why cant you see you have to be

I am officially upset. and i don't know how to explain this. but certain people who say that they are so good and pure should remember that being two faced is not a friggen option. and you people know who the hell you are. i shouldn't rant about this because it's not my place. but i am done with it. i am done with people not being true to themselves and the people they claim to love.. so find new friends and new people to give your bullshit because i am done wit it. you should be peaceful and wonderful like i know you to be.. but you are not. i can't take this i want to just sit you down and tell you that what i see and feel is not good, i wnat to help but i don't know how to help this one, it's like a whole other world for them. what to do what todo. i don't know but i really need to get some sleep so maybe that's why am ranting on like i am. so i apologize if nobody gets this. you won't cause it doesn't matter, i just need to let something out before i went crazy. so don't be offeneded just lettin some steam off then maybe tomorrow i can figure out what to do or who i have to contact to ge this through their friggen head . oh never mind. whatever. hey i could make a song out of this. i should ..mmm

My Boyfriend's Back

Yea i get to have tony back after this weekend. He has been on 12 hours nites with no days off for like 3 weeks. i miss him so much. Just to have him here reading his book while i do my grove thing on the computer is so comforting and i miss it ! He is the best thing that i could ever have in my life.. Having someone tell me i am beautiful everyday and actually mean it. To deal with all my mood swing drama that i possess and to give me everything i need. It's wonderful and i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, because i am going to. I just wish he would like ask me... But we all got our reasons, if you know what i mean. you girls know. Just the way he jokes with me and harrassesme, it's always like we're little kids. and it's so fun. and everyday i love him more, because it's always something new. Our favorite thing to do together is cook, i always get to be his sous chef, so someday we are going to have our own restaurant or cafe.. how cool would that be?! Going on dates to the movies and our favorite restaurant, Pacioni's they have like the best tortellini's ever! Oh and their pizza. Anyways, i miss him and i get him back, yea! Our first weekend together and i know i will not be sleeping in, cause he will keep me busy. And we are going to get our computer fixed so we will have a new one with dsl, yea up to date, no more dial up yea. Our computer right now is so friggen slow. Good nite! Oh they have a new italian bistro in downtown, i can't wait to try it out, maybe for lunch on saturday! i can't wait. YEa

May humanity reign on...

These past couple fo weeks have been a real eye opener for me. For some reason i have been so outspoken about things that i should remember to not have to say everything about everyone. i have just come to the realization that i need to focus on my self more and quit worrying about others, because it is so hard to put that in my system of thinking. so i need to change my way of thinking on those matters, that's all. It's just so hard when you have feelings about someoen that you didn't think could exist and you could never possibly could be. i was wrong and cannot accept that i could feel that way again. So all i have to do is not go there and i am not. i just wanted something more that what someome would want from me. and you know that's all right. Because i have someone in my life so dear to me that's all that i need. i know this person will be with me till the end and would go to the depths for me. i was just having too much fun being free from things for while and i think i went too far. Too far for me and saneness. But it's done and no i have not lost my faith in humanity. I have just maybe put up a fence that i should have put up a long time ago. That even if you give you're all you maynot be returned anything., because some peole are just not that way. i need to learn to be more cautious with that and my feeling, cause they always seem to be hurt. So maybe i have been negative on some aspects, but had a few kinks to work out and they did. So bearing with my rantings and cthanks for razienss. I feel good things coming and i can't wait for some new begingings.
I am also looking into some new hobbies. i am going to take a cake decorating class . yea i know like i need to be around goodies all the time, but i love to decorate things. I am definately going to start making more cards, i just love all the cool stamps that they have out there! Their are workshops that i am invited to, i just never go, but i really should start looking into them. and i have make a vow to call my grandparents more often so i can be on the up and up.. i got to talk to my grampy bob today and it was so comforting and to know that my uncle is doing good on his own, awakens my thoughts of i need to get a move on with my life goals. so just some inspirtation and realizations for this week.. this seems to be going good. and to all my people.. i love you all so much and we really need to have a sit down sometime.. maybe pick a day and time that we pick a place all at the same time and have some moments. The power of friendship is so important to me and i know it is to you, too.. so let's bring some powet with in all of us.. i am just so proud of you all for being their for me and being a constant souce of support and laughter because you all crazy. crazy lady.

The lost voice

There was a time in my life when I felt like I could changed the world with just my opinion on life. I know now that it doesn't quite work that way. I don't always get listened to, which now i have a tendency to let it slide. I just don't have the voice that i used to. Maybe because I am older now and i haven't found the niche that I thougth i would have by now. Or maybe because i have let it slide my self. To think that myself would have allowed my powerful voice about things so important to me slide right out and be put on the back burner. Tisk-Tisk, i say. But, what it really is, that i have become bitter about people and their feel sorry for me because i screwed up and didn't make the right choices crap. Oh and the they don't treat me right, so i am going to make it better by trying to get their good side and hope that they will eventually become a better person. To tell you the truth, there are extrememly bad people out there. They don't get better and they won't. People that hurt you and don't seem to care, will never care. No matter how hard you try or how much you look inside for the good. Yes everybody does have good in them, it's just that the bad is so much flattering for them. So this is why, people, that i have lost my voice, because i have found another one. I Found a voice to let people know that it's ok, to not like things or people. Not everyone has to be everything to you. IT's ok to think that people can't get better, some just don't and won't. And when you can accept this as a whole, which is incredibly hard to admit, it will awaken you to realize that all you have is yourslef and that's ok. Because in the end that's all that matters, that's what we strive to do, make a difference until we are gone. It doesn't have to be with everyone, either. Because the people you purposly hurt whether it's intentional or not, will always continue to do it, in very unintenitonal ways. it doesn't mean that you can't be friends with them, it just means that you should never cound on them to be their for you in the end. only a select few can do that for you. 'i guess all this rambling on may offend some people's belief's . Yet i believe that it's ok not to have to get along with everyone just because somebody wants you to. We all see different things in different people. so just remember that everybody has their ways about them and respect that. Maybe they can't explain it and they shouldn't always have to. Just try to believe they are also trying to protect themselves as well. Because that what it really is all about . so goodnite to all those you really care and you know who you are..

i want to be a homemaker

Before anyone should be negative about the title of this, please let me explain. it's just a fantasy. something that if i could afford it i would love nothing better than to stay home cook, make things, clean and keep everything in order. it's what i love to do best. but i also know that i would never be able to do that. so i have decided that i need to embark on some more hobbies for myself. so i am going to take a cake decorating class from my work, so i can be better at that. i am also going to start collecting ink stamps so i can make even groovier cards for all of my people. it's just my way of wanting to be a caretaker of the people i love the most. so maybe someday when i have enough money and kids i could do it for a while, but not until i have a career that i can fall back on. so if you think i am going crazy, well i might be, i just miss taking care of things, like people, that i need to get it from somewhere.

My First Day

Today was my first day of work in a month and a half. It went pretty good, considering how nervous i was about working on the floor so soon. I met so really nice, yet good crazy gals. so i think that this place will turn out to be a good thing for me. since i get to work around a whole bunch of cool crafty stuff so i can't wait to use my 25% discount on all the crazy stuff that they have at the the store. so i get to go back tomorrow and learn all the stuff of being sales floor associate. because i was trained as a casheier today. my first experince in working in a retail enviroment, it went really well. except for the fact of last night, i had an accident. as i was graciously getting out of my car to go shoe shopping, as i was wearing my flip flops on a very rainy night, not advised for here in washing ton, by the philsopy readings of tony. i fell over the curb on the sidewalk by where i was parked. i stubbed and scrappedmy pinky toe and the other one before it. it hurt so freakin bad i thought i would, you'll never guess, go shopping for shoes. so i did and all the people kept looking at my toe like i was actually go to try on shoes. at least i thought they were. i was so paranoid of people looking at my crusy bleeding toe that i couldn't take it and i bought of pair of tennis shoes, for work, which i needed. i just wanted to look longer, but i chouldn't. so i spend all day today at work in pain also with the pain of my siatic nerve, so when i came home i ate and took a nap. so that was my first day of work. thank you thank you very much.

yea i got it

It's so weird when you are so afraid to go to something new, because you almost don't want to succeed, because you feel so down, and when you go do it, becoming a wonderful experience. then you really like it and you finally get it. so that means that i got the job! i am so excited i start on friday, and tony is so excited that i am not at home being down on myself, but he might have his first weekend off and i have to work, go figure. I am just glad that i get to do something that i have fun at. And i actually get to make my own money. So hopefully everything is going to go good from here. And i think i need to apologize for being so outspoken lately. i love all of my friends and sometimes i have a tendency to put my opionion in too strongly when i am not part of a situation. i just hope that everyone can always remember to be honest with each other. and you know even when you are trying to be positive and peaceful to make your life complete. it is also ok to say things that may hurt others feelings, but use it in a resourceful way and just not to be resentful. Because sometimes you just need to tell people no, this is the way it is and this is how it's going to be and it isn't personal, but ****off. so i just had to say my piece, because i wish i was there to make everything okay, but i need to remember that i can't do that. i have my own. so girls i love you and no harm done, just always know that we have each other for a reason and to have each other to depend on for different things, so don't forget each other and why we all love each . okay i will stop ranting, because i could go on forever. bye now

start of the new

Everybody i have my first interview since i had to quit my job at the deli! i am really excited, even though it is retail. But, it's at michael's and i get to work with all the crafty stuff. so expect to have crafty presents! I am just nervous because i haven't worked in like a month and i just don't want my back or my leg to start hurting again.( i have a herniated disc in my back which is pinching on my syatic nerve that runs dowm my leg and yes it is the most painful thing i have ever felt in my whole life.) So hopefully i will do good and get this. And i can somehow not be bothered about working in the bank, i hate dealing with money! And if i don't get this job well it's definately a push to really keep looking for a job so we can get on with our own lives and move out. It would be so nice just for us to have a place not with the rents. Not that it's horrible or anything, i am just a my own space kind of person and really enjoy my alone time. So until we can get our stuff togehter properly, i guess i will be pushed, pressured, and snooped at. So wish me and my other half the best of luck!

beginings

Starting over has always been something i am acustomed to. I am always starting something different and not getting anywhere with anything. Currently looking for employment is so frustrating, because i plan on going to school in the fall. So i would really like to find something that will accomodate that and is somewhat unstressful. Just a job that will be there through school that won't add pressures with my life. so when i am constantly being pressured to get jobs that turn into careers or that are a totally differnt field of what i want to do. i want to go to nursing not be a friggin bank teller. i have finally decided what to do and everyone else thinks i should do this and do that. i just want to scream. so tomorrow i am going to do more job hunting and hopefully somebody will call me back. (send a little prayer my way my people.) i have also decided that i need to rethink my outlook on life and to not worry so much about other people and their problems. i really need to focus on me and my issues that have been trailing behind me in bags for the past couple of years. and once those things are gone i can start to move on with the life that is waiting ahead of me.