Take me home...

I who settle myself here
I who has to get it together
I who has to deal with it all
I who has to get the hell out of here.

Why is it when things are hard and unbearable, that I feel the need to run, run far, far, far away?
I can pinpoint it, but why do I stil have the longing?
It all comes down to being little and when things got rough at home i was always sent away. Everyone kept all the bad stuff from me. Shifted from my grama's aunt and uncles, family friends.. All the time. never settled, never stable.
Well all the bad shit in life they kept me from.. Well, bad shit happens to everyone, you can't hide from it nor run from it.
I am finding this so difficult to take out of my programming. I dream of a place to call my own. I am daydreaming my life away, because it's the only things that keeps me sane. So take me away, take me far far away. To a place that i cannot run from, or hide, that feels just fine.
Then i start to think that i am just racing and pushing myself deeper into a whole, because i cannot find the strength to pull myself out, so i think well let's dig alittle, go down a little further, at least i am doing something, right. NO.... i need to get the fuck out fo this hole, this wretched, dark, lonely hole.  A hole i put myself in... A hole that's all my own. And until i get out, i am just gonna go crazy. So i think my mind needs to learn how to climb, dig into the sides of this hold and pull, pull my way to the top, out of the hold and into the sunshine. The warmth of the sun penetrating on my skin, so soft and yet blinding that i do not want to look. But, this heat that bears down is so comforting, that once you feel it, you know. Your home!

Love you, MAN!!!

I have been reminded lately, that boys do cry. they get sad, depressed, and frustrated like their female counterparts. i have been reminded that once again the world doesn't just revolve around me. I also need to take a stand and push even harder if i am committed to making my relationship overcome everything we have been through. The past year has put many, many hardships right into our face. We are still behind and slowly gaining ground. I tend to make hasty decisions and appreciate when people can give me perspective when i do this. Because i have relized that i will not be happy without him, no matter how much i want to runaway. This is my life, he is my everything, no matter how frustrating and hard it can be. We have to be a team, do this together. We have broken a communication barrier, that has been there since the begining. A relization of that we both have to plan our life have goals together and discuss them, no matter how much it hurts.
So here is to tony getting a job, be keeping this job or at least getting a new one soon, if it not be so. We can do this, we will do this. We are all we have right now. It is us vs. the world... And i wouldn't have it anyother way. Mainly because i love him and he loves me and well, when i have lost everything else i know deep in my heart, that is what matters most.

Yes, may i help you... sorry i'm not taking any orders... get it your damn self.. wait, would you like a straw for that?

This has beent the heaviest and most emotional i have ever been while being on the rag. Seriously, i am sooo tired, anxious, bitchy, sad, depressed.. all in one time. they should have a name for it. oh they do.. it's your fucking period. this is crazy. i cannot sleep, then all i do is sleep. i just want to have crazy sex, but that's messy. Then i want to kill people. I am paranoid that everyone hates me at work and i am doing a bad job. Then i want to cry and curl up into a ball and sleep my life away. then i remember i can't do that, because i am the only one making and bringing in money, right now. which adds to the pain of this moment. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Then i am totally crazy juice and fruit, like those fruit a day things that are 2 bucks a pop with chunks of fruit in them. i  am being cheap and not getting them, but it's all i want. fuck this sucks. i just want someone to hold me, but then when i got comfortable i am afraid i would try to ravenously attack them and kill them. Maybe i am a cat, those are my tendencies lately. maybe i should get a cat. this is stupid. i need a vacation. someone should come visit me. or call me. i love myself  today, not like yesterday.......

i am a leader.

one should not work night shift doing inventory for a corporate business, while on the verge of aunt flo coming to visit. i truly was moody, bitchy and well rude. i made a lot of people frustrated and not communicate with me. which i tend to do when i am upset, not communicate, because of my fear of anger setting in at them. it was an interesting 3 days of overnights, which it's now almost 3 and i cannot sleep. go figure. i want to apologize for my behavior, but the recipients did not help with the process. i guess it's complicated. this was my first time being the control desk operator for inventory. with a manager who has been doing it for twenty years. she was helpful, but her style is do what you feel is right, if it turns out wrong, ithen you have learned your lessson. sometimes for particular procedures in a corporate business, i feel that it should be this is how we do it and not leeway, so there isn't room for error, because there isn't room for error, apparently. so frustrating. it's over for the main part, now i just have to participate in the reconciliation process which is more of a loss prevention issue, due to the shortage of what we find during inventory. so i am basically the copier bitch... lol. i will be fine, i wont work until friday and it will be fine. it has to be. another lessoned learned, out the door, and on to new stuff. if i could say all the things i learned in the past 2 months, it would fill a papaerback book. crazy. i should go to sleep now, but i really want a cigarette. and perhaps some hot apple cider. love peace and harmony.

This is mine.

Even though times have been very diffucult for me in the past year. I am thankful for so much. Thankful for my family, friends, dogs, my life. I may feel manic at times and depressed in others. A rollercoster of a year has past. I am hopeful for a new year and begining. A new begining to make something for myself. A hopeful future of  a good job for both tony and i. Never loosing hope that we can make. As a matter of fact we will. This is what i hold on to. Not my past to define me the present that holds me and the future that carry me. I do feel as sometimes i just float, i am taking every chance i have no matter how tough or scared i may be. I probably won't be millionaire, drive a fancy car, or own a mansion. But in my future i will be able to pay my bills, have a car that runs, and a roof over my head that i may say is mine. So many i know have this, and take this for granted because of whatever reason. I am happy no matter where i may end up living, because the address, time zone,  or miles from you i may be. Because, these things are unsignificant to the real things in life.
So this is my ode to 2011. I may not know what it holds for me, but i am keeping my head high, my feet grounded, and my soul encased in hope.

new year.. see you in like 10 minutes!

I'm crazy insanely busy at work. I feel alive, overwhelmed, new, confident, stressed, and did i mention crazy. I may have an opportunity for a management position at a different macy's. It is south of seattle, in a bigger mall, bigger store, more responsibility. But, i need a full time job with benefits, executive position in this company is the only way to go. I am going for it. It's either i get it or i don't. This upcoming 2 weeks will be crazy. inventory, i am in charge of teaching the classes. Did i mention i have no idea what i am doing. So i am reading all weekend for this. oh and did i metion that my first class is monday. Craziness. I will be fine i always am. I can do this. Sorry if i haven't been contacting anyone. Don't have time. The only way is maybe a moment of social networking. My only chance to know what everyone is doing. I spend all day with people, retail, or my desk constantly fixing schedules, budgets, etc.   crazy but i fucking love it. love you all and everything you plan for this new year.

I want a pony for christmas santa!

It has been an emotional week for me. Our financial issue have caused me to be a psycho nagging bitch. Which if someone would just stand up and do their part, i wouldn't have to be. Besides that my work is insane. Managing an office for a retail store. It's totally insane. So it's like i am an administrative assitant to the store manager, which i am in charge of the cash office, secretary to every little thing that happens. So i have to not only please human resources and be their secretary i have to please operations and ensure that everyone is doing their part so i can enter and keep track of everything. So every meeting they have, i enter into the computer and keep track of the progress of safety, the budget, schedules, etc. It's insane and i certainly am not getting paid enough for this responsibility. I love the experience and how it will look on my resume and hopefully help me move up in the company, if the opportunities arise.
also, i was visited by my aunt flo for the first time since i lost the baby. To be honest i was a little heartbroken and relieved at the same time. Heartbroken that i am not pregant( we aren't trying). And relieved that my body is starting to function somewhat properly. also a little scared because what if it happens again.
I had this dream the other night that i had a baby girl. We had to leave her in the hospital longer than i could stay. I couldn't go pick her up, so i made tony do it. Because i didn't want to. Then he brought her back and he was so excited and happy. When i went to hold her i didn't feel a connection, almost like she didn't belong to me, and i didn't want to have anything to do with her. at one point in the dream i left her on the bed, to go to the bathroom. When i came back she was gone and all i could hear was her crying. i eventually found her under the bed. i was upset that i would be blamed for her beign hurt. that's all. I felt the emotions more in this dream than i ever had. I just had not connection and wanted nothing to do with her. But, tony was just beside himself.
This stuff is so emotionally disturbing to me. It's everywhere. People with babies. People pregnant, toy babies in the stores. Babies on tv. ahhhhhh... it's so much and then the holiday season and you know people that aren't here, like my mom. i feel like i am going to cry at everything. i mean just putting ornaments on the tree last night, and all i wanted to do was cry, because i could be having a baby, and i wasn't, and my mom wasn't here and we will be opening presents and no baby. 
I just need to calm down, this is what happens when i get days off , i think. no more. i am done.

Stay up up up!!!

I pray that everything I have been through was to give me strength. The strength to hold on to life. To hold me up and never let me cross that fine line. The one that will snap in a given moment in some. I pray that I hold on to hope.

i have gracefully taken every blow. I fall to the ground, shaken, scared, afraid to react. Then i stand up, dust my self off and contunue on. Right now, i continue until the next hit. So much pain and loss. I have not once given in. So is that my lesson, never give in. Never let the pain take over. What did i do in my past lives that i now need to learn no to be taken over by such devestation.
I write this to a testament to myself. If i were to ever list the shit i have gone through, i wouldn't. My life has been so tough. one thing after another. I am trying to figure out if i am giving enough to this world., if that is the cause of all this mess. So dramatic and life changing, each one. I am just so tired, lost, and mad. Mad at myself for not trying hard enough. I don't want pity, empathy, or encouragement, i just want an answer. One thing just to make it okay. Am i in my right place. Am i what I am. It's like it's out of reach, just past my fingertips, it only shows when the light shimmers over the layer of dust that surrounds the world. I just keep going, day by day. Until that one day when i don't stand up, it will be okay.

AHhhhhh! i start my new job next week.. Money is fucked up.. Stressing me out.. I know it will be fine. it has to. Just when getting this temp job would help us out, it's all we have for the moment. I need to just get shit together. abhhhhh... this year is fucken crazy. I am changing my nail polish. that's my change. tomorrow is better

3 libras

that's what i have in my life, my dad on the 11th, tony on the 6th, and me on the 18th... i had a great time on saturday when my dad and sister came over. we celebrated all of our birthdays. i made homemade lasagna( that was amazing, thank you very much). drank some wine, watched a movie, then had pumpkin pie. my sister and dad got tony a new book and a seattle seahaws t-shirt, he loved it  of course. then she got me a new purse, (yea) and soem bath and body works set, i think it's called dark kiss, well whatever, it's amazing., and it came in a cool purple bathtub! it was fun to have my family , the dogs and just hang out. Then with tony's parents gone, even tho i miss them, it's nice to have the house to ourselves! it's like our very own vacation. Then yesterday tony gave me his present early. He got me some new perfume! so i should be smelling good for a while, mmmm i wonder if this means they think i smell bad. any who, it's been a good week, i had a few days off, and i go back for 3 full days, then off for my birthday , and to pick them up at the airport in seattle , on my birthday. so i am hoping they will take me out to olive garden. i'm getting my hair done today. nothing major, just up keep . wish i could go short again, but i am trying to grow it out, it's just since well the loss , i have so much calcium in my body, i have long nails, and my hair is growing thicker, and it's crazy just like 6 weeks ago , i had my hair done, and it's like it's been 3 months. so yes it's been 6 weeks since the miscarriage. i am better about it. i am not as sad, but when i see babies, or families, on t.v. or wherever, it makes me tear up because i still want that, i honestly thought it would pass, but truly it hasn't this is what i want. but, enough of that, i will 30 in less than a week, i am starting a new job, sooooo here's to positively good new stuff!!!!!!

new job!

So i finally got the administrative support team supervisor position. which basically means i am in charge of the cash office, assistant to the store manager and human resources manager. which i will have my own office, have more reponsibilites as in scheduling the two cash office associates, interview schedules and matching managers to the schedule, scheduling computer based training, on-line paperwork, for new associates. Attending lots of meetings and taking lots of notes. So this will be an awesome experience. i am doing this position while my current supervisor is on maternity leave. So i am hoping i can overcome my flaw of feeling bad when i have to tell people bad things,... something i will definately over come. being more assertive goes along with this. which i am having a in balance issue with this, due to the other position i once had as a manager, when i was too assertive, had two employees quit because of me, and lost some friends, due to me being too bitchy. so now i am not assertive enough i need to become this. not because i have to but because i have a tendency to sugar coat things, so i don't hurt people's feelings. i have no problem doing this in my own personal life. so why as a professional do i feel like i can't. because i do not want people to hate me. i know if my friends and family think i am bitchy they will still love me. but, strangers, co workers.  so i am going to work on this, do my best and be myself. i will have this job for 4 months, and if she decides to not come back or leave soon after she comes back i could have it full time. so wish me luck. i will be busy, stressed and well back to my regular work self, hopefully. 

Bring me love...

I have some awesome news!!! i spoke with  mike last week about getting this divorce taken care of. He has gone to our lawyer to make sure that all of the paperwork is sign correctly. Then the lawyer is just going to page where i need to sign. So hopefully i will be going down in a couple of weeks to do this. Then the he said he could have it filed going through court in a month. So I am only counting on that it could be possible that i will be free by the end of the year. I am not going to believe it until i see it. But, this means that i also don't have to pay for it myself, and i no longer have to worry about it who has to sign what and send to here and show up,, blah, blah , blah. So here is to hoping one thing will go right this year.

also since i am going to be turning stupid 30 in like 2 weeks. I want the following to happen:
  get the job as adminstrative support team supervisor, temporary, possibly leading into full -time!!!
 Tony to pass his border patrol test on my birthday.... Just send out good vibes, please!!!
To not be sick.....
All of this things mentioned could bring endless possibilities to our future. Who knows where it will take us or how far we can go... Things are needing to change. It's been such a hard year, which so many obstacles weighing us down..It can only get better right, and they were all things that were uncontrolled. i could have never ever prevented any of them. So here's to trying to somewhat have control on our future.

sick days.

so on top off everything else in my life. i have managed to get sick. i have a sinus infection, which is gone due to my antibiotics i took earlier this week, but i had to go back on wednesday, get chest x-rays, no pneumonia thank god!!! but, i had to have my oxygen level tested, be put on a nebulizer, which helped tremendously. to find out that i have asthma.  which i did have sports asthma in school. but this is different, i tried to move some boxes at work on friday, only across the hall, and i coudln't breathe, at all. i was also prescribed a steroid to open up my bronchial tubes for a couple of days, it make me so hyper, anxious, restless, that i hardly slept for 2 days. it helped, but now it's been a week, i still feel shitty and my ears are still plugged up, my nose runs, and i cough. due to which i haven't been smoking so that's a plus. i am just tired, and don't feel good, i want it to go away. im afraid i will have to go back to the dr, to have my ears drained, because i hate the feeling of them being so plugged up. it seems i always get sick at the beginging of fall. so stupid, this stupid cold and flu shit....

I heart you!!!

I probably shouldn't talk about this but, very few of you know who i will be talking about. A really good friend of mine and jerei( don't tell him i told anyone, i just need to get this off my chest,please!) has been diagnosed with lung cancer. She found out a week after her friend i helped take care of for her passed. She has been feeling it for about 5 months now. They cannot pin point the exact spot, so they cannot remove it, give chemo( which she will refuse anyways). It will most likely move into her esophogus, liver, and then bones. She has lost 30 pounds since i have seen her, which has been only over a month. She looks so bad, her eye sight is going. So i met up with and had lunch with her today and went shopping. I just cannot believe it. She was like my other mom and i don't want her to go. She is such a neat lady has been though so much herself, she doesn't deserve to go out like this. But, it makes me wonder if you go though so much in life is the end really dramatic as well. It seems to be a trend... And all i could do is ball my eyes out when we went to leave, poor thing even held me, though her chest feels like it's on fire and it hurts to the touch..So i will be strong for her, even though she says she wants to be alone in the end. bullshit, she cannot be alone, i have always promised i would be there. As much as she will let me, she is a damn stubborn lady. I guess i have had her in my life for so long, that it would seem just so wrong for her to be gone. If it wasn't for her i would have never left mike and made it though that time in my life. The first time i met her is when i lived in our little pink house on 4th street, right up from the warf, and she came knocking on my door, wondering if i had seem any ferrets. I hadn't, but she lost one of hers. From then on.... she has been there, making me food, gabbing, smoking, drinking, just being there. When i moved 4 blocks down from here, i used to loose wiley my dad's dog ( lived with me at the time) he always went to her hours to get food and play with the ferets, she would call me up and ask if i was missing wiley again, of course..This is going to be especially hard for jerei, he is like the son she never had, that's how there bond is... So if you talk to him just don't mention it until he does, cause he's like that. But, we don't know how long she has, so just keep her in your prayers and thoughts, please!!!

i can't think of a cool title for this... so i am calling this.. i can't think of a cool title!

So i go back to the doctor in a week for my pap. i also need to mention that the pelvic pressure i felt when everything was happening, started about a month before that. not a lot, but like for a minute every once in a while. i even looked it up on line under pelvic pain... nothing about being pregnant. so i looked it up again. and low and behold it's all about pregnancy. also tailbone pain in added in with that too, and it started like 3 days before. So many signs added up that why did i notice. but, watching the show i didn't know i was pregnant. lots of women went through what i did, ended up being pregnant and didn't know it, they all ended up having a baby, but they didn't know... it just made me feel better knowing i am not stupid and at least i know the symptoms now, and i am aware as all women should if even if you are not in the putting pregnancy in your world at the moment.. just know it! know what to look for, because it can happen even if you are on the pill, tubes tied. amazing how when something wants to come into the world it just does....
I am also going to need to discuss my behaviors since then, more like my mood swings. it's like one comment sets me off, and i freak out. I don't want to, and after i let it out, i just cry because i know it didn't mean anything, i wasn't really pissed off, just frustrated. Also, i go from abeing happy, to sad, to angry, to blah, in a matter of a wink of the eye. So i have been doing all this looking up symptoms, and did you know that post traumatic stress is a possibility. since what happened was traumatic, followed by depression. The ativan the dr. gave me helps, i have been taking it everyday, once i know i won't be driving, which is usually after dinner, it definately helps! But, something has to give... i can't go on like this...I know it takes time and patience to deal with this, but i am tired of feeling like my head is going to explode. Along with my headaches, my bp going back up, my stomach problems, the constant anxiety which turns into either a anger flare or a sob fest...I guess was not prepared for this type of loss. I could deal with everything else that has happened to me, i am strong i move on.. But, this girls..... maybe i have been pushing too much aside in my life and moving along too soon! It's like my mind and body have slowed down and it's making me deal with it on a level i have never experienced. I just have to believe everything will work out! That's all i can do. So i have  alot to discuss with my dr. maybe I will look into finding a group or going to a therapist, again. I think that it's more than this loss, i think it's all of my losses, pain, and stress thoughout my life just bursted it's bubble.  I know i;ll be fine..I have to be, i need to. Not just for myself, but for tony.. He';s been so good to me, being there, being the brunt of my madness, the should i lean to.
I just really need to be stronger. I need to do this!  I need to show tony that i cannot be broken... I have stood so long.. Now it just feels like i want to fall. But, no i will not. We have to be strong as a team, a couple, for the sake of our future. Because we are going to have an awesome one, with or with out babies. Definately more pomeranians!! okay enough of this! i made really good spaghetti and meatballs today. i can focus on my cooking, it relaxes me and makes me feel important. until i get our of this forsaken place, which will happen! i must march on... I will not do harm unto other under this house... which i want to sometimes. I will place my anger towards something positive... It's times like these i wish i had a piano. it used to save me from my mother. I guess it wasnt saving me, but i felt safe, invincible. In a world i knew wouldn't tear me down... And what the hell did i do in a previous life that i need to constantly keep myself afloat from such tragedy, grief, and disappointment. Maybe because i don't see it like that until someone mentions it. It's just my life day by day. I mean so many people go through sooo much more that i do. And they can make it! i have the strength, power, and love!!! And anyone who reads this... if any of this makes sense, well i'm glad because i sure as hell don't feel like i am. and im too tired to read it back. maybe tomorrow. maybe never.... is it bad luck to always read what you wrote.. should you wait a while. or if you don't will it change... whatever... i'm rambling because im tired. Its also a full moon tonite! i should get out the chalk.. if you put it on warts it goes away. if you tie a ribbon in your hair and draw a picture ofwhat you desire and then put it over the body part it corresponds to it will come true. of course the color has to match the type of desire. my grama used to tell me that. we would do it when i was little. funny how little things make you want to go back.,just be little for a moment and revel in it! i think i have some yellow ribbon...mmmmmmm.. well good nite!

I need to be rebalanced, ladies!!!

who knew i would still feel so lost, sad, and just sooo blah... Everytime i hear someone is pregnant, then i read an article about someone looising a baby, then it's on t,.v. then they are at work, everyone. everyone has babies, or has lost babies. I just can't take this... It makes me hopeful yet scared, that I may never or i will end up being pregnant with twins, ok it runs in my family, my grandma june is a twin. so i'm just so whatever. i look down at my belly, and never before in my life have really wanted a baby in there. I feel like i am going crazy. First of all i would have never admitted this to anyone, yet here I am telling the world, well my world. I just want baby clothes and baby things and all i think about is baby baby baby....fuck.......yes if iam not thinking about babies i want to just have sex, sex sex.. That's it i am positively just going insane right now. I know that with the hormones of pregnancy going out of my body, oh yea one more month of that, plus the hormones of birth control... And the loss of a baby, i just want it. So i am hoping all of this will just calm down and i will just be ok... Well, at least a less insane moody freaky forgettful, klumzy girl. Crazy girl.. I really just want some peanut m&m's like right now.. so need some, but i guess i can just go for some dried fruit mix, which is fine, i just need a good girl night with laughing, crying, wine, cigarettes, some good fucken groovin music, and a strange bed. just i need to go on a vacation somehwere and stay in a hotel, with a massage, pool, hottub, my girlz... Shit.. i need a fucken awesome vacation... or even a nite away, from this room, these moments, just away, an unknown away, ya know, just to rebalance!

Up and away...

Have courage for the greatest sorrows of life and patience for the small ones, and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily tasks, go to sleep in peace.. GOD IS AWAKE.
( Victor Hugo, Frech poet and writer)


To love means never to be afraid of the windstorms of life: should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the beauty of the carvings.  ( Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, swiss born american psychiatrist and writer)


To be nobody but yourself-in a world which is doing it's best to make you like everyone else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting. ( e.e. cummings, english poet)

FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES AND WE FORIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US.( the lord's prayer)

Sometimes the quotes of others inspires me to look beyond my own self and remember that something larger is at work here. Something I may have created.. It's life... My life... It's hard , sad, and can tear you down... But when you look up what do you see...I just hope you never tell me.. Because for each one of us it's differnt.. To me that makes it all worth while... My life... my something large and powerfull... It's all mine..I don't know why all of these things happen to me and why I need to learn all of these lessons... But I will go on until it's my time to turn down the sheets and visit the stars...

Always on my mind

I love this song. tho it was a sad one, it reminds me of being little out on the farm with my mom and dad and the record player going and willie playing in the backround. it just makes me feel like i am home!

Within

Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds that light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest to us.( Johannes Eckhart, german mystic)