i hold hands with a ghost...

When i think of times i had you at my side, i sigh. knowing you were just there, satisfied me so. i can't recall the your scent or even your voice. i do know your face and how you would always comfort my pains. to a time all i wanted to say to you was a yelling threat of words, trailed by resentedment, pain, and the promises you never kept. these are things i throw back in my head at night as i cry. to know i had you,whenever i would call. Just the thought of your exit, inflicts pain, unimaginable by the naked eye. i ask forgiveness, for i fear i can't forgive you. if only i could let go, just once and be centered that i had you for a reason and that time is only a fragment of reality. then i could rejoice, knowing when i go home you will be thre, at my side with the smell of your skin and the throbbing hum of your voice as i go to sleep. but to stop and be happy with my memories, is the hardest task,that I endure. I keep it with me all the time, wishing i could just empty my pocket and throw it all away. but, you as well as i, know throwing things away,only leaves us empty. I don't want to throw you away, just push the pain aside. I am just afraid that when i do, i will have to stop holding hands with you.

i don't have a title for this...

so this has been a couple of hard weeks for me and my family. we have dealt with a close friends, death, wrongful death at the hospital, she was only 39 with 3 kids, awesome house, tons of money, lots of friends, family, the whole shebang. now she's gone. the funeral was really emotional for me, it reminded me of my mom and mike and tony's grandma and everyone else i have lost indirrectly or not. i cried a lot, more than i was expecting. i felt embarrased because i was crying for her kids and how we as a family were going to miss her, especially tony's mom, they were best friends. so it made me realize. life is so short. thinking about maybe doing something, but never putting foot upon our goals, because we are too damn comfortable with what we do in our routines, to change. how pathetic. really, i have been lately, i have a job that i love going to every morning. even though it pays shitty, and the hours are bad. i have a great family system and support at home, even though it drives me crazy. my dad and sister are alive and like everyone else struggling to make it, but that's how they roll. my cars all work, i eat well, smoke, sometimes have an occasional drinky for relaxation. i mean i am so damn comfortable i am totally afraid to move on and take the risk and fear of paying my bills, working more than i want to , not wasting my money and doing all my extra time in for others, well, as we have all been blogging about what we should do and why life sucks. maybe we need to sit back and realize , it doesn't if i was in irag or thailand as a prostitue or being raped everyday in the work fields, or having to beg for food, not having anyone at all or living in my own hell of dependency on drugs, booze, men and abuse, then i would profoundly be worrying how to kill my self or someone else to survive. so that's not me or any of us. we have it so good, yet we pity ourselves into thinking we can't do it. well, if one of those unfortunate people in really bad circumstances, can make it out, go to school, have jobs and take care of kids, because they have no other choice. well, i have no other choice, but to be the best i can be. that's all their is to it. and if in the end i spent years in college have no clue, what to do with my degree or skill, well i keep going on, because if i don't i could be one of those unfrotunate souls. i don't want that for me or any of us. so i am giving my self a goal. i am signing up for some sort of schooling for the fall. then i will work another job this summer, to save up and tony and i will be in a place, definately okay, i don't have a goal on that, but, this is personal. and i know i can make the school thing for this fall.

eyeliner

so i guess i should blog according to kristen or the monkey will be after me? whatever i am the monkey and i cannot go after myself, or can i. or is the monkey really something else. ahhh who knows. so i am currently trying to get my anti spyware program to work and it's fucken retarded, i think i totally deleted everything when i went to uninstall it so i could register and reactivate it. whatever, whoever designed this, is fucken pissing me off. so i am waiting for a new reactivation code and stuff so i spent $50 on this crap. also, tony has a bad tooth and the flu this week, so we went to the er on tues. he got antibiotics and some pain meds and he goes to the dentist on tues, for x-rays and for them to check it out before they pull his teeth out and fix the cavities. men, they need to see doctors more often, so i have decided that when he needs to go i am just going to make the appt. myself, so there he can't fight that one.i went shopping with jean today and that was super fun, she should get the results of her mri and other mammogram next week, hopefully on monday. so then we could possibly find out what is going on so she can get her biopsy done, and figure what to do from there! oh and tony actually went out with the guys from work for beers. it's about time. he never goes anywhere to do that, or hang out with anyone else, really. unless, his friends get time off from their kids and they all live further away, so that doesn't happen very often. so i am just chillin and eating swedish rye cracker with mushroom swiss spread and veggie dip i made, and an orange soda, not so healthy but, it's soothing me because i am stressed out about the computer. alicia is sick, too and i hope she finally realizes how much medicine really can be good for her and that she gets better, so there, she can be so stubborn at times. that's ok, i am difficult and don't like people to tell me i am wrong or need to do something, so we all have our weaknesses, with usually stem from being stubborn. so kristen now that i have blogged are you actually going to call me sometime or what. so that's it and i need a cigarette and yes i love them. oh and the eyeliner thing, i have finally discovered black eyeliner, use it correctly and i look fucken hot, i should take a picture tomorrow and put new pictures up, so look for them this weekend. my sister's can rose, which is suppossed to be mine, had 4 babies, a black, grey, grey tabby, and tan tabby, almost like lilly, i am taking pictures on sunday, so look for those next week. i am done, my hand hurts and i need to conversate with some one . who should i call, or who will actually answer?

Where have all the raimbows gone?

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So this is for the fact that sometimes i totally feel like just running away from my life. i start to feel it all caving in, like everything is just nothing, my life isn't what i want it to be and i'm just not happy with what it's become. I go through these moods, then come on i can't control them. i totally try everything to stop them.i have no motivation to go and work out or do anything out of my comfort. and i think that's my problem,just doing what i need to do and not worry about what might happen or what others think. but these moods, lately they are repetitive and i get in a funk and it drains me. i feel lonely, lost, our of place, and out of body. i don't know who i am and i just want to run away and leave all of this behind because i feel wasted and useless. so i just wanted to talk about that, then i remember that people are dying to just have somewhere to live a little bit of money ane some foods to eat. i am lucky i have great friends, life and all thatjazz. it's up to me to make it worthwhile and better and do things to improve them.

it's an upsidey weird thingy!

so the news is that my friend hasn't had her surgery yet, her arteries and veins were so coroted and her heart was in such bad condition that she couldn't even have a biopsy, so they are suppossed to do that either today or tuesday, then she will let me know, they really don't even know what it is, they think it's cancer, but it looks so weird, that they are having specialists from seattle come up this week. i just pray she will make it through this. and that this can be the end to her suffering, like jerei said, she does need new karma! would could she have possibly done to deserve this and she doesn need to rethink her brain. so if everyone could possibly put some prayers in for her, it would mean so much to me and jerei! so that is the news.

too close to home!

Something came to my attention, that i have never had to deal with personally. Something that i always heard others have or taken care of but, i thought i have finally gone through enough, then it hits. My good friend jean, has come down with breast cancer, She has to have both of them removed on friday, It has currently also gone to her lymph nodes. so the doctors don't think it is very good, and that she possibly couldn't be looking at a terminal cancer situation. all with in a week, to find out,get tests, surgery, recover, then possibly not make it! I don't think she has realized it or accepted and i know i haven't either. it is just so much. since she doesn't really have anyone, i am going to go with her on friday, and she will be in mt. vernon at their cancer center, so i will only be 10 minutes away. hopefully she can get a hole of jerei soon, so maybe he can come up and support her and keep me company. i just don't think i am ready to loose her, i have come to know her as a friend, mother, and even though we haven't really been that close in the last couple of years, i just don't know if i can handle it. i know i can but, i don't want to. this record of loosing someone close every 2 years, well, it might keep on track. i doh't like it, but they happen, it's like you can feel it, gosh that's horrible, i couldn't imagine, not having her to talk to ,yea know, and not even close to imagine how she must feel, she has alreay gone through so much in her life, she deserves, to have it good, once ya know and be relaxed. i just hope the tests come out better than she thinks and it will all be over soon and she can get on with her life. i love her like a mom and feel like being selfish, ya know. okay i will keep you updated and maybe i should just call jerei myself and have him call her!

recycling!!!

So i am giving your some useful information into saving the environment and getting free products! From March 10-May 10 you can recycle any used bottle caps( they do not recycle, did not know that) through any aveda store or through the mail. i got this information from SHAPE MAGAZINE. I went to the site shape.com/aveda, but it does not exist so i wrote to the magazine. hopefully we can get the information of the details for this event. it would be really exciting to be able to save these items form going into landfills and destroying lives of baby animals who swallow these materials and end up dying of malnutrion. how horrible is that, i couldn't believe that people wouldn't recycle this and why is this stuff ending up in our oceans and other bodies of water. so i think it would be so beneficial to be part of this process, and get a free product from the company. so i will let you know on the details if i get any. Go green not mean!

yea !!!! i am groovy!

so i officially have a new phone! still so excited about it! my first phone all by myself, well sort of, whatever, it's mine. and it's the perfect plan and i am sure i have let everyone else know so yea call me i love it! until i actually have to pay the bill. but, i will be responsible and do it myself , thank you very much. so it is way cute and red and really cute! can't you just hear me say that like really fast, i know you can. anyways, i am tired my eyes hurt and i am going out for a smokie and some coffee,then a asprin and then dinner. yea yea yea! phone for erin

phone

so i just want to let everyone know that my phone has been suspeneded. so you can reach me at tony's number. if you don't know it, call alicia and get it from her. so i am going phone shopping with my sister for a new cell phone. so wish us luck.

crazy times, crazy times!

so as wonderful as i looked and felt this morning, it didnt'turn out as well as i planned it to. first of all i had to prep for a sale today, it was so awesome, i was almost done, totally confident that this was the best prep i have ever done, so much more confident in exactly where things were. then it hit, we had to set it as well. which was really frustrating because one of my sections only came down for today, so i had to put it back up, not very good time management! i was upset for a while, then realized it only took me 2 extra hours to set, good thing i am awesome at preping now! so i just wanted to vent because the sale was for tomorrow then changed for today, frustrating is what it is! it's okay i get extra hours and i still get to come it tomorrow for some more hours!

it's me!!!

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French art and Italian dessert?

So my saturday was a really good one this weekend. i sometimes hate the weekends, because i end up being at home and cleaning or doing laundry, and always looking for something to do. So yesterday Tony and i went down the seattle museum of art or the "SAM". It was really neat, haven't been to an art museum in a while. Too bad it was opening day for the exhibit from the louvre and family day, but we managed. They had a good size exhibit of the roman culture from the Louvre museum in Paris. It was so cool to see these statues that were carved by hand, so detailed and done so many centuries ago! you could actually see the dates carved in them! to imagine up close that people were around then and lived in a culture pretty close to ours, considering we don't really sacrifice or brutally kill as much. but, it's very similar, too bad all the things in between had to bring us down. To know that they showed their status by clothing, hairdo's and material possessions just as much as we do, well it was neat! The religious aspect was really interesting, all the cults that the romans and were a part of that to me aren't really cults, just more like separate spiritual beliefs. my favorite mural, was of a roman slaying a bull, can't remember his name, but with all the zodiac signs looking down at him in a circle. it was so detailed and to know we still rely on these symbols of future, is just amazing. Besides all the wonder and amazement, tony still seemed to get in trouble. he got yelled at for touching a mural, which he didn't even do and then they said he was standing too close, and the security lady was really bitchy. oh well, it's never a dull moment with that man! We went around and looked at all the other artwork and exhibits, which to me i love looking at paintings and just starring at all the brushstrokes and i thought tony was going to die of boredom. we looked at everything in about 2 hours. then enjoyed some gelato and a corner dessert place down the road from the parking garage! it was a really good date and so pleased that i have someone to do those things with, even if he causes trouble!

the money

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the end of the week! yea yea yea!!!

So today was a rather stressful day! first of all i had to be at work at 4 in the morning, which meant i got up at 3, that wasn't so bad, my windows weren't all fogged over and i acutally got to work 15 minutes early! i waited for the girl to come let me in, and none of our codes worked. then the security buzzer went off because we tried it too much! sucky! then we went to the other store to help then out for a while, we fianlly got in at around 4:45. which put us like an hour behind. which was so stressful, because i didn't have time to fully prep for the one-day sale on top of morning specials and does this for my four departments, which consist of intimate apparel, juniors, better sportswear, and moderate apparell. it took forever, even with help from someone, we didn't get out of there until 10, which was an hour past our time. not only did that happen i even stayed late by 3 hours yesterday just to get prepped some what. so friggen frustrating. then they called and wanted me to come in tomorrow for more set-up, because they figured it was ok, earlier in the week when we told them no one was scheduled and there were specials to put up. so i am not calling back to work tomorrow, because that would put me at 8 days in a row, no over time. and i want a day off! so i just feel so frustrated and i know i made some mistakes and missed some signs, because i was rushing just to get done. ahhhhh, i can't wait until the other girl comes back from prego leave! then life will be grand. other than that i am good had my shower ate some lunch, watch untamed heart, i heart christian slater so much! tomorrow we might go down to the museum in seattle to see the opening of the roman statue exhibit, i bet it will be awsesome! can't wait! so talk at you all later, gator!

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To the one i love!

so this is the incredibly cute card tony got me for valentines day! i love penguins, he gets me one every year, i have a cute penguin cookie jar! and the card, omg, so awesome! and these flowers are so pretty pink and purple. he usually gets me roses, ( so cliche).I really love these flowers, even when i tell him let's not celebrate or let's do it another day, he suprises me every time. like last year he bought all the fixings for me to make spaghetti dinner, before he had to go to work. and got me flowers and chocholate! he can be romantic, when it's necessary, which is more than i give him credit for. so this is a dedication to the man i consider the greatest and knows me better than i know myself, but's up with my crazy mood swimgs, grumpy mornings and still loves me no matter what, did i mention he thinks i look better without make-up, i thinking he just tries to make me feel better, but it's bullshit! so this one is for you tony, i love you forever!

weekend update...

So since i didn't get paid till friday, i got tony a travel case and all the goodies for his psp, he absolutely loved it! then i took us out to dinner for chinese and we went and saw fool's gold, it was so funny! great date movie. i think we are doing pretty well, sometimes' when i look at him i totally cannot picture my life with out him. even seeing another man some what nakes, only makes me think of him and how i wamt him. it's funny how that works. then yesterday we went to my dad's and low and behold my sister had a job interview for mc donald's. she got the job and starts orientation on tues. it's at the one by my house so i am going to pick her up and take her home that nite. it's so awesome for her to finally get a job! she keeps telling me that her childhood is over and i am like it's been over for a while honey, you are 19. she'll get in the groove of things and i think she will actually love working. so yea for her! now it's sunday i worked fro 4 house and i am off until tues.then off on wednesday, work thursday and friday. off on saturday work sun -thurs. what the hell ever, then i have a 4 day weekend, my schedule sucks, but it's a job and it works. so that is all for now.

i am blogging!!!

Okay everybody i am officially blogging. geez 14 comments, that's a big one for me. so yes i am okay, just really busy with working, going to the gym, and doing home things. getting up at 4 and and not getting home until 2 them cleaning, cooking, working out, pleasing tony and my dog who has to be up my butt all the time, we are walking for 20 minutes everyday and he won't let me forget it. so sorry. well, i hope everyone else is doing well. i have lost about 4 pounds in my goal of trying to loose some weight and be healthy, but i think i gained it all back this week with my intake of a very good cream puff. i love the french. and their baking and un.. not so much the calories of what i injested, but damb it was soooo good! hope everyone had a great valentine's day! i was going to take a picture of the things i got, but i left my camera in the toyota. oh yea i am now officially driving the truck, tony is up in ferndale working for a while. which means that is a 40 minutes drive one-way, so to save on gas i get to drive the blue tractor, that's what it feels like anyways. but, oh well at least i have something to drive, for the time being, until i get my car back. ahhh.
so i decided this year i didn't want to celebrate valentine's day, on valentines day, no going out, flowers, candy presnts. nothing. just us and us. so i was going to make chicken picata and just enjoy the the hosue to ourselves. well, i did make hima homemade card, which he always loves, because i always say cheesy stuff in them. so when he was running late yesterday and not answering his phone, i was kind of getting nervous. so he knocked on the door, of course i answered, and there he was with a whole bunch of purple and pink flowers, the bigges box of chocolates and a card. stupid butthead. but i think he knows better than to not get anything, because deep down i do want it. so he's good, and the card was so friggen cute. it had a penguing on it and it said" what what i do if i didn't have you?", then when you open it " i would still be looking for you" how friggen cute and he knows i love penguins, so he's good, except for the chocolates, he knows i am on a diet, they are my pitfall. i hate too much last nite, so i made him put them up high, i don't know where they are hidden and if i ask for one he will get it for me , because i would eat the whole box. i just can't help it. but we watched good luck chuck last nite at home, and it was friggen hilarious, everyone should see it! we went to bed early and he actually watched project runway with me, oh and he didn't make me cook, we ordered pizza and diet coke. the man of my dreams. we are going out for chinese tonite and maybe a movie, we'll see. so i am doing well very happy and getting healthy and my clothes are fitting better and maybe tomorrow i will put up somepicture so you can see my beautiful flowers.

Follow up...

so just some follow-ups into my life. my sister and i sort of found common ground this weekend. i took her around to get job applications and and that sort of stuff. even though we ended up in the er. on friday due to a massive migraine, we got it all taken care of, the needle was friggen huge! so she is getting better, trying to figure our her life. so hopefully if my dad is being a jerk she can turn in some more applications and get a job! i finally paid off my gym due and today i want to go to water aerobics, but i don't at the same time. i tried on my swim suit for the first time since this summer and omg i am a fucken huge jaba the hut fucken fat as ugly bitch. now don't go telling me it's not true. i am huge i have to deal with it and if it means calling myself a few words to get my butt going, so be it. and if one person says no you are beautiful, yea i know i am beautiful and all that jazz but i am huge and it's not pretty. so whatever i am going and someday it will be pretty again. oh and it's like totally snowing we had like 4-6 inches here sinc yesterday and more is coming. yea snow, bad if you have to drive in weather when most people i don't think know what snow is. ahh, but i have 4-wheel drive. ok toodles.

i love my sister!

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I wish that i could change how my sister feels about her self. To be a strong and independent, intelligent woman. To realize that you need to get out there and find yoruself, among the casos and trouble. To make a path to call your own, and who to let go down your path with you. i just worry so much about her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I always seem to have a way of helping people. But, she just won't let me into your life. it's like there is the wall between us, no emotion, other than anger from her. She just thinks that i am stupid, cliche and too happy. Well, i know what it's like to be in pain, depressed, unhappy with myself. She just sits at home watching tv, listening music, and eating. Doesn't really go anywhere unless it's to a store with my dad or if i take her somewhere like shopping or to my house. she doesn't hang out with anybody or talk to anyone on the phone, she doesn't have internet, so that sucks. But, she won't get a job, or learn how to drive my dad's car so she can go look for a job. None of us can get her out to do that. i always bring her applicatons, the newspapers with jobs circled. And maybe i am pushing her and just pissing her off all together. But, i don't know what to do anymore. i always just say that i am trying to help. But she jsut says i am in the way, i don't need your help. girls, i am at a loss. My grama esther is worrie sick about her. and well, i just don't want her to go down the same path as my mother, and my grama says that she needs to get out and be with people. kelly hates peopel, she takes friggen anxiety pills, because she is afraid to be around people. she is a friggen hermit. help!

Get it on....

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I have to say that sex is not the same when you are in a serious relationship. Toi imagine being with the same person for years and years is a great thing, and i can see how it can be monotonous and boring. because, well for like 6 months, i haven't really wanted to, like i just lost my groove. which for me should be impossible, because i love to have sex. and i am with a totally awesome guy who loves me and thinks i am beautiful, when i truly look like shit. so it has nothing to do with him, because he can groove very correctly. it's that i was so tired of having to perform and be so in to it. i just couldn't like it. almost like it was a chore. something i had to do because god forbid a man who can jack off all day has to have sex with my stupid fat ass. well, there it is. i was being negative and not liking myself. which has been an ongoing personal battle( i am refering to my weight issues). i still don't always feel comfortable when i have extra weight wobbling arouand, well folks, ain't too pretty. then a couple of weeks ago. i just couldn't take it anymore. it's like i got crazy and needed to be the sex maniac i had been for years. it was always my control i felt with guys, the need to please some one so they would see me as beautiful and sexy, even though i wasn't skinny or totally gourgeous like i felt under my weight. so as i keep thinking about this. it really has nothing to do with the control. it has to do with the fact that i need pleasure so does my boyfriend. and we take it when we can( considering our living situation, we don't always get to go crazy. And it's really funny we have sex that's it, i got my control of this is what we do, this is what i want and thanks i am done. and that is how i got my groove back. oh and by the way, the rents are living tomorrow for 2 weeks. which means we really get to be crazy. so to all those people who have issues with sex, which i am sure we all do. it doesn't need to be a never ending battle in your head. Just have it then remember that who you do it with, especially if you are in a committed relationship, you should be lucky to have someone want to do it with your stupid ass after all these years. and it's quite funny, because we still laugh and do stupid shit, in bed. so this comic is totally something he would say to get it on. after all i am with the guy who thinks that beavis impressions are sexy. so god help me, i am in love with a dork, who still thinks i am sexy, beautiful, crazy all the time, but he loves me more than i ever thought anybody could. and that's what i call making love.