Buttons for you and buttons for me...

I decided that i should organize my sweaters in my closet... then i kept finding things, that i should get rid of. then i found a bag of really cool skirts and wraps, they don't really fit me anymore, but not getting rid of them just yet. then i found my old sewing bag.. i used to keep all of my buttons in this bag with my little sewing kit. so in it was some crafting rafia, a whole bunch of old crown royal bags, ( anybody need some, i have like ten). And this little black box that used to hold my buttons from back in high school. So i opened it, thinking yea cool more buttons( i love buttons by the way) and it wasn't buttons. It was a cross that belonged to Mike that his mom gave me, and a baggie with a lock of his hair....nope wasn't expecting that... nope didn't want to see that... nope i can't believe i had that with me in this room... nope i am not looking at it, nope i'm not smelling it either... yep i just did... yep. why. i can't do this... thinking about it... too much. and as the saying goes, some people come into yer life for a while and leave their footprints on your heart. and that's ok too. that needs to go to the mike box.. which my dad keeps for me, it shouldnt' be here. i cannot live in the same house with his hair in here. it brings back too many memories i just want to keep under the surface still. it may sound lame and stupid but it's too much. fuck i hate cleaning out my shit i always find something of him, a couple months ago it was a picture, or a drawing or something that reminds me of him. There is even a smell sometimes, don't know what it smells like, but when i smell it i just cry. now i just needed to say this, i have released my energies of him, i just have moments when i see his stuff... and then i am fine, but i don't really talk about this to people, especially tony, he doesn't get it and nor should he. so for now, i will just put it here.  in cyber memory space. so cyber memory take away my words and may i never find you again.

Grown from a seed.

Sometimes i think alot about what i want in my future the things that i will need and so on... well, today it isn't any different, but i realized that even though my life isn't what people think it should be. i love it. i love my family and friends, even when they are being untrue to themselves. i just really love that my sheets are crisp and smell good. that when i go to a movie or a play with my tony, during the loves scences he still holds my hands and tries to feel me up... ( giggle, giggle) That my two baby boys ( bruce and teddy) love me so and we can provide them with an awesome life, ( they were both rescued from abusive situations) That even though a lot of the people I love are so far away, I love them and their lives and what they have done for themselves. With all of this, it pushes me to be better in the choices I make my appointments, pay my bills ( preferably on time) and just get done what needs to be done. These inspirations are my life... And event  the simplist thing as growing plants from seeds to have them in the ground, hoping for a crop. And yet mother nature takes over and sends me a mole ( gggggrrrrr.) I absolutely full heartedly love it! yea sure I need to exercise more, eat healthier, be more positive, and look how others would feel( i have been doing more of that and my relationships with certain family folk, have been better. I went and got a pedicure with sharron, we had fun girl times, I realized i need to involve myself with her more, to make home life better, and it would make me a better person) So i am just gonna say, that sometimes, I don't always say the right thing, or know what to do. I may sometimes slip and slip on others expectations, and have a tendency to be a little harsh...but, that's me. i love me, all the times, regardless of my weird once in a while moments, and i love my peeps. So here is to the future, home, family, life I will have that is just a step up from what I have now, except I may own more things, and get to go to more places, but if it just stayed like this, i'd be happy too!

From me to you.

To whom
I have
mislead
deceived
broken
along the way.
I only hope for
forgiveness, that
I may receive.
For I am
merely human.
Unperfected
in nature.
Longing for
peace
love
tranquility
in all who
breathe.
And a
hand to
hold, along
the way.