i'm staying

first of all i would like to thank all who listend to me rant and rave about my indecisivness. thank you girls so much for the imput and advice, i take it all very seriously. so, i am staying on start team as a signer. for the fact that my schedule for this fall will be pretty intentse, this is my main goal, so my supporting goals, should be less stressful and less intense. and i think being a serious commision based sales associate, would not be my forte as this time. possibly in the fall i can do it on the weekends, as a divisonal, where i wouldn't have the goals of commision or whatever they require. plus as i was looking at the requirement for the nursing program, i noticed that i need to get my cna license. i had let it slip because of my back. so this summer i am going to retake the classes and my clinicals, so by the time the requirement in 2009 is up, i will be prepared and ready. so that will require me to be employed at least part time while i take the classes and obviously for my clinicals, so that will be added income and i can work around my schedule at macy's for that as well. so i made my decision and let my supervisor and the i.a. manager know the deal. i feel confident in it and happy, disappointed that i didn't look into it further before i pursued it, lesson learned. and well, you always should learn something new everyday. good riddance.

can't handle it.

if i weren't such an indecisive person i would be getting what i want. but, i just don't know what to do, i want the new position really bad, think i could handle it well. but, no one on my start team wants me to go, even the store manager, they need my leadership and hardwork and they trust me to help the others get things right, they would would rather me stay on start team. but, it's all up to me, what i need to do for myself. they are even willing to give me more hours, and they can work around my work schedule more if i stay on start team. wtf. i feel so torn and stressed, that i gave myself a friggen stupid panic attack at work today and i had to leave, i couldn't breathe i wouldn't to throw up, and everyone was pissing me off, i just had to leave and cry, because i can't fucking decide what i should fucking do, like what the hell, it's just a stupid fucking job, that everyone thinks i should do except for my supervisor, of course, i should stay, more hours, flexible school schedule, ;perfect, except for just wanting to try something different, look pretty and make some extra money, just doing something fun. well, i don't know, tony isn't helping, because he thinks i would be a great sales associate, wtf does he know, i hate people and shit and poo and grrrrrrrr i just want to run around crazy in my head and fly away,i can't concentrate or breathe correctly, because both stupid positons would be great, all i have to do is just say yes, but something is holding me back, why, why why.ok i can do this, i told my sup. i would have a decison by tomorow morning, so i just need to do this, maybe it's my fear of being center of attention, i don't like that too much. and the selling part, if it wasn't for commision, i think i would be better at it, ya know. i can see my self doing it, but when i think of other people watching me do it, i freak,because i am a fuckine chicken shit bitch. ok well i;m not, i am just being negative. ok i will just take a breath and come back with another draft of positve words and pros and cons of this, i just need more time to think.

further ahead that i thought...

well, ladies, i may just be a certifed bra fitter in the coming weeks, that is if i can convince my current manager, why i should leave the start team. right now i am the lead signer, which to my standings is good, i always seem to be in the top which i can hold really well. i just need to be challenged and needed. and in my department, their is no need, just technical ability and repetiveness. which i can handle, perform well, and achieve. i just need to be closer to the clothes, i love fashion so friggen much, that i just see with this positon getting closer to that dream. if i could actually be anything in the world right now, it would be a fahion designer or stylist or boutique owner, kind of like a betsey johnson thing, but less intense, and more like me. i know i could do it, i just need the education, know the right people and the drive. so for now i am striving for the sales associate of the intimate apparrel department at macy's west in burlington, wa, at the cascade mall. i know i will do well, because i have to do well in everything i do, i am just better off being a manager, because i love to tell people how to do things just right, actually i am a pro and delegating. much until i am totally satisfied i am goign to continue on my path of nursing, with a side of fahion, oh and i will know by thursday if i get the job. my interview was awesome, i looked great, felt great, i will get it. that's all.

new position?

Today has been a really frustrating, only because i made it that way, but the one thing that came out of it was, i am applying for a new position. i have decided to apply for the sales associate position in the intimate apparel department at macy's west in burlington, it kind of sounds professional that way. i am considering this because i need a new change of pace, better hours to suit my college education and another reason to buy new clothes and look pretty every day and continute my discount, plus i would receive commision and other cool benefits, go to vendor fairs. their is actually a training course to be a specialist bra fitter, how exciting. well, the ladies that work in that department have been bugging me about it for a couple of days so i spoke with the manager, got the application and i am going in on friday to talk to her and have a interview. i have put aside the fact of having to leave the start team, when we are already down 1 girl and that sarah wants to leave, but this is my life, my time and i need a challenge. i am nervous and unsure of how well i will do. that means i should go for because what's the worst that could happen? nothing. i only work a max of 29 hours, in that dept, but i can pick them up in other dept. so i am going for it and not applying for the chef assistant position and the thai restaurant, that sarah thinks i should do so we can still work together, i don't really want to work in a kitched right now. it would be hot and stressful and i don't want to, i would rather stay at macy's and keep my benefits, so i will keep you posted on the outcomings, but i am really excited! wish me luck and some prayers, thanks. i love you all!

i feel the water running over my hand.. leading me to my light.

I have decided that i am going to pursue the career of a nurse. i have been thinking about it for years and i really need to go thorugh with this, if i am going to get anywhere in my life, i have just been floating. i hate floating.actually, i rather be in charge of where i go along this river we call life. i am the captain of my own destination. i possess the navigational tools to lead a successful cruise. i will find my destination, pick up those along the way who may guide me along this, it will never end, just as the water moving never ends.

understandings of the life of you...

Welcome to my blog... you have reached the highest possible connection in which to possess powers within. please do not depart from this page, it is not a test. it is a true and positive force within us all... noted from the pages of eternal happiness and peace for all mankind.

goals... at which i need to be consistent and disciplined!

Today i realized that i really need to make some major adjustments in my life. if i ever plan on getting ahead to be the person that i know i am capable of being.

1. save my money( i will shop less for unescesary items. which includes, clothes, bags, make-up)ing frugal, is what i will aim for.

2. be confident in myself, i can achieve anything i put my mind to.

3. go to school( nursing school is my goal, it is a career which is stable, needed, openly availble, no matter where i choose to live, self fullfilling by helping otheres, and a comfortable nest egg) which everyone needs.

4. release past conflicts, which need to cease due to present situations.

5. find friends who are trustworthy, good, wholesome, happy, postive and fun. surround myself with these person, in order to have a sound and soughtful life full of friends who love me and i love them, they last longer that way. love the ones that i have and nourish and keep together with the ones that i have.

6. de clutter my mess. get rid of build up of material junk clutterin my head and life. letting go of these things, will push me forward into a clear focused life of love and peace with in myself.

7. be happy.. to not get upset or pissy at the small things. simply breath, close my eyes and think of why i am upset and how i can avoid the anger i build up inside. there is a reason for all things. and if it needs to be done, just do it. express the feelings why i do not want to do it or disagree with the situation. stand up for my beliefs and reasoning. NO MATTER WHAT!besides the possibility of violence, abuse, or anything hurtful to otheres or myself( that is a given)

8. procrastination not being an option. learn how to get things done, on time and in a good, healthy manner, this will lead to less stress and anxiety for all.

9. love myself. i am all that i have, and if i cannot do this, who can i love. i am beautiful, smart, trusting, happy, loving, funny and reasonable. i can maintain peace within myself.

10. be healthy. learn to eat healthier, less consumption, exercise regulary. becareful not to upset my back issues.

these are some simple yet very profound goals that i am focusing on. i am going to change my life for the better. i need to do this so i can live my life how i want to, not by others. peace love and happiness

once again.. in the life of.. me...

So i think i need to get away from the sappy emotions i have been having for a while. and let's get into some good ones. well, for starters i went camping this weekend up at baker lake. we went from friday to saturday, because well, we like our time alone at home, we have kind of formed a niche. we enjoy being along together in the house, without anyone around, i believe, more than anything. we get invited to go places and do things and we are just like, well no. i guess we are old boring folks. but, it just suits us right now. but, we had fun camping, ya know smores, fishing, walking, being in nature, chasing bruce in the middle of the night in the campground, because he thinks he needs to sniff everything. i was freaked out some scary animal would come out and eat us, so i chased him around with the lantern. which including was freakin' cold as hell would be. so we had fun. then we went home and i napped for like 4 hours and just hung out together. we just like to be... i have started getting into reading at least 1 book a week. everyone should read Loving Frank. it's about the love affair between mamah cheney and frank llyod wright. a truly inspiring and moving true story. the struggles women have with their lives to choose how they want to live and love. to give up the normalcy of life in the early 1900;s which i belive we still have some in us. to leaving family, children and everything you know behind to fullfill your needs, wants, aspirations, and knowledge of the world and to be with the one you truly love. the struggle to find the peace with it all. so it really inspired my love for reading, again. the feeling of just waning to find myself and enjoy what is around me and just find me. so it's a must read. let's see, what else. not much. working, not as many hours as i want, cooking, and that's all pretty normal.

DESPERADO

I don't what it is, but i have desperately been wanting my mom near me. it's all i can think about and everytime i do something it's all i compare things to, like how she used to do this and what she would say. so i put up this video, because it is her favorite song! everytime i hear it, i just sob, knowing that it totally defines part of her life and is so relative to her situation. if she would just have let someone really love her. well, it could be so different. but, it never will be. so i have just been missing her. wish she would just call and say " erin, no matter how bad it gets, it can only get better" she always said that to me. man, why didn't she follow that? i just love her so much and want her here to see who i am and what i will be, doesn't everyone want that? but i am being selfish and i personally just need to let go. or maybe this is going to lead up to when i can finally forgive my mother and be at peace with her abrupt departure from us. i will get here i try everyday. so when you listen to this song, just picture my mom in her apartment, windows open, the breeze blowing throw the curtains, and her cleaning around her place and just singin the hell our of this song. god, i miss that so much, you know the way she just loved me or as much as she could. it just fucking sucks so much that one person could be so inspiring for all the downfalls they endured, amazing actually. because i have always grown up not wanting to be like her. but now, truthfully i would love to be the wonderful, loving, open-minded, fun person that my mom was. funny how life takes you and that drops you. i just wish when i drop it wouldn't hurt so bad, i guess i need some more padding, ya know.

i hold hands with a ghost...

When i think of times i had you at my side, i sigh. knowing you were just there, satisfied me so. i can't recall the your scent or even your voice. i do know your face and how you would always comfort my pains. to a time all i wanted to say to you was a yelling threat of words, trailed by resentedment, pain, and the promises you never kept. these are things i throw back in my head at night as i cry. to know i had you,whenever i would call. Just the thought of your exit, inflicts pain, unimaginable by the naked eye. i ask forgiveness, for i fear i can't forgive you. if only i could let go, just once and be centered that i had you for a reason and that time is only a fragment of reality. then i could rejoice, knowing when i go home you will be thre, at my side with the smell of your skin and the throbbing hum of your voice as i go to sleep. but to stop and be happy with my memories, is the hardest task,that I endure. I keep it with me all the time, wishing i could just empty my pocket and throw it all away. but, you as well as i, know throwing things away,only leaves us empty. I don't want to throw you away, just push the pain aside. I am just afraid that when i do, i will have to stop holding hands with you.

i don't have a title for this...

so this has been a couple of hard weeks for me and my family. we have dealt with a close friends, death, wrongful death at the hospital, she was only 39 with 3 kids, awesome house, tons of money, lots of friends, family, the whole shebang. now she's gone. the funeral was really emotional for me, it reminded me of my mom and mike and tony's grandma and everyone else i have lost indirrectly or not. i cried a lot, more than i was expecting. i felt embarrased because i was crying for her kids and how we as a family were going to miss her, especially tony's mom, they were best friends. so it made me realize. life is so short. thinking about maybe doing something, but never putting foot upon our goals, because we are too damn comfortable with what we do in our routines, to change. how pathetic. really, i have been lately, i have a job that i love going to every morning. even though it pays shitty, and the hours are bad. i have a great family system and support at home, even though it drives me crazy. my dad and sister are alive and like everyone else struggling to make it, but that's how they roll. my cars all work, i eat well, smoke, sometimes have an occasional drinky for relaxation. i mean i am so damn comfortable i am totally afraid to move on and take the risk and fear of paying my bills, working more than i want to , not wasting my money and doing all my extra time in for others, well, as we have all been blogging about what we should do and why life sucks. maybe we need to sit back and realize , it doesn't if i was in irag or thailand as a prostitue or being raped everyday in the work fields, or having to beg for food, not having anyone at all or living in my own hell of dependency on drugs, booze, men and abuse, then i would profoundly be worrying how to kill my self or someone else to survive. so that's not me or any of us. we have it so good, yet we pity ourselves into thinking we can't do it. well, if one of those unfortunate people in really bad circumstances, can make it out, go to school, have jobs and take care of kids, because they have no other choice. well, i have no other choice, but to be the best i can be. that's all their is to it. and if in the end i spent years in college have no clue, what to do with my degree or skill, well i keep going on, because if i don't i could be one of those unfrotunate souls. i don't want that for me or any of us. so i am giving my self a goal. i am signing up for some sort of schooling for the fall. then i will work another job this summer, to save up and tony and i will be in a place, definately okay, i don't have a goal on that, but, this is personal. and i know i can make the school thing for this fall.

eyeliner

so i guess i should blog according to kristen or the monkey will be after me? whatever i am the monkey and i cannot go after myself, or can i. or is the monkey really something else. ahhh who knows. so i am currently trying to get my anti spyware program to work and it's fucken retarded, i think i totally deleted everything when i went to uninstall it so i could register and reactivate it. whatever, whoever designed this, is fucken pissing me off. so i am waiting for a new reactivation code and stuff so i spent $50 on this crap. also, tony has a bad tooth and the flu this week, so we went to the er on tues. he got antibiotics and some pain meds and he goes to the dentist on tues, for x-rays and for them to check it out before they pull his teeth out and fix the cavities. men, they need to see doctors more often, so i have decided that when he needs to go i am just going to make the appt. myself, so there he can't fight that one.i went shopping with jean today and that was super fun, she should get the results of her mri and other mammogram next week, hopefully on monday. so then we could possibly find out what is going on so she can get her biopsy done, and figure what to do from there! oh and tony actually went out with the guys from work for beers. it's about time. he never goes anywhere to do that, or hang out with anyone else, really. unless, his friends get time off from their kids and they all live further away, so that doesn't happen very often. so i am just chillin and eating swedish rye cracker with mushroom swiss spread and veggie dip i made, and an orange soda, not so healthy but, it's soothing me because i am stressed out about the computer. alicia is sick, too and i hope she finally realizes how much medicine really can be good for her and that she gets better, so there, she can be so stubborn at times. that's ok, i am difficult and don't like people to tell me i am wrong or need to do something, so we all have our weaknesses, with usually stem from being stubborn. so kristen now that i have blogged are you actually going to call me sometime or what. so that's it and i need a cigarette and yes i love them. oh and the eyeliner thing, i have finally discovered black eyeliner, use it correctly and i look fucken hot, i should take a picture tomorrow and put new pictures up, so look for them this weekend. my sister's can rose, which is suppossed to be mine, had 4 babies, a black, grey, grey tabby, and tan tabby, almost like lilly, i am taking pictures on sunday, so look for those next week. i am done, my hand hurts and i need to conversate with some one . who should i call, or who will actually answer?

Where have all the raimbows gone?

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So this is for the fact that sometimes i totally feel like just running away from my life. i start to feel it all caving in, like everything is just nothing, my life isn't what i want it to be and i'm just not happy with what it's become. I go through these moods, then come on i can't control them. i totally try everything to stop them.i have no motivation to go and work out or do anything out of my comfort. and i think that's my problem,just doing what i need to do and not worry about what might happen or what others think. but these moods, lately they are repetitive and i get in a funk and it drains me. i feel lonely, lost, our of place, and out of body. i don't know who i am and i just want to run away and leave all of this behind because i feel wasted and useless. so i just wanted to talk about that, then i remember that people are dying to just have somewhere to live a little bit of money ane some foods to eat. i am lucky i have great friends, life and all thatjazz. it's up to me to make it worthwhile and better and do things to improve them.

it's an upsidey weird thingy!

so the news is that my friend hasn't had her surgery yet, her arteries and veins were so coroted and her heart was in such bad condition that she couldn't even have a biopsy, so they are suppossed to do that either today or tuesday, then she will let me know, they really don't even know what it is, they think it's cancer, but it looks so weird, that they are having specialists from seattle come up this week. i just pray she will make it through this. and that this can be the end to her suffering, like jerei said, she does need new karma! would could she have possibly done to deserve this and she doesn need to rethink her brain. so if everyone could possibly put some prayers in for her, it would mean so much to me and jerei! so that is the news.

too close to home!

Something came to my attention, that i have never had to deal with personally. Something that i always heard others have or taken care of but, i thought i have finally gone through enough, then it hits. My good friend jean, has come down with breast cancer, She has to have both of them removed on friday, It has currently also gone to her lymph nodes. so the doctors don't think it is very good, and that she possibly couldn't be looking at a terminal cancer situation. all with in a week, to find out,get tests, surgery, recover, then possibly not make it! I don't think she has realized it or accepted and i know i haven't either. it is just so much. since she doesn't really have anyone, i am going to go with her on friday, and she will be in mt. vernon at their cancer center, so i will only be 10 minutes away. hopefully she can get a hole of jerei soon, so maybe he can come up and support her and keep me company. i just don't think i am ready to loose her, i have come to know her as a friend, mother, and even though we haven't really been that close in the last couple of years, i just don't know if i can handle it. i know i can but, i don't want to. this record of loosing someone close every 2 years, well, it might keep on track. i doh't like it, but they happen, it's like you can feel it, gosh that's horrible, i couldn't imagine, not having her to talk to ,yea know, and not even close to imagine how she must feel, she has alreay gone through so much in her life, she deserves, to have it good, once ya know and be relaxed. i just hope the tests come out better than she thinks and it will all be over soon and she can get on with her life. i love her like a mom and feel like being selfish, ya know. okay i will keep you updated and maybe i should just call jerei myself and have him call her!

recycling!!!

So i am giving your some useful information into saving the environment and getting free products! From March 10-May 10 you can recycle any used bottle caps( they do not recycle, did not know that) through any aveda store or through the mail. i got this information from SHAPE MAGAZINE. I went to the site shape.com/aveda, but it does not exist so i wrote to the magazine. hopefully we can get the information of the details for this event. it would be really exciting to be able to save these items form going into landfills and destroying lives of baby animals who swallow these materials and end up dying of malnutrion. how horrible is that, i couldn't believe that people wouldn't recycle this and why is this stuff ending up in our oceans and other bodies of water. so i think it would be so beneficial to be part of this process, and get a free product from the company. so i will let you know on the details if i get any. Go green not mean!

yea !!!! i am groovy!

so i officially have a new phone! still so excited about it! my first phone all by myself, well sort of, whatever, it's mine. and it's the perfect plan and i am sure i have let everyone else know so yea call me i love it! until i actually have to pay the bill. but, i will be responsible and do it myself , thank you very much. so it is way cute and red and really cute! can't you just hear me say that like really fast, i know you can. anyways, i am tired my eyes hurt and i am going out for a smokie and some coffee,then a asprin and then dinner. yea yea yea! phone for erin

phone

so i just want to let everyone know that my phone has been suspeneded. so you can reach me at tony's number. if you don't know it, call alicia and get it from her. so i am going phone shopping with my sister for a new cell phone. so wish us luck.

crazy times, crazy times!

so as wonderful as i looked and felt this morning, it didnt'turn out as well as i planned it to. first of all i had to prep for a sale today, it was so awesome, i was almost done, totally confident that this was the best prep i have ever done, so much more confident in exactly where things were. then it hit, we had to set it as well. which was really frustrating because one of my sections only came down for today, so i had to put it back up, not very good time management! i was upset for a while, then realized it only took me 2 extra hours to set, good thing i am awesome at preping now! so i just wanted to vent because the sale was for tomorrow then changed for today, frustrating is what it is! it's okay i get extra hours and i still get to come it tomorrow for some more hours!

it's me!!!

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