Quotes of inspiraton in a moment of exhilerating chaos.

"Our problem is that we make the mistake of comparing ourselves with other people. You are not inferior or superior to any human being.. You do not determine your success by comparing yourself to others, rather you determine your success by comparing your accomplishments to your capapbilities. Your are 'number one' when you do the bet you can with what you have." Zig Siglar

This is what i need to remember when i am stressing our at work. Being told what to do and how to do it when i know what to do. I am succesful in my current situation. i do not need to feel under anyone when i am critisized. I am not my job, but i do my job well. I am myself, erin. I am brilliant at my job, i work hard to help others. Just because someone else is a brown noser and i feel like i work hard and then get more lift, i carry on and do my job over the top, perfection at it's best. I am powerful and delightful.

" There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of imporving, and that's your own self."( Aldous Huxley)

This is so true and needs to be lived every day to the fullest.

just to say...

i am posting, because it has been awhile, what a lame excuse! i should be in bed, have to be at work in like 8 hours! only 2 more days to go. i have lots to update on! Haven't really spoken to a lot of your girls, lately, except for kelly and her awesomness! the trip to cali, my sickness of cali, missing tasha:( my birthday, work, tony leaving for fire training in 2 weeks, i will be utterly alone for  like 5 days. i will continue soon! elaborate! love you all!

trip to cali!

it is official. we bought our tickets for cali. going to cali. going to cali! we are leaving on monday the 5th, going to knotts berry farms in the evening with tony's sister shannon. then tony's birthday is tuesday the 6th, so we will probably do something cool. we are going to disneyland sometime that week. not sure when. also we need to go to the tar pits, some cool eateries, going to san diego to see my cousin kris and her baby keezy. some time i hope to see miss tasha, i guess i am pretty far from you, so i don't know how that will work, maybe that weekend, we don't leave until  the morning of the 11th, then we are seeing the seahawks play in seattle when we get baclk. i am so excited. we are finally going to see where tony grew up, together. he went on a trip back to iowa for mine, so it's my turn. 3 more weeks!. don't know if i will have a job, because of the no unpaid vacation, but hello no answer and it's been 3 weeks. i don't fucking care, communist bastards that they are!

monday monday monday

today is beatiful. the chill in the air this morning. getting up when i should. being to work early. having my coffee. only having to work until ten. sending off packages. cooking a new dish. taking a ten minute nap. having more coffee. coffee being free today. petting my dogs. loving that my tony sends me the longest text ever. all the test says is i love you. he said he loved me 20 times. remembering that i need to control my moodiness. i set a goal yesterday. i only freaked out once. having a good outfit day. not obsessing over my negatives. feeling the fan blow on my body. watching the leaves fall off trees. today is monday. today is a good day.

today is stupid!

So i have discovered that i am a toally freakoid.. not that anyone didn't know that, but i have some issues, no comments please regarding this. i need to learn how to not freak out on tony. i literally scream and holler and call him names and just freak out. over stupid stuff he says. well, he keeps egging me on because it finds it a turn on, but it's fucking stupid. so stupid that i want to just smack him. but i freaked out in the drive thru of starbucks and i think that people heard us. a little embarrasing, ya know. i only have one excuse that aunt flo visited and i am starting to push through my demon horns? i don't know anymore, we just havn't been on good terms with out things. not anything really bad just that i am irritated when he is around, especially today. i guess i am just blabbing and people need space and his new schedule is kind of hard on both of us. they say if you can survive the first year of a shift workers schedule you can make it forever, well if i don't kill him first. on a serious note we are fine. i would rather he would leave when i am bitchy, like to a mountain and stay there. boys are stupid, and i hate that i love one. i couldn't live without it, because i would be sad but grrrr.... it's really hot today and i am lazy. i have to work all day tomorrow and i don't want to because i hate my job. we recently had corporate from san fransico do a signing audit when i was gone and we failed miserably. stupid underpaid retarded responsibilities i have to endure for retail. so i bought a new shirt yesterday, see what they do to you, piss you off so you have to have retail therapy to bring them in money. whatever i hate things to day. tomorrow will be better. i know it beause i will make it better, till then, i hate today and it's stupid.

new car

 

Tony and his sexy car

Tony and i got a new car 2 weeks ago. we traded in the truck, to get our 2009 hyundai sonata! it is so pretty! We got he sports model which is came in black with chrome trim, the rims, and a v6 engine. it has a ipod connector in the middle console that is controlled by the buttons for the radio. so rad! it totally smells like new car too! and it is the smoothest ride ever, and you have to be so careful not to speed. going 120 i think would be no problem, i didn't do that, but if i could... i am finally excited that tony actually did this for us. he had his truck for 10 years, got his monies worth and then some. it was time. only problem is that we have 2 car paymens, but that will make us budget better. and i don't necessarily get to drive it as my car, i get to drive the 4-runner, which is fine, because i can put all of my cool stuff from the mirror and take my dogs to the beach and if it gets dirty, well whatever i clean it up. so our transportation troubles have been solved. no on to moving out... our goal has been moved up to march, just in time for tax returns. probably going to rent a house, hopefully with a yard for our dog. so people could actually come and visit me next year!

we passed

So if you haven't talked with me in a while, i have been taking my youngest dog teddy, to obidience school. We are going were going to an animal shelter called NOAH. It has a boarding area, with windows, the animals, aren't actually locked up in cages. This also includes a kitty area, a store, training facility for obidience and agility, and two enclosed play areas and a walking trail. It is really nice and everyone that works there is wonderful. So the first class dealt with basic obidence with positive reinforcement. It included sitting, down, stay, heal, sitstay, and down stay. We also worked on release, and leave it. and walking on a loose leash. This class was a participation pass, so we all got through with a certificate and a toy. It was so amazing how well he took to it, At first i wasn't sure teddy would get it, but he already knew sit, so that helped. once we got the down command, down, it was quite easy. we would go every saturday for an hour and train about a 30 minutes everyday, and walk up to an hour everyday.
So the second class was more intense. We worked on a lot of healing. Going fast, slow, left turn , right turn, about turn, down when healing. so i didn't really understand healing at first, but it is basic. The dog walks at your left side no further out than your ankle. Heal is used for walking at left side, sitting as soon as i stop and turning. it is the hardest because teddy likes to sit to the side or backwards or not at all. We are still working on it. we also did a lot of staying positions, leaving the dog in a stay, for up to 3 minutes. it was just as hard for me to remember what i was doing as it was for teddy. So here are the 10 tests we had to pass in order to receive our akc canine good citizen certificate.
1.Accepting a friendly stranger. The stranger greets the handler, ignoring the dog and walks away. dog is not allowed to show and interest, shyness or aggression.
2. Sitting politely for petting. allowing a stranger to pet the dog, without shyness or resentment( which is included for all testing.) the stranger then let's the dog sniff and politely pets the dog once down the back.the dog may stand up in appreciation to being petted
3. Appearance and grooming. Dog must be in a healthy condition. Allow a stranger to check the ears, front paws, and a one stroke brush down the back, the dog may be in any position for this test.
4. Walking on a loose lead: walking with a right turn, left turn about turn. we actually were healing on this exercise, dog not required to sit when you stop, has to be at left side at all times.
5. walking througha crowd. Dog must walk through a crowd of people without being excited, shy or aggressive.
6. Sit and down on command and staying in place. Showing that the dog will respond to all of the handlers commands.With the dog staying in it's orginal place it will not change position until released.
7. Coming when called: Will position dog and walk away to20 feet, go back to the dog, walk to 10 feet and recall dog.
8. Reaction to another dog. Two handlers walke up and greet one another. The dog should only show signs of natural interest, but not go to the other dog or handler.
9. Reaction to distraction. Handler and dog walk in heal position. Trainer Makes a loud noice, dog should natural react, but not be frightened, or resentful to the object, then a stranger runs in front while healing, dog should not react.
10. Supervised seperation. handler leaves dog with stranger for 3 mintes. Dog must not show signs of seperation such as anxiety, or excessive traits.
we were allowed to encourage and talk to the dogs as much as possible. This is all done with out training collars, pinch collars, treats, or toys. We were also not allowed to use the leash as a correction, must be on a loose leash at all times.
Now let me tell you, i was so nervous. i wanted to throw up and cry. We made it through all of these test, no problem, i was really impressed with teddy and how well he did under pressure. From here i would like to go on to agility training, because i think the obidience would be too much, because he is a nervouse dog and doesn't really like big dogs. so we will see. i am just so glad we passed!

hello... where have i been?

Having time to reflect on who i am what i am to do. I just want to be myself, open honest and not to feel shame on my reactions or thoughts of situations. My goal in life is to be independent within my relationships. i want to be able to take care of myself if i didn't have anybody, even though i do. I want this because i have relied on others for too long. I need myself... So here are my short term goals. If I haven't heard from my legal situation, i will continue on my own and set forth to file the papers, put in an ad and continue down the path of being erin rae cadden, once and for all. Then I will be going back to school, i have decided that working where i do is wonderful, i am great at it, but i need to make a substantial living for myself if i am to take care of myself and family, if it may be. Tony and i want to buy a house, we need a new car, etc. So i need to put my foot forward and better myself. i am so proud of the wonderful friends i have around me and how well they are doing in their lives. That it really does inspire me to be more of me, expand and explore all the possibilities that i have within me. i know it seems that sometimes i talk about these things have high hopes and really don't pursue them. But i don't just want to i need to. I have too much free time and i could be using it to do great things! not just cleaning house, making dinner and bitching about my crappy situation. i will make my life i deem it to be, Thank you everyone for being my friend.

All by myself...

So i am along in the house. for the first time i am totally alone, minus my 2 dogs. tony is working nites all weekend and his parents left for cali this afternoon. haven't been alone in like well, can't remember really. always have somebody home or there with me. kind of not sure, so i am drinking some wine and waiting for a call. a call from my ex to discuss much needed paperwork to be signed. he finally called me the other day. i just want this over and done with so i can move on with my life, the life i have now. so hopefully we will meet up this time sign papers, file them, and with in a couple of months, it will be over. i am not getting my hopes up, but seriously it's been like years and it needs to end, NOW!

So it got to be over 100 last week, that was stupid, sat out in the air conditioned motor home, finally and went camping in la conner to keep cool by the water. it is so beautiful there on the indian reservation, looking at islands and walking along the rocky beaches, i love washington so much wish i could live by the beach in cabin with my doggies and tony. someday, and it will have a golf course near by so i can get rid of tony once in a while.. hehhehe i love him to much to actually get rid of him just long enough so i have time to myself, which i get to nite. so what am i going to do? laundry, clean up a little, find something to eat, talk on the phone, watch tv. and cuddle with my babies. and drink some wine smoke some ciggies. wow, if i was on my own how would i be, really fat? i have a tendency to over eat when people are gone, abandonment eating? Creative, srapbooking is a pastime i should pick up again. On the computer constantly? nah my eyes would hurt, who knows, but 2 nite, well i am gonna do whatever, maybe leave the dishes in the sink because i can. so there, peeps of the house. ahahahhah.

well... it's july

so far this month i have started a new exercise program, go tanning 3 times a week, ( which boosts my intatke of vitamin d, i am less depressed about stupid things and i look hot, by the way. and my pupply is in a new obidience class. this one is going to be hard. work is just stupid and annoying i have too many attendence issues, because i cannot get up to work in the morning. i need to work on that one. need to get a new car because my truck's ignition is getting stuck. saving money is hard and stupid, we just keep getting more bills. i am getting my hair cut on thursday and going lighter, tan and blond tan and blond. oh i have stopped biting my nails, and i have cute manicured feet. i hate the red wall in my bedroom. it's really hot here so lots of sun and weeding, which is not a favorite thing to do! exercise and sun, woo-hoo. goinh yo see harry potter with my sister this week. yea excited about that. we might be going to leavenworth to stay at a condo with some friends. its like a old german village up in the mountains. awesome i will take lots of pictures. so that is a short summary on my life. oh and i am reading a new book by sylivia browne called secret societies, which is awesome and has me rethinking my religious path, possible change, christianty it's all a lie.mmmm interesting, that could be a whole new area to research.

r.i.p gramdpa

So on monday june 22, my grandfather passed away at his home in scranton, in his sleep. he had been having many complications while i was back visiting. he was diagnosed with stomach cancer, had the pump put in the day i was leaving, also upon visiting him i discovered he had parkinsons. among many major health problems. i was not as close as i would have liked, but that was how he was. our family has issues and sometimes death just makes it harder when guilt likes to be a blanket, without giving us warmth in the coldest of times. there will no service, memorial or gravside ceremony of any kind. he had no money for end of life services. so my uncle jim is driving up from houston, to take care of the details. he will be cremated and later laid to rest somewhere in greene county, i believe. my dad and sister and i will have our own wake on thursday. the doctors gave him a year to life and recommend he live in a nursing facility for veterns, he refused the day before his death. i fell so unemotional writing this, because i had deeply saddened yet so confused on how the family is handling this. no matter how much someone is hated they should receive love on their upon their death. my rule, simeple as that. but, that is life and services are expensive. i am just really glad i got to see him before i left and know that he did love us all in his own way. rest in peace grandpa bob.

officially coming to visit.

so it's official. i bought my plane ticket.kelly and i will be ariving in desmoines on friday june 5th at 8:30 a.m. so i hope to see somebody. i will be going to jefferson probably sometime on saturday and staying until like wednesday. then i will come back on friday, go back that sunday and fly out monday evening the 15th. happy times and great memories awaiting in good old iowa.

updatey do ...

so an update desperately in need. i went to the urologists yesterday. my stone is still in question, that is what it's made of. so in the next 2-3 weeks i have to do a 24 hr. pee test. collecting my pee for 24 hours, then take it to the lab. after a couple of weeks, call and see what's going on. then when they find out what caused it they can decided what medication i need or if i need it. in the meantime i still need to see my pcp, and get a physical and check for diabetes, blood pressure, it's been super high, which could explain my fast onset of irrational freakouts. my acid reflux is getting worse. i ate chili last nite, so bad i had to make myself throw up. it was horrible.
so i will be coming to iowa on believe on june 5th. i plan on staying in des moines until that saturday and spend my time in jefferson until wednesday, then go back to desmoines stay there until friday. go back to jefferson, do bell tower stuff and what not. go to ft. dodge with alicia on saturday, camping with the crew on saturday nite at carols,then i plan on leaving sometime monday. so if you want to do something in those times are what we should do. i believe thursday the 11, will be devoted to hanging out with kelly, kristen and alicia. tasha, if you read this, are you coming back or what. i hope you do. it would be nice to see my sisterhood bag girls and get a picture. yea yea yea!!!
what else, oh yea teddy is in obidience 3 weeks to go and we can advance to the next class, i hope. i cut my hair again and lightened it, it's awesome i will do it again before i come so it will be pretty sharp when you see me. i also saw walking with dinosaurs with jerei on thursday nite. so it was awesome big huge dinosaurs, making sounds and story telling. awesome, we all had fun! i should put up some pictures, soon. reminds me i need to send jerei dino pictures.

i made it...

so my surgery went well, apparently. i got home around noon on tuesday. I went in and had my own room, t.v. they actually have this machine that hooks into a disposable blanket, that blows warm air on top of you in the bed, to help you relax and get your blood vessels more open, i suppose for the i.v. i did good i slept for the 2 hours before my surgery. then got really nervous before i went in, started to cry and just be really anxious, that's when they gave me the good stuff and poof i was happy, good to good, being wheeled into the operating room the nurses talking about how i felt and the next thing i remember is waking up and being wheeled back to the after operating area. i was in a lot of pain, uncomfortable and my back hurt. i don't sleep or lie on my back anymore due to my back problems, they eventually got me back to a room i fianlly got some crackers and water and a pain pill. sharron showed up and took a picture of me in the bed. i looked like crap. she sent it to tony and he thought i looked swollen. she was being a great mom to me, even though i don't like to admit it, she is an awesome mom and was totally there for me. so i got home and my dad came over and we had lunch together i need a sandwich and a pickle, so hungry. i slept the after noon away. but yesterday was the worst, i started to pass particles of the stone and omg. it was so painful i had to take 2 pain pills just to feel better. i am stil in pain though, it hurts to have the stend it especially when i pee, so i have to dab so i don't pull it out, i can feel when the particles of crytalized glass pee go through, ugh it fucken sucks. i still haven't gone back to work. so i will probably be back on monday. the stent comes out on tuesday and that's when i find out about the contents of my stone.

thank yous:)

Just wanted to say thank you to every one. i can feel the love.i should be asleep and resting for tomorow. but i cant. i am really nervous. i don't like it, because now i have to face all of the bad in my body. i will be the center of attetion for real and i dont know if i want it. i just want it to be over, the waiting. oh and i had to pay half of my out of pocket expenses before the surgery. i guess this is happening alot. i couldn't get my surgery unless i forked over 200 dollars. whatever, i know it was such an unexpected thing, but really. i guess half of it is paid off., so it is okay. just wasn't expected to have to do that and i forget to pre register so i hope they don't cancel it or get shitty, that i forgot. i will let everyone know how it goes. love you and thankx for all the love.

update

so i had my appointment with the urologist today. i was in there for like 2 hours. so here's the scoop. my stone is right above my bladder, causing my uretra( the tubes that connect the kidney to the bladder) to be swollen. this is on my left side only. it has been in there for a while so they aren't sure whether it is actually still inside the uretra or on top of my ovaries. and since i am under 40 and my kidney isn't swollen, which is a concern to the doctors, since it should be, due to the size of the kidney stone. i will be having surgery tuesday morning, to have this removed. it is a day surgry only takes an hour. i will be out by the after noon. after this is done, then they can determine what my stone is made up of and how serious the rest of my organs are. then i can continue prevention and medication for this. it is actually cause by too many uti, so my urince is super concentrated. and too much calcium in my body, which is likely to be hereditary, since i think one of my grandparents had it. so when i have the surgery they will be sticking a scope up through to my the stone and blast it so it will turn into sand like particles and then flush it out, if my kidney is still not draining correctly( which it's not now because i am still peeing blood) that will put a stent in. this is a plastic spagheti shaped tube with coils on it that will help let my kidney drain into my bladder to drain. so now i am on flomax, which helps women with kidney stones get things flowing and draining. it is actually a drug used for men you have troubles urinating, i am sure you have all seen the commercial. and i am on pain meds. which i had to switch because i had a really bad reaction to them this morning which caused me to throw up, and break out into a allergic reaction, so my forhead was covered in red bums, they are still there but not so red, so now i am taking a different one. so i actually ate dinner and my migraine went away which started yesterday. ahhh so much information in such a little time. i am confused, scared and worried about missing more work. but i will be fine and let you know after my surgery on tuesday how it went. my daddy is picking me up from the hospital, so it will be like being a little kid again. which is kind of cool. i miss those times. well, i am going to bed now and need more sleep, which is weird because i slept like from 10 last nite until noon today, minus my shower after i throw up everywhere. good nite.

don't know what to title this, because it's just wrong...

As i was getting comfortable in my bed i made at my dad's with my 3 dogs and my little sis, who is a bed hog. i was enjoying the second viewing of twilight when i had a really bad pain, it kept getting worse. as i come to think of it, i was feeling weird all day for weeks. anyways, i was in so much pain even after taking my sleeping pills, it took me until 5 in the morning to get to sleep on my belly. so i took my self to the urgent care today. i have a kidney stone, it is 7cm in diameter. so i cannot pass it my self. it will need to be removed or broken apart, so then i can pass it. also, part of my kidney is swollen and is not allowing fluid to go into my bladder correctly. so i am going to an urologist tomorrow. so they can figure it out. hopefully, i will just have to pass something that will hurt. but waking up to peeing blood and being in the worst pain i could think of, anything has to be better. so i am fine, can't sleep because i just took my pain pills, so they make me silly and nobody will aswer their phone, to blab at me. hello anybody in there. you all know i can't hold my problems in and i need to talk about it like right away and it usually involved someone on the phone with me for hours. tony is taking me in the afternoon to my appointment, so he can hold my hand. he is working nights right now, so it's good it will be after i wake him up and feed him. so i have 2 beautiful boys in my bed with me, so don't tell tony, hehehe it's just my dogs. lvoe you all...

before bed rantings

So as we all know life is been kind of in abundance for me. don't know if i trust this. i fear everyday that it won't last and try to make the best of it, my problem is that i do have an addiction. shopping. i need and want to buy everything. it's seems minute compared to others, but i feel guilty. i could be saving this money or yea saving it for moving out. hello what the fuck am i thinking. also, i was in a convenience store on the way to my sister's and needed to pick up some smokes. this guy at the register was totally hitting on me. like really hitting on me. he was cute really super tall and big like tony, but almost like 7 feet tall. with lots of tatoos and piercings and really hot. i haven't thought another guy is really hot, since i have been with tony. like what the hell, if i wasn't with tony i would have gone back in there and talked to him and asked for his number. but, i love tony and want to spend the rest of my life with him. is it okay that i think this guy is hot, it's like i am totally just confused about this. i dont' plan on pursuing this, but damn he was so fucken yummy and let's face it who really hits on me. i mean i know i am pretty whatever and am totally worth the best, but i'm not super hot . enuff witht he low self esteem excuses i am hot and i was wearing my new make up and i did look super cute. so yea he should hit on me. it brings a new sense of hottness to my life. maybe tony will notice and we can have wild passionate sex. we are down to only like a couple of times a week. no complaints, we have busy lives and do live within close quarters to others. but we need more passion and less of him being annoying. which he as been on my nerves for like 2 days. he is at his friends house now playing wii, i stayed home and made his mom watch twilight with me. which was friggen awesome. makes me want to be a vampire again. i should be in bed, i have to be up in like 7 hours. i only have to work 4 hours, so no big deal. then i have like 4 hours off then i work 4 hours on friday morning. then that monday, starts the beginging of madness at macy's behind the scenes.
so i did forget to mention i got a diamond pin award at work. for providing outstanding customer service and dedication to the company. i was nominated by the store manager along with 14 other people. i got a cool star pin with a diamond in it and a paid day off and of course the awesome recognition. so work is good and life is good my dogs are good. it just needs more balance within my self and a good plan of budgets and things with tony. it's good and i can't wait to see everyone in june. so looking forward to that. okay i need to go to bed, good nite.

my babies were butchered

We had our dogs in the groomers on saturday. we asked for them to trim 1/4 inch with scissors only and they gave them a chopped haircut for the summer, i would have liked to wait 5 more months before they got this cut. they were really rude would not refund our money so tony let them know we would never be back to get them groomed our shop in petsmart every again. they do look cute, but 100 dollars later on something we didn't want, it's bullshit. so bruce is cold and wearing his shirts, he has arthritis, so we need to keep him warm, they kind of look like miniture huskies. but, they are still the cutest babies ever.

ohhh money woes

so i have a delima on what to do about our vehicle situation. my friend sabrina just bought a new vehicle and she will sell me her 98 chevy malibu. it's is good condition, except for the seats and under 85,000 miles and she is really good about fixing cars, new tires, new spark plugs and she has always fixed it if something really little goes wrong. for only 2,000. so i am planning on that, except for tony thinks he needs a brand new toyota tacoma pick up truck. we can afford this but once we get a place to live of our own, i don't want to be stuck with 1,000 dollars in payments for 2 cars and insurance. that's just silly considering he just started his job and the economy. and i can use this car for a couple of years, then we can have the toyota paid off and get new vehicle. i think that is a better deal, and i will have my own paid for in my name car. which i really need something that is mine. ya know. it;s important for me to be responsible and take care of me too. tony says that if he buys a truck the toyota will just be in my name and i will be responsible for all of it. but, i don't want a payment when i barely make enough to be out of poverty level. oh and did you know that if you work full time and make under 15 dollars an hour you are considered at poverty level. stupid huh. so i just don't want to go into have a place and bills with lots of car payments i want to go into this gradually and work our way up into having a nice vehicle, both of us. plus i really want a new bag.

new life, new job, who knew..

so things around here are looking up. tony started his amazing new job on monday, he absolutely loves it! he gets full paid medical coverage, 24 an hour and overtime! he also signed up for the fire brigade, which means he is a fireman now. he gets paid for it too. he can do medic, oil spill, hazardous materials, as well, each year he trains for a new thing. alos, this coming fall or winter he goes to texas a&m for an intensive fireman training for a week. also, every year that you go to all 9 training meetings, you get a 500dollar bonus, so the next year it would be a 1000, and you get it at the begining of december. so i am now officially dating a fireman. i have a cute teddy bear now with the whole outfit and some shirts. tony is so excited about it, like he was born to be one. that's all he talked about yesterday, playing with hoses, riding the fire truck climbing throughta 21 inch diamter pipe. i am so proud of him, it looks like this is going to benefit us so much. with our getting healthy, my divorce getting going, our future is definately looking good, our goal is to buy a house in a couple of years. we of course have to be married before we do this, so wish us luck!

i miss me tony...

so i have never officially had tony away from me, i have been away from tony. it's weird, i am bored, lonley a little depressed. like what the fuck is this shit. when did i need a man so bad in my life, that i can't find anything to do because i miss him. well fuck that shit, it's stupid, and i wish that it will never go away. i have talked to tony everysingle day since we have been together, every day. if i don't well, it's weird, it's not like we are codependent weird crappy shit, it's just that i have found a really good friend in somebody that i love and when this previous crappy shit is over, well i may just find a really good friend in my real husband, now wouldn't that be weird, so ok i won't jinx myself, now. i just miss him and he is busy doing things with his family down there so i won't bug him with my trivial bouts of separation depression crappy poo. i just miss the cuddles, tinkling, kissing, poking, being silly and having someone to just be there and hold my hand, even thought he spends most of his time with his nose in a book, i love that smelly fucken bastard, i really do, and now i can officially say that it sux that he went on vacaation without me, the dogs really miss him, too. we just need him in our lives, thats all. we miss our tony bologne.

it's almost february

so along with trying to stay healthy and eat less, exercise more. i have made some progress i am doing really well i have had some indulgences on friday, i had a snickers bar. oh well it's okay all my main meals and snacks are good and good for me. i did drink a few sodas, but it's definately not a daily thing. so tony got results back and his cholesterol, bp, and blood sugar are down by half due to his strict diet, he doesn't snack because his medicine makes him go potty all the time and he isn't really hungry. well good for him, he lots 8 pounds, fuck that shit, it will take me a month to do that, and he did it ina week. asshole. oh and they laid him off 2 weeks before his new job, which means we have to live on my paycheck for a month oh and he is going to cali with his dad on for 5 days to look at some property for them, i am staying back with his mom. it's my 3 day weekend, what am i going to do, oh well, it's good for him to go and spend time with family. well be okay,only after i have a psycho episode due to the visit to aunt flo, wait did i mention that he only told me this sunday nite, yea awesome. i am just pissy, ya know it will work out and be fine, our goal is to be moved out by august, that is if they don't strike, so well see. oh and i can file for a this divorce, put it in the paper and if no reply in 90 days, they will automatically give it to me, so that means only 5 bucks for paper work, i will do it myself and my goal of having it done by the end of this year looks like it will be accomplished, so on friday i am going down to the court house to find out about this info. i will keep you updated. oh i saw pinneapple express, you should definately check it out

21 days....

IT ONLY TAKES 21 DAYS TO FORM A NEW HABIT!!!!

This is what i tell my self as i am entering my new phase of being healthy. it has been about 2 weeks and i have been eating really super healthy,especially since tony is too, that helps. but, i remind myself that the healthy things that i eat are going to help me in the long run, i want to be healthy and full of energy, i don not want to be super skinny, a size 10 in the end would be fabulous and if i only make it to a sized 14 by the time i come out in june, well that is just what i intend on. i want to be the the super fabulous erin who can wear an awesome bathing suit to hawaii, fit into a decent wedding dresss, someday, and wear shorts again. and be on a regular routine of exercising and eating healthy so i never have to feel this bad about myself or when i do decide to have children, to be healty for that too, yes the smoking will end someday. one thing at a time, hello.but, for now i really do love myself, i just need to love myself in the mirror all the time. thanks girls for all the support and understanding.

battle of the bulge

Low and behold, tony went to the doctor,well more like his physical for his new job. everything was find until he found out his tryglycerites are high, which means that he is borderline diabetic. so tomorrow he has a doctors appoitment to check up on it, because he has to get it under control before he starts working there. and boy is he disciplined, if that was all that had to be done, shit i should have pushed him harder years ago. well it's like it was meant to be awesome jobs, healthier lifestyle, moving out of parents soon,i hope! things are just getting better for tony and i. But the best part is that he is eating really super healthy, 3 carbs a day, low fat everything, even butter. and no extra sugars, he actually reads labels now, and he thought i was crazy all this time. it's nice to have someone eat plain non fat yogurt and granola with, he even takes it too work, and i think the guys make fun of him, but he doesn't care, because he has like 10 days left in the hellhole. going out to dinner, still hard, but with the support of each other, it worked out, too much bread, we ate, but all we have to do is nudge each other and remind ourselves , do we really need this?

support is all i ask for...

As someone is has been over 200 pounds for for than half her life, i say that it is a differnce that someone who has not. I get depressed looking at picture and seeing how big i am compared to others, even my friends. i think about how i can't share my clothes with most of them because i am bigger. What gets me is that you don't see it you want to change it, yet you get lazy or unfocused. Now i am eating healthier, trying to anyways and plan on starting a new exercise program, for the rest of my life, not just temporary, but to be healthy and happy for a long time. i guess i feel upset when people tell me that if they were that big omg, they would be so depressed, that somehow being fat is like being an untouchable, what you aren't worthy anymore, am i not worthy. I try not to care what people think because i know i am beautiful and lots of people love me. It's the loving of my self, that gets me. And when close friends suggest i need to do something before i have a coronary or i need counseling( you know who you are) i try not to be offended because i know you are just trying to help. But sometimes i just need someone to listen and just be there, not judge me or critisize my lack of ambition or tell me how their diets worked and how my isn't what they think is correct. So listen up i have been a really big girl most of my life i do have a eating disorder and i do need help, most of you haven't been big all your life, may have struggled with you ups and downs, but do not know what it is like to be FAT. so what i am trying to say is that I and possibly other peeps, need your support in getting healthy. Please think before you comment on weight, it hurts. And if i didn't tell you this is person, well it's because i probably would have flipped out and caused issues and i don't want that. i just want all of my friends to know that I am getting help and will be struggling for a while.SUPPORT, that's what i need. I will try not to sarcastically put down the skinny people, after all you are people as well. and what may work for you is not necessarily going to work for me. Thanks and i love you all.

new job!

Officially yesterday tony is a operator for shell refinery. he starts on feb 2. The best parts: paid vacation, 2 after 1st year, 1 every year after that, up to 10 a year. possibility of buying vacation, returned if you do not use it. 401k, pension plan, paid sick time. awesome insurance, he actually has to get a physical, i have been getting after him forever for this! and 25 dollars and hour! woo-hoo, possibility of us moving out of the rents, for good!!! so horray for tony and his hard work and dedication for applying the past 2 years! yeayeayea!!!

The blankets have been my best friend...

What am i to belive what is who i am to be. I look at myself everyday and i just want to love it more. I don't want to say i can't, i just don't. What is it that is causing me to hate myself. They way i look, constantly misjudging and questioning my actions, so worried about that i do right, or how i am in this world. I am not going anywhere. Not accomplishing anything. i need a process of getting out of this rut. My rut i dug myself. If i have some goals and something to follow and look forward to. I really need to bring out the good in myself. it's just so hard when i am so comfortable. Comfortable with being just the big girl who is silly who had a hard life and is comfortable with a loving man and goes to work has 2 dogs and does the same fucking thing everyday, if not that means doing something else someone wants to do. Even if i wanted to do something i can't make up my mind about it and i just wan to lie in bed and sleep. i fucking hate the holidays, i have decided they piss me off and i miss too many people. what the hell is wrong with me, i don't think i have been this depressed well since, won't go there. but i am recognizing it, maybe that's what the deal is. my back is starting to hurt again, and i am pissy. So tomorrow is the first day in being healthy:eating better and exercising. That's all i need, i know i can fix this, it's jsut the bottom before you can climb back up that is so hard. it's so hard to pull yourself up the rope and rise to the top, again. Not really knowing how it looks. I will be more successful, healthy, happy and prosperous. I need balance in my head, it's off again. i want to be able to look into the mirror and love my self. love my body, be happy that i am a woman, a beautiful woman. i will get there i know i will.