Follow up...

so just some follow-ups into my life. my sister and i sort of found common ground this weekend. i took her around to get job applications and and that sort of stuff. even though we ended up in the er. on friday due to a massive migraine, we got it all taken care of, the needle was friggen huge! so she is getting better, trying to figure our her life. so hopefully if my dad is being a jerk she can turn in some more applications and get a job! i finally paid off my gym due and today i want to go to water aerobics, but i don't at the same time. i tried on my swim suit for the first time since this summer and omg i am a fucken huge jaba the hut fucken fat as ugly bitch. now don't go telling me it's not true. i am huge i have to deal with it and if it means calling myself a few words to get my butt going, so be it. and if one person says no you are beautiful, yea i know i am beautiful and all that jazz but i am huge and it's not pretty. so whatever i am going and someday it will be pretty again. oh and it's like totally snowing we had like 4-6 inches here sinc yesterday and more is coming. yea snow, bad if you have to drive in weather when most people i don't think know what snow is. ahh, but i have 4-wheel drive. ok toodles.

i love my sister!

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I wish that i could change how my sister feels about her self. To be a strong and independent, intelligent woman. To realize that you need to get out there and find yoruself, among the casos and trouble. To make a path to call your own, and who to let go down your path with you. i just worry so much about her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I always seem to have a way of helping people. But, she just won't let me into your life. it's like there is the wall between us, no emotion, other than anger from her. She just thinks that i am stupid, cliche and too happy. Well, i know what it's like to be in pain, depressed, unhappy with myself. She just sits at home watching tv, listening music, and eating. Doesn't really go anywhere unless it's to a store with my dad or if i take her somewhere like shopping or to my house. she doesn't hang out with anybody or talk to anyone on the phone, she doesn't have internet, so that sucks. But, she won't get a job, or learn how to drive my dad's car so she can go look for a job. None of us can get her out to do that. i always bring her applicatons, the newspapers with jobs circled. And maybe i am pushing her and just pissing her off all together. But, i don't know what to do anymore. i always just say that i am trying to help. But she jsut says i am in the way, i don't need your help. girls, i am at a loss. My grama esther is worrie sick about her. and well, i just don't want her to go down the same path as my mother, and my grama says that she needs to get out and be with people. kelly hates peopel, she takes friggen anxiety pills, because she is afraid to be around people. she is a friggen hermit. help!

Get it on....

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I have to say that sex is not the same when you are in a serious relationship. Toi imagine being with the same person for years and years is a great thing, and i can see how it can be monotonous and boring. because, well for like 6 months, i haven't really wanted to, like i just lost my groove. which for me should be impossible, because i love to have sex. and i am with a totally awesome guy who loves me and thinks i am beautiful, when i truly look like shit. so it has nothing to do with him, because he can groove very correctly. it's that i was so tired of having to perform and be so in to it. i just couldn't like it. almost like it was a chore. something i had to do because god forbid a man who can jack off all day has to have sex with my stupid fat ass. well, there it is. i was being negative and not liking myself. which has been an ongoing personal battle( i am refering to my weight issues). i still don't always feel comfortable when i have extra weight wobbling arouand, well folks, ain't too pretty. then a couple of weeks ago. i just couldn't take it anymore. it's like i got crazy and needed to be the sex maniac i had been for years. it was always my control i felt with guys, the need to please some one so they would see me as beautiful and sexy, even though i wasn't skinny or totally gourgeous like i felt under my weight. so as i keep thinking about this. it really has nothing to do with the control. it has to do with the fact that i need pleasure so does my boyfriend. and we take it when we can( considering our living situation, we don't always get to go crazy. And it's really funny we have sex that's it, i got my control of this is what we do, this is what i want and thanks i am done. and that is how i got my groove back. oh and by the way, the rents are living tomorrow for 2 weeks. which means we really get to be crazy. so to all those people who have issues with sex, which i am sure we all do. it doesn't need to be a never ending battle in your head. Just have it then remember that who you do it with, especially if you are in a committed relationship, you should be lucky to have someone want to do it with your stupid ass after all these years. and it's quite funny, because we still laugh and do stupid shit, in bed. so this comic is totally something he would say to get it on. after all i am with the guy who thinks that beavis impressions are sexy. so god help me, i am in love with a dork, who still thinks i am sexy, beautiful, crazy all the time, but he loves me more than i ever thought anybody could. and that's what i call making love.

what... is .. this... crap....give me candy!

well, ladies and gents: i am currently in a state of i don't know what the fuck. i got off work early and i have watched t.v., done my hair, nails, ate lunch, computered, i believe that i am actually bored. you see, when i get off work early, unless i am going somewhere or doing a project or laundry, idon't have anything to do or anyone to see except for my dad or sister. either everyone lives to far to go see or they are working all day. this really sucks, i don't have any friends that are really close to me here. i have a few that i see like a couple of times a year, but that's it, just tony and i. i am boring right now. so i should really think of something to do with this wasted time. for now i think i will go and get a coffee, but i should be going to the gym, taking some classes, something. well, by tomorrow i will have my gym dues paid off. ( and sierra, don't need to say it to me again.) but why am i not going to school for something? i could take courses on-line, anything. so i am just chilling, reading magazines and contemplating what to cook with dinner, i only have 2 potates, i guess i could make rosemary potates, mmm oven roasted with garlic and thyme and olive oil, salt and pepper, mmmmm me want taters. ok well, i don't really have anything importatnt to say. oh well, the rents are going on vacation for like 2 weeks, i take them to the airport on monday. so that's cool. other than that, i am at a loss. okay bye now!

well.. i may be free soon!

So i would like to let all you lovely peeps know that i may be officially signing some important papers on tuesday. i will be officially a free women, with the endless possibiliteis of my current relationship. i know it's about time, but all is in due time. I can finally carry on what i want in my life, without that baggage pulling me down. He is coming down on tuesday, hopefully he will remember the papers. we are having lunch and will sign on the dotted line. woo-hoo. Then hopefully sooner than later i can be mrs. stokes, how cool would that be. we talk about it all the time, you know where it's going to be, he wants one in vegas, but i want it to be close to home with all my favortie people's. so maybe we could get married there and come back here for a reception. then we want to go to either the somewhre tropical or ireland to drink all the guinness we can take. Our colors will probably be gold and burgandy. it's funny how we talk about this like we are actually going to do it soon. i just want some time to be erin cadden, officially, again. But, no matter what happens, i don't regret a thing, everything is laid in place and happend for a reason. Then big decision would be to who i would have in my wedding party. so there alicia i wrote something knew, hope you are happy!