i miss me tony...

so i have never officially had tony away from me, i have been away from tony. it's weird, i am bored, lonley a little depressed. like what the fuck is this shit. when did i need a man so bad in my life, that i can't find anything to do because i miss him. well fuck that shit, it's stupid, and i wish that it will never go away. i have talked to tony everysingle day since we have been together, every day. if i don't well, it's weird, it's not like we are codependent weird crappy shit, it's just that i have found a really good friend in somebody that i love and when this previous crappy shit is over, well i may just find a really good friend in my real husband, now wouldn't that be weird, so ok i won't jinx myself, now. i just miss him and he is busy doing things with his family down there so i won't bug him with my trivial bouts of separation depression crappy poo. i just miss the cuddles, tinkling, kissing, poking, being silly and having someone to just be there and hold my hand, even thought he spends most of his time with his nose in a book, i love that smelly fucken bastard, i really do, and now i can officially say that it sux that he went on vacaation without me, the dogs really miss him, too. we just need him in our lives, thats all. we miss our tony bologne.

it's almost february

so along with trying to stay healthy and eat less, exercise more. i have made some progress i am doing really well i have had some indulgences on friday, i had a snickers bar. oh well it's okay all my main meals and snacks are good and good for me. i did drink a few sodas, but it's definately not a daily thing. so tony got results back and his cholesterol, bp, and blood sugar are down by half due to his strict diet, he doesn't snack because his medicine makes him go potty all the time and he isn't really hungry. well good for him, he lots 8 pounds, fuck that shit, it will take me a month to do that, and he did it ina week. asshole. oh and they laid him off 2 weeks before his new job, which means we have to live on my paycheck for a month oh and he is going to cali with his dad on for 5 days to look at some property for them, i am staying back with his mom. it's my 3 day weekend, what am i going to do, oh well, it's good for him to go and spend time with family. well be okay,only after i have a psycho episode due to the visit to aunt flo, wait did i mention that he only told me this sunday nite, yea awesome. i am just pissy, ya know it will work out and be fine, our goal is to be moved out by august, that is if they don't strike, so well see. oh and i can file for a this divorce, put it in the paper and if no reply in 90 days, they will automatically give it to me, so that means only 5 bucks for paper work, i will do it myself and my goal of having it done by the end of this year looks like it will be accomplished, so on friday i am going down to the court house to find out about this info. i will keep you updated. oh i saw pinneapple express, you should definately check it out

21 days....

IT ONLY TAKES 21 DAYS TO FORM A NEW HABIT!!!!

This is what i tell my self as i am entering my new phase of being healthy. it has been about 2 weeks and i have been eating really super healthy,especially since tony is too, that helps. but, i remind myself that the healthy things that i eat are going to help me in the long run, i want to be healthy and full of energy, i don not want to be super skinny, a size 10 in the end would be fabulous and if i only make it to a sized 14 by the time i come out in june, well that is just what i intend on. i want to be the the super fabulous erin who can wear an awesome bathing suit to hawaii, fit into a decent wedding dresss, someday, and wear shorts again. and be on a regular routine of exercising and eating healthy so i never have to feel this bad about myself or when i do decide to have children, to be healty for that too, yes the smoking will end someday. one thing at a time, hello.but, for now i really do love myself, i just need to love myself in the mirror all the time. thanks girls for all the support and understanding.

battle of the bulge

Low and behold, tony went to the doctor,well more like his physical for his new job. everything was find until he found out his tryglycerites are high, which means that he is borderline diabetic. so tomorrow he has a doctors appoitment to check up on it, because he has to get it under control before he starts working there. and boy is he disciplined, if that was all that had to be done, shit i should have pushed him harder years ago. well it's like it was meant to be awesome jobs, healthier lifestyle, moving out of parents soon,i hope! things are just getting better for tony and i. But the best part is that he is eating really super healthy, 3 carbs a day, low fat everything, even butter. and no extra sugars, he actually reads labels now, and he thought i was crazy all this time. it's nice to have someone eat plain non fat yogurt and granola with, he even takes it too work, and i think the guys make fun of him, but he doesn't care, because he has like 10 days left in the hellhole. going out to dinner, still hard, but with the support of each other, it worked out, too much bread, we ate, but all we have to do is nudge each other and remind ourselves , do we really need this?

support is all i ask for...

As someone is has been over 200 pounds for for than half her life, i say that it is a differnce that someone who has not. I get depressed looking at picture and seeing how big i am compared to others, even my friends. i think about how i can't share my clothes with most of them because i am bigger. What gets me is that you don't see it you want to change it, yet you get lazy or unfocused. Now i am eating healthier, trying to anyways and plan on starting a new exercise program, for the rest of my life, not just temporary, but to be healthy and happy for a long time. i guess i feel upset when people tell me that if they were that big omg, they would be so depressed, that somehow being fat is like being an untouchable, what you aren't worthy anymore, am i not worthy. I try not to care what people think because i know i am beautiful and lots of people love me. It's the loving of my self, that gets me. And when close friends suggest i need to do something before i have a coronary or i need counseling( you know who you are) i try not to be offended because i know you are just trying to help. But sometimes i just need someone to listen and just be there, not judge me or critisize my lack of ambition or tell me how their diets worked and how my isn't what they think is correct. So listen up i have been a really big girl most of my life i do have a eating disorder and i do need help, most of you haven't been big all your life, may have struggled with you ups and downs, but do not know what it is like to be FAT. so what i am trying to say is that I and possibly other peeps, need your support in getting healthy. Please think before you comment on weight, it hurts. And if i didn't tell you this is person, well it's because i probably would have flipped out and caused issues and i don't want that. i just want all of my friends to know that I am getting help and will be struggling for a while.SUPPORT, that's what i need. I will try not to sarcastically put down the skinny people, after all you are people as well. and what may work for you is not necessarily going to work for me. Thanks and i love you all.

new job!

Officially yesterday tony is a operator for shell refinery. he starts on feb 2. The best parts: paid vacation, 2 after 1st year, 1 every year after that, up to 10 a year. possibility of buying vacation, returned if you do not use it. 401k, pension plan, paid sick time. awesome insurance, he actually has to get a physical, i have been getting after him forever for this! and 25 dollars and hour! woo-hoo, possibility of us moving out of the rents, for good!!! so horray for tony and his hard work and dedication for applying the past 2 years! yeayeayea!!!

The blankets have been my best friend...

What am i to belive what is who i am to be. I look at myself everyday and i just want to love it more. I don't want to say i can't, i just don't. What is it that is causing me to hate myself. They way i look, constantly misjudging and questioning my actions, so worried about that i do right, or how i am in this world. I am not going anywhere. Not accomplishing anything. i need a process of getting out of this rut. My rut i dug myself. If i have some goals and something to follow and look forward to. I really need to bring out the good in myself. it's just so hard when i am so comfortable. Comfortable with being just the big girl who is silly who had a hard life and is comfortable with a loving man and goes to work has 2 dogs and does the same fucking thing everyday, if not that means doing something else someone wants to do. Even if i wanted to do something i can't make up my mind about it and i just wan to lie in bed and sleep. i fucking hate the holidays, i have decided they piss me off and i miss too many people. what the hell is wrong with me, i don't think i have been this depressed well since, won't go there. but i am recognizing it, maybe that's what the deal is. my back is starting to hurt again, and i am pissy. So tomorrow is the first day in being healthy:eating better and exercising. That's all i need, i know i can fix this, it's jsut the bottom before you can climb back up that is so hard. it's so hard to pull yourself up the rope and rise to the top, again. Not really knowing how it looks. I will be more successful, healthy, happy and prosperous. I need balance in my head, it's off again. i want to be able to look into the mirror and love my self. love my body, be happy that i am a woman, a beautiful woman. i will get there i know i will.