week 1 of august 2008!!!

so i am putting up a new blog, i have been super busy these past couple weeks with the new dog and all, he now sits, goes out the doggy door, doesn't pee, unless, it's by something new, so we don't put new stuff down onto the floor, i am getting the rest his papers tomorrow after work, fianlly. and some of his toys and crate, so its just been hectic, walking and playing and grooming, not just one but two stuck up self centered pomeranians, i think that's just their nature, it's more like that have attitude and just want to do what they think that should do, kind oflike a cat, but they come to me when i call them. and work, well, it's been hectic, the new girl quit, so here i am again, doing it by myself, and it's one day sale next week, ahhh! i got a new computer in my room, it just needs internet hook up so hopefully soon! and it's warm here, too warm for my liking , i need it to be like 65 at the most all the time and i would be totally temp happy! oh and bruce is a little jeoulous of teedy, but that's too be expected. it works out, and bruce definately tells you he is there, and teddy well, he doesn't bark only when he wants bruce to play, so like once a day if that. also, he totally drools excessively in the car and now i think he is afraid to go for rides. i have to work on that, abecause he has to get used ot it. so wish me luck and prayers for this! oh and tony is back working and got a raise, so yea! we can get caught up on bills and stuff and totally start saving! love you all and have a great first week of august!

Teddy

So this is a picture of Teddy. He is supper cute, 9 months old, pure breed akc certified male, unfixed pomeranian. he is lots of dk. borwn lowlights, and cute little white back toes, and one one toe nail, the other are all black. his right front paw is a little crooked so i wouldn't be able to show him i think professionally, because of the paw, so i think if i the trial week goes well, and i get to keep him, i will definately get him neutured. then he will be less likely to take off, piss on everything and just get lazy and fat, then it's up to me to walk them all the time. just as long as bruce puts up with it and isn't all butt hurt. so wish us luck and a few prayers and positive energy waves thrown my way, because i really like this dog and he needs a good home. oh and another plus he is free!! which he is actually worth like 500-700 dollars, wtf! but i would have a pack of dogs and other animals if i could. so yea!!!

the end of week 3 of july 2008

So i made it through 7 days of nonstop work at macy's. it ended with me working like 2 extra hours yesterday, and on top of that we had a visit from the head honcho and another managment team from seattle. wtf. stressed and went 4 hours with out a break or a smoke. that sucked! but all is good, the rents got home from another vacation, took us for sushi and habachi, we have a new restaurant in town! yea it was awesome, and green tea ice cream rocks! oh and the new girl at my work is very cool, we have a lot in common and i think we are going to hang out this weekend and go shopping or something silly! which is great, i love getting new friends that i can totally relate to and have fun with! and maybe getting another pomeranian, his name is teddy and he is black and medium size, about 4 years old, i believe, i might meeet him this weekend, and them introduce him to bruce. then he would have to come over here and stay and see how that works out, i don't want to bring another dog in unless i know ti will work, and you know more attention taken away from bruce, well, that
s another story. it will cost more like to go to the groomer every month, the vet, walking, food, treats. i kind of didn't take that into consideration until today, after his parents said i could get him if bruce is okay with it and he can learn to use the doggy door and stay in the yard, so we'll see. and i started my walk this morning. got up at 6, showered walked up hill to the end of the sidewalk the main road from my neighborhood, a good 45 minutes. i have eaten 2 apples already today and lots of water, and i am going to do this, get healthy, loose weight and stick to it, while keeping up on being active! i need to do this and i will, so i think today i will put up my inspiration board. so i am off for 4 days, if anyone wants to call, i'll be ready for some conversation! but, if it's past 10 i might not answer at nite, i am lame and an old person, i go to bed early! sorry folks, i have been officially brainwashed! the end!!!

hello, week 3 of july 2008

hello... world... hello people... i am alive...sometimes... maybe blurly... a little lost.... don't know what to say... so this is my blog... goodbye

another day... can i get a slice?

well it's tuesday afternoon and it's actually starting to cool down a bit, it's been really warm here, i had a great 4th of july, i should put up pictures, i will do that soon, i suppose. i had to work the next morning, so i was really tired. so me and my sister vegged all the next day. tony played poker with some buddies, so kelly got to finally experience some thai food with me! yea it was great and i got her to eat tofu! so i don't have to work tomorrow i am really tired, just finished a romantic novel by nicholas sparks, i am a junkie for his books, but they are so good and easy to read, just love them it only took me a day to read it, was that good! alicia you should read this one! i just love reading about people and the intriqit details, is that how you spell that word, intriquite? mmm not for sure, that's a first i am always good at spelling. oh well. so i am just chillin at home. drinking some tea, my financial aide for school isn't going as planned, the whole married to a retard part of my life i can't seem to get rid of is catching up with my real life. but, that too will pass and be over soon, i am going down this week to file, again. other than that i want pizza for dinner, i have been working a lot, i know i don't sound enthusied, because i am not. just hot and kind of moody, for whatever reason. i just thought i would say hello. maybe i will have more to say later tonite.

blue jays once again, ruined it all...

I knew from above that i would be, a person of light and dark, from the breathe of might. No one can take me away from that. okay so i thought i had a poem going for me but the blue jays are squaking outside my window. they taunt me you see. is it wrong to hate the blue jay? Tony thinks that it is my spirit guide. but, why? mmmm?

May your wings be spread, with the gusts of light, that descend upon you from heaven above.
May you fly so free, from the gust of winds, that keep you grounded in pain.
May you smile so brightly, from the kiss of life, that spins in your soul.
May you tread ever so lightly, upon the ground you walk, from this is where I come to you.

week 3 of june 2008

so it's a new week, i plan on going to the college tomorrow to get signed up for school. hoping that i can get a pell grant, depending on my marital status, it might affect it, so pray for me to get one! also i have tomorrow off from work, which i desperately needed for some reason. besides, the school thing, i just need time to myself. sarah's last day was today, and we still don't have anyone new to help me. so maybe i need this time to reflect how i handle stress and the duties, i need to perform well. i pray for this week to be effortlessly wonderful! also, the rents are out of town for a while and that's nice too. like tony and i have our own place and we just get to be, i love it like this! soon, we will get to have it like this all the time! SOON! well, i am also looking forward to this weekend, i think we might go to the drive-in, i hope i get to see get smart, it looks like it will be really funny! last weekend i saw sex in the city, agiain! my friend, sabrina, hadn't seen it yet, so obliged, and went! i love the series and the movie and carrie is my favorite, so if you haven't gone, you should, because it is friggen awesome! well, i am just blabbing, to blab. tomorrow will be productive and worthwhile! thank you!

new haircute!!!

So i am finally putting up pictures of my new haircut. i am totally loving now that the girl from my work fixed it. it has lots of layers in the back and the side, i don't know if you can tell too much. but all i have to do is blowdry it and a little straigtening in the morning and i am good to go. it's nice having a haircut that doesn't take so long to prepare. it is a little short for me. but i love it, i have a little style to it and it's great! oh and this is the silly picture of me and tony it 's great that i can still be in love with this man after 4 years. he knows me more that i know myself sometimes, and for him to be around and be as silly as in the beginging. well, i love it!

educate yourself!

I just got done watching and incredible movie. Charlie wilson's war. if you haven't seen it yet, well you should. so many things are happening to us now, because of these situations. did you know that because we skipped out so soon from afghanastan in the early eighties, did not help them rebuild and support them after we gave so much, that is the reason why they hate us so much over there. i mean, they think we are satan. we gave them weapons and trained them, so they could fight the soviets. then as soon as we acoomplished it, that was it. that their were men in congress who didn't give a fuck about fixing schools, and housing for these people. it amazes me that we haven't been fucking bombed by everyone. that is why we are where we are in the war with the middle east. i can't believe that just some help and support after all that money and pushing to get that accomplished and we backed out. we ended up with 9/11 people we love and know going to war, and we wonder why? well, that's why because of politics, because we as a nation are not informed. well, maybe we all shouldn't be. i am done with that, i need to make a difference somewhere, i need to know more. i need to know that i can count on my government to stand up for me and my needs. and it doesn't matter what party you go for or how much the candidates say pretty things anymore. it comes down to this. who do you think is going to make the difference, push us to the limits as people with information, to help our situations. it's just not a few, it's all of us, we need to be educations on international affairs. what can we do for our country?

if only the leaves fluttered ever so lightly, would i hear your voice?

so sometimes i may not be what you want me to be. sometimes i am what you always wanted. sometimes i am everything that you want to be. and sometimes i am never going to be quite like you. but, right now , i am me ever loving, ever changing, and ever questioning. my right as a person, friend, lover, and everything before and after. i am curious as to why you are the way you are, curious as to why i am this way to you and everyone else. what does it mean to me? well, what does it mean to you?

life is like a box of chocolates....

so once again i have had the ever popular, back that goes out while making your bed. with a dose of let's crawl on the floor to the b.r. and to the computer to get the phone only to realize it was in the bedroom all along. whf.i am doing better now, i can stand up straight, which this time, my back problem is different, i couldn't straighten my back and when i did it looked like i was dragging my leg side, like my stupid hips were out of place again, which last time was a main cause of my back problems. so now i reviewing my health insurance in the midst of changing over to hmo, can't decide what to do, mainly because i have no idea what they are talking about, so my friend sabrina who is the h.r. person for shell refinery, is going to help me this weekend, they sent all the info on cd's so that will be helpful. then next week i can get into a pcp see about and mri and figure out wtf is up with my back and have a diagnosis so i can continue with a treatment plan, hopefully just chiropractic care and not steroid injections, or surgery, or anything remotedly scary. so with 2 days off from work, with pto, i slept organized part of my life, and continuing on with a plan., now on to the next plan of schooling, is nursing goign to be appropriate with my back problems, or the hell with it contiue my plan and just see how it goes, i like the later. so that's my week. i work tomorrow and not again until monday. wtf, my life is like a box of chocolates, i fucking have to eat every piece, make my self sick, throw up and wonder why i ate them all, because it happens everytime. funny eh?

fun times, fun times!

so i am up late, i don't have to work in the morning, not until monday morning. i found the link for the secret thing, that is pretty interesting. i needed help on finding it, thanks kelly. so i have a pretty busy weekend coming up. i am going to my first pilates class with my friend lizzy tomorrow. i haven't hung out with her much because she has been doing her internship in seattle for an architecture business, so we are doing healthy gym things while she is working more at macy's . i go to the same gym as her, sarah, and sabrina. it's fun having new friends, sometimes. get new views on life and such things, and relearn what it's like to have a friendship with people in your own state. no offense to my awesome girlfriends, but i have been needing new good, honest and positive people who i can actually visit with. so after i do my new pilates class, i am letting in a maintence guy to sabrin's house, so he can paint something, while she is at work. while i am waiting i am getting thai food from sarah's other work, i love it their, i had spicy basil chicken last time and cocunut sticky rice for desert. delicious! then i am goign to rent p.s. i love you and watch that tomorrow nite! then on saturday i am going to get jean so we can shop for jerei's graduation gift. then we are going out for dinner probably. then on sunday i am going to get her again then we are driving down to seattle for jerei's graduation. it will be so exciting, i am going to take lost of picture even though he will be like no stop whatever, i don't care, stop taking my picture, you crazy lady, that i have known forever, but forget to talk to. he is silly and i am so glad we have gotten back to talking again, we have been kepping up on talking at least once a week. and it is like you said, kellly. even if you have lost contact for a while, we just pick up like we left off and it was only yesterday. it's so awesome and special. so my weekend is pretty busy and even though i complain that i am busy and don't have time just to be. well, i take that back, because i was home all day today, expect for going out to get my weekly latte and to the store, i had nothing to do today, but watch t.v. and now that i think about it, i could have done a million things. but really it is nice just to have nothing to do, or at least pretend, as i did on this really rainy day in washington. so for some reason i am type happy today and can't manage a phone conversation, sorry kelly i am totally discombobulated sometimes! i just need to breathe and focus on the better and be grateful, that i have people who want to be my friend. i just need to put in the effort just as much back. oh and the reason for this other new and long blog, i actually sewed up my pants today. all by my self, it was frustrating and took me forever to thread my needle, i did it and i did it well. i was damn proud of myself. i think my sister will be too, she won't have to sew my crap up any more. so yea, i accomplished another thing that i was saying i can't to, because i am easily frustrated, and i don't have patience. it's funny when you just do it because well, you have to. it just keeps getting easier and easier. soon all of my confidence levels will be up and i will accomplish everything i set out to do!i am really thirsty now. i need some water! i need to drink more i have only had like 2 today. well, another habit i need to set. it only takes 21 consecutive days, to set a habit. i read it at my gym. so that's a fun fact for the people out thier who seem to not get all their goals accomplished on time. so i should get water and go to bed, because i am sure tony will wake me up at 5 to fix something like lunch or breakfast, just to be a butt and these long blogs will stop. i mean it's not so bad i just feel like typing instead of talking. ... m&m's have a new ice cream treat and it looks like a giant m&m, i want to try it! good nite all!!!

entrapment? free at last? content? what should i chooose?

as i am sitting here in my computer room, knowing that i need to put up a new post, because my situation from last week is definately over. i am pondering on exactly what has gottem me this far and what i have accomplished and the things that i really don't care to share with others that have gotten me this far. especially finding out about secret,com( the idea is kind of cool). so here i am wondering what interesting insights or ideas have have conjured up this week. well, i have been busy with work, daily life, i have been not sleeping well and napping a lot during the day, man 4 in the morning comes really fast. and sometimes my days at work, are really long.
really what i want to talk about isn't what i am doing this week or anything in particular. just about life, and how it moves and doesn't and what i really need to do, to move along and become a part of my community and a life force for my family. yea things are how they are and the past is the past, but right now i am just me. with tony at his parents house living harmonily. as much as it can be, getting ready to sign up for school, haning out with new people. getting my self go to the gym. just staying busy and loving it, it makes me feel gracious and accepted and knowing that i don't need constant approval to know that i am a good person, a great friend, and a loving girlfriend, an awesome sister and a blessed daughter, and a forgving one at that, and and happy granddaughter. i am all these things, becuase all of those people are a important part of my life. yes people come and go in this life, well because they do, maybe less at sometimes and more at others. maybe i have lost trust with others or we just don't have time and that's ok, because it happens for a reason. i remember someone telling me that it's cute that i think we should still all be really close friends. well, it did hurt, but i realized, i do live in my past, because i haven't really made a present for myself. well, in the past months of working again, and making really friends that are positive, happy and willing to partake in activaities that benefit ourselves, i have realized that i do have a great present and i am pursuing for a great future. i will get there and it is going to be awesome. no doubt there will be hard times, but i know that whatever i do i will have lived out a great life, so when my times comes i am ready and because i don't have a choice. i may not be completely prepared, legalities and such. but, that's life and i love it. i would like to change certain aspects of my life, and sometimes my past, but i know it would definately change now, and i just accpet and never regret my past, because it has gotten me to where i am today. but a question i have to ask is just because i do have a past with certain peopel to i need to always have them in my life? their are lots of peeps out there that i don't always have completely contatct with, but with the help of myspace, well, we all know how that is. but i sometimes find that the people you keep in your life they are there for a reason, to grow and ponder with, i love that. to meet every couple of years, ponder our accomplishments and have laughs at the past, isn't that what family is for. well, maybe not everyone feels that way. i don't know, but i just hope that i am not keeping friends just because it's an obligation and i hope it's not the other way around. i want real viable people in my life. to count on and be a part of eath other's lives for as long as possible. doesn't it matter that we only talk once in a while, that maybe we are closer to others' and not so much with everyone, i don't know. i just love that all of my friend past, present and future will all hold a diffent value to me. also that my love for tony is growing everyday. we have our downs, i have a mean streak that i am definately working on, tony likes to provoke my anger, but recently we have calmed that down, with our sex life calmed down with that, which i just realized and that's a little weird. but we need to find a balance and get out fo the clouds. so my goal of going to school is goin to move us forward and into our own place, and ever going goal that i need to pursue along with my divorce behind me! it will happen and i can honestly say that i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but maybe i am kind of like samantha in the movie sex and the city, i have to constantly put that behind me. i love all people, but i need tony in my life, he completes me life no one else has, but sometimes my desires have a tendency to run out of control. that's why we stay home and don't drink out because i like to play a little too much. i guess it's good that a certian someone doesn't live here anymore, because that was going to far too. okay enuff of this talk. but i just want all of you girls to know that i love you for who you are and will be and always, and i hope you can do the same for me!

i'm staying

first of all i would like to thank all who listend to me rant and rave about my indecisivness. thank you girls so much for the imput and advice, i take it all very seriously. so, i am staying on start team as a signer. for the fact that my schedule for this fall will be pretty intentse, this is my main goal, so my supporting goals, should be less stressful and less intense. and i think being a serious commision based sales associate, would not be my forte as this time. possibly in the fall i can do it on the weekends, as a divisonal, where i wouldn't have the goals of commision or whatever they require. plus as i was looking at the requirement for the nursing program, i noticed that i need to get my cna license. i had let it slip because of my back. so this summer i am going to retake the classes and my clinicals, so by the time the requirement in 2009 is up, i will be prepared and ready. so that will require me to be employed at least part time while i take the classes and obviously for my clinicals, so that will be added income and i can work around my schedule at macy's for that as well. so i made my decision and let my supervisor and the i.a. manager know the deal. i feel confident in it and happy, disappointed that i didn't look into it further before i pursued it, lesson learned. and well, you always should learn something new everyday. good riddance.

can't handle it.

if i weren't such an indecisive person i would be getting what i want. but, i just don't know what to do, i want the new position really bad, think i could handle it well. but, no one on my start team wants me to go, even the store manager, they need my leadership and hardwork and they trust me to help the others get things right, they would would rather me stay on start team. but, it's all up to me, what i need to do for myself. they are even willing to give me more hours, and they can work around my work schedule more if i stay on start team. wtf. i feel so torn and stressed, that i gave myself a friggen stupid panic attack at work today and i had to leave, i couldn't breathe i wouldn't to throw up, and everyone was pissing me off, i just had to leave and cry, because i can't fucking decide what i should fucking do, like what the hell, it's just a stupid fucking job, that everyone thinks i should do except for my supervisor, of course, i should stay, more hours, flexible school schedule, ;perfect, except for just wanting to try something different, look pretty and make some extra money, just doing something fun. well, i don't know, tony isn't helping, because he thinks i would be a great sales associate, wtf does he know, i hate people and shit and poo and grrrrrrrr i just want to run around crazy in my head and fly away,i can't concentrate or breathe correctly, because both stupid positons would be great, all i have to do is just say yes, but something is holding me back, why, why why.ok i can do this, i told my sup. i would have a decison by tomorow morning, so i just need to do this, maybe it's my fear of being center of attention, i don't like that too much. and the selling part, if it wasn't for commision, i think i would be better at it, ya know. i can see my self doing it, but when i think of other people watching me do it, i freak,because i am a fuckine chicken shit bitch. ok well i;m not, i am just being negative. ok i will just take a breath and come back with another draft of positve words and pros and cons of this, i just need more time to think.

further ahead that i thought...

well, ladies, i may just be a certifed bra fitter in the coming weeks, that is if i can convince my current manager, why i should leave the start team. right now i am the lead signer, which to my standings is good, i always seem to be in the top which i can hold really well. i just need to be challenged and needed. and in my department, their is no need, just technical ability and repetiveness. which i can handle, perform well, and achieve. i just need to be closer to the clothes, i love fashion so friggen much, that i just see with this positon getting closer to that dream. if i could actually be anything in the world right now, it would be a fahion designer or stylist or boutique owner, kind of like a betsey johnson thing, but less intense, and more like me. i know i could do it, i just need the education, know the right people and the drive. so for now i am striving for the sales associate of the intimate apparrel department at macy's west in burlington, wa, at the cascade mall. i know i will do well, because i have to do well in everything i do, i am just better off being a manager, because i love to tell people how to do things just right, actually i am a pro and delegating. much until i am totally satisfied i am goign to continue on my path of nursing, with a side of fahion, oh and i will know by thursday if i get the job. my interview was awesome, i looked great, felt great, i will get it. that's all.

new position?

Today has been a really frustrating, only because i made it that way, but the one thing that came out of it was, i am applying for a new position. i have decided to apply for the sales associate position in the intimate apparel department at macy's west in burlington, it kind of sounds professional that way. i am considering this because i need a new change of pace, better hours to suit my college education and another reason to buy new clothes and look pretty every day and continute my discount, plus i would receive commision and other cool benefits, go to vendor fairs. their is actually a training course to be a specialist bra fitter, how exciting. well, the ladies that work in that department have been bugging me about it for a couple of days so i spoke with the manager, got the application and i am going in on friday to talk to her and have a interview. i have put aside the fact of having to leave the start team, when we are already down 1 girl and that sarah wants to leave, but this is my life, my time and i need a challenge. i am nervous and unsure of how well i will do. that means i should go for because what's the worst that could happen? nothing. i only work a max of 29 hours, in that dept, but i can pick them up in other dept. so i am going for it and not applying for the chef assistant position and the thai restaurant, that sarah thinks i should do so we can still work together, i don't really want to work in a kitched right now. it would be hot and stressful and i don't want to, i would rather stay at macy's and keep my benefits, so i will keep you posted on the outcomings, but i am really excited! wish me luck and some prayers, thanks. i love you all!

i feel the water running over my hand.. leading me to my light.

I have decided that i am going to pursue the career of a nurse. i have been thinking about it for years and i really need to go thorugh with this, if i am going to get anywhere in my life, i have just been floating. i hate floating.actually, i rather be in charge of where i go along this river we call life. i am the captain of my own destination. i possess the navigational tools to lead a successful cruise. i will find my destination, pick up those along the way who may guide me along this, it will never end, just as the water moving never ends.

understandings of the life of you...

Welcome to my blog... you have reached the highest possible connection in which to possess powers within. please do not depart from this page, it is not a test. it is a true and positive force within us all... noted from the pages of eternal happiness and peace for all mankind.

goals... at which i need to be consistent and disciplined!

Today i realized that i really need to make some major adjustments in my life. if i ever plan on getting ahead to be the person that i know i am capable of being.

1. save my money( i will shop less for unescesary items. which includes, clothes, bags, make-up)ing frugal, is what i will aim for.

2. be confident in myself, i can achieve anything i put my mind to.

3. go to school( nursing school is my goal, it is a career which is stable, needed, openly availble, no matter where i choose to live, self fullfilling by helping otheres, and a comfortable nest egg) which everyone needs.

4. release past conflicts, which need to cease due to present situations.

5. find friends who are trustworthy, good, wholesome, happy, postive and fun. surround myself with these person, in order to have a sound and soughtful life full of friends who love me and i love them, they last longer that way. love the ones that i have and nourish and keep together with the ones that i have.

6. de clutter my mess. get rid of build up of material junk clutterin my head and life. letting go of these things, will push me forward into a clear focused life of love and peace with in myself.

7. be happy.. to not get upset or pissy at the small things. simply breath, close my eyes and think of why i am upset and how i can avoid the anger i build up inside. there is a reason for all things. and if it needs to be done, just do it. express the feelings why i do not want to do it or disagree with the situation. stand up for my beliefs and reasoning. NO MATTER WHAT!besides the possibility of violence, abuse, or anything hurtful to otheres or myself( that is a given)

8. procrastination not being an option. learn how to get things done, on time and in a good, healthy manner, this will lead to less stress and anxiety for all.

9. love myself. i am all that i have, and if i cannot do this, who can i love. i am beautiful, smart, trusting, happy, loving, funny and reasonable. i can maintain peace within myself.

10. be healthy. learn to eat healthier, less consumption, exercise regulary. becareful not to upset my back issues.

these are some simple yet very profound goals that i am focusing on. i am going to change my life for the better. i need to do this so i can live my life how i want to, not by others. peace love and happiness

once again.. in the life of.. me...

So i think i need to get away from the sappy emotions i have been having for a while. and let's get into some good ones. well, for starters i went camping this weekend up at baker lake. we went from friday to saturday, because well, we like our time alone at home, we have kind of formed a niche. we enjoy being along together in the house, without anyone around, i believe, more than anything. we get invited to go places and do things and we are just like, well no. i guess we are old boring folks. but, it just suits us right now. but, we had fun camping, ya know smores, fishing, walking, being in nature, chasing bruce in the middle of the night in the campground, because he thinks he needs to sniff everything. i was freaked out some scary animal would come out and eat us, so i chased him around with the lantern. which including was freakin' cold as hell would be. so we had fun. then we went home and i napped for like 4 hours and just hung out together. we just like to be... i have started getting into reading at least 1 book a week. everyone should read Loving Frank. it's about the love affair between mamah cheney and frank llyod wright. a truly inspiring and moving true story. the struggles women have with their lives to choose how they want to live and love. to give up the normalcy of life in the early 1900;s which i belive we still have some in us. to leaving family, children and everything you know behind to fullfill your needs, wants, aspirations, and knowledge of the world and to be with the one you truly love. the struggle to find the peace with it all. so it really inspired my love for reading, again. the feeling of just waning to find myself and enjoy what is around me and just find me. so it's a must read. let's see, what else. not much. working, not as many hours as i want, cooking, and that's all pretty normal.

DESPERADO

I don't what it is, but i have desperately been wanting my mom near me. it's all i can think about and everytime i do something it's all i compare things to, like how she used to do this and what she would say. so i put up this video, because it is her favorite song! everytime i hear it, i just sob, knowing that it totally defines part of her life and is so relative to her situation. if she would just have let someone really love her. well, it could be so different. but, it never will be. so i have just been missing her. wish she would just call and say " erin, no matter how bad it gets, it can only get better" she always said that to me. man, why didn't she follow that? i just love her so much and want her here to see who i am and what i will be, doesn't everyone want that? but i am being selfish and i personally just need to let go. or maybe this is going to lead up to when i can finally forgive my mother and be at peace with her abrupt departure from us. i will get here i try everyday. so when you listen to this song, just picture my mom in her apartment, windows open, the breeze blowing throw the curtains, and her cleaning around her place and just singin the hell our of this song. god, i miss that so much, you know the way she just loved me or as much as she could. it just fucking sucks so much that one person could be so inspiring for all the downfalls they endured, amazing actually. because i have always grown up not wanting to be like her. but now, truthfully i would love to be the wonderful, loving, open-minded, fun person that my mom was. funny how life takes you and that drops you. i just wish when i drop it wouldn't hurt so bad, i guess i need some more padding, ya know.

i hold hands with a ghost...

When i think of times i had you at my side, i sigh. knowing you were just there, satisfied me so. i can't recall the your scent or even your voice. i do know your face and how you would always comfort my pains. to a time all i wanted to say to you was a yelling threat of words, trailed by resentedment, pain, and the promises you never kept. these are things i throw back in my head at night as i cry. to know i had you,whenever i would call. Just the thought of your exit, inflicts pain, unimaginable by the naked eye. i ask forgiveness, for i fear i can't forgive you. if only i could let go, just once and be centered that i had you for a reason and that time is only a fragment of reality. then i could rejoice, knowing when i go home you will be thre, at my side with the smell of your skin and the throbbing hum of your voice as i go to sleep. but to stop and be happy with my memories, is the hardest task,that I endure. I keep it with me all the time, wishing i could just empty my pocket and throw it all away. but, you as well as i, know throwing things away,only leaves us empty. I don't want to throw you away, just push the pain aside. I am just afraid that when i do, i will have to stop holding hands with you.

i don't have a title for this...

so this has been a couple of hard weeks for me and my family. we have dealt with a close friends, death, wrongful death at the hospital, she was only 39 with 3 kids, awesome house, tons of money, lots of friends, family, the whole shebang. now she's gone. the funeral was really emotional for me, it reminded me of my mom and mike and tony's grandma and everyone else i have lost indirrectly or not. i cried a lot, more than i was expecting. i felt embarrased because i was crying for her kids and how we as a family were going to miss her, especially tony's mom, they were best friends. so it made me realize. life is so short. thinking about maybe doing something, but never putting foot upon our goals, because we are too damn comfortable with what we do in our routines, to change. how pathetic. really, i have been lately, i have a job that i love going to every morning. even though it pays shitty, and the hours are bad. i have a great family system and support at home, even though it drives me crazy. my dad and sister are alive and like everyone else struggling to make it, but that's how they roll. my cars all work, i eat well, smoke, sometimes have an occasional drinky for relaxation. i mean i am so damn comfortable i am totally afraid to move on and take the risk and fear of paying my bills, working more than i want to , not wasting my money and doing all my extra time in for others, well, as we have all been blogging about what we should do and why life sucks. maybe we need to sit back and realize , it doesn't if i was in irag or thailand as a prostitue or being raped everyday in the work fields, or having to beg for food, not having anyone at all or living in my own hell of dependency on drugs, booze, men and abuse, then i would profoundly be worrying how to kill my self or someone else to survive. so that's not me or any of us. we have it so good, yet we pity ourselves into thinking we can't do it. well, if one of those unfortunate people in really bad circumstances, can make it out, go to school, have jobs and take care of kids, because they have no other choice. well, i have no other choice, but to be the best i can be. that's all their is to it. and if in the end i spent years in college have no clue, what to do with my degree or skill, well i keep going on, because if i don't i could be one of those unfrotunate souls. i don't want that for me or any of us. so i am giving my self a goal. i am signing up for some sort of schooling for the fall. then i will work another job this summer, to save up and tony and i will be in a place, definately okay, i don't have a goal on that, but, this is personal. and i know i can make the school thing for this fall.

eyeliner

so i guess i should blog according to kristen or the monkey will be after me? whatever i am the monkey and i cannot go after myself, or can i. or is the monkey really something else. ahhh who knows. so i am currently trying to get my anti spyware program to work and it's fucken retarded, i think i totally deleted everything when i went to uninstall it so i could register and reactivate it. whatever, whoever designed this, is fucken pissing me off. so i am waiting for a new reactivation code and stuff so i spent $50 on this crap. also, tony has a bad tooth and the flu this week, so we went to the er on tues. he got antibiotics and some pain meds and he goes to the dentist on tues, for x-rays and for them to check it out before they pull his teeth out and fix the cavities. men, they need to see doctors more often, so i have decided that when he needs to go i am just going to make the appt. myself, so there he can't fight that one.i went shopping with jean today and that was super fun, she should get the results of her mri and other mammogram next week, hopefully on monday. so then we could possibly find out what is going on so she can get her biopsy done, and figure what to do from there! oh and tony actually went out with the guys from work for beers. it's about time. he never goes anywhere to do that, or hang out with anyone else, really. unless, his friends get time off from their kids and they all live further away, so that doesn't happen very often. so i am just chillin and eating swedish rye cracker with mushroom swiss spread and veggie dip i made, and an orange soda, not so healthy but, it's soothing me because i am stressed out about the computer. alicia is sick, too and i hope she finally realizes how much medicine really can be good for her and that she gets better, so there, she can be so stubborn at times. that's ok, i am difficult and don't like people to tell me i am wrong or need to do something, so we all have our weaknesses, with usually stem from being stubborn. so kristen now that i have blogged are you actually going to call me sometime or what. so that's it and i need a cigarette and yes i love them. oh and the eyeliner thing, i have finally discovered black eyeliner, use it correctly and i look fucken hot, i should take a picture tomorrow and put new pictures up, so look for them this weekend. my sister's can rose, which is suppossed to be mine, had 4 babies, a black, grey, grey tabby, and tan tabby, almost like lilly, i am taking pictures on sunday, so look for those next week. i am done, my hand hurts and i need to conversate with some one . who should i call, or who will actually answer?

Where have all the raimbows gone?

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So this is for the fact that sometimes i totally feel like just running away from my life. i start to feel it all caving in, like everything is just nothing, my life isn't what i want it to be and i'm just not happy with what it's become. I go through these moods, then come on i can't control them. i totally try everything to stop them.i have no motivation to go and work out or do anything out of my comfort. and i think that's my problem,just doing what i need to do and not worry about what might happen or what others think. but these moods, lately they are repetitive and i get in a funk and it drains me. i feel lonely, lost, our of place, and out of body. i don't know who i am and i just want to run away and leave all of this behind because i feel wasted and useless. so i just wanted to talk about that, then i remember that people are dying to just have somewhere to live a little bit of money ane some foods to eat. i am lucky i have great friends, life and all thatjazz. it's up to me to make it worthwhile and better and do things to improve them.

it's an upsidey weird thingy!

so the news is that my friend hasn't had her surgery yet, her arteries and veins were so coroted and her heart was in such bad condition that she couldn't even have a biopsy, so they are suppossed to do that either today or tuesday, then she will let me know, they really don't even know what it is, they think it's cancer, but it looks so weird, that they are having specialists from seattle come up this week. i just pray she will make it through this. and that this can be the end to her suffering, like jerei said, she does need new karma! would could she have possibly done to deserve this and she doesn need to rethink her brain. so if everyone could possibly put some prayers in for her, it would mean so much to me and jerei! so that is the news.

too close to home!

Something came to my attention, that i have never had to deal with personally. Something that i always heard others have or taken care of but, i thought i have finally gone through enough, then it hits. My good friend jean, has come down with breast cancer, She has to have both of them removed on friday, It has currently also gone to her lymph nodes. so the doctors don't think it is very good, and that she possibly couldn't be looking at a terminal cancer situation. all with in a week, to find out,get tests, surgery, recover, then possibly not make it! I don't think she has realized it or accepted and i know i haven't either. it is just so much. since she doesn't really have anyone, i am going to go with her on friday, and she will be in mt. vernon at their cancer center, so i will only be 10 minutes away. hopefully she can get a hole of jerei soon, so maybe he can come up and support her and keep me company. i just don't think i am ready to loose her, i have come to know her as a friend, mother, and even though we haven't really been that close in the last couple of years, i just don't know if i can handle it. i know i can but, i don't want to. this record of loosing someone close every 2 years, well, it might keep on track. i doh't like it, but they happen, it's like you can feel it, gosh that's horrible, i couldn't imagine, not having her to talk to ,yea know, and not even close to imagine how she must feel, she has alreay gone through so much in her life, she deserves, to have it good, once ya know and be relaxed. i just hope the tests come out better than she thinks and it will all be over soon and she can get on with her life. i love her like a mom and feel like being selfish, ya know. okay i will keep you updated and maybe i should just call jerei myself and have him call her!

recycling!!!

So i am giving your some useful information into saving the environment and getting free products! From March 10-May 10 you can recycle any used bottle caps( they do not recycle, did not know that) through any aveda store or through the mail. i got this information from SHAPE MAGAZINE. I went to the site shape.com/aveda, but it does not exist so i wrote to the magazine. hopefully we can get the information of the details for this event. it would be really exciting to be able to save these items form going into landfills and destroying lives of baby animals who swallow these materials and end up dying of malnutrion. how horrible is that, i couldn't believe that people wouldn't recycle this and why is this stuff ending up in our oceans and other bodies of water. so i think it would be so beneficial to be part of this process, and get a free product from the company. so i will let you know on the details if i get any. Go green not mean!

yea !!!! i am groovy!

so i officially have a new phone! still so excited about it! my first phone all by myself, well sort of, whatever, it's mine. and it's the perfect plan and i am sure i have let everyone else know so yea call me i love it! until i actually have to pay the bill. but, i will be responsible and do it myself , thank you very much. so it is way cute and red and really cute! can't you just hear me say that like really fast, i know you can. anyways, i am tired my eyes hurt and i am going out for a smokie and some coffee,then a asprin and then dinner. yea yea yea! phone for erin

phone

so i just want to let everyone know that my phone has been suspeneded. so you can reach me at tony's number. if you don't know it, call alicia and get it from her. so i am going phone shopping with my sister for a new cell phone. so wish us luck.

crazy times, crazy times!

so as wonderful as i looked and felt this morning, it didnt'turn out as well as i planned it to. first of all i had to prep for a sale today, it was so awesome, i was almost done, totally confident that this was the best prep i have ever done, so much more confident in exactly where things were. then it hit, we had to set it as well. which was really frustrating because one of my sections only came down for today, so i had to put it back up, not very good time management! i was upset for a while, then realized it only took me 2 extra hours to set, good thing i am awesome at preping now! so i just wanted to vent because the sale was for tomorrow then changed for today, frustrating is what it is! it's okay i get extra hours and i still get to come it tomorrow for some more hours!

it's me!!!

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French art and Italian dessert?

So my saturday was a really good one this weekend. i sometimes hate the weekends, because i end up being at home and cleaning or doing laundry, and always looking for something to do. So yesterday Tony and i went down the seattle museum of art or the "SAM". It was really neat, haven't been to an art museum in a while. Too bad it was opening day for the exhibit from the louvre and family day, but we managed. They had a good size exhibit of the roman culture from the Louvre museum in Paris. It was so cool to see these statues that were carved by hand, so detailed and done so many centuries ago! you could actually see the dates carved in them! to imagine up close that people were around then and lived in a culture pretty close to ours, considering we don't really sacrifice or brutally kill as much. but, it's very similar, too bad all the things in between had to bring us down. To know that they showed their status by clothing, hairdo's and material possessions just as much as we do, well it was neat! The religious aspect was really interesting, all the cults that the romans and were a part of that to me aren't really cults, just more like separate spiritual beliefs. my favorite mural, was of a roman slaying a bull, can't remember his name, but with all the zodiac signs looking down at him in a circle. it was so detailed and to know we still rely on these symbols of future, is just amazing. Besides all the wonder and amazement, tony still seemed to get in trouble. he got yelled at for touching a mural, which he didn't even do and then they said he was standing too close, and the security lady was really bitchy. oh well, it's never a dull moment with that man! We went around and looked at all the other artwork and exhibits, which to me i love looking at paintings and just starring at all the brushstrokes and i thought tony was going to die of boredom. we looked at everything in about 2 hours. then enjoyed some gelato and a corner dessert place down the road from the parking garage! it was a really good date and so pleased that i have someone to do those things with, even if he causes trouble!

the money

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the end of the week! yea yea yea!!!

So today was a rather stressful day! first of all i had to be at work at 4 in the morning, which meant i got up at 3, that wasn't so bad, my windows weren't all fogged over and i acutally got to work 15 minutes early! i waited for the girl to come let me in, and none of our codes worked. then the security buzzer went off because we tried it too much! sucky! then we went to the other store to help then out for a while, we fianlly got in at around 4:45. which put us like an hour behind. which was so stressful, because i didn't have time to fully prep for the one-day sale on top of morning specials and does this for my four departments, which consist of intimate apparel, juniors, better sportswear, and moderate apparell. it took forever, even with help from someone, we didn't get out of there until 10, which was an hour past our time. not only did that happen i even stayed late by 3 hours yesterday just to get prepped some what. so friggen frustrating. then they called and wanted me to come in tomorrow for more set-up, because they figured it was ok, earlier in the week when we told them no one was scheduled and there were specials to put up. so i am not calling back to work tomorrow, because that would put me at 8 days in a row, no over time. and i want a day off! so i just feel so frustrated and i know i made some mistakes and missed some signs, because i was rushing just to get done. ahhhhh, i can't wait until the other girl comes back from prego leave! then life will be grand. other than that i am good had my shower ate some lunch, watch untamed heart, i heart christian slater so much! tomorrow we might go down to the museum in seattle to see the opening of the roman statue exhibit, i bet it will be awsesome! can't wait! so talk at you all later, gator!

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To the one i love!

so this is the incredibly cute card tony got me for valentines day! i love penguins, he gets me one every year, i have a cute penguin cookie jar! and the card, omg, so awesome! and these flowers are so pretty pink and purple. he usually gets me roses, ( so cliche).I really love these flowers, even when i tell him let's not celebrate or let's do it another day, he suprises me every time. like last year he bought all the fixings for me to make spaghetti dinner, before he had to go to work. and got me flowers and chocholate! he can be romantic, when it's necessary, which is more than i give him credit for. so this is a dedication to the man i consider the greatest and knows me better than i know myself, but's up with my crazy mood swimgs, grumpy mornings and still loves me no matter what, did i mention he thinks i look better without make-up, i thinking he just tries to make me feel better, but it's bullshit! so this one is for you tony, i love you forever!

weekend update...

So since i didn't get paid till friday, i got tony a travel case and all the goodies for his psp, he absolutely loved it! then i took us out to dinner for chinese and we went and saw fool's gold, it was so funny! great date movie. i think we are doing pretty well, sometimes' when i look at him i totally cannot picture my life with out him. even seeing another man some what nakes, only makes me think of him and how i wamt him. it's funny how that works. then yesterday we went to my dad's and low and behold my sister had a job interview for mc donald's. she got the job and starts orientation on tues. it's at the one by my house so i am going to pick her up and take her home that nite. it's so awesome for her to finally get a job! she keeps telling me that her childhood is over and i am like it's been over for a while honey, you are 19. she'll get in the groove of things and i think she will actually love working. so yea for her! now it's sunday i worked fro 4 house and i am off until tues.then off on wednesday, work thursday and friday. off on saturday work sun -thurs. what the hell ever, then i have a 4 day weekend, my schedule sucks, but it's a job and it works. so that is all for now.

i am blogging!!!

Okay everybody i am officially blogging. geez 14 comments, that's a big one for me. so yes i am okay, just really busy with working, going to the gym, and doing home things. getting up at 4 and and not getting home until 2 them cleaning, cooking, working out, pleasing tony and my dog who has to be up my butt all the time, we are walking for 20 minutes everyday and he won't let me forget it. so sorry. well, i hope everyone else is doing well. i have lost about 4 pounds in my goal of trying to loose some weight and be healthy, but i think i gained it all back this week with my intake of a very good cream puff. i love the french. and their baking and un.. not so much the calories of what i injested, but damb it was soooo good! hope everyone had a great valentine's day! i was going to take a picture of the things i got, but i left my camera in the toyota. oh yea i am now officially driving the truck, tony is up in ferndale working for a while. which means that is a 40 minutes drive one-way, so to save on gas i get to drive the blue tractor, that's what it feels like anyways. but, oh well at least i have something to drive, for the time being, until i get my car back. ahhh.
so i decided this year i didn't want to celebrate valentine's day, on valentines day, no going out, flowers, candy presnts. nothing. just us and us. so i was going to make chicken picata and just enjoy the the hosue to ourselves. well, i did make hima homemade card, which he always loves, because i always say cheesy stuff in them. so when he was running late yesterday and not answering his phone, i was kind of getting nervous. so he knocked on the door, of course i answered, and there he was with a whole bunch of purple and pink flowers, the bigges box of chocolates and a card. stupid butthead. but i think he knows better than to not get anything, because deep down i do want it. so he's good, and the card was so friggen cute. it had a penguing on it and it said" what what i do if i didn't have you?", then when you open it " i would still be looking for you" how friggen cute and he knows i love penguins, so he's good, except for the chocolates, he knows i am on a diet, they are my pitfall. i hate too much last nite, so i made him put them up high, i don't know where they are hidden and if i ask for one he will get it for me , because i would eat the whole box. i just can't help it. but we watched good luck chuck last nite at home, and it was friggen hilarious, everyone should see it! we went to bed early and he actually watched project runway with me, oh and he didn't make me cook, we ordered pizza and diet coke. the man of my dreams. we are going out for chinese tonite and maybe a movie, we'll see. so i am doing well very happy and getting healthy and my clothes are fitting better and maybe tomorrow i will put up somepicture so you can see my beautiful flowers.

Follow up...

so just some follow-ups into my life. my sister and i sort of found common ground this weekend. i took her around to get job applications and and that sort of stuff. even though we ended up in the er. on friday due to a massive migraine, we got it all taken care of, the needle was friggen huge! so she is getting better, trying to figure our her life. so hopefully if my dad is being a jerk she can turn in some more applications and get a job! i finally paid off my gym due and today i want to go to water aerobics, but i don't at the same time. i tried on my swim suit for the first time since this summer and omg i am a fucken huge jaba the hut fucken fat as ugly bitch. now don't go telling me it's not true. i am huge i have to deal with it and if it means calling myself a few words to get my butt going, so be it. and if one person says no you are beautiful, yea i know i am beautiful and all that jazz but i am huge and it's not pretty. so whatever i am going and someday it will be pretty again. oh and it's like totally snowing we had like 4-6 inches here sinc yesterday and more is coming. yea snow, bad if you have to drive in weather when most people i don't think know what snow is. ahh, but i have 4-wheel drive. ok toodles.

i love my sister!

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I wish that i could change how my sister feels about her self. To be a strong and independent, intelligent woman. To realize that you need to get out there and find yoruself, among the casos and trouble. To make a path to call your own, and who to let go down your path with you. i just worry so much about her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I always seem to have a way of helping people. But, she just won't let me into your life. it's like there is the wall between us, no emotion, other than anger from her. She just thinks that i am stupid, cliche and too happy. Well, i know what it's like to be in pain, depressed, unhappy with myself. She just sits at home watching tv, listening music, and eating. Doesn't really go anywhere unless it's to a store with my dad or if i take her somewhere like shopping or to my house. she doesn't hang out with anybody or talk to anyone on the phone, she doesn't have internet, so that sucks. But, she won't get a job, or learn how to drive my dad's car so she can go look for a job. None of us can get her out to do that. i always bring her applicatons, the newspapers with jobs circled. And maybe i am pushing her and just pissing her off all together. But, i don't know what to do anymore. i always just say that i am trying to help. But she jsut says i am in the way, i don't need your help. girls, i am at a loss. My grama esther is worrie sick about her. and well, i just don't want her to go down the same path as my mother, and my grama says that she needs to get out and be with people. kelly hates peopel, she takes friggen anxiety pills, because she is afraid to be around people. she is a friggen hermit. help!

Get it on....

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I have to say that sex is not the same when you are in a serious relationship. Toi imagine being with the same person for years and years is a great thing, and i can see how it can be monotonous and boring. because, well for like 6 months, i haven't really wanted to, like i just lost my groove. which for me should be impossible, because i love to have sex. and i am with a totally awesome guy who loves me and thinks i am beautiful, when i truly look like shit. so it has nothing to do with him, because he can groove very correctly. it's that i was so tired of having to perform and be so in to it. i just couldn't like it. almost like it was a chore. something i had to do because god forbid a man who can jack off all day has to have sex with my stupid fat ass. well, there it is. i was being negative and not liking myself. which has been an ongoing personal battle( i am refering to my weight issues). i still don't always feel comfortable when i have extra weight wobbling arouand, well folks, ain't too pretty. then a couple of weeks ago. i just couldn't take it anymore. it's like i got crazy and needed to be the sex maniac i had been for years. it was always my control i felt with guys, the need to please some one so they would see me as beautiful and sexy, even though i wasn't skinny or totally gourgeous like i felt under my weight. so as i keep thinking about this. it really has nothing to do with the control. it has to do with the fact that i need pleasure so does my boyfriend. and we take it when we can( considering our living situation, we don't always get to go crazy. And it's really funny we have sex that's it, i got my control of this is what we do, this is what i want and thanks i am done. and that is how i got my groove back. oh and by the way, the rents are living tomorrow for 2 weeks. which means we really get to be crazy. so to all those people who have issues with sex, which i am sure we all do. it doesn't need to be a never ending battle in your head. Just have it then remember that who you do it with, especially if you are in a committed relationship, you should be lucky to have someone want to do it with your stupid ass after all these years. and it's quite funny, because we still laugh and do stupid shit, in bed. so this comic is totally something he would say to get it on. after all i am with the guy who thinks that beavis impressions are sexy. so god help me, i am in love with a dork, who still thinks i am sexy, beautiful, crazy all the time, but he loves me more than i ever thought anybody could. and that's what i call making love.

what... is .. this... crap....give me candy!

well, ladies and gents: i am currently in a state of i don't know what the fuck. i got off work early and i have watched t.v., done my hair, nails, ate lunch, computered, i believe that i am actually bored. you see, when i get off work early, unless i am going somewhere or doing a project or laundry, idon't have anything to do or anyone to see except for my dad or sister. either everyone lives to far to go see or they are working all day. this really sucks, i don't have any friends that are really close to me here. i have a few that i see like a couple of times a year, but that's it, just tony and i. i am boring right now. so i should really think of something to do with this wasted time. for now i think i will go and get a coffee, but i should be going to the gym, taking some classes, something. well, by tomorrow i will have my gym dues paid off. ( and sierra, don't need to say it to me again.) but why am i not going to school for something? i could take courses on-line, anything. so i am just chilling, reading magazines and contemplating what to cook with dinner, i only have 2 potates, i guess i could make rosemary potates, mmm oven roasted with garlic and thyme and olive oil, salt and pepper, mmmmm me want taters. ok well, i don't really have anything importatnt to say. oh well, the rents are going on vacation for like 2 weeks, i take them to the airport on monday. so that's cool. other than that, i am at a loss. okay bye now!

well.. i may be free soon!

So i would like to let all you lovely peeps know that i may be officially signing some important papers on tuesday. i will be officially a free women, with the endless possibiliteis of my current relationship. i know it's about time, but all is in due time. I can finally carry on what i want in my life, without that baggage pulling me down. He is coming down on tuesday, hopefully he will remember the papers. we are having lunch and will sign on the dotted line. woo-hoo. Then hopefully sooner than later i can be mrs. stokes, how cool would that be. we talk about it all the time, you know where it's going to be, he wants one in vegas, but i want it to be close to home with all my favortie people's. so maybe we could get married there and come back here for a reception. then we want to go to either the somewhre tropical or ireland to drink all the guinness we can take. Our colors will probably be gold and burgandy. it's funny how we talk about this like we are actually going to do it soon. i just want some time to be erin cadden, officially, again. But, no matter what happens, i don't regret a thing, everything is laid in place and happend for a reason. Then big decision would be to who i would have in my wedding party. so there alicia i wrote something knew, hope you are happy!

Christmas

so christmas was really good this year! I had to work christmas eve, only till ten in the morning. Then i came home and tony had alreay started making more cookies. he went to finish shopping and brought me back with some tea and a sandwich. We made peanut brittle with my sister. Sugar spice cookies that i decorated the stars and trees, white chocolate dipped pretzels with christmas colored sprinkles, and fudge with marshmellows and peppermint. we were busy and sure made a mess of the kitchen, but he and his mom chipped in and helped me. thankful for that! we finally figured out how to make the cookie press, it's awesoame, thanks santa 2 years ago! Then we got ready to go up to the ranch for fondue! it was pretty good, i got burned, but it's worth it for the beer battered shrimp i made with sweet and sour sauce! then the bread and cheese, nmmmmm yummmy! we had to leave early to come home for our christmas.
My sister joined us christmas eve, so we all opened our presents early, because tony's dad had to work the next morning. Everyone loved their gifts! Tony got me a new black leather jacker, it zips up and is so cool, a little small, but i decided i will loose weight to get it zipped up past my boobs, but who zips their up anyways? My sister was happy with all the gifts from macy's that i got her! we got to do the stockings early too, which was awesome, socks, kaluha and chocolate! we all hung out in the living room with our new jammies and watched amazing race, ( we recorded it from sunday). so all in all it was great.
Then on christmas morning i woke up and had a really bad pain in my left side and pressured was building up and pushing on my bladder. i finally went to the e.r. in incredible pain. Found out that i had a bladder infection, almost close to getting my kidneys, because their was lots of blood and protein in my urine. weird, but they gave me anibiotics and pain medicine. i felt better right away, but after a while and right as we sat down for the best dinner ever, i had to go throw up. then i had like a few bites. but i got to spend the day with my family and our friend sabrina, with her dog and my dad's wiley. they all got along. and my dad, tony, and his dad jack sat around drinking scotch, and had a good time. i love my family i have, they all mean so much to me, even when i want to hate them! But, this was a great christmas and i couldn't ask for anything more. except for maybe a designer bag, hahah kidding. but i am feeling better, even though i had to call in sick to day. the first one ever, i felt bad, but i need to get better! So i hope all of you had a great time! Oh and we get to see j.p. this weekend, too bad alicia isn't here either, butt head. but i love you anyway! happy holiday!

It's been a while...

So i have realized i haven't blogged in a while. i have been so busy getting up early for work, running errands all day, keeping the house organized, cooking dinners, shopping for christmas, visiting people, that i just have time to read through stuff and that's about it. if tony is home on any of my days off, he takes over the computer. so i had to be a work at 4 this morning, which meant getting up at 2:45. i have to admit i looked pretty good for that early. then i spend all day getting packages out and stuff that i finally sat down and relaxed at like 2, then fell asleep from 3:30 until 5:30. so it felt nice. i work all week, then i actually have my first weekend off. i think i am going to make candy like peanut brittle, cookies, maybe some fudge. i already made my grand marnier. it's almost ready, you have to shake and let it sit for like 10 days to get the full wonderful taste of it. then i can make awesome cosmos. you know, cranberry juice gran marnier,fresh squeezed lime and shake, they are delicious! so i am almost done christmas shopping,. Then i will feel a little more relaxed, i think. it's always a rush to get this person this and that person this, that i don't ever think that i am totally satisfied with what i get. so hopefully this weekend i can get it all done. so i hope everyone has a great holiday, because i know i will!oh and have a great week!

What is this?

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I love cookies! And i believe this goes with saying. That sometimes you are expecting something when you realize you get something that you really don't want. I know this applies to relationships. There are many times i get things or shit happens and i am like what the fuck is this shit. But you can't always get what you assume you are entitled too!. i think that since people love me they should do things for me all the time and never think of themselves because i should come first. Well, i do this to tony all the time. i shouldn't, i know but, i always feel like i do everything for him and i need to remember to do things for him too! just like tony bought me a box of peanut brittle today, i ate it all so i had to make him chocolate milk. so i am just saying that not everything is the way it is and sometimes cookie monster will just have to have some fruit, it's good for you, too! which is to say things that you don't want and you end up getting are good for you and you never knew it! good day!

That's how it goes.

Well, today didn't go as smoothly as I wanted. It started from last nite with me not getting to sleep when i wanted to. I smeared my nail polish so i had to redo them this morning. When i got up i laid around for too long, which made me like 5 minutes late for work. Then work started out rough. i had to do the i.a. dept. all by my self, preparing for the special 2 day sale tomorror. Which i really don't know what i am doing, especially when my supervisor has no clue, because he is new. But i finally got it down and well as long as i remember where everything is tomorrow, i will do good. But they keep pulling me away from different areas and i can't get back in time and when i'm not there, my section doesn't get done, so whatever. hopefully i can just be the intimate apparel person and they can get there stuff back in order. Enough of work. I made the ultimate Erin. i locked my keys in my car at work. They were on my front seat i guess i left them there when i went to my car on last break. grrr mad grrrr arg. So i had to call my dad to come and resuce me, because tony was at work, everyone else was gone and all of the people i work with left already. So i had to wait for an hour because there was a car fire on the high way, so my dad had to turn around. whatever, stupid car fire. So i fianlly got home 90 minutes later, still don't have my car, because i thought tony had his set with him, but i just found them haning on the key thing and my dad already left. whatever. i am going to bed early will do my nails, have everything ready and i have to get up at 3 to be at work by 4, until 9. Then i finally get paid, so i am going to cash it take my dad out for breakfast. then back to the slave mines on saturday. life is grand. also, i am taking the spare key and will put it in my wallet, so this shit doesn't happen again. i'm friggen tired, hungry need a shower and still have to do laundry. ahhhhhh what would i do if i had kids. not ever going to happen. well, i might change my mind like some other day, but for today nonono.

nonsense... can't think of anything else.. too tired. have fun!

This is for the people who i call and never answer, i believe this is what could possibly be going on.... i don't know, but if you are an individual who doesn't answer my calls, then...u sicko!

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The second week...only time will tell....

So i have made it to my second week of work. It's going really well, i had to officially learn the intimate apparrel dept. today and it sucked. not only are there sales, but every style of different color of different brand is on sale, and it's all pretty different. i will just have to get used to it. i'm supposed to be full time but, my schedule says i am only working till 10 most days, which sucks. i checked my check on-line, which is awesome, since i don't get paid till friday, but i can check it in case i want direct deposit, then i can print it off for my records, neat huh. so i know how much i am getting on friday, but it's not as much as i would like, but hopefully after the holidays, less people will be working, to get things done and i can get more hours, which would be awesome, plus i get paid every friday. So yea. I am still tired and feet hurt, but not as bad, i just have to get used to it. The only bad thing, on friday i have to be at work at 4, because of a big sale, oh well. so that's all for my second week. Every one is nice and i have at least one person to hang out with, that works my schedule. it rules!
But, there's one thing. I feel like a totally different person. i get up at 4 do my hair and make-up , get to wear decent clothes and work in a really nice place, i should get more money for this!. It's just weird because i am not a morning person, but on my day off i got up at 6:30. I was afraid to sleep in because i would ruin my routine and schedule. it's weird. I just, well, feel so awesome about myself!. I am more active eating less, happier and well just happier. so it's good maybe next year will be my year.

Some interesting facts...about me!

This is the mince meat monster that my sister and I did for thanks giving, it was our first pie we have ever made together. We silly!

I was so thoughtfully tagged by angel... so i am suppossed to release 7 facts about myself, possibly something not every one knows. So here it goes...

1. I absolutely love clothes, shoes purses, you name it I love it! So i recently got a job at Macy's. yea yea yea! I get to go through clothes all day long. Which means that I know when sales are going to be on before they happen, because I se them up. I also put things in the clearance racks. I love it! They have a women's world and so cool, because my size clothes are always on sale and i get to go through them. Besides that i have an infinite collection of fashion magazine. They are pilled up all over my room from vogue, marie claire, cosmo, lucky, jane, instyle, just to name a few. I keep them all because I am convinced that I will need to look something up or will but out my favorite items and scrapbook them. Yea it will happen like never. So i just have magazine everywhere!

2. I watch food network, all day long, non stop. If i happen to be home and the t.v. is on I am probably watching it! I love it, eating food, cooking it, watching people cook it! I learn so much on here. So i am constantly trying out new recipes on my family. Some are not so good, but they seem to eat it. Then I get ideas, because someday I will finish my own cookbook. Still collaborating and thinking of a theme, name, etc.

3. I can't wait to be a grandma. This is the time when I can actually spend all day cooking, cleaning and going places, because i am retired. Then i can wear lots of gaudy matchy jewelry with my grama clothes. It will be so fun, baking, hanging out with kids I can get rid of at the end of the day and just chill with some wine with my old man by the fire. Gee I think i do that now with out the kids and traveling. well i have some working to do. But i do want to wear crazy old lady clothes and have bright red lipstick. Golden girls will be my heros.

4. My boyfriend Tony is spoiledand i love him beyond infinity. I make his lunch everyday, usually dinner, and well i don't do breakfast, because i leave before he even gets up. I also do all his laundry, clean house and make sure the little thing are done. I make his chocolate milk, well when I am in the mood. But i do this because i think if I do the things that make him happy, he will do the same for me. So Now when I want water, he usually gets it for me, i always forget before i go to bed. Every Sunday morning i make him a specialy breakfast, like biscuits and gravy, eggs benedict, or scrambles or omlettes. I love my babe so much, he is the best thing that has come my way and i intend to keep it that way. And no I don't really think I should buy him an xbox 360 live for x-mas, but i probly will if I have the money. I love him so much I think i hate him.

4. I love blankets. I have like any kind of throw blanket you can think of . I really like to use a different one all the time and switch them out, so if you ever need to give me something, a really cute blanket will do the trick. I trade them with my dog, sounds funny I know. But he actually steals them for me, so well maybe he has a blankie fetish.um.. kinky. But anything soft and fuzzy and well enuff to cover me from chin to toes, well do me good. i feel like curling up with one now!

5. My far away dream is: To right for a fashion magazine in a big city. Have a really cute apartment with a stoop, so I can hang out and drink coffee. My place would be decorated like shappy sheik. I wouldn't need a car to get anywhere, because it would either be walkable or public transportation. I would have one small animal and come home drink wine and eat noodle salads with my critter and watch the city. I would go to cool parties at cool bars, but still be a down to earth girl. Hence my love and addiction for SEX AND THE CITY. Well, if i had to be single and working, wouldn't it be great. Someday if i have to... It would be great.

6. I have a gym member ship: I go to water aerobics, to help stretch and heal my herniated disc, sciatica and really short muscles that I have in my left leg. It's fun, i need to pay my dues, so I can go again. It's a whole bunch of mainly older ladies, except for me and my friend sabrina. it's a great workout and i feel so much more energized, eat less and feel better about my self, confidence, esteem. it's grea to work out, now if i could only follow my advice and actually loose weight, in time it will come.

7. I love coffee! Triple venti vanilla latte. I have to drink these, week wouldn't be complete without a couple. I usually just drink regular coffee and vanilla creamer in the mornings for work, but when i have extra cash and need a pick me up, I hand over one of my many coffee cards and $3,50. I know it's crazy, but a little indulgence is what puts a smile on my face!

Now i am suppossed to tagg other people and link, but i don't understand that i can't even get my pictures right. So I will comment that people have been tagged then they can do this survey. Hope i did this right, if not i attempted it and that's what counts.. now have fun!

NEW JOB!!!

It's official... I have a job! I am a signing asssociate for Macy's Northwest in Burlington at the mall. It's so cool! I start at 5 in the morning and get off at1:30. I do all the sale sign and mark things down, so i totally know when all the sales are!. Also i get a 20% discount which can only be used on a macy's credit card, so i get to have one of those too! Can't you see me with a really awesome bag? Well, i get to wear just about anything that is nice, i don't work too much with the public, because we actually don't open until 10 in the morning. So i am just totally excited that i have a job, that pays well, it pays. but, i am working, tired as hell, and hopefully not wasting my life away. i have so many opportunites to move up in the company. I just really hoping that they will keep me permanately. Then i can get benefits, then finally get so new eye glasses, yes i am going blind. well, not really, but close enuff. So just to let everyone know, i will be in bed by 8:30 and up at 3:30, can you image that, me up early, well i am doing it and my dog still thinks he should go with me, so i have to play with him in the morning. it's like having a kid, abecause he totally pouts when i leave. Well, i need to finish laundry, get dinner prepared and i am so tired. so yea i have a job, that one is for you kelly, because you had to remind me to put up a post. k bye!

Green Bean Casserole... a must for turkey day.!

Thanksgiving Horoscope for Libra

You're the sign most likely to upstage the host or hostess with your charm. Your signature dish: Green bean casserole Your signature dessert: Chocolate cake This holiday: Make plans early and stick to them. It's easy for you to change your mind.

What's" Your Thanksgiving Horoscope?

I'M FAMOUS...CAN'T U TELL?

It's just another week...

I really don't have that much exciting news, yet . I have had 2 interviews today, one with the dry cleaners.,"glow cleaners" and Fred Meyers Grocery store. The dry cleaners have 36 hours, pay 8.5/hour, with no benefits, yet it's a small locallly owned business, with the owners living above the store, which is good for the community i live in. The other is starting with 20 hours, maybe more, depending on who calls-in, up 13 an hour, including union, benefits, when i do get to full-time. so it's a toss up, on who actually calls me first or if another company calls me. Whicn i do hope somebody does, the cleaners will call me by friday and the other in like 3-5 days. so i just need a job, christmas is coming so sooon, and i have like no money for that and i have so many bills to pay off, it's just ridiculous. i can't believe i got myself into this predicament. Everything does happen for a reason and god never gives me anything i can't handle. so only time will tell. i will get everything paid off, move out and life will just be so. until then, i need to work my butt off! so hope everyone else is doing good! oh and i go on the big shopping trip down to seattle this weekend for the soroptomist, tony's mom volunteers for them, so i get to help! yea i get money for my birthday for this trip! i shouldn't spend so much to save for my bills, or i could get people's gifts or get stuff for me? mmmm decisions. i should be responsible and maybe get myself one thing and then others's stuff. well, it will be fun no matter what. later!!!

I wasn't thinking...

So to add to my previous blog of how I don't like small talk with people... well, i guess i wasn't thinking. Because, i have been applying to like everywhere, all online. they have these attitude questions, well it's all about how you interact around people and crowds. well,. i am going to make a point to be more positve and smily around people i don't know and enjoy this small talk. maybe it will help me get a reall job.. ya know.

it really pulls my chain when.... ya know .... grrrr@!

I have an irk. i hate it when somebody i live with insists that i do something when i don't . i didn't want to get up this morning, because i couldn't sleep only had 2 hours and tony needed his lunch put together. youknow who, said, oh well that's your problem. she said oh just do it and go back to bed, what' s the big deal. well, i will tell you what the deal is, it is hard for me to go back to sleep, sometimes. and them she said b.s can you believe that b.s. well, most days i can't i usually don't fall back asleep until like 7 and she totally insisted that she could hear me and knows exactly when i fall back asleep and that was it. like i was lying and don't know what the the fuck i am talking about. well, i am so sick of that and she knows i won't say anything back to her. well, maybe i should. oh it pisses me off. ok i am done. good bye!

Halloween nite

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

This is such a funny! i love gummy bears so much! how perfect! Well, i actually had a great halloween. I decided to dress up as a kitty kat to pass out candy to all the little kiddies. we usally have 150 kids, but i don't even think we got but 75. that's ok, it was still fun! I even did the full on make-up, sharon took a picture but i didn't on my camera, sorry girls! We carved pumpkins last nite and they well, they are ok. mine had stars and moons on it. Then i did the pumpkin seeds. My friend sabrine came over with her dog sweet pea and we all had pizza and chicken. We weren't so healthy. you know with all the candy and all. But yea it was fun cause tony even dress up as the devil. funny! any ways i hope you all had a good time and i am done eating candy, so good nite!

All hallow's eve

Usually this time of year is thought as sedentary. With the leaves falling, the air becoming cooler and the beginging of winter. Fall is a great time for harvest, of course trick or treating. With the carving of pumpkings, dressing up, and sharing the season of fall with friends and family. What does halloween really mean to me?
For me it's a time to celebrate the death of friends and family, we have lost along the way. According to the wiccan holiday "Sanhain" it is the night when the veil between the dead and the living is the thinest. Lighting candles with patchouli oil, placing them in jack o lanterns to lite the way for the dead. Celebrating with loved ones with some warm apple cider. It is the nite when the old god died, returning to the land of the dead while await the rebirth and yule. Also the time when the Crone goddess would go into mourning for her lost son, while leaving her people in darkness. It's a perfect time to get your divinitions done for the year and to make contact with the dead.
So that takes me to why this day is important and memorable for me. Exactly 5 years ago I lost a friend who was very lost. Tortured in his mind and soul and took his own life. It was a very devestating time for me. Feeling things I never thought were possible. Feelings of guilt, sadness and anger that I have never felt before in my life. It prompted me to be depressed have false judgment with other men and put my self in situations, I would otherwise not do. Over the years I have adjusted myself to knowing that I was definately in a grieving process and Ido not regret anything. Which has come to my vision of what he really was. How he was a talented artist. With his wonderful drawing and painting I had never seen in my life. His out there ways of how the world was going to end. I think back on it now and iImiss him. I miss how he made me laugh and feel. Just like a first crush.( okay so it was my first actualy relationshiop.) But, lately Ihave been thinking about him and it always makes me cry. So, this is why I decided to write about it. Because, he did hurt me in many ways, emotionally, physically, and every thing else in between. I try to forget it, i have definately forgiven him, but it still hurts. Maybe it's the pain of how he went out and I had to witness it. That sometimes I am visited by him in my dreams, it scares me to death, because that it the one reason I can't sleep or feel comfortable in totaly darkness. Afraid that i will see him. Is that crazy, I don't know, but that is one thing I can't let go of. So tonite, I am going to celebrate him for seeing all the good that he did bring me and what his death brought me. Then maybe I will be able to let go.
So tonight, and tomorrow, take a little time out to remember the loved ones you have lost, good or bad. Give thanks for your life and what theirs meant to you. But to also light the way for these souls, so they may find peace within them selves. And to put us all at peace on Sahmain. Greatest love peace and serenity to all. All hallow's eve!!!

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Excuse me, um... no thanks!!!

Is the world full of happy and angry people or chummy, always have to conversate to strangers people, and the others who really don't want to talk to strangers about stupid unrelated conversation? Well, i believe it's the latter. I am a happy go lucky person, but i also don't want to talk to people i don't know, about things that happend to them or whatever, when i am busy working or just shopping.I also think it's ridiculous to be called grumpy if you feel this way. I just don't think people should think of you as a bad or negative person, if you don't want to create small talk with every single person they know, it's friggen irritating. yea i do talk to people with they want to say hello or bless you, or excuse me, but to just talk about whatever when i don't give a crap. grrr. i think i want to just crawl back into my shell and trip people whenever they come around me. hahaha! but, seriously, does that make me a bad person? Should i totally revaluate my outlook on life, am i bitchy. well, whatever.

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MOVING?!

So i am feeling totally excited. tony and i might be moving, finally. back to anacortes! yea yea yea. we will be moving in with my friend christine into a 2 bedroom split level house, only 400 a month and 1/2 the utilities. so that will be awesome. and the bedroom we will have is like totally huge. we will have to share the bathroom with the shower and the kitchen is upstaris, but whatever. we also have a washer and dryer, cable, phone, internet, covered portch, a refrigerator down staris, and a room that i think i will make into a little living room, it will be sweet, also there is like 3 decks to groove on, when it's not raining,. and i will be living with chrissy. yea she has been doing really good at her job making like 1600 a month, getting her license back and her kids! very positive. her stupid boyfriend will be going away for a while, so i think this will be a great opportunity for us and her to get back on her feet and start over with her life, she needs it and so do we,. plus, it's only 5 minutes away from tony's work. but, i do need to get a job before we move in, so wish us luck,. because it will happen in a couple of months!