Mod clothing

welcome one and all.. i have found the coolest site for stuff.... If you ever wished to go to new york, read nylon magazine, love vintage, mod stuff, you should read stuff white people like and go to this site, modclothing.com. i have a link to the right under star dust. it has the coolest accessories, clothes, and knick knack stuff we all are into, robots, owls, mushrooms, birds( i can pass on the bird decor, unless it's an owl or a peacock). so check it out and wish you could buy everything like i did. woo hoo!!!

The winter of 2008

This was the first day of snow that we had in washington for the winter season! it just keeps getting more and more. We have about 16 inches and counting. We went down to the seahawks game. Let me tell you it was cold, but lots of fun, we got to see brett favre play and that was awesome! we bundled up and and sat in snow. we took the charter bus down so we wouldn't have to drive. Even though i think it was stupid to go down in the middle of a blizzard, i did have fun! WE won the game against the jets and was probably the best game of the season, the last year with mike holmgren as the head coach, so we'll see what next year entails. I didn't take any picture at the game but i have more of snow!

today sucks!

things are stupid, my clothes don't fit right and their ugly, my hair sucks, i need a trim. i fucking hate my truck, i had to scrap the inside of my windows this morning, i do love the snow. work is stupid, people can't come in, because of it being too icy, so we have like 4 sales this week, and no body to fucking work. i hate food, but i am addicted. i love smoking but it's bad for me. i hate the air i breathe i want to fucking choke it and i have nothing to wear, because it's so friggen cold that i have to wear 20 layers in my office, no fucking heat. oh and i hate everything, it sucks, having your period sucks, i just want to go to bed and sleep for like days and anyone who talks to me i just want to slap. i need chocolate, ahhh i need a fucking joint, bitch. fuck i hate today!

Too little too late.. i beg your pardon, you are in my way.

I was cleaning my room today, i got a new shelf for all of tony's video games and such. so i fianlly got behind my door to what i thought was just a box of books. no, it was a whole bunch of stuff i collected way back from school and all of your girls high school photos, piano recital recordings and such. then i found this journal, i kept it when i wrote to mike after he died. wtf, wow. it's really strange to read the stuff i wrote myself the feelings i felt, and what led up to where i am not and all the inbetween crap i did. so i am going to share some poems that i conjured up.

nov. 30, 2002
Seasons change
And so do we
Along we are
In a world of everything
The flowers peak
The roses blink
So what do i do
Wish not to think

dec. 15, 2002
Screaming thorns
Blackened rugs
Make me bleed
I dream of nothing
Talk to rocks
Kick the block
Scream at me
I scream at you

The rain that touches my lips is a kiss form you in heaven. The dew that covers the ground is a blanket you give to protect me. And when the wind blows through my hair i know you are lifting me along . Along an unknowing path. The footprints that i leave in the sand, will never be accompanied by you. But i know when the clouds form, your strolling along and thinking of me.

Now i tell my self how pathetically grief stricken i was at this time, to know that six years ago, i didn't think i wanted to ever go on with my life without him. Little did i know, that he was right, i will find my love, not with him, but with someone who really loves me, i will find it he said. it's funny how life changes and how things end up. i am grateful for his life i got to share but not for the pain he caused me, i am no longer mad at him. I feel sorry for his family, which i am not a part of, i was a just a passerby who latched on too long. Good riddence.

so i would like to say good riddence but as i was trying to read what the last thing i wrote was, it fell out of the pages, a picture of him, i can't look at it, i am afraid to, i don't think i have been this afraid to look at him, in years, will it change and show him scary or will it be okay, i don't know what i am talking about, why am i doing this to myself, jsut look at the fucking picture it's okay, it's just a fucking picture, so why can't i do it. because whatever i am silly, i will look at the picture when i am ready to, i still have fear, feelings and unanswered questions, that i will have to wait years for. until i go home, will be my answer. so it's okay to still be scared of someone you used to love. fucken stupid asshole, if he was here i would kick his ass, well if his ghose appears i will kick it's ass too, there i looked at it, it makes me sick,. i will never understand it, nor shall you. okay i am over it, r.i.p.

LIGHT UP AMERICA

It's amazing how often tony and i don't get out. so on saturday,we actually went and did something. my dad gave us tickets to cheech and chong at the paramount theatre in seattle. it was so fucken cool, the theatred is old and has crystal chandeliers, really ornate moldings all around the walls and ceilings and has like 4 levels, we unforunately were at the way top, it made me nervous, i wouldn't get up because i was afraid that i would fall down. they were really funny,too bad i didn't get to see their faces. and it was so smokey in there that i got a contact high. we had to go to jack in the box afterwards. tommy chong talked alot about getting busted and jail and how pot is awesome, of course. his wife actually came out and did some stand up. then we had to pick my friend up from the airport around midnite, so we didn't get home till late and i had to be up to go to work, 3 hours of sleep, i thought i wouldn't make it. thank god for rockstar! anywho, i am really tired and can barely type this. so a better one later, so light up america!~!!!

my career.. did i just step into it...

My inspiration for this blog is stemmed from kristen's recent entry. when you go through life doing what you are good and instead of worry about the money and going from job to job, you do excel and move up and have a great work environment which leads to a great self environment. i believe that i learned that form the job i am currently in. I started with the intention of just needing a job, asap. i worked hard, overcame odds and now i am a morning person. i do my job to my best ability and try to ensure that all of my team members are happy and stress free. i constantly go out of my way to help everyone, without really thinking about it. i actually love the job i have and the place that i work, of course there are bad days, stupid people and corporate bullshit, but overall i love it. i have been continously been moving up and people have noticed and want ne to stay and move up and have a better future in the company. so maybe i have found my niche, i love to organize, do paperwork, delegating is natural to me, but i also help out and do as much as i can, i direct people well and they respond positive. sometimes i can't believe it and i have to step back, if i think too much about it i get nervous that i am doing it wrong, but i let go and just do my job. so it works and yes i will be okay and if i stay with this company forever, it won't be so bad, beause i love to shop and fashion, and maybe that's where i should be. who knows where i could end up in ten years, in charge of something that is a little less technical, i hope i will be there,especially considering my discounts and the people are pretty good too!

karma gets you every time!

karma has kicked my butt, big time. it's like a mammoth came and kicked my mammoth ass, hard!!! so yesterday i called out from work, we won't mention why it doesn't matter, i just called in. so as i got to work this morning, the duties i needed to have done yesterday, well they weren't done. you see, 2 days prior to a sale going up, i view and print the appropriate documents for the promotions. these documents range from about 400-600 pages long, where as i have to sort my family of business and to the correct signers in 2 stores. i only have 5 other girls sing, but it is till a 2 hour process as i have to take them to the other store, chat with each person so they know what other toppers, specials, use your card perks are going on , along with the loyalty( credit) is to be applied for opening a macy's card for the first time, it changes every week. so all the emails i was to print out and pass to the others along with the event errors, weekly loyalty calendrs, also stapling, hole punching, cleaning up the office organizing and printing weekly signs, all on hold because i suck and didn't go to work, so all of this, minus the daily signs to print that come in batches had to be done today on top of taking down 2 sales, putting up and non adverised sale, and prepping a sale for tomorrow and one of the girls in my store called out. ahahhhhahahahahahahahhaahah must kill who ever decided that the sale should go down on a non ad day incorrectly coordinated up down reports, should fuckin die. i worked 9 hours to day , plus the help of the girl in the other store, to get this done. i hope to god the girl comes in tomorrow, next week is her last, so maybe she doesn't care, wtf, i need real people who will work hard, be efficient, shape minded, organized, room for change, and the willingness to work around other teams that change all of our stuff, oh and did i say organized and efficient. yea its'a need. i don't get paid enuff for this shit. so i am having a cocktail. a ginger goji splash, so it's goji berry citrus juive, with vodka, and ginger ale, i am on my second and i am a little tipsy, can you tell because i can't stop typing. tomorrow will be better because i am making a shitload of brownines for everyone tomorrow! okay i am done, enough of the ranting i need a smoke. lvoe

Most people would question my desire to dress up my dogs. to the contrary, bruce loved to wear the robe that went to his king costume, teddy didn't mind the wings, but they both hated the hats, so they lasted like a minute. it makes them feel important and they get lots of attention, and that is their a number 1 for them. so i totally love my pom poms and they are like my kids, so dressing them up for the holidays, it's like a day and whatever i love it. but, you really do have to admit they are super cute!

omg i need it so bad....

okay this is the deal, their are really cute dooney & burke handbags on sale at my work for like 40-65% off the original price. then with my 20% employee discount, and an extra 20 employee discount this weekend along with an i could have a super cute designer bag. omg what to do also in all the other department i can get 10-15% off plus all of the above, make up for what like 50% omg, what to do. give me like lots of reason why i shouldn't take a loan out to purchase the whole entire store. so i just want a bag. even if it's just a little one. ahhhhh i love hang bags i should have my own company, does anybody want to start designing bags with me, i can never find the one i really like the girl i work with is a seamstress and she will help.

Erin needs

i have been reading every ones "needs". i wasn't going to par take in this activity for it sounds a little fucken retarded. but, funny indeed. so i went to google and put in my name thinking that i would be getting something that i had no clue about, it didn't make sense, then i realized. this is fucken hilarious. so these are my needs and well, some may be true, most are ridiculous, and like everyone else., a double digit anything is good.

Erin needs
Another miracle- obviously i have issues that need to be solved, seriously.

The looney bin- i will be admited at 5 am tomorrow morning if anyone would like to join.

To wear shirts with straps, my tits must be falling? who da thunk?

Get a drink- fuck yea a double 7&7 . drink up

A liver transplant, yes it's all that drinking that i do.

To visit the library, yea i haven't read a book in a while, thanks for reminding me.

A bookshelf for all of my piano books, are they invisible and see throught my walls, because yes that is true.

To be naked, well possibly, what's the catch

And the number one thing that Erin Needs:

What most white girls want a cock that measures into the double digits. hell yea bitches, give me one of them. woo hoo.

So as you can see i really enjoyed this activity. i may have not done it correctly but, it was fucken hilarious. thanks for the entertainment and hoped you enjoyed it too!

movin on up to the east side... to the house in the sky.

So my new puppy teddy bear has taken upon himself, to really show the world what pomeranians are all about, sleeping in your spot. he loves to sleep exactly where you want to and he doesn't move, you have to literally pick him up and transfer him. then he tries to snuggle down with you. i love this so much, he is the most amazing dog. you can pick him up carry him around he gives you kisses and he puts up with anything, and sometimes when he barks he howls like a coyote. i love it, he is definately part of the family now. he just fits in and has become quite a wonderful dog. On another note, i had a interview sort of thing at work today. it goes like this. the store manager recommened me to this girl who is in charge of planning and staffing, so to say. they are implementing an associate to manager program in all the northwest stores. so you go through training and classes to become a manager and move up in the company. well, since i am totally awesome and do well at my job, he recommended that i talk with her, then i get to be picked out of all these others people to do classes, first i have to do a panel like thing kind of like and interview. so hopefully she likes me and i get to go to the classes. even if i don't get to be a manager soon, at least i will have the education. but they really think i could do this, never thought i would, but it would be cool, to stay within the company and make more money. and if you ever get a chance to shop at macy's you should, because they are awesome, best deals ever. so that's the news and i am stickin to it. oh and it's my birthday on saturday and i don't have to work, woo hoo! but i will be 28, what do you do with that? almost 30, that's friggen scary.

Happy halloween!!!

This is my front porch in segments, i wanted you to see upfront, so i did it in sections. i love it, but at 4 in the morning, it's kind of creepy the ghost who is a motion sensor, has a dying battery so when you go by it sounds like he is grunting for poo poo. anyways, have a great hallow's eve.also, i obviously have crooked pictures, so whatever.

i am officially sick

i have been currently diagnosed with strep throat and bronchittas. yuckky, and i have to take another day off, i ain't complaining, but the are going to be bangin and in my way tomorrow. and my friend is having company over for the weekend, so i can't necessarily go to her house,so i guess i will go to my dad's and hang out their for the day, maybe get some sleep or not. we'll see. and i need to do laundry, that has been unplugged for like 3 days as well, so i guessi have to go the laundro mat, or to sabrina's tonite. then i still have like 4 loads to do on top of that, and i will have to wait longer, because the floor isn't going in until monday and won't be finished until like tuesday nite. ahhhhh. just want to get back to normal. it will look so awesome, just time consuming. and stressful.okay i am going to take a nap. good bye

so tired...sick...busy...

I have suffered sickness once again!, worse than the one i had last year when i came to visit. i haven't smoked in like 4 days, i try to have a drag, but then i am like whatever why did i light this up? so i don't know, i want one, but i feel even shittier after i smoke that it's really pointless. i have missed 2 1/2 days of work, spend most of that time in bed, since monday afternoon, dealt with getting my health insurance. check this out, about a month ago, human resources had me sign a statement stating that my minimum hours for work was 16 a week. just for the purpose fo insurance. they asked me if i had insurance and i said yes, she was like okay you should be fine then. so last week i noticed that my insurance was not being taken out of my checks, i was getting direct deposit, so i honestly wasn't paying attention to that part, anyways, they said it was dropped,due to my drop in hours, what? that is bullshit... then since i am at a minimum of 35 hours, considered full time now, i am eligible, for better more expensive really awesome insurance. okay, so i fianlly signed up on monday. but since the window of time available i have to back pay from sept 24, on top of what i pay every week. whatever. that is b.s. but i get it. so i tried to go to the doctor on tues. i wasn't in the system yet, so about an hour a ago. h.r called and said that i am in the system, and i can use my insurance. so hopefully i only have to pay like 35 in insted of 150, what a pain. just so upset that my company didn't let me know it was going to happen. on top of that i got another raise, so yea. i just have been eating soup and jello and giner ale for about 4 days, and i need some food and a smoke. and a drink. also, we have no kitchen because it's being remodeled so all i have is a fridge, so i have to go to my friend sabrina's condo just to have tea or soup or potty if i am in town, because cold medicine, doesn't do a poopy good. so i am going back to work tomorrow witha doctor's note, hopefully i don't rack of too many attendence points, and i have a smooth day, because i also have to work on sunday. it's all good, our kitchen might be back together by next week and i am starting to feel better, and tony is awesome, because he has been waiting on me hand and foot, and i got sick on his birthday which was monday. my dad's is on saturday, i took the dog's in last friday for shots and micro chip well, for teddy and it was his 1st birthday, i am such a meanie... bruce got 2 teeth pulled and he is doing amazingly well, the thryroid medication is working, he is actually fluffy again! so they have been spending all their time with me in bed, what a bunch of cuddle bugs! so that's all i have for now, i am tired and hungry and should go to the doctor. so hope you are all good. miss you guys so much!

i loathe the 1st. and may just damn the 2nd. if i make it to 3rd i am taking it all!

Advice: never get married unless you plan on spending your life with them forever! even if you think it will never happen, just don't marry on a whim just because you are nice stupid fucken retarded or whatever. worst mistake of my life, can't get rid of em, and they take all of your fucken money. i can't find him, so i can get rid of him. fucken asshole, wish i could make him disappear or appear so he could sign some fucken papers. i want to just ahghas;dlgkas;dfkjasd;lfk;asdkjf. so don't get married, unless you know it will be for real and ya know, just don't do it. ever jsut never it's dumb, papers and shit. ahhghghgd;asdlkfj;sdlgk . so pissed off i want to zs;dfkaj;sdlfkj;asldkf;askdfj;.. ahhhhhhhh!

more pictures of my puppies

Challenge number 1

As my first day with my promotion, yesterday, i had to live up to it and take in my first challenge. my supervisor asked me to deal with a suit rep, that was in the store. she said that it would make more sense for me to talk with her about the signing and markdowns and placing of the suits, instead of her relaying it back to me,so she asked me to deal with her. Gave me the impression that it was goin to be stressful and someone who would be stuck up and really rude. they have a tendency to be that way, considering that they are representing suits that are worth hundreds of dollars, that's the impression they give off. okay to continue, i went over and introduced myself, we talked about how some of the suits were missed during markdowns a week ago, not good. so we went over that marked them, i made like 6 signs, going back and forth form one end of the store to the other, of course the sign shop has to be furthest away from suits. then we remerchandised like 4 racks. it was only like a 30 minute consultation, as we would say. it went well,she was really nice and i got a new look on how important each brand, which is a department in the store, is important along with each division, which includes many departments( brands, or several brands put together), as the whole things flows together in the store. this will be interesting to see as what other reps and challenges i will endure, along with organizing the other store, and the girls who have been their for years. wish me luck.

yea promotion

yea i totally got my promotion today! yea i am officially the lead signing associate for both the women's and home store! which means a pay raise and more responsibility! so that totally made my day! also i have been babysitting my friend's dog sweetpea, while her dog walker is having the flu, bumber for her! that's okay for me because i get to have three dogs for the afternoons! i totally feel like i am a mom with kids, but i have dogs! so all is good and i'm making chicken with mushroom sauce and cheese tortellinis's and olive french bread! so exvited about that! yummy and i am so hungry!

may i blow smoke in your face?

so i as i was enjoying my first break at work on tuesday, with 2 fellow employees. we were sitting on the bench really enjoying our cigarettes. when at 7:30 in the morning in the front of macy's a car pulls up. then pull up to the curb and 2 older gentlement get out of the car. one girl goes, don't tell me, it's jehovah witness'? low and behold, it was they started greeting us, then preaching about the miserable suffering we endure in this country. they offer some literatur, one accepts, i refuse as does the other girl. we does this politely, thank you very much. then they continue to preach about jesus. then the other man opens up with have you heard what the pastor said about the shottings in our area recently, we had a mass murder in skagit county about 10 miles north of here, to five miles south, 6 died and 4 injured, very devestating. the one girl says, you are in the wrong place to be talking about what we have heared, about the devestation in our communities. we realize what happened, we don't need to be preached about the devestation, thank you very much. they accepted and turned to their car and drove away. interesting, we thought the audacity to approach people sitting out in front of a mall early in the morning to preach, very odd, i thought, actually i found it rude. i like to go to preachers, them not come to me. my comfort level may be different then others, but this was just odd.

work, ahhhh! enuff already!

ahhhhh.... i am really frsutrated right now. i left work early this morning. i have worked 8 days in a row, getting up early each day, working the one day sale. really stressful,i feel like i don't have a life at all. by the time i get home with all the things i have to do, then it's dinner time and go to bed and get up and do it all over again. no down time, bad for erin. i really haven't had 2 days off in a row in like 3 weeks. ahhh. so i told my supervisor i need to know how many points i have for my attendence, and she asked if it was because i wanted to leave. she assumed it was because i didn't want to process on the dock. well, i don't mind it, it's not my favorite thing to do. none of the other girls had to work that many days, and most of them took pto's or called out, so i am stuck doing the work. wtf. then she had to lecture me on how my attitude affects getting a promotion and my willingness to be positve regardless of the duties i am given. well, duh. but i need a day off i need to relax and just be with my self, my stuff, my family, dogs, my people, just my self. i am jsut too overwhelmed and starting to be bitchy. not good for me or my coworkers. so we'll see. the other girl who applied for the lead signing position has been their for almost 5 years. so, she said that if she doesn't get the position, she is going to quit. whatever, so many people just not happy, i guess. i just belive that i deserve the poisiotn, because of the hardwork, and the fact i have been signing the whole store, basically by myself for a while. i really want the promotion,i belive i can get it.so on monday i am goign to express my feelings taht i have stated her to my supervisor and hopefully i can get this off my chest and getsome feedback from her on it. so i am home and now my ear is starting to hurt, probably due to the guilt for leaving early.

i am back!!!

so fellow bloggers, i am officially back from the brink of non existence. so if you haven't hear i broke the computer we just put in our room, i was exchanging the monitor and i pulled the connection too hared, i didn't realize that it was screwed in. so tony took it to get fixed and i guess is was connected to the motherboard, wtf. but, since it's a pretty new computer, they could bypass that and just put in a new media card, so yea, not to spend either! so i am no longer messing with the computer. i am onto day 3 of 8 again. wtf, i just want to scream sometimes, just to sleep in and have nothing to do, i wish i could do this! but when i get it i don't know what to do with myself. so i guess i just have to deal with life and just work. i also applied for the lead signer position, which gives me 40 cent raise and a guaranteed 30 hours a week, which will up my benefits to full time, yea! i would be in charge of the signing for both stores, training, organizing and workload schedules, which i do basically for the womens rtw store. so that's a plus, i don't know if anyone else will apply, but my manager told me to apply for it, so i guess that is a good thing. the doggies are doing well, i found out that teddy is not fully vaccinated, so we have to get that taken care of, piss me off. but, it will all taken care of. so i need to go to bed soon, and go to work. so there i blogged. good nite!

I am a morning person now, wtf?

so it has come to my attention, that when the sun goes down and as i wind down, i have a few friends who possible stay up later than i. because i am old and go to bed early. i just want to say that it is nothing personal, no against anyone, but i am so tired sometimes that i just don't have anything to say or cannot keep up a conversation on the phone. i just don't have the inclination to be enthusiatic. i am sorry for this! i apparently am a boring person past 9 at nite. so when you do call and i don't really have that much to say or do not seem interested, that's because i am tired. i want to talk for like hours, and reminice about everything and hear everyone's new stories and talk about life and boys and stupid shit. but i just can't that late at nite. it's really bothering because their are certain people i don't get to talk to that much and when i do i feel like i cannnot give my full attention. please don't be mad and hate me. i miss you all and love you so much and want to be knowing of all your things. i just have so much going on and stuff to get ready for the next day, that i am constantly not that exiting in the evening. so if you call early in the mornings, or the afternoon i will be super excited. i keep going on but, i just wanted you to know that i am hear and you do matter! to me to me!

good times!

so i am super excited! we officially have a computer working with internet in our bedroom. our own personal computer we don't have to share with anyone, or worry about people bitching about what we do on the computer! yea. i need to get a new printer compatible with this computer, but in due time! it started being really frustrating becausei couldn't find the cd for programming our usb adapter, we tried downloading it onto this computer, customer service all that crap, so we just bought a new one, and well, here we are! yea i am so excited. i am also really happy because my new dog is doing very well, adjusting to his life, i have learned to be less up tight and no worry so much about what bad he is doing or where he is all the itme. which led to him just being curious, and not really getting into trouble, no peeing in the house, no show biting, and well really liking the water. we have a pond in our backyard, like a waterfall one that is landscaped and stuff, he plays in the waterfall, goes into the pond and tried to get bugs and drinks out of there. hasn't gotten any of the koi or goldfish yet, so let's hope he doesn't eat sharron's fish! he also loves to be out in the rain, what a weirdo. it's all good, he's adjusting and enjoying his freedom. as for my brucey. well, he is such a big baby, craves cuddle time with all of us, still a little jeoulous, but always my baby, he sleeps on my side! and tony has his little baby. and brucey is still not liking the energetic part of teddy, so when that happens he barks and barks because he wants to play. silly little dogs, i love them both so much and want more. ahh i have a pomeranian addiction!

week 1 of august 2008!!!

so i am putting up a new blog, i have been super busy these past couple weeks with the new dog and all, he now sits, goes out the doggy door, doesn't pee, unless, it's by something new, so we don't put new stuff down onto the floor, i am getting the rest his papers tomorrow after work, fianlly. and some of his toys and crate, so its just been hectic, walking and playing and grooming, not just one but two stuck up self centered pomeranians, i think that's just their nature, it's more like that have attitude and just want to do what they think that should do, kind oflike a cat, but they come to me when i call them. and work, well, it's been hectic, the new girl quit, so here i am again, doing it by myself, and it's one day sale next week, ahhh! i got a new computer in my room, it just needs internet hook up so hopefully soon! and it's warm here, too warm for my liking , i need it to be like 65 at the most all the time and i would be totally temp happy! oh and bruce is a little jeoulous of teedy, but that's too be expected. it works out, and bruce definately tells you he is there, and teddy well, he doesn't bark only when he wants bruce to play, so like once a day if that. also, he totally drools excessively in the car and now i think he is afraid to go for rides. i have to work on that, abecause he has to get used ot it. so wish me luck and prayers for this! oh and tony is back working and got a raise, so yea! we can get caught up on bills and stuff and totally start saving! love you all and have a great first week of august!

Teddy

So this is a picture of Teddy. He is supper cute, 9 months old, pure breed akc certified male, unfixed pomeranian. he is lots of dk. borwn lowlights, and cute little white back toes, and one one toe nail, the other are all black. his right front paw is a little crooked so i wouldn't be able to show him i think professionally, because of the paw, so i think if i the trial week goes well, and i get to keep him, i will definately get him neutured. then he will be less likely to take off, piss on everything and just get lazy and fat, then it's up to me to walk them all the time. just as long as bruce puts up with it and isn't all butt hurt. so wish us luck and a few prayers and positive energy waves thrown my way, because i really like this dog and he needs a good home. oh and another plus he is free!! which he is actually worth like 500-700 dollars, wtf! but i would have a pack of dogs and other animals if i could. so yea!!!

the end of week 3 of july 2008

So i made it through 7 days of nonstop work at macy's. it ended with me working like 2 extra hours yesterday, and on top of that we had a visit from the head honcho and another managment team from seattle. wtf. stressed and went 4 hours with out a break or a smoke. that sucked! but all is good, the rents got home from another vacation, took us for sushi and habachi, we have a new restaurant in town! yea it was awesome, and green tea ice cream rocks! oh and the new girl at my work is very cool, we have a lot in common and i think we are going to hang out this weekend and go shopping or something silly! which is great, i love getting new friends that i can totally relate to and have fun with! and maybe getting another pomeranian, his name is teddy and he is black and medium size, about 4 years old, i believe, i might meeet him this weekend, and them introduce him to bruce. then he would have to come over here and stay and see how that works out, i don't want to bring another dog in unless i know ti will work, and you know more attention taken away from bruce, well, that
s another story. it will cost more like to go to the groomer every month, the vet, walking, food, treats. i kind of didn't take that into consideration until today, after his parents said i could get him if bruce is okay with it and he can learn to use the doggy door and stay in the yard, so we'll see. and i started my walk this morning. got up at 6, showered walked up hill to the end of the sidewalk the main road from my neighborhood, a good 45 minutes. i have eaten 2 apples already today and lots of water, and i am going to do this, get healthy, loose weight and stick to it, while keeping up on being active! i need to do this and i will, so i think today i will put up my inspiration board. so i am off for 4 days, if anyone wants to call, i'll be ready for some conversation! but, if it's past 10 i might not answer at nite, i am lame and an old person, i go to bed early! sorry folks, i have been officially brainwashed! the end!!!

hello, week 3 of july 2008

hello... world... hello people... i am alive...sometimes... maybe blurly... a little lost.... don't know what to say... so this is my blog... goodbye

another day... can i get a slice?

well it's tuesday afternoon and it's actually starting to cool down a bit, it's been really warm here, i had a great 4th of july, i should put up pictures, i will do that soon, i suppose. i had to work the next morning, so i was really tired. so me and my sister vegged all the next day. tony played poker with some buddies, so kelly got to finally experience some thai food with me! yea it was great and i got her to eat tofu! so i don't have to work tomorrow i am really tired, just finished a romantic novel by nicholas sparks, i am a junkie for his books, but they are so good and easy to read, just love them it only took me a day to read it, was that good! alicia you should read this one! i just love reading about people and the intriqit details, is that how you spell that word, intriquite? mmm not for sure, that's a first i am always good at spelling. oh well. so i am just chillin at home. drinking some tea, my financial aide for school isn't going as planned, the whole married to a retard part of my life i can't seem to get rid of is catching up with my real life. but, that too will pass and be over soon, i am going down this week to file, again. other than that i want pizza for dinner, i have been working a lot, i know i don't sound enthusied, because i am not. just hot and kind of moody, for whatever reason. i just thought i would say hello. maybe i will have more to say later tonite.

blue jays once again, ruined it all...

I knew from above that i would be, a person of light and dark, from the breathe of might. No one can take me away from that. okay so i thought i had a poem going for me but the blue jays are squaking outside my window. they taunt me you see. is it wrong to hate the blue jay? Tony thinks that it is my spirit guide. but, why? mmmm?

May your wings be spread, with the gusts of light, that descend upon you from heaven above.
May you fly so free, from the gust of winds, that keep you grounded in pain.
May you smile so brightly, from the kiss of life, that spins in your soul.
May you tread ever so lightly, upon the ground you walk, from this is where I come to you.

week 3 of june 2008

so it's a new week, i plan on going to the college tomorrow to get signed up for school. hoping that i can get a pell grant, depending on my marital status, it might affect it, so pray for me to get one! also i have tomorrow off from work, which i desperately needed for some reason. besides, the school thing, i just need time to myself. sarah's last day was today, and we still don't have anyone new to help me. so maybe i need this time to reflect how i handle stress and the duties, i need to perform well. i pray for this week to be effortlessly wonderful! also, the rents are out of town for a while and that's nice too. like tony and i have our own place and we just get to be, i love it like this! soon, we will get to have it like this all the time! SOON! well, i am also looking forward to this weekend, i think we might go to the drive-in, i hope i get to see get smart, it looks like it will be really funny! last weekend i saw sex in the city, agiain! my friend, sabrina, hadn't seen it yet, so obliged, and went! i love the series and the movie and carrie is my favorite, so if you haven't gone, you should, because it is friggen awesome! well, i am just blabbing, to blab. tomorrow will be productive and worthwhile! thank you!

new haircute!!!

So i am finally putting up pictures of my new haircut. i am totally loving now that the girl from my work fixed it. it has lots of layers in the back and the side, i don't know if you can tell too much. but all i have to do is blowdry it and a little straigtening in the morning and i am good to go. it's nice having a haircut that doesn't take so long to prepare. it is a little short for me. but i love it, i have a little style to it and it's great! oh and this is the silly picture of me and tony it 's great that i can still be in love with this man after 4 years. he knows me more that i know myself sometimes, and for him to be around and be as silly as in the beginging. well, i love it!

educate yourself!

I just got done watching and incredible movie. Charlie wilson's war. if you haven't seen it yet, well you should. so many things are happening to us now, because of these situations. did you know that because we skipped out so soon from afghanastan in the early eighties, did not help them rebuild and support them after we gave so much, that is the reason why they hate us so much over there. i mean, they think we are satan. we gave them weapons and trained them, so they could fight the soviets. then as soon as we acoomplished it, that was it. that their were men in congress who didn't give a fuck about fixing schools, and housing for these people. it amazes me that we haven't been fucking bombed by everyone. that is why we are where we are in the war with the middle east. i can't believe that just some help and support after all that money and pushing to get that accomplished and we backed out. we ended up with 9/11 people we love and know going to war, and we wonder why? well, that's why because of politics, because we as a nation are not informed. well, maybe we all shouldn't be. i am done with that, i need to make a difference somewhere, i need to know more. i need to know that i can count on my government to stand up for me and my needs. and it doesn't matter what party you go for or how much the candidates say pretty things anymore. it comes down to this. who do you think is going to make the difference, push us to the limits as people with information, to help our situations. it's just not a few, it's all of us, we need to be educations on international affairs. what can we do for our country?

if only the leaves fluttered ever so lightly, would i hear your voice?

so sometimes i may not be what you want me to be. sometimes i am what you always wanted. sometimes i am everything that you want to be. and sometimes i am never going to be quite like you. but, right now , i am me ever loving, ever changing, and ever questioning. my right as a person, friend, lover, and everything before and after. i am curious as to why you are the way you are, curious as to why i am this way to you and everyone else. what does it mean to me? well, what does it mean to you?

life is like a box of chocolates....

so once again i have had the ever popular, back that goes out while making your bed. with a dose of let's crawl on the floor to the b.r. and to the computer to get the phone only to realize it was in the bedroom all along. whf.i am doing better now, i can stand up straight, which this time, my back problem is different, i couldn't straighten my back and when i did it looked like i was dragging my leg side, like my stupid hips were out of place again, which last time was a main cause of my back problems. so now i reviewing my health insurance in the midst of changing over to hmo, can't decide what to do, mainly because i have no idea what they are talking about, so my friend sabrina who is the h.r. person for shell refinery, is going to help me this weekend, they sent all the info on cd's so that will be helpful. then next week i can get into a pcp see about and mri and figure out wtf is up with my back and have a diagnosis so i can continue with a treatment plan, hopefully just chiropractic care and not steroid injections, or surgery, or anything remotedly scary. so with 2 days off from work, with pto, i slept organized part of my life, and continuing on with a plan., now on to the next plan of schooling, is nursing goign to be appropriate with my back problems, or the hell with it contiue my plan and just see how it goes, i like the later. so that's my week. i work tomorrow and not again until monday. wtf, my life is like a box of chocolates, i fucking have to eat every piece, make my self sick, throw up and wonder why i ate them all, because it happens everytime. funny eh?

fun times, fun times!

so i am up late, i don't have to work in the morning, not until monday morning. i found the link for the secret thing, that is pretty interesting. i needed help on finding it, thanks kelly. so i have a pretty busy weekend coming up. i am going to my first pilates class with my friend lizzy tomorrow. i haven't hung out with her much because she has been doing her internship in seattle for an architecture business, so we are doing healthy gym things while she is working more at macy's . i go to the same gym as her, sarah, and sabrina. it's fun having new friends, sometimes. get new views on life and such things, and relearn what it's like to have a friendship with people in your own state. no offense to my awesome girlfriends, but i have been needing new good, honest and positive people who i can actually visit with. so after i do my new pilates class, i am letting in a maintence guy to sabrin's house, so he can paint something, while she is at work. while i am waiting i am getting thai food from sarah's other work, i love it their, i had spicy basil chicken last time and cocunut sticky rice for desert. delicious! then i am goign to rent p.s. i love you and watch that tomorrow nite! then on saturday i am going to get jean so we can shop for jerei's graduation gift. then we are going out for dinner probably. then on sunday i am going to get her again then we are driving down to seattle for jerei's graduation. it will be so exciting, i am going to take lost of picture even though he will be like no stop whatever, i don't care, stop taking my picture, you crazy lady, that i have known forever, but forget to talk to. he is silly and i am so glad we have gotten back to talking again, we have been kepping up on talking at least once a week. and it is like you said, kellly. even if you have lost contact for a while, we just pick up like we left off and it was only yesterday. it's so awesome and special. so my weekend is pretty busy and even though i complain that i am busy and don't have time just to be. well, i take that back, because i was home all day today, expect for going out to get my weekly latte and to the store, i had nothing to do today, but watch t.v. and now that i think about it, i could have done a million things. but really it is nice just to have nothing to do, or at least pretend, as i did on this really rainy day in washington. so for some reason i am type happy today and can't manage a phone conversation, sorry kelly i am totally discombobulated sometimes! i just need to breathe and focus on the better and be grateful, that i have people who want to be my friend. i just need to put in the effort just as much back. oh and the reason for this other new and long blog, i actually sewed up my pants today. all by my self, it was frustrating and took me forever to thread my needle, i did it and i did it well. i was damn proud of myself. i think my sister will be too, she won't have to sew my crap up any more. so yea, i accomplished another thing that i was saying i can't to, because i am easily frustrated, and i don't have patience. it's funny when you just do it because well, you have to. it just keeps getting easier and easier. soon all of my confidence levels will be up and i will accomplish everything i set out to do!i am really thirsty now. i need some water! i need to drink more i have only had like 2 today. well, another habit i need to set. it only takes 21 consecutive days, to set a habit. i read it at my gym. so that's a fun fact for the people out thier who seem to not get all their goals accomplished on time. so i should get water and go to bed, because i am sure tony will wake me up at 5 to fix something like lunch or breakfast, just to be a butt and these long blogs will stop. i mean it's not so bad i just feel like typing instead of talking. ... m&m's have a new ice cream treat and it looks like a giant m&m, i want to try it! good nite all!!!

entrapment? free at last? content? what should i chooose?

as i am sitting here in my computer room, knowing that i need to put up a new post, because my situation from last week is definately over. i am pondering on exactly what has gottem me this far and what i have accomplished and the things that i really don't care to share with others that have gotten me this far. especially finding out about secret,com( the idea is kind of cool). so here i am wondering what interesting insights or ideas have have conjured up this week. well, i have been busy with work, daily life, i have been not sleeping well and napping a lot during the day, man 4 in the morning comes really fast. and sometimes my days at work, are really long.
really what i want to talk about isn't what i am doing this week or anything in particular. just about life, and how it moves and doesn't and what i really need to do, to move along and become a part of my community and a life force for my family. yea things are how they are and the past is the past, but right now i am just me. with tony at his parents house living harmonily. as much as it can be, getting ready to sign up for school, haning out with new people. getting my self go to the gym. just staying busy and loving it, it makes me feel gracious and accepted and knowing that i don't need constant approval to know that i am a good person, a great friend, and a loving girlfriend, an awesome sister and a blessed daughter, and a forgving one at that, and and happy granddaughter. i am all these things, becuase all of those people are a important part of my life. yes people come and go in this life, well because they do, maybe less at sometimes and more at others. maybe i have lost trust with others or we just don't have time and that's ok, because it happens for a reason. i remember someone telling me that it's cute that i think we should still all be really close friends. well, it did hurt, but i realized, i do live in my past, because i haven't really made a present for myself. well, in the past months of working again, and making really friends that are positive, happy and willing to partake in activaities that benefit ourselves, i have realized that i do have a great present and i am pursuing for a great future. i will get there and it is going to be awesome. no doubt there will be hard times, but i know that whatever i do i will have lived out a great life, so when my times comes i am ready and because i don't have a choice. i may not be completely prepared, legalities and such. but, that's life and i love it. i would like to change certain aspects of my life, and sometimes my past, but i know it would definately change now, and i just accpet and never regret my past, because it has gotten me to where i am today. but a question i have to ask is just because i do have a past with certain peopel to i need to always have them in my life? their are lots of peeps out there that i don't always have completely contatct with, but with the help of myspace, well, we all know how that is. but i sometimes find that the people you keep in your life they are there for a reason, to grow and ponder with, i love that. to meet every couple of years, ponder our accomplishments and have laughs at the past, isn't that what family is for. well, maybe not everyone feels that way. i don't know, but i just hope that i am not keeping friends just because it's an obligation and i hope it's not the other way around. i want real viable people in my life. to count on and be a part of eath other's lives for as long as possible. doesn't it matter that we only talk once in a while, that maybe we are closer to others' and not so much with everyone, i don't know. i just love that all of my friend past, present and future will all hold a diffent value to me. also that my love for tony is growing everyday. we have our downs, i have a mean streak that i am definately working on, tony likes to provoke my anger, but recently we have calmed that down, with our sex life calmed down with that, which i just realized and that's a little weird. but we need to find a balance and get out fo the clouds. so my goal of going to school is goin to move us forward and into our own place, and ever going goal that i need to pursue along with my divorce behind me! it will happen and i can honestly say that i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but maybe i am kind of like samantha in the movie sex and the city, i have to constantly put that behind me. i love all people, but i need tony in my life, he completes me life no one else has, but sometimes my desires have a tendency to run out of control. that's why we stay home and don't drink out because i like to play a little too much. i guess it's good that a certian someone doesn't live here anymore, because that was going to far too. okay enuff of this talk. but i just want all of you girls to know that i love you for who you are and will be and always, and i hope you can do the same for me!

i'm staying

first of all i would like to thank all who listend to me rant and rave about my indecisivness. thank you girls so much for the imput and advice, i take it all very seriously. so, i am staying on start team as a signer. for the fact that my schedule for this fall will be pretty intentse, this is my main goal, so my supporting goals, should be less stressful and less intense. and i think being a serious commision based sales associate, would not be my forte as this time. possibly in the fall i can do it on the weekends, as a divisonal, where i wouldn't have the goals of commision or whatever they require. plus as i was looking at the requirement for the nursing program, i noticed that i need to get my cna license. i had let it slip because of my back. so this summer i am going to retake the classes and my clinicals, so by the time the requirement in 2009 is up, i will be prepared and ready. so that will require me to be employed at least part time while i take the classes and obviously for my clinicals, so that will be added income and i can work around my schedule at macy's for that as well. so i made my decision and let my supervisor and the i.a. manager know the deal. i feel confident in it and happy, disappointed that i didn't look into it further before i pursued it, lesson learned. and well, you always should learn something new everyday. good riddance.

can't handle it.

if i weren't such an indecisive person i would be getting what i want. but, i just don't know what to do, i want the new position really bad, think i could handle it well. but, no one on my start team wants me to go, even the store manager, they need my leadership and hardwork and they trust me to help the others get things right, they would would rather me stay on start team. but, it's all up to me, what i need to do for myself. they are even willing to give me more hours, and they can work around my work schedule more if i stay on start team. wtf. i feel so torn and stressed, that i gave myself a friggen stupid panic attack at work today and i had to leave, i couldn't breathe i wouldn't to throw up, and everyone was pissing me off, i just had to leave and cry, because i can't fucking decide what i should fucking do, like what the hell, it's just a stupid fucking job, that everyone thinks i should do except for my supervisor, of course, i should stay, more hours, flexible school schedule, ;perfect, except for just wanting to try something different, look pretty and make some extra money, just doing something fun. well, i don't know, tony isn't helping, because he thinks i would be a great sales associate, wtf does he know, i hate people and shit and poo and grrrrrrrr i just want to run around crazy in my head and fly away,i can't concentrate or breathe correctly, because both stupid positons would be great, all i have to do is just say yes, but something is holding me back, why, why why.ok i can do this, i told my sup. i would have a decison by tomorow morning, so i just need to do this, maybe it's my fear of being center of attention, i don't like that too much. and the selling part, if it wasn't for commision, i think i would be better at it, ya know. i can see my self doing it, but when i think of other people watching me do it, i freak,because i am a fuckine chicken shit bitch. ok well i;m not, i am just being negative. ok i will just take a breath and come back with another draft of positve words and pros and cons of this, i just need more time to think.

further ahead that i thought...

well, ladies, i may just be a certifed bra fitter in the coming weeks, that is if i can convince my current manager, why i should leave the start team. right now i am the lead signer, which to my standings is good, i always seem to be in the top which i can hold really well. i just need to be challenged and needed. and in my department, their is no need, just technical ability and repetiveness. which i can handle, perform well, and achieve. i just need to be closer to the clothes, i love fashion so friggen much, that i just see with this positon getting closer to that dream. if i could actually be anything in the world right now, it would be a fahion designer or stylist or boutique owner, kind of like a betsey johnson thing, but less intense, and more like me. i know i could do it, i just need the education, know the right people and the drive. so for now i am striving for the sales associate of the intimate apparrel department at macy's west in burlington, wa, at the cascade mall. i know i will do well, because i have to do well in everything i do, i am just better off being a manager, because i love to tell people how to do things just right, actually i am a pro and delegating. much until i am totally satisfied i am goign to continue on my path of nursing, with a side of fahion, oh and i will know by thursday if i get the job. my interview was awesome, i looked great, felt great, i will get it. that's all.

new position?

Today has been a really frustrating, only because i made it that way, but the one thing that came out of it was, i am applying for a new position. i have decided to apply for the sales associate position in the intimate apparel department at macy's west in burlington, it kind of sounds professional that way. i am considering this because i need a new change of pace, better hours to suit my college education and another reason to buy new clothes and look pretty every day and continute my discount, plus i would receive commision and other cool benefits, go to vendor fairs. their is actually a training course to be a specialist bra fitter, how exciting. well, the ladies that work in that department have been bugging me about it for a couple of days so i spoke with the manager, got the application and i am going in on friday to talk to her and have a interview. i have put aside the fact of having to leave the start team, when we are already down 1 girl and that sarah wants to leave, but this is my life, my time and i need a challenge. i am nervous and unsure of how well i will do. that means i should go for because what's the worst that could happen? nothing. i only work a max of 29 hours, in that dept, but i can pick them up in other dept. so i am going for it and not applying for the chef assistant position and the thai restaurant, that sarah thinks i should do so we can still work together, i don't really want to work in a kitched right now. it would be hot and stressful and i don't want to, i would rather stay at macy's and keep my benefits, so i will keep you posted on the outcomings, but i am really excited! wish me luck and some prayers, thanks. i love you all!

i feel the water running over my hand.. leading me to my light.

I have decided that i am going to pursue the career of a nurse. i have been thinking about it for years and i really need to go thorugh with this, if i am going to get anywhere in my life, i have just been floating. i hate floating.actually, i rather be in charge of where i go along this river we call life. i am the captain of my own destination. i possess the navigational tools to lead a successful cruise. i will find my destination, pick up those along the way who may guide me along this, it will never end, just as the water moving never ends.

understandings of the life of you...

Welcome to my blog... you have reached the highest possible connection in which to possess powers within. please do not depart from this page, it is not a test. it is a true and positive force within us all... noted from the pages of eternal happiness and peace for all mankind.

goals... at which i need to be consistent and disciplined!

Today i realized that i really need to make some major adjustments in my life. if i ever plan on getting ahead to be the person that i know i am capable of being.

1. save my money( i will shop less for unescesary items. which includes, clothes, bags, make-up)ing frugal, is what i will aim for.

2. be confident in myself, i can achieve anything i put my mind to.

3. go to school( nursing school is my goal, it is a career which is stable, needed, openly availble, no matter where i choose to live, self fullfilling by helping otheres, and a comfortable nest egg) which everyone needs.

4. release past conflicts, which need to cease due to present situations.

5. find friends who are trustworthy, good, wholesome, happy, postive and fun. surround myself with these person, in order to have a sound and soughtful life full of friends who love me and i love them, they last longer that way. love the ones that i have and nourish and keep together with the ones that i have.

6. de clutter my mess. get rid of build up of material junk clutterin my head and life. letting go of these things, will push me forward into a clear focused life of love and peace with in myself.

7. be happy.. to not get upset or pissy at the small things. simply breath, close my eyes and think of why i am upset and how i can avoid the anger i build up inside. there is a reason for all things. and if it needs to be done, just do it. express the feelings why i do not want to do it or disagree with the situation. stand up for my beliefs and reasoning. NO MATTER WHAT!besides the possibility of violence, abuse, or anything hurtful to otheres or myself( that is a given)

8. procrastination not being an option. learn how to get things done, on time and in a good, healthy manner, this will lead to less stress and anxiety for all.

9. love myself. i am all that i have, and if i cannot do this, who can i love. i am beautiful, smart, trusting, happy, loving, funny and reasonable. i can maintain peace within myself.

10. be healthy. learn to eat healthier, less consumption, exercise regulary. becareful not to upset my back issues.

these are some simple yet very profound goals that i am focusing on. i am going to change my life for the better. i need to do this so i can live my life how i want to, not by others. peace love and happiness

once again.. in the life of.. me...

So i think i need to get away from the sappy emotions i have been having for a while. and let's get into some good ones. well, for starters i went camping this weekend up at baker lake. we went from friday to saturday, because well, we like our time alone at home, we have kind of formed a niche. we enjoy being along together in the house, without anyone around, i believe, more than anything. we get invited to go places and do things and we are just like, well no. i guess we are old boring folks. but, it just suits us right now. but, we had fun camping, ya know smores, fishing, walking, being in nature, chasing bruce in the middle of the night in the campground, because he thinks he needs to sniff everything. i was freaked out some scary animal would come out and eat us, so i chased him around with the lantern. which including was freakin' cold as hell would be. so we had fun. then we went home and i napped for like 4 hours and just hung out together. we just like to be... i have started getting into reading at least 1 book a week. everyone should read Loving Frank. it's about the love affair between mamah cheney and frank llyod wright. a truly inspiring and moving true story. the struggles women have with their lives to choose how they want to live and love. to give up the normalcy of life in the early 1900;s which i belive we still have some in us. to leaving family, children and everything you know behind to fullfill your needs, wants, aspirations, and knowledge of the world and to be with the one you truly love. the struggle to find the peace with it all. so it really inspired my love for reading, again. the feeling of just waning to find myself and enjoy what is around me and just find me. so it's a must read. let's see, what else. not much. working, not as many hours as i want, cooking, and that's all pretty normal.

DESPERADO

I don't what it is, but i have desperately been wanting my mom near me. it's all i can think about and everytime i do something it's all i compare things to, like how she used to do this and what she would say. so i put up this video, because it is her favorite song! everytime i hear it, i just sob, knowing that it totally defines part of her life and is so relative to her situation. if she would just have let someone really love her. well, it could be so different. but, it never will be. so i have just been missing her. wish she would just call and say " erin, no matter how bad it gets, it can only get better" she always said that to me. man, why didn't she follow that? i just love her so much and want her here to see who i am and what i will be, doesn't everyone want that? but i am being selfish and i personally just need to let go. or maybe this is going to lead up to when i can finally forgive my mother and be at peace with her abrupt departure from us. i will get here i try everyday. so when you listen to this song, just picture my mom in her apartment, windows open, the breeze blowing throw the curtains, and her cleaning around her place and just singin the hell our of this song. god, i miss that so much, you know the way she just loved me or as much as she could. it just fucking sucks so much that one person could be so inspiring for all the downfalls they endured, amazing actually. because i have always grown up not wanting to be like her. but now, truthfully i would love to be the wonderful, loving, open-minded, fun person that my mom was. funny how life takes you and that drops you. i just wish when i drop it wouldn't hurt so bad, i guess i need some more padding, ya know.

i hold hands with a ghost...

When i think of times i had you at my side, i sigh. knowing you were just there, satisfied me so. i can't recall the your scent or even your voice. i do know your face and how you would always comfort my pains. to a time all i wanted to say to you was a yelling threat of words, trailed by resentedment, pain, and the promises you never kept. these are things i throw back in my head at night as i cry. to know i had you,whenever i would call. Just the thought of your exit, inflicts pain, unimaginable by the naked eye. i ask forgiveness, for i fear i can't forgive you. if only i could let go, just once and be centered that i had you for a reason and that time is only a fragment of reality. then i could rejoice, knowing when i go home you will be thre, at my side with the smell of your skin and the throbbing hum of your voice as i go to sleep. but to stop and be happy with my memories, is the hardest task,that I endure. I keep it with me all the time, wishing i could just empty my pocket and throw it all away. but, you as well as i, know throwing things away,only leaves us empty. I don't want to throw you away, just push the pain aside. I am just afraid that when i do, i will have to stop holding hands with you.

i don't have a title for this...

so this has been a couple of hard weeks for me and my family. we have dealt with a close friends, death, wrongful death at the hospital, she was only 39 with 3 kids, awesome house, tons of money, lots of friends, family, the whole shebang. now she's gone. the funeral was really emotional for me, it reminded me of my mom and mike and tony's grandma and everyone else i have lost indirrectly or not. i cried a lot, more than i was expecting. i felt embarrased because i was crying for her kids and how we as a family were going to miss her, especially tony's mom, they were best friends. so it made me realize. life is so short. thinking about maybe doing something, but never putting foot upon our goals, because we are too damn comfortable with what we do in our routines, to change. how pathetic. really, i have been lately, i have a job that i love going to every morning. even though it pays shitty, and the hours are bad. i have a great family system and support at home, even though it drives me crazy. my dad and sister are alive and like everyone else struggling to make it, but that's how they roll. my cars all work, i eat well, smoke, sometimes have an occasional drinky for relaxation. i mean i am so damn comfortable i am totally afraid to move on and take the risk and fear of paying my bills, working more than i want to , not wasting my money and doing all my extra time in for others, well, as we have all been blogging about what we should do and why life sucks. maybe we need to sit back and realize , it doesn't if i was in irag or thailand as a prostitue or being raped everyday in the work fields, or having to beg for food, not having anyone at all or living in my own hell of dependency on drugs, booze, men and abuse, then i would profoundly be worrying how to kill my self or someone else to survive. so that's not me or any of us. we have it so good, yet we pity ourselves into thinking we can't do it. well, if one of those unfortunate people in really bad circumstances, can make it out, go to school, have jobs and take care of kids, because they have no other choice. well, i have no other choice, but to be the best i can be. that's all their is to it. and if in the end i spent years in college have no clue, what to do with my degree or skill, well i keep going on, because if i don't i could be one of those unfrotunate souls. i don't want that for me or any of us. so i am giving my self a goal. i am signing up for some sort of schooling for the fall. then i will work another job this summer, to save up and tony and i will be in a place, definately okay, i don't have a goal on that, but, this is personal. and i know i can make the school thing for this fall.

eyeliner

so i guess i should blog according to kristen or the monkey will be after me? whatever i am the monkey and i cannot go after myself, or can i. or is the monkey really something else. ahhh who knows. so i am currently trying to get my anti spyware program to work and it's fucken retarded, i think i totally deleted everything when i went to uninstall it so i could register and reactivate it. whatever, whoever designed this, is fucken pissing me off. so i am waiting for a new reactivation code and stuff so i spent $50 on this crap. also, tony has a bad tooth and the flu this week, so we went to the er on tues. he got antibiotics and some pain meds and he goes to the dentist on tues, for x-rays and for them to check it out before they pull his teeth out and fix the cavities. men, they need to see doctors more often, so i have decided that when he needs to go i am just going to make the appt. myself, so there he can't fight that one.i went shopping with jean today and that was super fun, she should get the results of her mri and other mammogram next week, hopefully on monday. so then we could possibly find out what is going on so she can get her biopsy done, and figure what to do from there! oh and tony actually went out with the guys from work for beers. it's about time. he never goes anywhere to do that, or hang out with anyone else, really. unless, his friends get time off from their kids and they all live further away, so that doesn't happen very often. so i am just chillin and eating swedish rye cracker with mushroom swiss spread and veggie dip i made, and an orange soda, not so healthy but, it's soothing me because i am stressed out about the computer. alicia is sick, too and i hope she finally realizes how much medicine really can be good for her and that she gets better, so there, she can be so stubborn at times. that's ok, i am difficult and don't like people to tell me i am wrong or need to do something, so we all have our weaknesses, with usually stem from being stubborn. so kristen now that i have blogged are you actually going to call me sometime or what. so that's it and i need a cigarette and yes i love them. oh and the eyeliner thing, i have finally discovered black eyeliner, use it correctly and i look fucken hot, i should take a picture tomorrow and put new pictures up, so look for them this weekend. my sister's can rose, which is suppossed to be mine, had 4 babies, a black, grey, grey tabby, and tan tabby, almost like lilly, i am taking pictures on sunday, so look for those next week. i am done, my hand hurts and i need to conversate with some one . who should i call, or who will actually answer?

Where have all the raimbows gone?

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So this is for the fact that sometimes i totally feel like just running away from my life. i start to feel it all caving in, like everything is just nothing, my life isn't what i want it to be and i'm just not happy with what it's become. I go through these moods, then come on i can't control them. i totally try everything to stop them.i have no motivation to go and work out or do anything out of my comfort. and i think that's my problem,just doing what i need to do and not worry about what might happen or what others think. but these moods, lately they are repetitive and i get in a funk and it drains me. i feel lonely, lost, our of place, and out of body. i don't know who i am and i just want to run away and leave all of this behind because i feel wasted and useless. so i just wanted to talk about that, then i remember that people are dying to just have somewhere to live a little bit of money ane some foods to eat. i am lucky i have great friends, life and all thatjazz. it's up to me to make it worthwhile and better and do things to improve them.

it's an upsidey weird thingy!

so the news is that my friend hasn't had her surgery yet, her arteries and veins were so coroted and her heart was in such bad condition that she couldn't even have a biopsy, so they are suppossed to do that either today or tuesday, then she will let me know, they really don't even know what it is, they think it's cancer, but it looks so weird, that they are having specialists from seattle come up this week. i just pray she will make it through this. and that this can be the end to her suffering, like jerei said, she does need new karma! would could she have possibly done to deserve this and she doesn need to rethink her brain. so if everyone could possibly put some prayers in for her, it would mean so much to me and jerei! so that is the news.

too close to home!

Something came to my attention, that i have never had to deal with personally. Something that i always heard others have or taken care of but, i thought i have finally gone through enough, then it hits. My good friend jean, has come down with breast cancer, She has to have both of them removed on friday, It has currently also gone to her lymph nodes. so the doctors don't think it is very good, and that she possibly couldn't be looking at a terminal cancer situation. all with in a week, to find out,get tests, surgery, recover, then possibly not make it! I don't think she has realized it or accepted and i know i haven't either. it is just so much. since she doesn't really have anyone, i am going to go with her on friday, and she will be in mt. vernon at their cancer center, so i will only be 10 minutes away. hopefully she can get a hole of jerei soon, so maybe he can come up and support her and keep me company. i just don't think i am ready to loose her, i have come to know her as a friend, mother, and even though we haven't really been that close in the last couple of years, i just don't know if i can handle it. i know i can but, i don't want to. this record of loosing someone close every 2 years, well, it might keep on track. i doh't like it, but they happen, it's like you can feel it, gosh that's horrible, i couldn't imagine, not having her to talk to ,yea know, and not even close to imagine how she must feel, she has alreay gone through so much in her life, she deserves, to have it good, once ya know and be relaxed. i just hope the tests come out better than she thinks and it will all be over soon and she can get on with her life. i love her like a mom and feel like being selfish, ya know. okay i will keep you updated and maybe i should just call jerei myself and have him call her!

recycling!!!

So i am giving your some useful information into saving the environment and getting free products! From March 10-May 10 you can recycle any used bottle caps( they do not recycle, did not know that) through any aveda store or through the mail. i got this information from SHAPE MAGAZINE. I went to the site shape.com/aveda, but it does not exist so i wrote to the magazine. hopefully we can get the information of the details for this event. it would be really exciting to be able to save these items form going into landfills and destroying lives of baby animals who swallow these materials and end up dying of malnutrion. how horrible is that, i couldn't believe that people wouldn't recycle this and why is this stuff ending up in our oceans and other bodies of water. so i think it would be so beneficial to be part of this process, and get a free product from the company. so i will let you know on the details if i get any. Go green not mean!

yea !!!! i am groovy!

so i officially have a new phone! still so excited about it! my first phone all by myself, well sort of, whatever, it's mine. and it's the perfect plan and i am sure i have let everyone else know so yea call me i love it! until i actually have to pay the bill. but, i will be responsible and do it myself , thank you very much. so it is way cute and red and really cute! can't you just hear me say that like really fast, i know you can. anyways, i am tired my eyes hurt and i am going out for a smokie and some coffee,then a asprin and then dinner. yea yea yea! phone for erin

phone

so i just want to let everyone know that my phone has been suspeneded. so you can reach me at tony's number. if you don't know it, call alicia and get it from her. so i am going phone shopping with my sister for a new cell phone. so wish us luck.

crazy times, crazy times!

so as wonderful as i looked and felt this morning, it didnt'turn out as well as i planned it to. first of all i had to prep for a sale today, it was so awesome, i was almost done, totally confident that this was the best prep i have ever done, so much more confident in exactly where things were. then it hit, we had to set it as well. which was really frustrating because one of my sections only came down for today, so i had to put it back up, not very good time management! i was upset for a while, then realized it only took me 2 extra hours to set, good thing i am awesome at preping now! so i just wanted to vent because the sale was for tomorrow then changed for today, frustrating is what it is! it's okay i get extra hours and i still get to come it tomorrow for some more hours!

it's me!!!

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French art and Italian dessert?

So my saturday was a really good one this weekend. i sometimes hate the weekends, because i end up being at home and cleaning or doing laundry, and always looking for something to do. So yesterday Tony and i went down the seattle museum of art or the "SAM". It was really neat, haven't been to an art museum in a while. Too bad it was opening day for the exhibit from the louvre and family day, but we managed. They had a good size exhibit of the roman culture from the Louvre museum in Paris. It was so cool to see these statues that were carved by hand, so detailed and done so many centuries ago! you could actually see the dates carved in them! to imagine up close that people were around then and lived in a culture pretty close to ours, considering we don't really sacrifice or brutally kill as much. but, it's very similar, too bad all the things in between had to bring us down. To know that they showed their status by clothing, hairdo's and material possessions just as much as we do, well it was neat! The religious aspect was really interesting, all the cults that the romans and were a part of that to me aren't really cults, just more like separate spiritual beliefs. my favorite mural, was of a roman slaying a bull, can't remember his name, but with all the zodiac signs looking down at him in a circle. it was so detailed and to know we still rely on these symbols of future, is just amazing. Besides all the wonder and amazement, tony still seemed to get in trouble. he got yelled at for touching a mural, which he didn't even do and then they said he was standing too close, and the security lady was really bitchy. oh well, it's never a dull moment with that man! We went around and looked at all the other artwork and exhibits, which to me i love looking at paintings and just starring at all the brushstrokes and i thought tony was going to die of boredom. we looked at everything in about 2 hours. then enjoyed some gelato and a corner dessert place down the road from the parking garage! it was a really good date and so pleased that i have someone to do those things with, even if he causes trouble!

the money

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the end of the week! yea yea yea!!!

So today was a rather stressful day! first of all i had to be at work at 4 in the morning, which meant i got up at 3, that wasn't so bad, my windows weren't all fogged over and i acutally got to work 15 minutes early! i waited for the girl to come let me in, and none of our codes worked. then the security buzzer went off because we tried it too much! sucky! then we went to the other store to help then out for a while, we fianlly got in at around 4:45. which put us like an hour behind. which was so stressful, because i didn't have time to fully prep for the one-day sale on top of morning specials and does this for my four departments, which consist of intimate apparel, juniors, better sportswear, and moderate apparell. it took forever, even with help from someone, we didn't get out of there until 10, which was an hour past our time. not only did that happen i even stayed late by 3 hours yesterday just to get prepped some what. so friggen frustrating. then they called and wanted me to come in tomorrow for more set-up, because they figured it was ok, earlier in the week when we told them no one was scheduled and there were specials to put up. so i am not calling back to work tomorrow, because that would put me at 8 days in a row, no over time. and i want a day off! so i just feel so frustrated and i know i made some mistakes and missed some signs, because i was rushing just to get done. ahhhhh, i can't wait until the other girl comes back from prego leave! then life will be grand. other than that i am good had my shower ate some lunch, watch untamed heart, i heart christian slater so much! tomorrow we might go down to the museum in seattle to see the opening of the roman statue exhibit, i bet it will be awsesome! can't wait! so talk at you all later, gator!

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To the one i love!

so this is the incredibly cute card tony got me for valentines day! i love penguins, he gets me one every year, i have a cute penguin cookie jar! and the card, omg, so awesome! and these flowers are so pretty pink and purple. he usually gets me roses, ( so cliche).I really love these flowers, even when i tell him let's not celebrate or let's do it another day, he suprises me every time. like last year he bought all the fixings for me to make spaghetti dinner, before he had to go to work. and got me flowers and chocholate! he can be romantic, when it's necessary, which is more than i give him credit for. so this is a dedication to the man i consider the greatest and knows me better than i know myself, but's up with my crazy mood swimgs, grumpy mornings and still loves me no matter what, did i mention he thinks i look better without make-up, i thinking he just tries to make me feel better, but it's bullshit! so this one is for you tony, i love you forever!

weekend update...

So since i didn't get paid till friday, i got tony a travel case and all the goodies for his psp, he absolutely loved it! then i took us out to dinner for chinese and we went and saw fool's gold, it was so funny! great date movie. i think we are doing pretty well, sometimes' when i look at him i totally cannot picture my life with out him. even seeing another man some what nakes, only makes me think of him and how i wamt him. it's funny how that works. then yesterday we went to my dad's and low and behold my sister had a job interview for mc donald's. she got the job and starts orientation on tues. it's at the one by my house so i am going to pick her up and take her home that nite. it's so awesome for her to finally get a job! she keeps telling me that her childhood is over and i am like it's been over for a while honey, you are 19. she'll get in the groove of things and i think she will actually love working. so yea for her! now it's sunday i worked fro 4 house and i am off until tues.then off on wednesday, work thursday and friday. off on saturday work sun -thurs. what the hell ever, then i have a 4 day weekend, my schedule sucks, but it's a job and it works. so that is all for now.

i am blogging!!!

Okay everybody i am officially blogging. geez 14 comments, that's a big one for me. so yes i am okay, just really busy with working, going to the gym, and doing home things. getting up at 4 and and not getting home until 2 them cleaning, cooking, working out, pleasing tony and my dog who has to be up my butt all the time, we are walking for 20 minutes everyday and he won't let me forget it. so sorry. well, i hope everyone else is doing well. i have lost about 4 pounds in my goal of trying to loose some weight and be healthy, but i think i gained it all back this week with my intake of a very good cream puff. i love the french. and their baking and un.. not so much the calories of what i injested, but damb it was soooo good! hope everyone had a great valentine's day! i was going to take a picture of the things i got, but i left my camera in the toyota. oh yea i am now officially driving the truck, tony is up in ferndale working for a while. which means that is a 40 minutes drive one-way, so to save on gas i get to drive the blue tractor, that's what it feels like anyways. but, oh well at least i have something to drive, for the time being, until i get my car back. ahhh.
so i decided this year i didn't want to celebrate valentine's day, on valentines day, no going out, flowers, candy presnts. nothing. just us and us. so i was going to make chicken picata and just enjoy the the hosue to ourselves. well, i did make hima homemade card, which he always loves, because i always say cheesy stuff in them. so when he was running late yesterday and not answering his phone, i was kind of getting nervous. so he knocked on the door, of course i answered, and there he was with a whole bunch of purple and pink flowers, the bigges box of chocolates and a card. stupid butthead. but i think he knows better than to not get anything, because deep down i do want it. so he's good, and the card was so friggen cute. it had a penguing on it and it said" what what i do if i didn't have you?", then when you open it " i would still be looking for you" how friggen cute and he knows i love penguins, so he's good, except for the chocolates, he knows i am on a diet, they are my pitfall. i hate too much last nite, so i made him put them up high, i don't know where they are hidden and if i ask for one he will get it for me , because i would eat the whole box. i just can't help it. but we watched good luck chuck last nite at home, and it was friggen hilarious, everyone should see it! we went to bed early and he actually watched project runway with me, oh and he didn't make me cook, we ordered pizza and diet coke. the man of my dreams. we are going out for chinese tonite and maybe a movie, we'll see. so i am doing well very happy and getting healthy and my clothes are fitting better and maybe tomorrow i will put up somepicture so you can see my beautiful flowers.