new year.. see you in like 10 minutes!

I'm crazy insanely busy at work. I feel alive, overwhelmed, new, confident, stressed, and did i mention crazy. I may have an opportunity for a management position at a different macy's. It is south of seattle, in a bigger mall, bigger store, more responsibility. But, i need a full time job with benefits, executive position in this company is the only way to go. I am going for it. It's either i get it or i don't. This upcoming 2 weeks will be crazy. inventory, i am in charge of teaching the classes. Did i mention i have no idea what i am doing. So i am reading all weekend for this. oh and did i metion that my first class is monday. Craziness. I will be fine i always am. I can do this. Sorry if i haven't been contacting anyone. Don't have time. The only way is maybe a moment of social networking. My only chance to know what everyone is doing. I spend all day with people, retail, or my desk constantly fixing schedules, budgets, etc.   crazy but i fucking love it. love you all and everything you plan for this new year.

I want a pony for christmas santa!

It has been an emotional week for me. Our financial issue have caused me to be a psycho nagging bitch. Which if someone would just stand up and do their part, i wouldn't have to be. Besides that my work is insane. Managing an office for a retail store. It's totally insane. So it's like i am an administrative assitant to the store manager, which i am in charge of the cash office, secretary to every little thing that happens. So i have to not only please human resources and be their secretary i have to please operations and ensure that everyone is doing their part so i can enter and keep track of everything. So every meeting they have, i enter into the computer and keep track of the progress of safety, the budget, schedules, etc. It's insane and i certainly am not getting paid enough for this responsibility. I love the experience and how it will look on my resume and hopefully help me move up in the company, if the opportunities arise.
also, i was visited by my aunt flo for the first time since i lost the baby. To be honest i was a little heartbroken and relieved at the same time. Heartbroken that i am not pregant( we aren't trying). And relieved that my body is starting to function somewhat properly. also a little scared because what if it happens again.
I had this dream the other night that i had a baby girl. We had to leave her in the hospital longer than i could stay. I couldn't go pick her up, so i made tony do it. Because i didn't want to. Then he brought her back and he was so excited and happy. When i went to hold her i didn't feel a connection, almost like she didn't belong to me, and i didn't want to have anything to do with her. at one point in the dream i left her on the bed, to go to the bathroom. When i came back she was gone and all i could hear was her crying. i eventually found her under the bed. i was upset that i would be blamed for her beign hurt. that's all. I felt the emotions more in this dream than i ever had. I just had not connection and wanted nothing to do with her. But, tony was just beside himself.
This stuff is so emotionally disturbing to me. It's everywhere. People with babies. People pregnant, toy babies in the stores. Babies on tv. ahhhhhh... it's so much and then the holiday season and you know people that aren't here, like my mom. i feel like i am going to cry at everything. i mean just putting ornaments on the tree last night, and all i wanted to do was cry, because i could be having a baby, and i wasn't, and my mom wasn't here and we will be opening presents and no baby. 
I just need to calm down, this is what happens when i get days off , i think. no more. i am done.

Stay up up up!!!

I pray that everything I have been through was to give me strength. The strength to hold on to life. To hold me up and never let me cross that fine line. The one that will snap in a given moment in some. I pray that I hold on to hope.

i have gracefully taken every blow. I fall to the ground, shaken, scared, afraid to react. Then i stand up, dust my self off and contunue on. Right now, i continue until the next hit. So much pain and loss. I have not once given in. So is that my lesson, never give in. Never let the pain take over. What did i do in my past lives that i now need to learn no to be taken over by such devestation.
I write this to a testament to myself. If i were to ever list the shit i have gone through, i wouldn't. My life has been so tough. one thing after another. I am trying to figure out if i am giving enough to this world., if that is the cause of all this mess. So dramatic and life changing, each one. I am just so tired, lost, and mad. Mad at myself for not trying hard enough. I don't want pity, empathy, or encouragement, i just want an answer. One thing just to make it okay. Am i in my right place. Am i what I am. It's like it's out of reach, just past my fingertips, it only shows when the light shimmers over the layer of dust that surrounds the world. I just keep going, day by day. Until that one day when i don't stand up, it will be okay.

AHhhhhh! i start my new job next week.. Money is fucked up.. Stressing me out.. I know it will be fine. it has to. Just when getting this temp job would help us out, it's all we have for the moment. I need to just get shit together. abhhhhh... this year is fucken crazy. I am changing my nail polish. that's my change. tomorrow is better

3 libras

that's what i have in my life, my dad on the 11th, tony on the 6th, and me on the 18th... i had a great time on saturday when my dad and sister came over. we celebrated all of our birthdays. i made homemade lasagna( that was amazing, thank you very much). drank some wine, watched a movie, then had pumpkin pie. my sister and dad got tony a new book and a seattle seahaws t-shirt, he loved it  of course. then she got me a new purse, (yea) and soem bath and body works set, i think it's called dark kiss, well whatever, it's amazing., and it came in a cool purple bathtub! it was fun to have my family , the dogs and just hang out. Then with tony's parents gone, even tho i miss them, it's nice to have the house to ourselves! it's like our very own vacation. Then yesterday tony gave me his present early. He got me some new perfume! so i should be smelling good for a while, mmmm i wonder if this means they think i smell bad. any who, it's been a good week, i had a few days off, and i go back for 3 full days, then off for my birthday , and to pick them up at the airport in seattle , on my birthday. so i am hoping they will take me out to olive garden. i'm getting my hair done today. nothing major, just up keep . wish i could go short again, but i am trying to grow it out, it's just since well the loss , i have so much calcium in my body, i have long nails, and my hair is growing thicker, and it's crazy just like 6 weeks ago , i had my hair done, and it's like it's been 3 months. so yes it's been 6 weeks since the miscarriage. i am better about it. i am not as sad, but when i see babies, or families, on t.v. or wherever, it makes me tear up because i still want that, i honestly thought it would pass, but truly it hasn't this is what i want. but, enough of that, i will 30 in less than a week, i am starting a new job, sooooo here's to positively good new stuff!!!!!!

new job!

So i finally got the administrative support team supervisor position. which basically means i am in charge of the cash office, assistant to the store manager and human resources manager. which i will have my own office, have more reponsibilites as in scheduling the two cash office associates, interview schedules and matching managers to the schedule, scheduling computer based training, on-line paperwork, for new associates. Attending lots of meetings and taking lots of notes. So this will be an awesome experience. i am doing this position while my current supervisor is on maternity leave. So i am hoping i can overcome my flaw of feeling bad when i have to tell people bad things,... something i will definately over come. being more assertive goes along with this. which i am having a in balance issue with this, due to the other position i once had as a manager, when i was too assertive, had two employees quit because of me, and lost some friends, due to me being too bitchy. so now i am not assertive enough i need to become this. not because i have to but because i have a tendency to sugar coat things, so i don't hurt people's feelings. i have no problem doing this in my own personal life. so why as a professional do i feel like i can't. because i do not want people to hate me. i know if my friends and family think i am bitchy they will still love me. but, strangers, co workers.  so i am going to work on this, do my best and be myself. i will have this job for 4 months, and if she decides to not come back or leave soon after she comes back i could have it full time. so wish me luck. i will be busy, stressed and well back to my regular work self, hopefully. 

Bring me love...

I have some awesome news!!! i spoke with  mike last week about getting this divorce taken care of. He has gone to our lawyer to make sure that all of the paperwork is sign correctly. Then the lawyer is just going to page where i need to sign. So hopefully i will be going down in a couple of weeks to do this. Then the he said he could have it filed going through court in a month. So I am only counting on that it could be possible that i will be free by the end of the year. I am not going to believe it until i see it. But, this means that i also don't have to pay for it myself, and i no longer have to worry about it who has to sign what and send to here and show up,, blah, blah , blah. So here is to hoping one thing will go right this year.

also since i am going to be turning stupid 30 in like 2 weeks. I want the following to happen:
  get the job as adminstrative support team supervisor, temporary, possibly leading into full -time!!!
 Tony to pass his border patrol test on my birthday.... Just send out good vibes, please!!!
To not be sick.....
All of this things mentioned could bring endless possibilities to our future. Who knows where it will take us or how far we can go... Things are needing to change. It's been such a hard year, which so many obstacles weighing us down..It can only get better right, and they were all things that were uncontrolled. i could have never ever prevented any of them. So here's to trying to somewhat have control on our future.

sick days.

so on top off everything else in my life. i have managed to get sick. i have a sinus infection, which is gone due to my antibiotics i took earlier this week, but i had to go back on wednesday, get chest x-rays, no pneumonia thank god!!! but, i had to have my oxygen level tested, be put on a nebulizer, which helped tremendously. to find out that i have asthma.  which i did have sports asthma in school. but this is different, i tried to move some boxes at work on friday, only across the hall, and i coudln't breathe, at all. i was also prescribed a steroid to open up my bronchial tubes for a couple of days, it make me so hyper, anxious, restless, that i hardly slept for 2 days. it helped, but now it's been a week, i still feel shitty and my ears are still plugged up, my nose runs, and i cough. due to which i haven't been smoking so that's a plus. i am just tired, and don't feel good, i want it to go away. im afraid i will have to go back to the dr, to have my ears drained, because i hate the feeling of them being so plugged up. it seems i always get sick at the beginging of fall. so stupid, this stupid cold and flu shit....

I heart you!!!

I probably shouldn't talk about this but, very few of you know who i will be talking about. A really good friend of mine and jerei( don't tell him i told anyone, i just need to get this off my chest,please!) has been diagnosed with lung cancer. She found out a week after her friend i helped take care of for her passed. She has been feeling it for about 5 months now. They cannot pin point the exact spot, so they cannot remove it, give chemo( which she will refuse anyways). It will most likely move into her esophogus, liver, and then bones. She has lost 30 pounds since i have seen her, which has been only over a month. She looks so bad, her eye sight is going. So i met up with and had lunch with her today and went shopping. I just cannot believe it. She was like my other mom and i don't want her to go. She is such a neat lady has been though so much herself, she doesn't deserve to go out like this. But, it makes me wonder if you go though so much in life is the end really dramatic as well. It seems to be a trend... And all i could do is ball my eyes out when we went to leave, poor thing even held me, though her chest feels like it's on fire and it hurts to the touch..So i will be strong for her, even though she says she wants to be alone in the end. bullshit, she cannot be alone, i have always promised i would be there. As much as she will let me, she is a damn stubborn lady. I guess i have had her in my life for so long, that it would seem just so wrong for her to be gone. If it wasn't for her i would have never left mike and made it though that time in my life. The first time i met her is when i lived in our little pink house on 4th street, right up from the warf, and she came knocking on my door, wondering if i had seem any ferrets. I hadn't, but she lost one of hers. From then on.... she has been there, making me food, gabbing, smoking, drinking, just being there. When i moved 4 blocks down from here, i used to loose wiley my dad's dog ( lived with me at the time) he always went to her hours to get food and play with the ferets, she would call me up and ask if i was missing wiley again, of course..This is going to be especially hard for jerei, he is like the son she never had, that's how there bond is... So if you talk to him just don't mention it until he does, cause he's like that. But, we don't know how long she has, so just keep her in your prayers and thoughts, please!!!

i can't think of a cool title for this... so i am calling this.. i can't think of a cool title!

So i go back to the doctor in a week for my pap. i also need to mention that the pelvic pressure i felt when everything was happening, started about a month before that. not a lot, but like for a minute every once in a while. i even looked it up on line under pelvic pain... nothing about being pregnant. so i looked it up again. and low and behold it's all about pregnancy. also tailbone pain in added in with that too, and it started like 3 days before. So many signs added up that why did i notice. but, watching the show i didn't know i was pregnant. lots of women went through what i did, ended up being pregnant and didn't know it, they all ended up having a baby, but they didn't know... it just made me feel better knowing i am not stupid and at least i know the symptoms now, and i am aware as all women should if even if you are not in the putting pregnancy in your world at the moment.. just know it! know what to look for, because it can happen even if you are on the pill, tubes tied. amazing how when something wants to come into the world it just does....
I am also going to need to discuss my behaviors since then, more like my mood swings. it's like one comment sets me off, and i freak out. I don't want to, and after i let it out, i just cry because i know it didn't mean anything, i wasn't really pissed off, just frustrated. Also, i go from abeing happy, to sad, to angry, to blah, in a matter of a wink of the eye. So i have been doing all this looking up symptoms, and did you know that post traumatic stress is a possibility. since what happened was traumatic, followed by depression. The ativan the dr. gave me helps, i have been taking it everyday, once i know i won't be driving, which is usually after dinner, it definately helps! But, something has to give... i can't go on like this...I know it takes time and patience to deal with this, but i am tired of feeling like my head is going to explode. Along with my headaches, my bp going back up, my stomach problems, the constant anxiety which turns into either a anger flare or a sob fest...I guess was not prepared for this type of loss. I could deal with everything else that has happened to me, i am strong i move on.. But, this girls..... maybe i have been pushing too much aside in my life and moving along too soon! It's like my mind and body have slowed down and it's making me deal with it on a level i have never experienced. I just have to believe everything will work out! That's all i can do. So i have  alot to discuss with my dr. maybe I will look into finding a group or going to a therapist, again. I think that it's more than this loss, i think it's all of my losses, pain, and stress thoughout my life just bursted it's bubble.  I know i;ll be fine..I have to be, i need to. Not just for myself, but for tony.. He';s been so good to me, being there, being the brunt of my madness, the should i lean to.
I just really need to be stronger. I need to do this!  I need to show tony that i cannot be broken... I have stood so long.. Now it just feels like i want to fall. But, no i will not. We have to be strong as a team, a couple, for the sake of our future. Because we are going to have an awesome one, with or with out babies. Definately more pomeranians!! okay enough of this! i made really good spaghetti and meatballs today. i can focus on my cooking, it relaxes me and makes me feel important. until i get our of this forsaken place, which will happen! i must march on... I will not do harm unto other under this house... which i want to sometimes. I will place my anger towards something positive... It's times like these i wish i had a piano. it used to save me from my mother. I guess it wasnt saving me, but i felt safe, invincible. In a world i knew wouldn't tear me down... And what the hell did i do in a previous life that i need to constantly keep myself afloat from such tragedy, grief, and disappointment. Maybe because i don't see it like that until someone mentions it. It's just my life day by day. I mean so many people go through sooo much more that i do. And they can make it! i have the strength, power, and love!!! And anyone who reads this... if any of this makes sense, well i'm glad because i sure as hell don't feel like i am. and im too tired to read it back. maybe tomorrow. maybe never.... is it bad luck to always read what you wrote.. should you wait a while. or if you don't will it change... whatever... i'm rambling because im tired. Its also a full moon tonite! i should get out the chalk.. if you put it on warts it goes away. if you tie a ribbon in your hair and draw a picture ofwhat you desire and then put it over the body part it corresponds to it will come true. of course the color has to match the type of desire. my grama used to tell me that. we would do it when i was little. funny how little things make you want to go back.,just be little for a moment and revel in it! i think i have some yellow ribbon...mmmmmmm.. well good nite!

I need to be rebalanced, ladies!!!

who knew i would still feel so lost, sad, and just sooo blah... Everytime i hear someone is pregnant, then i read an article about someone looising a baby, then it's on t,.v. then they are at work, everyone. everyone has babies, or has lost babies. I just can't take this... It makes me hopeful yet scared, that I may never or i will end up being pregnant with twins, ok it runs in my family, my grandma june is a twin. so i'm just so whatever. i look down at my belly, and never before in my life have really wanted a baby in there. I feel like i am going crazy. First of all i would have never admitted this to anyone, yet here I am telling the world, well my world. I just want baby clothes and baby things and all i think about is baby baby baby....fuck.......yes if iam not thinking about babies i want to just have sex, sex sex.. That's it i am positively just going insane right now. I know that with the hormones of pregnancy going out of my body, oh yea one more month of that, plus the hormones of birth control... And the loss of a baby, i just want it. So i am hoping all of this will just calm down and i will just be ok... Well, at least a less insane moody freaky forgettful, klumzy girl. Crazy girl.. I really just want some peanut m&m's like right now.. so need some, but i guess i can just go for some dried fruit mix, which is fine, i just need a good girl night with laughing, crying, wine, cigarettes, some good fucken groovin music, and a strange bed. just i need to go on a vacation somehwere and stay in a hotel, with a massage, pool, hottub, my girlz... Shit.. i need a fucken awesome vacation... or even a nite away, from this room, these moments, just away, an unknown away, ya know, just to rebalance!

Up and away...

Have courage for the greatest sorrows of life and patience for the small ones, and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily tasks, go to sleep in peace.. GOD IS AWAKE.
( Victor Hugo, Frech poet and writer)


To love means never to be afraid of the windstorms of life: should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the beauty of the carvings.  ( Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, swiss born american psychiatrist and writer)


To be nobody but yourself-in a world which is doing it's best to make you like everyone else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting. ( e.e. cummings, english poet)

FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES AND WE FORIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US.( the lord's prayer)

Sometimes the quotes of others inspires me to look beyond my own self and remember that something larger is at work here. Something I may have created.. It's life... My life... It's hard , sad, and can tear you down... But when you look up what do you see...I just hope you never tell me.. Because for each one of us it's differnt.. To me that makes it all worth while... My life... my something large and powerfull... It's all mine..I don't know why all of these things happen to me and why I need to learn all of these lessons... But I will go on until it's my time to turn down the sheets and visit the stars...

Always on my mind

I love this song. tho it was a sad one, it reminds me of being little out on the farm with my mom and dad and the record player going and willie playing in the backround. it just makes me feel like i am home!

Within

Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds that light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest to us.( Johannes Eckhart, german mystic)

I needed you....

Yesterday at work i was approached by my supervisor and the human resources manager, asking how many hours i wanted to work during the holiday and while i was in school. I told them i woudl work as many as i could , so they wanted to know if i could work 40. at first i was like shit... i don't know. but i said yes, and i could do it. Then they asked me if i was interested in my supervisors positions while she was on maternity leave. i said that i had been but with school i didn't think it would work out. They said that i could do the weekends and it didn't have to be just during the day or week. So they was cool. It would be  a signifigant pay raise and yea more hours!  Then later i was went back the the hr manager because of my concerns and reservations of the position such as my fellow employee being there longer in the position and so forth. She told me not to worry because i was more qualified for the position due to my experience as a lead before in the company and that i was just good at my job. OMG!!! she has been asking me for like a couple of months but i am like well school whatever, so now i will be at 40 hours in october and until she comes back to work in march or april. I really need the money and it's great experience. i mean really good experience. so i don't know what i am going to do with school, they stil don't ahve my shit together and it starts in like a fucking week. so i am thinking i can do this position make some money! and get into classes for spring and go from there. ALso, jenn has told me that after maternity leave she might just come back for a couple of month afterwards, because she has been trying to start a day care. so it could be permanent.... i mean woowwowowowoowow. it's crazy. on top of that i met up with mike last nite gave him the papers then he will send them back to me and i will file them.and 3-6 months, will be free. sooo things are just happening and changing so fast. It's like loosing this baby opened my eyes. Makes me just do what i need to do. becuase for the first time in my life i know what i want. I am getting ahead in work, school is always there for me to go to. not that i won't. but right now this is great, too! And i really want to have a family with tony. He's been applying for tons of jobs on top of getting ready for school. it's just so weird, i mean all of these things happening. I am still really sad and kind of depressed. i admit that, i cry everyday, but i get up go to work, even tho i hurt to my core, my muscles, even in my toes and fingers just hurt... STill sooooo tired, that i need to nap everyday. but i am being honest with tony about my emotions and all of my feelings, which i have never really done. opening up more telling him really what i want and for the first time we are on the same page. when i say babe i am sad right now, he just holds my hand and smile, that's all i need, just him to hold my hand and i cry but i stop and we go on.. so for all the shit that has happened this year. it's picking up we are making our goals i mean for god sake i am going to be 30 in like a stupid fucking month.. we are adults and we need to act like it. oh and i've lost like 4 pounds! sweeet!!!!!!!!

update

So i went to my dr. appt this morning. my lady parts are healthy normal, great. my cervix is squishy, and that is suppossed to mean it's good. Oh and to top it off not only did i get handled by my dr. but she had a student. hey 2 for the price of 1 haha. anyways on to the serious stuff. i am going on birthday control. she said it would help the bleeding, headaches, and help get my periods back to normal, until i decide to have a baby. she said we should wait at least 3 months, but studies now show that after 2 weeks you can conceive and everything will be fine. i don't know what this means for us yet. it's just the stats. i feel like a science experiement. then she went over how we could monitor my ovulation for the future and that would help. we went over how it's genetic for me and most of my family who has experience this went on to have healthy babies. i got blood work done to check and see if i am anemic. i will be going back in about 2 weeks for  pap smear since i am still bleeding and they couldn't perform one. So i'm ok, physically. they also prescried me something to help relax and ease my anxiety. which will help me sleep. i opted out on getting sleeping pills. i would probably sleep forever and when i have to get up and count money in the mornings, that's won't work. So it's been a week. i feel like shit.. which i will due to all the hormones. headaches, fatigue, muscle soreness, fucken tit soreness. nothing like having your tits fondled when they are sore and hard. yea it sucked. So i am just going to fucus on going to school., being healthy for myself, quiting smoking, yes tony and i are going to do this together. so i don't know when it will happen. but soon! so just thank you everyone for being there for me listening ! i appreciate it soooo much! all of you had such good insight and advice for me and i took it all in! I will get through this tony has been well tony, he has been great! i just have to remember that he doesn't read minds and i have to tell him what i need sometimes. that's ok too, because he is just trying to be strong and be a man for us. he feels sad and disappointed but soo happy that we can get pregnant that's all he talks about. i just hope i can feel happier about which i will. when i am not so upset about this and i know we have a stable home and school is over.. and we can afford it. anyways, i am ok it will take time. so i am jsut taking one day at a time. that's all i can do . now i am going to go get my prescriptions and take a nap. much needed.

Mighty

Being strong is not just standing up when things go wrong. It's accepting that you are standing in the face of what is wrong. Being true to yourself about your emotions and having the courage to share it with others. This is what i am .  I am mighty.

:(

enter phase 1

well it's almost september. i have registered for school, my transcripts are in progress of evaluation, my financial aide is going through, slowly. i should find out this week or next what classes i can get into. so pray that i can get into the pre requisites that i need for nursing and not knocked into another program. pray pray pray!!! so i am totally excited to embark on this long awaited journey. so the practical nursing program is 2 years, hoping i get in after my year of prerequisites. then i will have to work a year's worth of hours to be accepted into the r n program. which will only get me an associates degree. which is totally acceptable by me. then off to get my bachleors. which is my goal by the time i am forty. i give myself leeway due to the fact the closest place to do this is seattle. so i am in a good direction, as long as my entry ends of being fabulous! and my work is totally willing to accommodate my schedule as long as i get one soon!

it's time for a cookie, bitch

Life...hasnn't been going my way.. i have been procrastinating, my fault. i am just in this stupid rut where i don't care. i just feel like to get where i want is going to take forever, i am loosing faith in it and just want to run away. the first time in my life where i can't really do that. shit... what did i get myself into. maybe i just want to run away from this for a moment. i was working a second job for a couple weeks and the lady passed away on saturday morning.. so sad she was only 52, and it made me think i could get cancer really bad and not life a full life, what have i given this life that is worthwhile. okay so me just existing doesn't count, i need to feel like a changed a life, or made a difference. i guess this all stems from being in middle school in when i thought my friends were everything and they totally ditched me and made fun of me and acted like i was stupid and retarded, i didn't talk to anyone for that whole summer.  i told my self i would never have a bunch of friends around just for the hell of it\, but to have a few real good friends i can always count on to have my back and understand me.so sometimes i don't think the people closest to me understand at all or really understand how much it really fucking sucks that i upset. my family here, they don't get it, well i don't let them in because i don't like to let people in, who would imagine that. i know i am sounding shitty, but well i just need to let it out, tony doesn't get it because he never gets depressed or upset unless it's something huge. and well i let things bottle up and then i am like this and that and i am shitty and you suck. grrrr. i am going to have a cookie.

HAPPY 53RD BIRTHDAY MOM!!! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!!

Once the realisation is accepted that even between the closet human beings infinite distances cotinue to exist, a wonderful living side -by-side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the whole against a wide sky. ( Rainer Maria Rilke)

Wednesday's gloomy...And yet the rain has stopped.

"I don't meddle with what my friend believe or reject, any more than I ask whether they are rich or poor; I love them."

This is an interesting quote by James Russell Lowell. Maybe I need to think of this more often, when conversing with my friends. Is what we believe and reject together, what brings us closer. Is it our responsibility as friends to show why their beliefs or rejections, may not be the best.  Do friends just go along loving them as their own, regardless of what they say or do. Of course, that is what friends are for. As we do for family. Do we put more pressure on our friends to be or think a certain way. If so, do our friendships suffer?

Conflicting as it may this quote seems to better justify.
" Our chief  want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. this is the service of a friend." by Emerson.
That seems for fitting for the friend who wants their friends to be the best of what they are. To progressively move ahead in life. To show them their view, on what they see. This is very profitable. It allows you to understand another view of how you are living. This to me is something i cherish with my friends. Getting a different view on complicated matters, helps in the process. That is what brings me closer. Being able to guide someone through life. It's like we should be called guides..

"Give me one friend, just one who meets
The needs of all my varying moods;
Be we in noisy city street,
or in dear Nature's solitudes.

One who can share my grief or mirth,
And know my days to praise or curse;
And rate me just for what I'm worth,
 And find me still, Oh, not so worse!

Give me one friend, for peace or war,
And I shall hold myself well, blest,
And richly compensated for,
The cussedness of all the rest. "
                Esther M. Clark

Buttons for you and buttons for me...

I decided that i should organize my sweaters in my closet... then i kept finding things, that i should get rid of. then i found a bag of really cool skirts and wraps, they don't really fit me anymore, but not getting rid of them just yet. then i found my old sewing bag.. i used to keep all of my buttons in this bag with my little sewing kit. so in it was some crafting rafia, a whole bunch of old crown royal bags, ( anybody need some, i have like ten). And this little black box that used to hold my buttons from back in high school. So i opened it, thinking yea cool more buttons( i love buttons by the way) and it wasn't buttons. It was a cross that belonged to Mike that his mom gave me, and a baggie with a lock of his hair....nope wasn't expecting that... nope didn't want to see that... nope i can't believe i had that with me in this room... nope i am not looking at it, nope i'm not smelling it either... yep i just did... yep. why. i can't do this... thinking about it... too much. and as the saying goes, some people come into yer life for a while and leave their footprints on your heart. and that's ok too. that needs to go to the mike box.. which my dad keeps for me, it shouldnt' be here. i cannot live in the same house with his hair in here. it brings back too many memories i just want to keep under the surface still. it may sound lame and stupid but it's too much. fuck i hate cleaning out my shit i always find something of him, a couple months ago it was a picture, or a drawing or something that reminds me of him. There is even a smell sometimes, don't know what it smells like, but when i smell it i just cry. now i just needed to say this, i have released my energies of him, i just have moments when i see his stuff... and then i am fine, but i don't really talk about this to people, especially tony, he doesn't get it and nor should he. so for now, i will just put it here.  in cyber memory space. so cyber memory take away my words and may i never find you again.

Grown from a seed.

Sometimes i think alot about what i want in my future the things that i will need and so on... well, today it isn't any different, but i realized that even though my life isn't what people think it should be. i love it. i love my family and friends, even when they are being untrue to themselves. i just really love that my sheets are crisp and smell good. that when i go to a movie or a play with my tony, during the loves scences he still holds my hands and tries to feel me up... ( giggle, giggle) That my two baby boys ( bruce and teddy) love me so and we can provide them with an awesome life, ( they were both rescued from abusive situations) That even though a lot of the people I love are so far away, I love them and their lives and what they have done for themselves. With all of this, it pushes me to be better in the choices I make my appointments, pay my bills ( preferably on time) and just get done what needs to be done. These inspirations are my life... And event  the simplist thing as growing plants from seeds to have them in the ground, hoping for a crop. And yet mother nature takes over and sends me a mole ( gggggrrrrr.) I absolutely full heartedly love it! yea sure I need to exercise more, eat healthier, be more positive, and look how others would feel( i have been doing more of that and my relationships with certain family folk, have been better. I went and got a pedicure with sharron, we had fun girl times, I realized i need to involve myself with her more, to make home life better, and it would make me a better person) So i am just gonna say, that sometimes, I don't always say the right thing, or know what to do. I may sometimes slip and slip on others expectations, and have a tendency to be a little harsh...but, that's me. i love me, all the times, regardless of my weird once in a while moments, and i love my peeps. So here is to the future, home, family, life I will have that is just a step up from what I have now, except I may own more things, and get to go to more places, but if it just stayed like this, i'd be happy too!

From me to you.

To whom
I have
mislead
deceived
broken
along the way.
I only hope for
forgiveness, that
I may receive.
For I am
merely human.
Unperfected
in nature.
Longing for
peace
love
tranquility
in all who
breathe.
And a
hand to
hold, along
the way.

i love texas!

so south east texas is well, not as happening as i thought. but, i love it! especially houston! i have made some amazing friends who i now call my little family in houston, even some puppy dogs. so i have a different vision of the south. i really like it! even tho, they call me a yankee, i can deal. it's pretty rought around port arthur, so the museum is something i would have to do with more than myself. it's like a warzone there. i would never go there alone. the crime and violence is just to much. especially be a white blonde girl.. not a good idea. but, it's just different here, slow and everyone is incredibly friendly, small talk all the time, definately not like washington. houston is a fabulous place, i spend a lot of time in the heights shopping and my friends live in the montrose area, which is the gay community of houston. it's awesome, cool funky shops and really good places to eat! so it's been a really good vacation by far. nothing too touristy, save that for next time. just good times with really good friends. i have learned a lot about myself. just taking pieces out and realizing that i am awesome and i have so much to offer, for just being me. it was a much needed time away from home to reflect. reflecting is good. so for find info on janis joplin other than the museum, is well not as good. i hear that beaumont is pretty cool, haven't gone yet tho. and gator country is down the road, that is not something i desire to do alone. going along a swamp looking at alligators, they will eat me. now if only i could find some vampires... just kidding! i will be home on saturday. waiting patiently until i can come back and see my beanie and sweets. i also get to meet up with my uncle today, it's been 18 years, interesting it will be, but awesome. it's my dad's brother between him and tim. he lives in houston and has a plumbing business. i just hope i can get up and see his wife and their dogs!!! i love it my peoples have dogs... awesome!!!

i am so over it, bitch!

i am so over being just this. i am so over stupidity. i am so over pictures of me, that make me realize that i look stupid and fat. i am so over saying that knowing i need to be healthier and not doing anything about it. i am so over people telling me, then do something about it, then smuggly give a giggle. i am so over  no owning a really cool handbag, know i have to wait until i have the money, i hate that. today, right now. things are stupid, i ate to much ham i want a cigarette, even though i have smoked already. i am not particularly shity about anything or just shity. i am just over life. i need this moment to get over this. i am pouring out my negativity from my head onto this page. so fuck off. i am so over it.  oh you know what else i am over, when you try to shift 1 to get an ! and you can't do it so all you get is 1. bullshit, fucken bullshit!

Here i am on my own again...going down this lonlely road.. ( wait did i just quote an 80's hair band) i am officially in line for a drink tonite.

Well, it's been a week and half with no job. i questioned my decision this morning. i could have stayed on-call, applied for the part-time job in hr. or i could have gotten a many part-time jobs within macy's. but, i would have lost all of my health insurance and the extra push to get me into school. I have been kind of anxious about the school thing. that's good. i almost didn't go to the nursing info. class yesterday. i don't know why, maybe because i am just nervous. i did fine and got a lot of info. like how it's going to be super challenging. Taking chemistry, anatomy and physiciology, pharmacology, algebra, calculus. I figured if they offered all english, writing, psych, and lectures, i would be a honor student. but, no, we have to have friggen math, physics, i can handle, chemistry, whatever. so these will be my hardest times. i will do it thou. i probably wont' finish my r.n. for about 4-5 years, just depending on the wait list. now there is a 2 year for the r.n. and a 1 year for the lpn. so it's tough out there, and the other school i choose not to go to, have a compeptive nursing program, only the top 10% get into the nursing program once a year and at btc, the allow 20 students in 3 times a year. so we'll see, i have to get my preresequites out of the way first. it's jsut like since i dont' have a job, i have been super busy. well, today maybe not, because i am in my pj's and it's ten a.m. and i'm on the computer when i am usually at work. The unemployment process is a bitch, they had to verify my id. so i don't know when my first check will come, still waiting on my vacation check, and my severence. so i have been questioning my decision to leave macy's. but i have applied at a few jobs, so who knows what lies ahead.

the beginging of the end.

Officially on saturday feburary 27, i will have my last day at macy's as a promotional coordinator. I am sad, really sad about this. I really liked this job more than i realized. The decision to leave the company is a profound one. i found that no matter how much i will  miss everyone and want to stay, leaving is the best choice. Many consideratons were made, such as, was i willing to work under people i know are way less qualified than i to do the job. i did not want to be the employee who knew all the answers, helped the people in charge and continue to have nothing to come from it. This is not a negative selfish decision. It is positive, becasue i have put 100% into this job. i am perfect at it. It's just not what i am destined to do for the rest of my life. I have to write out my duties, broken down into daily,weekly, and monthly duties. This is for the manager in charge and the new lead taking my place( whom i have grown really close to, which makes it really hard). So far I have about 6 pages, just because i will only be given about 3 hours to update her on the computer and all the manuals( we have 4 just for the sign team). I would love to continue working for macy's if i was given the opportunity of a better position. I may go back if a position opens and it deems appropriate for my needs with school and another job, if i find one soon. I will be receiving my vacation time, a severence package, and 3 months of fully paid health insurance from the company. Their is a going away party planned, i know i will cry the whole time. it's been really hard for me. The decision to leave when you know something could be made to work out in the end. But also knowing this is what is best for all parties( tasha i am sure you know what i am talking about). I have been crying a lot, tired, just plain depressed about it. A lot of crying happens at work among my mangers and fellow employees. Nobody wants me to leave and nobody can believe that i am leaving. So I am just gong to prepare everyone for the busiest and most stressful job(besides being a manger) on the start team. Nobody really wants my job, but the girl has no choice or she would be out of a job. Man, this shit just plains sucks. The postive note, i will be going to school in the fall, starting a nursing program. Going to recertify for my cna license in april. Probably find a job working as a cna, or whatever clerical work i could find. WE will be find, I will be fine. i am amazing, courageous, powerful, and intelligent. I will make an excellent nure and will make it through school with amazing skill and determination. This is what i need to push me in the direction that i was meant to do. That's all. You can never ever make it to the top, fairly and effectively, without starting somewhere, may it be the bottom of the hill or a long tretcherous trip over a cascading mountain rage. There is always and end and a beginging. And for the first time in my life, i am leaving a job, gracefully, positively, and outstanding!!!

i have a frog in my throat, bitch. wait, let me throw it up on you.

So i have the choice to take a severence package and my vacation and leave the company of macy's. or stay, be terminated for 7 days, return as a new hire and work on call is either the processing, placing or sale dept. I no longer have my job as a lead promotional coordinator after the 6 of march. it was a very hard day today. they let me leave early with a full day's pay. i broke down in the office. i believe that everything i ahve been holding in emotionally for years came out along with 3 bottles of wine today. it was shitty. and i have to work tomorrow. so i will get more answer and have a meeting and go over my possibilities. i have a list my good friend sabrina help me make our, questions to ask. she is a human resources rep, so she is on the up and up. i will continue, with my schooling starting in the summer, and get into the radilogy program and bellingham technical college. this is my plan, i will continue. it will be okay. right now, i have to let it out, settle a bit. and prepare. it's hard, harder than i imagined. i am an emotional disaster. i have to  to get up again. my moments of self pity and despair will subside.

My own worst enemy...

So last week we were notified at work that their would be some setbacks to macy's inc. we may be loosing hours, people, who knows. especially the teams i work on. none of us no if we will have a job in a couple of weeks. it's scary and it doesn't help that this happened after tony's deal. i know i can get another job. i planned on it after kristen got here, like working at a coffee stand for an extra 20 hours a week. i only work 30 now, and i ;m off at 1 everyday, so it will be perfect for school. but i guess i am not prepared to loose my health benefits. so i need to see all of my doctors in the next couple of weeks, go to my appt for paper signing of documents, file that this week. so much stuff going on. but it's stuff that needs to be done to start this new path. i can feel it, like this gigantic wave of newness. i'm a little scared and really nervouse. but, they say when you are afraid, march on. fear is only a feeling. fear will push me through and make me stronger. i don't need to find myself, i need to share myself with others. share all of my great abilities, live life to the fullest. be everything that i am. ERIN! It will be fine and i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and being depressed about everything.

Let's knock them walls down...

With new ideas comes new paths to follow. With new paths comes new changes. New changes brings new compromises. New compromises bring new challenges.
 With so many new challenges coming my way. i don't know what it's going to mean to us.  With new paths being generated with the latest events, will this bring us closer together( which i am hoping for) or will it pull us apart as we try to make our paths relevent in this world. I would never wish in a million years for tony and i to not be together. In my head I do always have it in the back of my head, well what if. Which i am sure everybody has. i just want to prepare myself for me. But i am just wondering will the me me me which we need to go through turn into me, myself, and I? Now being along has never ever been something i have had to really deal with. LITERALLY! Sometimes I sense myself pulling away from him, because of our situation at home. I just want it to be him and I. Doing this together, but other people like to be in the middle of everything and i just do not like that. So i guess what i am saying is can we make it through the next 3 years, and move away from this. That is our goal, to have the toyota paid off, all debts paid off, credit built up, our education done and ready for a new begining. so with my legalities taken place soon, hopefully it will be finalized by this summer! We still do not plan on getting married until after school, you know seperate finances equal better opportunities for schooling. i just hate having to reinforce our goals all the time. Not always knowing what he wants in the end... it bugs me. it's like i want to write out a contract and say this is what we are going for do you agree. i guess that's what marriage is for, eh?
 Sometimes i just want to be educated, healthier, and away from here, NOW! But, then i know i would miss so much of my life, i have built! But, did i really build it or did the walls go up around me and i suddenly looked and was like, shit how do i get out of here? The answer: go to school, be your own person! This is what i am doing, I just hope i have enough power(bulldozer) to knock down the walls!

Gee wilikers, martha, it's gonna be a great year!

So it is a new year.. i have set my goals... and low and behold i have managed to follow through with them.. as of wednesday of this week, i will be sitting down and finally getting some much needed papers signed and filed. soon i will be free... then i can get into fall quarter with being miss erin cadden, again. probably not spring due to the time it takes to file. then i will be able to grants and stuff and not just loans for my new journey of going to school. yes folks, erin is going to be going to massage school. i am finally doing it after what 11 years. it will be amazing just 2 years and i can have my license, work at an office, going to people's homes, be my own boss. With the flexible hours of going to school at nite and my job at macy's only be 6 hours  a day, i can do it! 
 Also, if you haven't heard about mine and tony's situation, well he is going monday to sign up for school to be a x-ray technician/ultrasound tech. which is really amazing to me. because he will be out of the field he was in and doing something worthwhile, that will support us in the rest of our journey. so we are doing this together, moving forward with new adventures and putting all that bad negative shit behind. no worries, we can make our payments for our cars with my pay and tony will get full unemployment and he will also be getting health insurance through them. it's all falling into place. for some reason i feel ok, relaxed not anxious anymore. knowing that we are following our paths. our own fate is in our hands and we as a couple are finally being the drivers in our lives, not the passengers. just so excited for all of this! yea for 2010 and being CENTERED!

a new and better week...

I have to be at work at 8:45 tonite and work until 4:15.. don't know how i will manage. it seems forever and then i have to go back to work tomorrow at 3 until 7 and then wednesday at 6:30 in the morning... I really dislike inventory and it's hours! but, i will manage. But i did have a great day on saturday with jerei and jean. the bodies exhibit was pretty interesting, not as big as it was a couple of years ago.. good educational fun. then we went to a english pub and jean and i had black and tans, can you believe a old german lady never having this.. silly lady. So i am just getting back into the groove of things, it was hard to adjust back to reality.  i jsut want to travel and visit people forever.. screw this working shit.. Or at least have a better paying job, with better time off. Someday, i will have my own business, and then well maybe. But, in a couple of months i will have kristen to torment and groove around with, so that will be so fun! I have an idea of what to do to fill up the time. Really want to go to forks, but it's an eight hours drive and we would have to be gone for like 2 days just to get it in, because i don't know who well i would do driving at nite all the way around the olympics and over the sounds. just haven't done it but, it could be an adventure. well see. hope more people can come and visit soon! i am also enjoy my new wii resort, my favorite, is basketball, table tennis, and cycling, it really makes you work out, next purchase will have to be the wii fit plus! so off to work soon, blah blah blah don't want to. and it got up to 60 today, cloudy and windy, so it will be warm at work. then with everyone there all the bright lights, ick.

2010

so it's a new year...2010.. a new decade... time to center myself.. set my goals... and fullfill them... with utmost importance! to be myself, accept myself bring out the best in myself..