as i am sitting here in my computer room, knowing that i need to put up a new post, because my situation from last week is definately over. i am pondering on exactly what has gottem me this far and what i have accomplished and the things that i really don't care to share with others that have gotten me this far. especially finding out about secret,com( the idea is kind of cool). so here i am wondering what interesting insights or ideas have have conjured up this week. well, i have been busy with work, daily life, i have been not sleeping well and napping a lot during the day, man 4 in the morning comes really fast. and sometimes my days at work, are really long.
really what i want to talk about isn't what i am doing this week or anything in particular. just about life, and how it moves and doesn't and what i really need to do, to move along and become a part of my community and a life force for my family. yea things are how they are and the past is the past, but right now i am just me. with tony at his parents house living harmonily. as much as it can be, getting ready to sign up for school, haning out with new people. getting my self go to the gym. just staying busy and loving it, it makes me feel gracious and accepted and knowing that i don't need constant approval to know that i am a good person, a great friend, and a loving girlfriend, an awesome sister and a blessed daughter, and a forgving one at that, and and happy granddaughter. i am all these things, becuase all of those people are a important part of my life. yes people come and go in this life, well because they do, maybe less at sometimes and more at others. maybe i have lost trust with others or we just don't have time and that's ok, because it happens for a reason. i remember someone telling me that it's cute that i think we should still all be really close friends. well, it did hurt, but i realized, i do live in my past, because i haven't really made a present for myself. well, in the past months of working again, and making really friends that are positive, happy and willing to partake in activaities that benefit ourselves, i have realized that i do have a great present and i am pursuing for a great future. i will get there and it is going to be awesome. no doubt there will be hard times, but i know that whatever i do i will have lived out a great life, so when my times comes i am ready and because i don't have a choice. i may not be completely prepared, legalities and such. but, that's life and i love it. i would like to change certain aspects of my life, and sometimes my past, but i know it would definately change now, and i just accpet and never regret my past, because it has gotten me to where i am today. but a question i have to ask is just because i do have a past with certain peopel to i need to always have them in my life? their are lots of peeps out there that i don't always have completely contatct with, but with the help of myspace, well, we all know how that is. but i sometimes find that the people you keep in your life they are there for a reason, to grow and ponder with, i love that. to meet every couple of years, ponder our accomplishments and have laughs at the past, isn't that what family is for. well, maybe not everyone feels that way. i don't know, but i just hope that i am not keeping friends just because it's an obligation and i hope it's not the other way around. i want real viable people in my life. to count on and be a part of eath other's lives for as long as possible. doesn't it matter that we only talk once in a while, that maybe we are closer to others' and not so much with everyone, i don't know. i just love that all of my friend past, present and future will all hold a diffent value to me. also that my love for tony is growing everyday. we have our downs, i have a mean streak that i am definately working on, tony likes to provoke my anger, but recently we have calmed that down, with our sex life calmed down with that, which i just realized and that's a little weird. but we need to find a balance and get out fo the clouds. so my goal of going to school is goin to move us forward and into our own place, and ever going goal that i need to pursue along with my divorce behind me! it will happen and i can honestly say that i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but maybe i am kind of like samantha in the movie sex and the city, i have to constantly put that behind me. i love all people, but i need tony in my life, he completes me life no one else has, but sometimes my desires have a tendency to run out of control. that's why we stay home and don't drink out because i like to play a little too much. i guess it's good that a certian someone doesn't live here anymore, because that was going to far too. okay enuff of this talk. but i just want all of you girls to know that i love you for who you are and will be and always, and i hope you can do the same for me!
7 comments:
erin...erin...erin...I freaking LOVE you! I'm sorry that we don't as much as we probably should. I would never think of you as someone I had as a friend, when. I hope that we always stay friends. I have this problem with calling people and usually when I do I am inebriated and self loathing. So really you don't want to talk to me then..I feel bad for kelly answering her phone most of the time :) I don't call anyone...not just you...god I haven't talked to tasha since like october or something...I'm glad that we have this and myspace and other stuff. I'm not sure if you were writing about our friendship or not, but even if you weren't I suppose that you should know how much I want to squeeze your head and think you're rad!
p.s. I just got home from work and it's 430am your time...im debating calling you, but i think i'll wait a bit!
I think there is this unspoken love between 5 of us. NO, it has been spoken, its an understanding that growing happens, along with that we have all been connected in such a way that we are blessed to have each other in a sense, that it is certainly not an obligation, to have each other and move on is natural, we are like a family of encouragers and all that positive stuff, we all have a past present and future. some things can never be shattered. i am so reminded of the movie now and then!! we need to build a tree house!!! we all will meet new people but always have the brass monkey if ya know what im sayin. we don't have to always talk, but who we call up, when we come "home" who we take time to see and stuff, you know its not obligatory. maybe some aren't as close as others, but no matter what there is this connection and thats cool!! ROCK ON TO US!!
friends are good.
life is good.
community is good.
you know i went through a mini breakdown about my friendships when not one of my girls came to my wedding. i knew it was far away but,i figure the lengths that people travel to see bands, the length people would travel to see friends. i really had this movie like image that my friends would be there sniffling into kleenex and celebrating love. but, i know that it was all about a celebration of newness. and you were all there in spirit. and it was super rad that alot of my new friends came and a few old as well.
it's all good now. i feel great about where i stand with everyone. i know that we are all connected.
you know i would have gone through the same if no one came to my wedding. i was so close and could have gone, you know i did ask jerei if i could ride with him and he said he might not have enuff room, and then everything with my mom. but, no excuses we all have our moments in life where we don't exactly do things correctly or say the right thing, and well i'm sorry i didn't go to your wedding, but as much as we regret that, and we probably were all in bad places at the time or fucked up, and your regret being upset about that, i guess what i am trying to say, that no matter what we do or don't do about what everyone else wants us to do, we are still friends, we want to be friends and now realize we need each other more than ever. so when you and brian have like a anniversary celebration of a certain year and you should invite lots of people i will be there! literally, because i do feel awful about that, i guess we never talked about that. anyways, i just need to remember that just because we don't talk all the time and pass judgment when we feel like it, we just need a friend to remind us, hey you fucked up, i didn't like it, it pissed me off, i forgive you now, that's okay beause we are friends and i know you meant well, because we are friends, and well you are forgiven. see i still feel bad about what happend last year considering the wonderful box you sent me. ok forgivemss has been granted i lvoe all of you forever eternity times like 300, or something. love friendship community peace and happiness, and the bag. okay i have gone on forever. bye now!
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