Take me home...

I who settle myself here
I who has to get it together
I who has to deal with it all
I who has to get the hell out of here.

Why is it when things are hard and unbearable, that I feel the need to run, run far, far, far away?
I can pinpoint it, but why do I stil have the longing?
It all comes down to being little and when things got rough at home i was always sent away. Everyone kept all the bad stuff from me. Shifted from my grama's aunt and uncles, family friends.. All the time. never settled, never stable.
Well all the bad shit in life they kept me from.. Well, bad shit happens to everyone, you can't hide from it nor run from it.
I am finding this so difficult to take out of my programming. I dream of a place to call my own. I am daydreaming my life away, because it's the only things that keeps me sane. So take me away, take me far far away. To a place that i cannot run from, or hide, that feels just fine.
Then i start to think that i am just racing and pushing myself deeper into a whole, because i cannot find the strength to pull myself out, so i think well let's dig alittle, go down a little further, at least i am doing something, right. NO.... i need to get the fuck out fo this hole, this wretched, dark, lonely hole.  A hole i put myself in... A hole that's all my own. And until i get out, i am just gonna go crazy. So i think my mind needs to learn how to climb, dig into the sides of this hold and pull, pull my way to the top, out of the hold and into the sunshine. The warmth of the sun penetrating on my skin, so soft and yet blinding that i do not want to look. But, this heat that bears down is so comforting, that once you feel it, you know. Your home!

Love you, MAN!!!

I have been reminded lately, that boys do cry. they get sad, depressed, and frustrated like their female counterparts. i have been reminded that once again the world doesn't just revolve around me. I also need to take a stand and push even harder if i am committed to making my relationship overcome everything we have been through. The past year has put many, many hardships right into our face. We are still behind and slowly gaining ground. I tend to make hasty decisions and appreciate when people can give me perspective when i do this. Because i have relized that i will not be happy without him, no matter how much i want to runaway. This is my life, he is my everything, no matter how frustrating and hard it can be. We have to be a team, do this together. We have broken a communication barrier, that has been there since the begining. A relization of that we both have to plan our life have goals together and discuss them, no matter how much it hurts.
So here is to tony getting a job, be keeping this job or at least getting a new one soon, if it not be so. We can do this, we will do this. We are all we have right now. It is us vs. the world... And i wouldn't have it anyother way. Mainly because i love him and he loves me and well, when i have lost everything else i know deep in my heart, that is what matters most.

Yes, may i help you... sorry i'm not taking any orders... get it your damn self.. wait, would you like a straw for that?

This has beent the heaviest and most emotional i have ever been while being on the rag. Seriously, i am sooo tired, anxious, bitchy, sad, depressed.. all in one time. they should have a name for it. oh they do.. it's your fucking period. this is crazy. i cannot sleep, then all i do is sleep. i just want to have crazy sex, but that's messy. Then i want to kill people. I am paranoid that everyone hates me at work and i am doing a bad job. Then i want to cry and curl up into a ball and sleep my life away. then i remember i can't do that, because i am the only one making and bringing in money, right now. which adds to the pain of this moment. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Then i am totally crazy juice and fruit, like those fruit a day things that are 2 bucks a pop with chunks of fruit in them. i  am being cheap and not getting them, but it's all i want. fuck this sucks. i just want someone to hold me, but then when i got comfortable i am afraid i would try to ravenously attack them and kill them. Maybe i am a cat, those are my tendencies lately. maybe i should get a cat. this is stupid. i need a vacation. someone should come visit me. or call me. i love myself  today, not like yesterday.......

i am a leader.

one should not work night shift doing inventory for a corporate business, while on the verge of aunt flo coming to visit. i truly was moody, bitchy and well rude. i made a lot of people frustrated and not communicate with me. which i tend to do when i am upset, not communicate, because of my fear of anger setting in at them. it was an interesting 3 days of overnights, which it's now almost 3 and i cannot sleep. go figure. i want to apologize for my behavior, but the recipients did not help with the process. i guess it's complicated. this was my first time being the control desk operator for inventory. with a manager who has been doing it for twenty years. she was helpful, but her style is do what you feel is right, if it turns out wrong, ithen you have learned your lessson. sometimes for particular procedures in a corporate business, i feel that it should be this is how we do it and not leeway, so there isn't room for error, because there isn't room for error, apparently. so frustrating. it's over for the main part, now i just have to participate in the reconciliation process which is more of a loss prevention issue, due to the shortage of what we find during inventory. so i am basically the copier bitch... lol. i will be fine, i wont work until friday and it will be fine. it has to be. another lessoned learned, out the door, and on to new stuff. if i could say all the things i learned in the past 2 months, it would fill a papaerback book. crazy. i should go to sleep now, but i really want a cigarette. and perhaps some hot apple cider. love peace and harmony.

This is mine.

Even though times have been very diffucult for me in the past year. I am thankful for so much. Thankful for my family, friends, dogs, my life. I may feel manic at times and depressed in others. A rollercoster of a year has past. I am hopeful for a new year and begining. A new begining to make something for myself. A hopeful future of  a good job for both tony and i. Never loosing hope that we can make. As a matter of fact we will. This is what i hold on to. Not my past to define me the present that holds me and the future that carry me. I do feel as sometimes i just float, i am taking every chance i have no matter how tough or scared i may be. I probably won't be millionaire, drive a fancy car, or own a mansion. But in my future i will be able to pay my bills, have a car that runs, and a roof over my head that i may say is mine. So many i know have this, and take this for granted because of whatever reason. I am happy no matter where i may end up living, because the address, time zone,  or miles from you i may be. Because, these things are unsignificant to the real things in life.
So this is my ode to 2011. I may not know what it holds for me, but i am keeping my head high, my feet grounded, and my soul encased in hope.