the beginging of the end.

Officially on saturday feburary 27, i will have my last day at macy's as a promotional coordinator. I am sad, really sad about this. I really liked this job more than i realized. The decision to leave the company is a profound one. i found that no matter how much i will  miss everyone and want to stay, leaving is the best choice. Many consideratons were made, such as, was i willing to work under people i know are way less qualified than i to do the job. i did not want to be the employee who knew all the answers, helped the people in charge and continue to have nothing to come from it. This is not a negative selfish decision. It is positive, becasue i have put 100% into this job. i am perfect at it. It's just not what i am destined to do for the rest of my life. I have to write out my duties, broken down into daily,weekly, and monthly duties. This is for the manager in charge and the new lead taking my place( whom i have grown really close to, which makes it really hard). So far I have about 6 pages, just because i will only be given about 3 hours to update her on the computer and all the manuals( we have 4 just for the sign team). I would love to continue working for macy's if i was given the opportunity of a better position. I may go back if a position opens and it deems appropriate for my needs with school and another job, if i find one soon. I will be receiving my vacation time, a severence package, and 3 months of fully paid health insurance from the company. Their is a going away party planned, i know i will cry the whole time. it's been really hard for me. The decision to leave when you know something could be made to work out in the end. But also knowing this is what is best for all parties( tasha i am sure you know what i am talking about). I have been crying a lot, tired, just plain depressed about it. A lot of crying happens at work among my mangers and fellow employees. Nobody wants me to leave and nobody can believe that i am leaving. So I am just gong to prepare everyone for the busiest and most stressful job(besides being a manger) on the start team. Nobody really wants my job, but the girl has no choice or she would be out of a job. Man, this shit just plains sucks. The postive note, i will be going to school in the fall, starting a nursing program. Going to recertify for my cna license in april. Probably find a job working as a cna, or whatever clerical work i could find. WE will be find, I will be fine. i am amazing, courageous, powerful, and intelligent. I will make an excellent nure and will make it through school with amazing skill and determination. This is what i need to push me in the direction that i was meant to do. That's all. You can never ever make it to the top, fairly and effectively, without starting somewhere, may it be the bottom of the hill or a long tretcherous trip over a cascading mountain rage. There is always and end and a beginging. And for the first time in my life, i am leaving a job, gracefully, positively, and outstanding!!!

i have a frog in my throat, bitch. wait, let me throw it up on you.

So i have the choice to take a severence package and my vacation and leave the company of macy's. or stay, be terminated for 7 days, return as a new hire and work on call is either the processing, placing or sale dept. I no longer have my job as a lead promotional coordinator after the 6 of march. it was a very hard day today. they let me leave early with a full day's pay. i broke down in the office. i believe that everything i ahve been holding in emotionally for years came out along with 3 bottles of wine today. it was shitty. and i have to work tomorrow. so i will get more answer and have a meeting and go over my possibilities. i have a list my good friend sabrina help me make our, questions to ask. she is a human resources rep, so she is on the up and up. i will continue, with my schooling starting in the summer, and get into the radilogy program and bellingham technical college. this is my plan, i will continue. it will be okay. right now, i have to let it out, settle a bit. and prepare. it's hard, harder than i imagined. i am an emotional disaster. i have to  to get up again. my moments of self pity and despair will subside.

My own worst enemy...

So last week we were notified at work that their would be some setbacks to macy's inc. we may be loosing hours, people, who knows. especially the teams i work on. none of us no if we will have a job in a couple of weeks. it's scary and it doesn't help that this happened after tony's deal. i know i can get another job. i planned on it after kristen got here, like working at a coffee stand for an extra 20 hours a week. i only work 30 now, and i ;m off at 1 everyday, so it will be perfect for school. but i guess i am not prepared to loose my health benefits. so i need to see all of my doctors in the next couple of weeks, go to my appt for paper signing of documents, file that this week. so much stuff going on. but it's stuff that needs to be done to start this new path. i can feel it, like this gigantic wave of newness. i'm a little scared and really nervouse. but, they say when you are afraid, march on. fear is only a feeling. fear will push me through and make me stronger. i don't need to find myself, i need to share myself with others. share all of my great abilities, live life to the fullest. be everything that i am. ERIN! It will be fine and i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and being depressed about everything.