RIP

October 30 2012:
It has been 9 years since mike has passed. This day brings more memories, than his birthday. I think i felt more emotional about it on the way to work yesterday. i mean everything happens for a reason, and his place in my life now, well it's just not it. It's more like, I feel I let someone down, him. shit it still fucks with my head and I miss him. It was such a nieve part of my life. maybe that's what it was for. any ways, it's been 9 years... and the shit i have done since then... we all make our choices and i cannot hold on to guilt for a man who took his life so selfishly. I will just remember that good times and how funny he was and just leave it at that. Maybe he's the one who watches over me, who knows. But here's to you Michael William Hallameck. RIP

the reading made it real

So one of the girls who works for me gave me a tarot card reading for my birthday. It really validated my decisions that I made this week
I am staying in Everett to continue the job I am in. It is the best decision because I can pursue my career within Macy's even more, from the position I am in. Because my opporutnies are more vast due to the volume of store I am in. Going back to Burlington would actually be going back in my position.
Now moving to Iowa... I am just going to keep trying to find us good jobs there. But, with so many troops coming back by this winter, that mind deminish job searches especially in such a small community. But i am keeping my hopes up, it's all i have is hope...
I am doing better at work ... Everyone was so nice for my birthday there! I got pink roses, 3 cards, a bithday cake and and they even sang to me.. Sooo funny! also my new friend at work got me a really cute scarf.
So things are what they are...

delima

1. do i actually move to iowa.. tony needs to find a good job first.. maybe hard
2. do i transfer back to burlington, and tell them i may not move. they know i want to but not a set date
3. do i stay at my job for however long i need to until i can move to iowa
4. do i transfer to burlington, not move. help my dad and sis out, by renting a place with them in either burlington or bellingham, where tony works.
5. am i crazy for wanting to move back to iowa
6. yes my grandma june and dad think it's a stupid idea.
7. i am filing for my divorce papers, i have to let my grama june know when it's finaly so she can put me back into her will,. scary
8. i will miss washington if i move.. seriously.. miss..
9. tony wants to end up back in california someday.
10. i tell him he doesn't have an option since we have been living in this bedroom with a stupid red wall for 7 years, yes 7 years..
11. as soon as i am divoced i am going to marry tony.
12. the ring better be awesom
13. should i transfer back to burlignton, save 200 dollars a month in gas and 30 hours of my life not haveing to drive in stupid retarded traffic
14. i really like the executive team in everett. minus some others,  so it sucks
15.. where is the answer fairy when you need her

shit, we are out of toilet paper.

My friend sabrina from texas is up visiting this week, so i took some time off to spend with her. She is such a positive, independent, successful women. It reminds me how much i do need to work on myself, for myself as if no one else matters. Well other people do matter, many.. It is just unfortunate that many people that do matter or either dead or so far away. Which, then i tell myself, erin, it's okay, you do not need someone to unleash all your  negativity upon, find another outlet, turn it into goodness. then i say ok, let's shop, eat, smoke, have a drink. then i say erin, these are material or even worse negative outletws.  So  what.. do I have... so to get to my point, i am on a 7 day off from work, to get some stuff done during the week, see my friend and to just breathe. then i realize. wtf, i should be on vacation somehwere else, staying home, sleeping in, is not making it better. i need to be out, seeing people, enjoying something.
i am totally sabotaging my own life.. because i have become bitter, bitchy and negative. i have been blaming tony, my past, the day for all the things wrong. it's all me, how i perceive, how i handle it. if i am to be happy.. i need to do it on my own for my self, as if no one else matters.
I am unhappy... At this moment, sad... don't know why, i am even tearing up.. so maybe i am starting my period soon, but as of right now.... i feel like no matter what i do , i am not satisfied with myself or anyone. nothing is making it better.
maybe i am stressed because i cannot afford to buy the new skin care line my friend sabrina is a consultant on. it's all natural, non tested on animals, and made in the us, but formulated in sweden. it's awesome stuff, have used it for 2 days, but the 323 price tag, makes me want to scream, because it is not something i could afford on a month to month basis. so it reminds me of i want this lifestyle, products that i cannot afford. i have to remind myself it's ok, i will get the cheaper stuff, which is what i can afford. it's ok,it will work just the same.
so it boils down  to this. tony and i hav been together for i believe 7 years this month, we both do not have a clue on the date, but when ever i got back from iowa after my mom passed in the summer, so     this weekend.
we have never celebrated, any anniversary or anything romantic, and it's all because i stupidly married still.
so yep. the same problems i had in the begining.. um, yep still here, the years go by and i don't change.
so what do i do. piss and moan , get a fake promise from tony and it goes on,
so it is me, my choice not to have the papers signed, which is due to being lazy and stupid.
so i am holding our life back, in every way and yet i blame it all on others
thanks blogg for letting me figure out what my problem is.
i need a cigarett.

I

brucey

so brucey is officially 19 years old this month
we had to take him to the pet emergency because he hadn't stopped coughing for 2 days
he has a collapsed trachea
congestive heart failure
bronchial infection
 he is now on heart medicine, for life, steroids, antibiotics and a coughing tab
 he is actually doing really well, he can no longer wear a collar, only a harness, if we do exercise him, which we can't for a while. he has to have his food dished elevated, so tony's dad built one.
he is more energized than before, which is good, because his lethargy was not due to old age, but his heart, which was incredibly enlarged. we are so lucky we got him in when we did. i could not imagine what i would do to loose him like that. i would be a freaking mess of insanity.. but he is doing great...

the one item that gives me happiness

I have a new coach bag... i am happy about this... even happier that i saved hundreds of dollars on it.. best deal ever. and i am going camping this weekend.. yea 4 days off of work... so happy.

...

Just thought I would say hi.. Haven't really talked to anyone too much lately.. So many changes, so far apart.. I hope everyone is doing well.. I also just wanted to say thank you for the friendships you have brought me and to apologize for any issues in the past.. May your futures bring you much happiness. Good riddence!

move out the way bitch. move out the way...

It has been so long since ihave been on here!
Well it's half way throught the year.  2 months into my new job, about 6 weeks for tony on his!
life is busy.. with us both driving 45 minutes each way to work, in opposite directions. the things we do for jobs and money. so we are still staying in the same area.
My job... well the girls i work with really do not like me .. well, they think i am trying to pin them against each other and break up the team, so everyone will quit and i can get new people in.
so not true. but apparently i have been talking behind their backs to other team members and they are texting each other to tell them what i say,,,, fucking stupid bullshit drama
so my goal is to never ever mention another team members name to a situation.... ever... because when i say.. this is our new goal... what do you think.. so and so doesn't not agree becasue of whatever reason... do you think the same thing.. if so.... why... i will tak this in consideration.
my real diologue should be:
this is our new goal... this is why we will be doing this... do you have any suggestions or ideas on this... i feel it will lead us to be proactive and not reactive if we are all aware and trained in this...
learning curve number one: never mention someone else's negatives to other team member, if you think they are there to help you.. cannot trust that my best interests will be translated correctly.. because apparently they are not.
grrrr. my job is stressful enough... to have drama.. so not cool
we are now headed into a team meeting just the 4 of us, to discuss our feelings and thoughts of the job. i am going to make an action plan and express my expectations once again, before the bitch fest happens.. because i am not going to let overly dramatic controling ocd mothers take the best of me. i know i shouldn't judge, but omg, seriously. just come to work do your job, go home.. no drama.. when i ask you to do something.. just do it.. i will find my way, our team will be totally awesome,i know it.. this is my challenge, nobody said it would be easy, apparently....

LETS GO BANANAS!!!

MONKEY!!! I AM RELEASING THE MONKEY!!!

Hello!!!

I have 4 days left at the burlington macy's. It's been my place of employment for 3 years now. I have gone from holiday hire in signing to sign lead to loosing my job. Only to come back be in hr get the manager position to move to entirely different store.
Yes i will start my new Job as Administrative Support Team Manager on March 7. I will be in charge of about 5 people in a union store... eeeeeekkkkkk!!!! I got an awesome raise, will get full time insurance and vacation . At least 3 weeks!!!!
This is going to be challenging and scary. Which only means i have to do this. I wil have to go down train most of the people working on my team.  Basically start from scratch and build the team up.  They were not allowed to know anything but one specialist area. Which is a no=no. They need to know how to do everything. Since i am so awesome at interpersonal communication, patient, a good teacher, great multi-tasker, organized, efficient, i can push these girls to be awesome too!!! Which is the best part. Everything i worked hard at has paid off, all of my great strengths can be used on this job to make other awesome workers. It may be hard, since i am used to managing people older than i am, most of these girls are young. i may need to practice being patient even more.
I will have to drive about 40 miles to this new job, whihc for me is kind of awesome because i get to drive the new car... wooohooo. Listen to some music and get ready for the day and unwind on my way home. I usually do not drive that far anywhere, i always rely on tony. So that is also something new for me, independence driving. i know my way around the valley and the islands, but,, down south, that's another story.
I am just so excited and nervous at the same time! But, this will allow tony and i to be able to pay our bills and still have money left over, and he will still need to get a job. But, we won't be so strapped, you know. Especially since i am not really smoking
So since i got sick a couple of weeks ago. i ended up gett the h1n1 flu, had a really bad asthma attack ended up in the e.r. i literally couldn't even smoke at all. so for about 2 weeks i didn't. Now i have maybe 3 or 4 a day. not really wanting them. okay i do a couple of times of day. But, we are on our last pack and i don't want a new pack. so if we stop that is like saving 200 dollars a month, that is more than our insurance payment. It's crazy just crazy. So yea for not smoking as much, getting a new job. Now on to loosing some much needed weight. which is possible now because, i have been not able to eat as much./
i keep getting bloated and have been throwing up for the past couple of weeks, like everyday. It's like i am not digesting my food correctly, i know it's a side effect of all the antibiotics and steriods i was on while i was sick. But, it sucks i have to slowly eat my food in really little bites and chew it even smaller. So far today i am good. I am omiting soda,  1 serving of dairy a day( dairy makes you really bloated). and only 2-3 servings of carbs. Lots of fiber mann... So i am hoping this will help my health issues and loose some weight.
I feel like i haven't talked to anyone that much lately. I really hope i can come out this year to visit!!! would be awesome!!!

Take me home...

I who settle myself here
I who has to get it together
I who has to deal with it all
I who has to get the hell out of here.

Why is it when things are hard and unbearable, that I feel the need to run, run far, far, far away?
I can pinpoint it, but why do I stil have the longing?
It all comes down to being little and when things got rough at home i was always sent away. Everyone kept all the bad stuff from me. Shifted from my grama's aunt and uncles, family friends.. All the time. never settled, never stable.
Well all the bad shit in life they kept me from.. Well, bad shit happens to everyone, you can't hide from it nor run from it.
I am finding this so difficult to take out of my programming. I dream of a place to call my own. I am daydreaming my life away, because it's the only things that keeps me sane. So take me away, take me far far away. To a place that i cannot run from, or hide, that feels just fine.
Then i start to think that i am just racing and pushing myself deeper into a whole, because i cannot find the strength to pull myself out, so i think well let's dig alittle, go down a little further, at least i am doing something, right. NO.... i need to get the fuck out fo this hole, this wretched, dark, lonely hole.  A hole i put myself in... A hole that's all my own. And until i get out, i am just gonna go crazy. So i think my mind needs to learn how to climb, dig into the sides of this hold and pull, pull my way to the top, out of the hold and into the sunshine. The warmth of the sun penetrating on my skin, so soft and yet blinding that i do not want to look. But, this heat that bears down is so comforting, that once you feel it, you know. Your home!

Love you, MAN!!!

I have been reminded lately, that boys do cry. they get sad, depressed, and frustrated like their female counterparts. i have been reminded that once again the world doesn't just revolve around me. I also need to take a stand and push even harder if i am committed to making my relationship overcome everything we have been through. The past year has put many, many hardships right into our face. We are still behind and slowly gaining ground. I tend to make hasty decisions and appreciate when people can give me perspective when i do this. Because i have relized that i will not be happy without him, no matter how much i want to runaway. This is my life, he is my everything, no matter how frustrating and hard it can be. We have to be a team, do this together. We have broken a communication barrier, that has been there since the begining. A relization of that we both have to plan our life have goals together and discuss them, no matter how much it hurts.
So here is to tony getting a job, be keeping this job or at least getting a new one soon, if it not be so. We can do this, we will do this. We are all we have right now. It is us vs. the world... And i wouldn't have it anyother way. Mainly because i love him and he loves me and well, when i have lost everything else i know deep in my heart, that is what matters most.

Yes, may i help you... sorry i'm not taking any orders... get it your damn self.. wait, would you like a straw for that?

This has beent the heaviest and most emotional i have ever been while being on the rag. Seriously, i am sooo tired, anxious, bitchy, sad, depressed.. all in one time. they should have a name for it. oh they do.. it's your fucking period. this is crazy. i cannot sleep, then all i do is sleep. i just want to have crazy sex, but that's messy. Then i want to kill people. I am paranoid that everyone hates me at work and i am doing a bad job. Then i want to cry and curl up into a ball and sleep my life away. then i remember i can't do that, because i am the only one making and bringing in money, right now. which adds to the pain of this moment. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Then i am totally crazy juice and fruit, like those fruit a day things that are 2 bucks a pop with chunks of fruit in them. i  am being cheap and not getting them, but it's all i want. fuck this sucks. i just want someone to hold me, but then when i got comfortable i am afraid i would try to ravenously attack them and kill them. Maybe i am a cat, those are my tendencies lately. maybe i should get a cat. this is stupid. i need a vacation. someone should come visit me. or call me. i love myself  today, not like yesterday.......

i am a leader.

one should not work night shift doing inventory for a corporate business, while on the verge of aunt flo coming to visit. i truly was moody, bitchy and well rude. i made a lot of people frustrated and not communicate with me. which i tend to do when i am upset, not communicate, because of my fear of anger setting in at them. it was an interesting 3 days of overnights, which it's now almost 3 and i cannot sleep. go figure. i want to apologize for my behavior, but the recipients did not help with the process. i guess it's complicated. this was my first time being the control desk operator for inventory. with a manager who has been doing it for twenty years. she was helpful, but her style is do what you feel is right, if it turns out wrong, ithen you have learned your lessson. sometimes for particular procedures in a corporate business, i feel that it should be this is how we do it and not leeway, so there isn't room for error, because there isn't room for error, apparently. so frustrating. it's over for the main part, now i just have to participate in the reconciliation process which is more of a loss prevention issue, due to the shortage of what we find during inventory. so i am basically the copier bitch... lol. i will be fine, i wont work until friday and it will be fine. it has to be. another lessoned learned, out the door, and on to new stuff. if i could say all the things i learned in the past 2 months, it would fill a papaerback book. crazy. i should go to sleep now, but i really want a cigarette. and perhaps some hot apple cider. love peace and harmony.

This is mine.

Even though times have been very diffucult for me in the past year. I am thankful for so much. Thankful for my family, friends, dogs, my life. I may feel manic at times and depressed in others. A rollercoster of a year has past. I am hopeful for a new year and begining. A new begining to make something for myself. A hopeful future of  a good job for both tony and i. Never loosing hope that we can make. As a matter of fact we will. This is what i hold on to. Not my past to define me the present that holds me and the future that carry me. I do feel as sometimes i just float, i am taking every chance i have no matter how tough or scared i may be. I probably won't be millionaire, drive a fancy car, or own a mansion. But in my future i will be able to pay my bills, have a car that runs, and a roof over my head that i may say is mine. So many i know have this, and take this for granted because of whatever reason. I am happy no matter where i may end up living, because the address, time zone,  or miles from you i may be. Because, these things are unsignificant to the real things in life.
So this is my ode to 2011. I may not know what it holds for me, but i am keeping my head high, my feet grounded, and my soul encased in hope.

new year.. see you in like 10 minutes!

I'm crazy insanely busy at work. I feel alive, overwhelmed, new, confident, stressed, and did i mention crazy. I may have an opportunity for a management position at a different macy's. It is south of seattle, in a bigger mall, bigger store, more responsibility. But, i need a full time job with benefits, executive position in this company is the only way to go. I am going for it. It's either i get it or i don't. This upcoming 2 weeks will be crazy. inventory, i am in charge of teaching the classes. Did i mention i have no idea what i am doing. So i am reading all weekend for this. oh and did i metion that my first class is monday. Craziness. I will be fine i always am. I can do this. Sorry if i haven't been contacting anyone. Don't have time. The only way is maybe a moment of social networking. My only chance to know what everyone is doing. I spend all day with people, retail, or my desk constantly fixing schedules, budgets, etc.   crazy but i fucking love it. love you all and everything you plan for this new year.

I want a pony for christmas santa!

It has been an emotional week for me. Our financial issue have caused me to be a psycho nagging bitch. Which if someone would just stand up and do their part, i wouldn't have to be. Besides that my work is insane. Managing an office for a retail store. It's totally insane. So it's like i am an administrative assitant to the store manager, which i am in charge of the cash office, secretary to every little thing that happens. So i have to not only please human resources and be their secretary i have to please operations and ensure that everyone is doing their part so i can enter and keep track of everything. So every meeting they have, i enter into the computer and keep track of the progress of safety, the budget, schedules, etc. It's insane and i certainly am not getting paid enough for this responsibility. I love the experience and how it will look on my resume and hopefully help me move up in the company, if the opportunities arise.
also, i was visited by my aunt flo for the first time since i lost the baby. To be honest i was a little heartbroken and relieved at the same time. Heartbroken that i am not pregant( we aren't trying). And relieved that my body is starting to function somewhat properly. also a little scared because what if it happens again.
I had this dream the other night that i had a baby girl. We had to leave her in the hospital longer than i could stay. I couldn't go pick her up, so i made tony do it. Because i didn't want to. Then he brought her back and he was so excited and happy. When i went to hold her i didn't feel a connection, almost like she didn't belong to me, and i didn't want to have anything to do with her. at one point in the dream i left her on the bed, to go to the bathroom. When i came back she was gone and all i could hear was her crying. i eventually found her under the bed. i was upset that i would be blamed for her beign hurt. that's all. I felt the emotions more in this dream than i ever had. I just had not connection and wanted nothing to do with her. But, tony was just beside himself.
This stuff is so emotionally disturbing to me. It's everywhere. People with babies. People pregnant, toy babies in the stores. Babies on tv. ahhhhhh... it's so much and then the holiday season and you know people that aren't here, like my mom. i feel like i am going to cry at everything. i mean just putting ornaments on the tree last night, and all i wanted to do was cry, because i could be having a baby, and i wasn't, and my mom wasn't here and we will be opening presents and no baby. 
I just need to calm down, this is what happens when i get days off , i think. no more. i am done.

Stay up up up!!!

I pray that everything I have been through was to give me strength. The strength to hold on to life. To hold me up and never let me cross that fine line. The one that will snap in a given moment in some. I pray that I hold on to hope.

i have gracefully taken every blow. I fall to the ground, shaken, scared, afraid to react. Then i stand up, dust my self off and contunue on. Right now, i continue until the next hit. So much pain and loss. I have not once given in. So is that my lesson, never give in. Never let the pain take over. What did i do in my past lives that i now need to learn no to be taken over by such devestation.
I write this to a testament to myself. If i were to ever list the shit i have gone through, i wouldn't. My life has been so tough. one thing after another. I am trying to figure out if i am giving enough to this world., if that is the cause of all this mess. So dramatic and life changing, each one. I am just so tired, lost, and mad. Mad at myself for not trying hard enough. I don't want pity, empathy, or encouragement, i just want an answer. One thing just to make it okay. Am i in my right place. Am i what I am. It's like it's out of reach, just past my fingertips, it only shows when the light shimmers over the layer of dust that surrounds the world. I just keep going, day by day. Until that one day when i don't stand up, it will be okay.

AHhhhhh! i start my new job next week.. Money is fucked up.. Stressing me out.. I know it will be fine. it has to. Just when getting this temp job would help us out, it's all we have for the moment. I need to just get shit together. abhhhhh... this year is fucken crazy. I am changing my nail polish. that's my change. tomorrow is better