For my friend..

I love you friend. I wish you to be happy, safe, and abundant in life. I wish I could erase your pain and sorrows, but only that is for you to do. So I am going to send you some thoughts from a book, I look to inspire me. When things are hard, or I just don't care to want to fix. It's called Medications from conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. Enjoy...

Act as if you were seperate from nothing, and no one. This will  heal your world tomorrow. Ths is the greatest secret of all time.

Most people enter relationships with an eye toward what they can get out of them, rather than what they can put into them. The purpose of relationship is to decide what part of yourself you would like to see show up. Not what part of another you can capture and hold.

Let this be your task, let this be your greatest joy. To give people back to themselves. Even in their darkest hour, especially in that hour.

If you spend your time trying to figure out what's best for you, your choices, will be cautious, your decisions will take forever, and your journey will be launched on a sea of expectations. If you are not careful, you will drown in your own expectations.

Power comes from inner strength, Inner strength does not come from raw power, in this, most of the world has it backwards.

Friend, I hope you see that within the days, it will be better, brighter, with less pain. So i give you this from Thoreau:

The language of friendship is not words, but meanings. It is an intelligence above language:)

okay.. i had more to say..

I need to know what i did in my past lives to deserve major issues with my healthy emotions and everything else in between. every year it's something dramatic. something like changing. is it my body now saying. hey erin... stop.... take care of yourself and it will all fall into place. i don't know.
But i was just thinking... I would like a peaceful year. full of love and hope. newness.

So this is the year it will happen. I guess. Enought about my issues.

Tony is working nights starting this week. He will be working 50 hours week. Then onto 60 hours. I won't see him as much for a while. But it may lead to really awesome morning sex. Then i get ready for work. Get into my car and listen to my amazing mixed tapes i found in there. Kelly i need more...or anyone tapes, please. Cd's work good too, but it was pretty cool to find it. Then down the road with my coffee. for 45 minutes to sing along to everysong. Prepare for my 9 hours and the slaves mines. aka corporate america, killing me slowly.  I will spend a lot of night alone, which last night i found out i can't sleep without somebody there. my dogs were like no, we aren't sleeping with you . you smell. or whatever poofy dogs say..lol
It's weird. i may be a little more co dependent that i thought. so this is good.

But the underlying issues is this. I brought up to tony me getting a place soon. in case he takes on any traveling positions for the summer. He totally looked at me like i was crazy. but i don't know why couldn't we move out. i think if he goes out of state to work for like 4 or 5 months i am not going to be stuck here. hello i would officially loose it. but i guess it is a disussion we can worry about when and if he does go.

the title i can't think of because i overthink what my titles are so i am not actually going to give this a title.

Hello.
I am proud of myself. I have lost 20 pounds.
 following my no sugar low fat low carb low sodium diet, did me good for a couple of weeks.
checking my blood sugar and taking all my pills i have been good.
The delima happens to be that once i started to eat a litle more, i got energy. i was basically not eating enough. so now that i am eating more, i have only lost 1 pound this week. so that means i have to step it up and really exercise my ass off. i have to loose 20 more pounds by may. that is my goal. so as long as i monitor my blood sugar, say no to what i cannot eat, i will do fine.

I have to say that my latest health problem scared the shit out of me. high cholesterol diabetes high blood pressure. doesn't that equal like basically old people death bed shit. well not me.... i have to do this. i just have to and i will. I am at my plateau so i will  step up my game and try even harder.
So fitting into a pair of jeans i bought 2 years ago, so basically like my skinny jeans, it was amazing.
the photo tony put up today didn't do justice. which is funny..
i am like. tony take a good picutre of me so i can have a new profile picture. so as i am pulling up my pants and making a funny face, he clicks.. sure erin it's good. you are so beautiful.
fucking stupid horseshit buttface.
i just say that because he never gets the picture right, like ever.
so heres to a good year a health...
i am going to be fucking fantabulous by the end of the year. everyone better hold me to it.

loves

2012

In 1 hour and 5 minutes, it will be the yer 2012.

Here are my resolutions

1. be more empathetic.
2. give more
3. remain calm and remember to always put yourself in the other persons shoes
4. be a leader
5. love myself

These  are all basics concepts and I will definately do my best to attain these goals.

Goodbye 2011

If I could think of a cool title to put here, I would. So be just be excited I wrote two sentences.

I have to say this year has been really weird. I have learned a lot about myself. Mainly I have come to understand the reason why i do things, a lot better than i used to.

First of all, I apparently have lost the ability to be as empathetic as people are acustomed to.
first on my new year's resolutions list

Ok this is my major one, since it has created issues for me at work. But apparently, according to my sister, this has been me all along, and i finally fit into my shorts and wear them too well.

funny how sister's are right and you just want to hit them in the forehard, so whatever kelly

Let's move on.

Wait
I don't want to move on, i'm done, explaining and showing and faking. I just don't fucking care sometimes. I am trying, have figured out why this has affected me so much. I just don't. I mean it's the small stuff that people just go on and on about, and im like really. ... really...

yes fucking really... apparently.

I am over the holiday season, i am over retail, i am over rude customers, and i am over especially even ruder people who work around me.

But, i have a job, a loving tony, and my baby dogs. I have a roof, obviously not starving.

So i go from there, i am basic, may not understand everyone's moments, or give a damn, but for the people who matter most, i give you my hand, i promise not to bite, and if you are really good, i might lick it.
\omg, that is so gross. i am up late, just made chex mix and need a hair cut. My funds are not as delightful as i want them to be for christams, but we manage.

tomorrow i work 4 pm until midnite, and it's my last late shift, until next year.

if anyone really reads this, just know that after i type this, i have to pee.

seeeester...

I am an emotional freak

I haven't talked to my sister and dad in like 2 weeks. No one answered the other day. so I freaked. Of course i was visited by aunt flo, soooo. But anyways i imagined that they were all dead and i was alone. and all i could do was shake and sit there. So she finally called me last nite. Thank god. I told her about this and she said she did that last time she hadn't called or heard from me in a couple of weeks, thinking tony killed me and my dogs ate me. Thank god I have something in common with my sister. The fact that we imagine the worst and freak out. It means she loves me. I forget she is my best friend. I forget that my favorite feeling in the world is laying in my bed with her, under the covers and watching old cartoon movies, just like when we were little. or at least when she was. It was an emotional bond when we went to lion king. be cause it was her favorite movie when she was little. we sang along and totally cried.
I have a sister who is one too. that makes me happy.

RIP

October 30 2012:
It has been 9 years since mike has passed. This day brings more memories, than his birthday. I think i felt more emotional about it on the way to work yesterday. i mean everything happens for a reason, and his place in my life now, well it's just not it. It's more like, I feel I let someone down, him. shit it still fucks with my head and I miss him. It was such a nieve part of my life. maybe that's what it was for. any ways, it's been 9 years... and the shit i have done since then... we all make our choices and i cannot hold on to guilt for a man who took his life so selfishly. I will just remember that good times and how funny he was and just leave it at that. Maybe he's the one who watches over me, who knows. But here's to you Michael William Hallameck. RIP

the reading made it real

So one of the girls who works for me gave me a tarot card reading for my birthday. It really validated my decisions that I made this week
I am staying in Everett to continue the job I am in. It is the best decision because I can pursue my career within Macy's even more, from the position I am in. Because my opporutnies are more vast due to the volume of store I am in. Going back to Burlington would actually be going back in my position.
Now moving to Iowa... I am just going to keep trying to find us good jobs there. But, with so many troops coming back by this winter, that mind deminish job searches especially in such a small community. But i am keeping my hopes up, it's all i have is hope...
I am doing better at work ... Everyone was so nice for my birthday there! I got pink roses, 3 cards, a bithday cake and and they even sang to me.. Sooo funny! also my new friend at work got me a really cute scarf.
So things are what they are...