new year.. see you in like 10 minutes!

I'm crazy insanely busy at work. I feel alive, overwhelmed, new, confident, stressed, and did i mention crazy. I may have an opportunity for a management position at a different macy's. It is south of seattle, in a bigger mall, bigger store, more responsibility. But, i need a full time job with benefits, executive position in this company is the only way to go. I am going for it. It's either i get it or i don't. This upcoming 2 weeks will be crazy. inventory, i am in charge of teaching the classes. Did i mention i have no idea what i am doing. So i am reading all weekend for this. oh and did i metion that my first class is monday. Craziness. I will be fine i always am. I can do this. Sorry if i haven't been contacting anyone. Don't have time. The only way is maybe a moment of social networking. My only chance to know what everyone is doing. I spend all day with people, retail, or my desk constantly fixing schedules, budgets, etc.   crazy but i fucking love it. love you all and everything you plan for this new year.

I want a pony for christmas santa!

It has been an emotional week for me. Our financial issue have caused me to be a psycho nagging bitch. Which if someone would just stand up and do their part, i wouldn't have to be. Besides that my work is insane. Managing an office for a retail store. It's totally insane. So it's like i am an administrative assitant to the store manager, which i am in charge of the cash office, secretary to every little thing that happens. So i have to not only please human resources and be their secretary i have to please operations and ensure that everyone is doing their part so i can enter and keep track of everything. So every meeting they have, i enter into the computer and keep track of the progress of safety, the budget, schedules, etc. It's insane and i certainly am not getting paid enough for this responsibility. I love the experience and how it will look on my resume and hopefully help me move up in the company, if the opportunities arise.
also, i was visited by my aunt flo for the first time since i lost the baby. To be honest i was a little heartbroken and relieved at the same time. Heartbroken that i am not pregant( we aren't trying). And relieved that my body is starting to function somewhat properly. also a little scared because what if it happens again.
I had this dream the other night that i had a baby girl. We had to leave her in the hospital longer than i could stay. I couldn't go pick her up, so i made tony do it. Because i didn't want to. Then he brought her back and he was so excited and happy. When i went to hold her i didn't feel a connection, almost like she didn't belong to me, and i didn't want to have anything to do with her. at one point in the dream i left her on the bed, to go to the bathroom. When i came back she was gone and all i could hear was her crying. i eventually found her under the bed. i was upset that i would be blamed for her beign hurt. that's all. I felt the emotions more in this dream than i ever had. I just had not connection and wanted nothing to do with her. But, tony was just beside himself.
This stuff is so emotionally disturbing to me. It's everywhere. People with babies. People pregnant, toy babies in the stores. Babies on tv. ahhhhhh... it's so much and then the holiday season and you know people that aren't here, like my mom. i feel like i am going to cry at everything. i mean just putting ornaments on the tree last night, and all i wanted to do was cry, because i could be having a baby, and i wasn't, and my mom wasn't here and we will be opening presents and no baby. 
I just need to calm down, this is what happens when i get days off , i think. no more. i am done.