i'm staying

first of all i would like to thank all who listend to me rant and rave about my indecisivness. thank you girls so much for the imput and advice, i take it all very seriously. so, i am staying on start team as a signer. for the fact that my schedule for this fall will be pretty intentse, this is my main goal, so my supporting goals, should be less stressful and less intense. and i think being a serious commision based sales associate, would not be my forte as this time. possibly in the fall i can do it on the weekends, as a divisonal, where i wouldn't have the goals of commision or whatever they require. plus as i was looking at the requirement for the nursing program, i noticed that i need to get my cna license. i had let it slip because of my back. so this summer i am going to retake the classes and my clinicals, so by the time the requirement in 2009 is up, i will be prepared and ready. so that will require me to be employed at least part time while i take the classes and obviously for my clinicals, so that will be added income and i can work around my schedule at macy's for that as well. so i made my decision and let my supervisor and the i.a. manager know the deal. i feel confident in it and happy, disappointed that i didn't look into it further before i pursued it, lesson learned. and well, you always should learn something new everyday. good riddance.

can't handle it.

if i weren't such an indecisive person i would be getting what i want. but, i just don't know what to do, i want the new position really bad, think i could handle it well. but, no one on my start team wants me to go, even the store manager, they need my leadership and hardwork and they trust me to help the others get things right, they would would rather me stay on start team. but, it's all up to me, what i need to do for myself. they are even willing to give me more hours, and they can work around my work schedule more if i stay on start team. wtf. i feel so torn and stressed, that i gave myself a friggen stupid panic attack at work today and i had to leave, i couldn't breathe i wouldn't to throw up, and everyone was pissing me off, i just had to leave and cry, because i can't fucking decide what i should fucking do, like what the hell, it's just a stupid fucking job, that everyone thinks i should do except for my supervisor, of course, i should stay, more hours, flexible school schedule, ;perfect, except for just wanting to try something different, look pretty and make some extra money, just doing something fun. well, i don't know, tony isn't helping, because he thinks i would be a great sales associate, wtf does he know, i hate people and shit and poo and grrrrrrrr i just want to run around crazy in my head and fly away,i can't concentrate or breathe correctly, because both stupid positons would be great, all i have to do is just say yes, but something is holding me back, why, why why.ok i can do this, i told my sup. i would have a decison by tomorow morning, so i just need to do this, maybe it's my fear of being center of attention, i don't like that too much. and the selling part, if it wasn't for commision, i think i would be better at it, ya know. i can see my self doing it, but when i think of other people watching me do it, i freak,because i am a fuckine chicken shit bitch. ok well i;m not, i am just being negative. ok i will just take a breath and come back with another draft of positve words and pros and cons of this, i just need more time to think.

further ahead that i thought...

well, ladies, i may just be a certifed bra fitter in the coming weeks, that is if i can convince my current manager, why i should leave the start team. right now i am the lead signer, which to my standings is good, i always seem to be in the top which i can hold really well. i just need to be challenged and needed. and in my department, their is no need, just technical ability and repetiveness. which i can handle, perform well, and achieve. i just need to be closer to the clothes, i love fashion so friggen much, that i just see with this positon getting closer to that dream. if i could actually be anything in the world right now, it would be a fahion designer or stylist or boutique owner, kind of like a betsey johnson thing, but less intense, and more like me. i know i could do it, i just need the education, know the right people and the drive. so for now i am striving for the sales associate of the intimate apparrel department at macy's west in burlington, wa, at the cascade mall. i know i will do well, because i have to do well in everything i do, i am just better off being a manager, because i love to tell people how to do things just right, actually i am a pro and delegating. much until i am totally satisfied i am goign to continue on my path of nursing, with a side of fahion, oh and i will know by thursday if i get the job. my interview was awesome, i looked great, felt great, i will get it. that's all.

new position?

Today has been a really frustrating, only because i made it that way, but the one thing that came out of it was, i am applying for a new position. i have decided to apply for the sales associate position in the intimate apparel department at macy's west in burlington, it kind of sounds professional that way. i am considering this because i need a new change of pace, better hours to suit my college education and another reason to buy new clothes and look pretty every day and continute my discount, plus i would receive commision and other cool benefits, go to vendor fairs. their is actually a training course to be a specialist bra fitter, how exciting. well, the ladies that work in that department have been bugging me about it for a couple of days so i spoke with the manager, got the application and i am going in on friday to talk to her and have a interview. i have put aside the fact of having to leave the start team, when we are already down 1 girl and that sarah wants to leave, but this is my life, my time and i need a challenge. i am nervous and unsure of how well i will do. that means i should go for because what's the worst that could happen? nothing. i only work a max of 29 hours, in that dept, but i can pick them up in other dept. so i am going for it and not applying for the chef assistant position and the thai restaurant, that sarah thinks i should do so we can still work together, i don't really want to work in a kitched right now. it would be hot and stressful and i don't want to, i would rather stay at macy's and keep my benefits, so i will keep you posted on the outcomings, but i am really excited! wish me luck and some prayers, thanks. i love you all!

i feel the water running over my hand.. leading me to my light.

I have decided that i am going to pursue the career of a nurse. i have been thinking about it for years and i really need to go thorugh with this, if i am going to get anywhere in my life, i have just been floating. i hate floating.actually, i rather be in charge of where i go along this river we call life. i am the captain of my own destination. i possess the navigational tools to lead a successful cruise. i will find my destination, pick up those along the way who may guide me along this, it will never end, just as the water moving never ends.

understandings of the life of you...

Welcome to my blog... you have reached the highest possible connection in which to possess powers within. please do not depart from this page, it is not a test. it is a true and positive force within us all... noted from the pages of eternal happiness and peace for all mankind.