I heart you!!!

I probably shouldn't talk about this but, very few of you know who i will be talking about. A really good friend of mine and jerei( don't tell him i told anyone, i just need to get this off my chest,please!) has been diagnosed with lung cancer. She found out a week after her friend i helped take care of for her passed. She has been feeling it for about 5 months now. They cannot pin point the exact spot, so they cannot remove it, give chemo( which she will refuse anyways). It will most likely move into her esophogus, liver, and then bones. She has lost 30 pounds since i have seen her, which has been only over a month. She looks so bad, her eye sight is going. So i met up with and had lunch with her today and went shopping. I just cannot believe it. She was like my other mom and i don't want her to go. She is such a neat lady has been though so much herself, she doesn't deserve to go out like this. But, it makes me wonder if you go though so much in life is the end really dramatic as well. It seems to be a trend... And all i could do is ball my eyes out when we went to leave, poor thing even held me, though her chest feels like it's on fire and it hurts to the touch..So i will be strong for her, even though she says she wants to be alone in the end. bullshit, she cannot be alone, i have always promised i would be there. As much as she will let me, she is a damn stubborn lady. I guess i have had her in my life for so long, that it would seem just so wrong for her to be gone. If it wasn't for her i would have never left mike and made it though that time in my life. The first time i met her is when i lived in our little pink house on 4th street, right up from the warf, and she came knocking on my door, wondering if i had seem any ferrets. I hadn't, but she lost one of hers. From then on.... she has been there, making me food, gabbing, smoking, drinking, just being there. When i moved 4 blocks down from here, i used to loose wiley my dad's dog ( lived with me at the time) he always went to her hours to get food and play with the ferets, she would call me up and ask if i was missing wiley again, of course..This is going to be especially hard for jerei, he is like the son she never had, that's how there bond is... So if you talk to him just don't mention it until he does, cause he's like that. But, we don't know how long she has, so just keep her in your prayers and thoughts, please!!!

i can't think of a cool title for this... so i am calling this.. i can't think of a cool title!

So i go back to the doctor in a week for my pap. i also need to mention that the pelvic pressure i felt when everything was happening, started about a month before that. not a lot, but like for a minute every once in a while. i even looked it up on line under pelvic pain... nothing about being pregnant. so i looked it up again. and low and behold it's all about pregnancy. also tailbone pain in added in with that too, and it started like 3 days before. So many signs added up that why did i notice. but, watching the show i didn't know i was pregnant. lots of women went through what i did, ended up being pregnant and didn't know it, they all ended up having a baby, but they didn't know... it just made me feel better knowing i am not stupid and at least i know the symptoms now, and i am aware as all women should if even if you are not in the putting pregnancy in your world at the moment.. just know it! know what to look for, because it can happen even if you are on the pill, tubes tied. amazing how when something wants to come into the world it just does....
I am also going to need to discuss my behaviors since then, more like my mood swings. it's like one comment sets me off, and i freak out. I don't want to, and after i let it out, i just cry because i know it didn't mean anything, i wasn't really pissed off, just frustrated. Also, i go from abeing happy, to sad, to angry, to blah, in a matter of a wink of the eye. So i have been doing all this looking up symptoms, and did you know that post traumatic stress is a possibility. since what happened was traumatic, followed by depression. The ativan the dr. gave me helps, i have been taking it everyday, once i know i won't be driving, which is usually after dinner, it definately helps! But, something has to give... i can't go on like this...I know it takes time and patience to deal with this, but i am tired of feeling like my head is going to explode. Along with my headaches, my bp going back up, my stomach problems, the constant anxiety which turns into either a anger flare or a sob fest...I guess was not prepared for this type of loss. I could deal with everything else that has happened to me, i am strong i move on.. But, this girls..... maybe i have been pushing too much aside in my life and moving along too soon! It's like my mind and body have slowed down and it's making me deal with it on a level i have never experienced. I just have to believe everything will work out! That's all i can do. So i have  alot to discuss with my dr. maybe I will look into finding a group or going to a therapist, again. I think that it's more than this loss, i think it's all of my losses, pain, and stress thoughout my life just bursted it's bubble.  I know i;ll be fine..I have to be, i need to. Not just for myself, but for tony.. He';s been so good to me, being there, being the brunt of my madness, the should i lean to.
I just really need to be stronger. I need to do this!  I need to show tony that i cannot be broken... I have stood so long.. Now it just feels like i want to fall. But, no i will not. We have to be strong as a team, a couple, for the sake of our future. Because we are going to have an awesome one, with or with out babies. Definately more pomeranians!! okay enough of this! i made really good spaghetti and meatballs today. i can focus on my cooking, it relaxes me and makes me feel important. until i get our of this forsaken place, which will happen! i must march on... I will not do harm unto other under this house... which i want to sometimes. I will place my anger towards something positive... It's times like these i wish i had a piano. it used to save me from my mother. I guess it wasnt saving me, but i felt safe, invincible. In a world i knew wouldn't tear me down... And what the hell did i do in a previous life that i need to constantly keep myself afloat from such tragedy, grief, and disappointment. Maybe because i don't see it like that until someone mentions it. It's just my life day by day. I mean so many people go through sooo much more that i do. And they can make it! i have the strength, power, and love!!! And anyone who reads this... if any of this makes sense, well i'm glad because i sure as hell don't feel like i am. and im too tired to read it back. maybe tomorrow. maybe never.... is it bad luck to always read what you wrote.. should you wait a while. or if you don't will it change... whatever... i'm rambling because im tired. Its also a full moon tonite! i should get out the chalk.. if you put it on warts it goes away. if you tie a ribbon in your hair and draw a picture ofwhat you desire and then put it over the body part it corresponds to it will come true. of course the color has to match the type of desire. my grama used to tell me that. we would do it when i was little. funny how little things make you want to go back.,just be little for a moment and revel in it! i think i have some yellow ribbon...mmmmmmm.. well good nite!

I need to be rebalanced, ladies!!!

who knew i would still feel so lost, sad, and just sooo blah... Everytime i hear someone is pregnant, then i read an article about someone looising a baby, then it's on t,.v. then they are at work, everyone. everyone has babies, or has lost babies. I just can't take this... It makes me hopeful yet scared, that I may never or i will end up being pregnant with twins, ok it runs in my family, my grandma june is a twin. so i'm just so whatever. i look down at my belly, and never before in my life have really wanted a baby in there. I feel like i am going crazy. First of all i would have never admitted this to anyone, yet here I am telling the world, well my world. I just want baby clothes and baby things and all i think about is baby baby baby....fuck.......yes if iam not thinking about babies i want to just have sex, sex sex.. That's it i am positively just going insane right now. I know that with the hormones of pregnancy going out of my body, oh yea one more month of that, plus the hormones of birth control... And the loss of a baby, i just want it. So i am hoping all of this will just calm down and i will just be ok... Well, at least a less insane moody freaky forgettful, klumzy girl. Crazy girl.. I really just want some peanut m&m's like right now.. so need some, but i guess i can just go for some dried fruit mix, which is fine, i just need a good girl night with laughing, crying, wine, cigarettes, some good fucken groovin music, and a strange bed. just i need to go on a vacation somehwere and stay in a hotel, with a massage, pool, hottub, my girlz... Shit.. i need a fucken awesome vacation... or even a nite away, from this room, these moments, just away, an unknown away, ya know, just to rebalance!

Up and away...

Have courage for the greatest sorrows of life and patience for the small ones, and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily tasks, go to sleep in peace.. GOD IS AWAKE.
( Victor Hugo, Frech poet and writer)


To love means never to be afraid of the windstorms of life: should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the beauty of the carvings.  ( Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, swiss born american psychiatrist and writer)


To be nobody but yourself-in a world which is doing it's best to make you like everyone else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting. ( e.e. cummings, english poet)

FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES AND WE FORIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US.( the lord's prayer)

Sometimes the quotes of others inspires me to look beyond my own self and remember that something larger is at work here. Something I may have created.. It's life... My life... It's hard , sad, and can tear you down... But when you look up what do you see...I just hope you never tell me.. Because for each one of us it's differnt.. To me that makes it all worth while... My life... my something large and powerfull... It's all mine..I don't know why all of these things happen to me and why I need to learn all of these lessons... But I will go on until it's my time to turn down the sheets and visit the stars...

Always on my mind

I love this song. tho it was a sad one, it reminds me of being little out on the farm with my mom and dad and the record player going and willie playing in the backround. it just makes me feel like i am home!

Within

Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds that light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest to us.( Johannes Eckhart, german mystic)

I needed you....

Yesterday at work i was approached by my supervisor and the human resources manager, asking how many hours i wanted to work during the holiday and while i was in school. I told them i woudl work as many as i could , so they wanted to know if i could work 40. at first i was like shit... i don't know. but i said yes, and i could do it. Then they asked me if i was interested in my supervisors positions while she was on maternity leave. i said that i had been but with school i didn't think it would work out. They said that i could do the weekends and it didn't have to be just during the day or week. So they was cool. It would be  a signifigant pay raise and yea more hours!  Then later i was went back the the hr manager because of my concerns and reservations of the position such as my fellow employee being there longer in the position and so forth. She told me not to worry because i was more qualified for the position due to my experience as a lead before in the company and that i was just good at my job. OMG!!! she has been asking me for like a couple of months but i am like well school whatever, so now i will be at 40 hours in october and until she comes back to work in march or april. I really need the money and it's great experience. i mean really good experience. so i don't know what i am going to do with school, they stil don't ahve my shit together and it starts in like a fucking week. so i am thinking i can do this position make some money! and get into classes for spring and go from there. ALso, jenn has told me that after maternity leave she might just come back for a couple of month afterwards, because she has been trying to start a day care. so it could be permanent.... i mean woowwowowowoowow. it's crazy. on top of that i met up with mike last nite gave him the papers then he will send them back to me and i will file them.and 3-6 months, will be free. sooo things are just happening and changing so fast. It's like loosing this baby opened my eyes. Makes me just do what i need to do. becuase for the first time in my life i know what i want. I am getting ahead in work, school is always there for me to go to. not that i won't. but right now this is great, too! And i really want to have a family with tony. He's been applying for tons of jobs on top of getting ready for school. it's just so weird, i mean all of these things happening. I am still really sad and kind of depressed. i admit that, i cry everyday, but i get up go to work, even tho i hurt to my core, my muscles, even in my toes and fingers just hurt... STill sooooo tired, that i need to nap everyday. but i am being honest with tony about my emotions and all of my feelings, which i have never really done. opening up more telling him really what i want and for the first time we are on the same page. when i say babe i am sad right now, he just holds my hand and smile, that's all i need, just him to hold my hand and i cry but i stop and we go on.. so for all the shit that has happened this year. it's picking up we are making our goals i mean for god sake i am going to be 30 in like a stupid fucking month.. we are adults and we need to act like it. oh and i've lost like 4 pounds! sweeet!!!!!!!!

update

So i went to my dr. appt this morning. my lady parts are healthy normal, great. my cervix is squishy, and that is suppossed to mean it's good. Oh and to top it off not only did i get handled by my dr. but she had a student. hey 2 for the price of 1 haha. anyways on to the serious stuff. i am going on birthday control. she said it would help the bleeding, headaches, and help get my periods back to normal, until i decide to have a baby. she said we should wait at least 3 months, but studies now show that after 2 weeks you can conceive and everything will be fine. i don't know what this means for us yet. it's just the stats. i feel like a science experiement. then she went over how we could monitor my ovulation for the future and that would help. we went over how it's genetic for me and most of my family who has experience this went on to have healthy babies. i got blood work done to check and see if i am anemic. i will be going back in about 2 weeks for  pap smear since i am still bleeding and they couldn't perform one. So i'm ok, physically. they also prescried me something to help relax and ease my anxiety. which will help me sleep. i opted out on getting sleeping pills. i would probably sleep forever and when i have to get up and count money in the mornings, that's won't work. So it's been a week. i feel like shit.. which i will due to all the hormones. headaches, fatigue, muscle soreness, fucken tit soreness. nothing like having your tits fondled when they are sore and hard. yea it sucked. So i am just going to fucus on going to school., being healthy for myself, quiting smoking, yes tony and i are going to do this together. so i don't know when it will happen. but soon! so just thank you everyone for being there for me listening ! i appreciate it soooo much! all of you had such good insight and advice for me and i took it all in! I will get through this tony has been well tony, he has been great! i just have to remember that he doesn't read minds and i have to tell him what i need sometimes. that's ok too, because he is just trying to be strong and be a man for us. he feels sad and disappointed but soo happy that we can get pregnant that's all he talks about. i just hope i can feel happier about which i will. when i am not so upset about this and i know we have a stable home and school is over.. and we can afford it. anyways, i am ok it will take time. so i am jsut taking one day at a time. that's all i can do . now i am going to go get my prescriptions and take a nap. much needed.

Mighty

Being strong is not just standing up when things go wrong. It's accepting that you are standing in the face of what is wrong. Being true to yourself about your emotions and having the courage to share it with others. This is what i am .  I am mighty.

:(

enter phase 1

well it's almost september. i have registered for school, my transcripts are in progress of evaluation, my financial aide is going through, slowly. i should find out this week or next what classes i can get into. so pray that i can get into the pre requisites that i need for nursing and not knocked into another program. pray pray pray!!! so i am totally excited to embark on this long awaited journey. so the practical nursing program is 2 years, hoping i get in after my year of prerequisites. then i will have to work a year's worth of hours to be accepted into the r n program. which will only get me an associates degree. which is totally acceptable by me. then off to get my bachleors. which is my goal by the time i am forty. i give myself leeway due to the fact the closest place to do this is seattle. so i am in a good direction, as long as my entry ends of being fabulous! and my work is totally willing to accommodate my schedule as long as i get one soon!

it's time for a cookie, bitch

Life...hasnn't been going my way.. i have been procrastinating, my fault. i am just in this stupid rut where i don't care. i just feel like to get where i want is going to take forever, i am loosing faith in it and just want to run away. the first time in my life where i can't really do that. shit... what did i get myself into. maybe i just want to run away from this for a moment. i was working a second job for a couple weeks and the lady passed away on saturday morning.. so sad she was only 52, and it made me think i could get cancer really bad and not life a full life, what have i given this life that is worthwhile. okay so me just existing doesn't count, i need to feel like a changed a life, or made a difference. i guess this all stems from being in middle school in when i thought my friends were everything and they totally ditched me and made fun of me and acted like i was stupid and retarded, i didn't talk to anyone for that whole summer.  i told my self i would never have a bunch of friends around just for the hell of it\, but to have a few real good friends i can always count on to have my back and understand me.so sometimes i don't think the people closest to me understand at all or really understand how much it really fucking sucks that i upset. my family here, they don't get it, well i don't let them in because i don't like to let people in, who would imagine that. i know i am sounding shitty, but well i just need to let it out, tony doesn't get it because he never gets depressed or upset unless it's something huge. and well i let things bottle up and then i am like this and that and i am shitty and you suck. grrrr. i am going to have a cookie.

HAPPY 53RD BIRTHDAY MOM!!! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!!

Once the realisation is accepted that even between the closet human beings infinite distances cotinue to exist, a wonderful living side -by-side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the whole against a wide sky. ( Rainer Maria Rilke)

Wednesday's gloomy...And yet the rain has stopped.

"I don't meddle with what my friend believe or reject, any more than I ask whether they are rich or poor; I love them."

This is an interesting quote by James Russell Lowell. Maybe I need to think of this more often, when conversing with my friends. Is what we believe and reject together, what brings us closer. Is it our responsibility as friends to show why their beliefs or rejections, may not be the best.  Do friends just go along loving them as their own, regardless of what they say or do. Of course, that is what friends are for. As we do for family. Do we put more pressure on our friends to be or think a certain way. If so, do our friendships suffer?

Conflicting as it may this quote seems to better justify.
" Our chief  want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. this is the service of a friend." by Emerson.
That seems for fitting for the friend who wants their friends to be the best of what they are. To progressively move ahead in life. To show them their view, on what they see. This is very profitable. It allows you to understand another view of how you are living. This to me is something i cherish with my friends. Getting a different view on complicated matters, helps in the process. That is what brings me closer. Being able to guide someone through life. It's like we should be called guides..

"Give me one friend, just one who meets
The needs of all my varying moods;
Be we in noisy city street,
or in dear Nature's solitudes.

One who can share my grief or mirth,
And know my days to praise or curse;
And rate me just for what I'm worth,
 And find me still, Oh, not so worse!

Give me one friend, for peace or war,
And I shall hold myself well, blest,
And richly compensated for,
The cussedness of all the rest. "
                Esther M. Clark

Buttons for you and buttons for me...

I decided that i should organize my sweaters in my closet... then i kept finding things, that i should get rid of. then i found a bag of really cool skirts and wraps, they don't really fit me anymore, but not getting rid of them just yet. then i found my old sewing bag.. i used to keep all of my buttons in this bag with my little sewing kit. so in it was some crafting rafia, a whole bunch of old crown royal bags, ( anybody need some, i have like ten). And this little black box that used to hold my buttons from back in high school. So i opened it, thinking yea cool more buttons( i love buttons by the way) and it wasn't buttons. It was a cross that belonged to Mike that his mom gave me, and a baggie with a lock of his hair....nope wasn't expecting that... nope didn't want to see that... nope i can't believe i had that with me in this room... nope i am not looking at it, nope i'm not smelling it either... yep i just did... yep. why. i can't do this... thinking about it... too much. and as the saying goes, some people come into yer life for a while and leave their footprints on your heart. and that's ok too. that needs to go to the mike box.. which my dad keeps for me, it shouldnt' be here. i cannot live in the same house with his hair in here. it brings back too many memories i just want to keep under the surface still. it may sound lame and stupid but it's too much. fuck i hate cleaning out my shit i always find something of him, a couple months ago it was a picture, or a drawing or something that reminds me of him. There is even a smell sometimes, don't know what it smells like, but when i smell it i just cry. now i just needed to say this, i have released my energies of him, i just have moments when i see his stuff... and then i am fine, but i don't really talk about this to people, especially tony, he doesn't get it and nor should he. so for now, i will just put it here.  in cyber memory space. so cyber memory take away my words and may i never find you again.

Grown from a seed.

Sometimes i think alot about what i want in my future the things that i will need and so on... well, today it isn't any different, but i realized that even though my life isn't what people think it should be. i love it. i love my family and friends, even when they are being untrue to themselves. i just really love that my sheets are crisp and smell good. that when i go to a movie or a play with my tony, during the loves scences he still holds my hands and tries to feel me up... ( giggle, giggle) That my two baby boys ( bruce and teddy) love me so and we can provide them with an awesome life, ( they were both rescued from abusive situations) That even though a lot of the people I love are so far away, I love them and their lives and what they have done for themselves. With all of this, it pushes me to be better in the choices I make my appointments, pay my bills ( preferably on time) and just get done what needs to be done. These inspirations are my life... And event  the simplist thing as growing plants from seeds to have them in the ground, hoping for a crop. And yet mother nature takes over and sends me a mole ( gggggrrrrr.) I absolutely full heartedly love it! yea sure I need to exercise more, eat healthier, be more positive, and look how others would feel( i have been doing more of that and my relationships with certain family folk, have been better. I went and got a pedicure with sharron, we had fun girl times, I realized i need to involve myself with her more, to make home life better, and it would make me a better person) So i am just gonna say, that sometimes, I don't always say the right thing, or know what to do. I may sometimes slip and slip on others expectations, and have a tendency to be a little harsh...but, that's me. i love me, all the times, regardless of my weird once in a while moments, and i love my peeps. So here is to the future, home, family, life I will have that is just a step up from what I have now, except I may own more things, and get to go to more places, but if it just stayed like this, i'd be happy too!

From me to you.

To whom
I have
mislead
deceived
broken
along the way.
I only hope for
forgiveness, that
I may receive.
For I am
merely human.
Unperfected
in nature.
Longing for
peace
love
tranquility
in all who
breathe.
And a
hand to
hold, along
the way.

i love texas!

so south east texas is well, not as happening as i thought. but, i love it! especially houston! i have made some amazing friends who i now call my little family in houston, even some puppy dogs. so i have a different vision of the south. i really like it! even tho, they call me a yankee, i can deal. it's pretty rought around port arthur, so the museum is something i would have to do with more than myself. it's like a warzone there. i would never go there alone. the crime and violence is just to much. especially be a white blonde girl.. not a good idea. but, it's just different here, slow and everyone is incredibly friendly, small talk all the time, definately not like washington. houston is a fabulous place, i spend a lot of time in the heights shopping and my friends live in the montrose area, which is the gay community of houston. it's awesome, cool funky shops and really good places to eat! so it's been a really good vacation by far. nothing too touristy, save that for next time. just good times with really good friends. i have learned a lot about myself. just taking pieces out and realizing that i am awesome and i have so much to offer, for just being me. it was a much needed time away from home to reflect. reflecting is good. so for find info on janis joplin other than the museum, is well not as good. i hear that beaumont is pretty cool, haven't gone yet tho. and gator country is down the road, that is not something i desire to do alone. going along a swamp looking at alligators, they will eat me. now if only i could find some vampires... just kidding! i will be home on saturday. waiting patiently until i can come back and see my beanie and sweets. i also get to meet up with my uncle today, it's been 18 years, interesting it will be, but awesome. it's my dad's brother between him and tim. he lives in houston and has a plumbing business. i just hope i can get up and see his wife and their dogs!!! i love it my peoples have dogs... awesome!!!

i am so over it, bitch!

i am so over being just this. i am so over stupidity. i am so over pictures of me, that make me realize that i look stupid and fat. i am so over saying that knowing i need to be healthier and not doing anything about it. i am so over people telling me, then do something about it, then smuggly give a giggle. i am so over  no owning a really cool handbag, know i have to wait until i have the money, i hate that. today, right now. things are stupid, i ate to much ham i want a cigarette, even though i have smoked already. i am not particularly shity about anything or just shity. i am just over life. i need this moment to get over this. i am pouring out my negativity from my head onto this page. so fuck off. i am so over it.  oh you know what else i am over, when you try to shift 1 to get an ! and you can't do it so all you get is 1. bullshit, fucken bullshit!

Here i am on my own again...going down this lonlely road.. ( wait did i just quote an 80's hair band) i am officially in line for a drink tonite.

Well, it's been a week and half with no job. i questioned my decision this morning. i could have stayed on-call, applied for the part-time job in hr. or i could have gotten a many part-time jobs within macy's. but, i would have lost all of my health insurance and the extra push to get me into school. I have been kind of anxious about the school thing. that's good. i almost didn't go to the nursing info. class yesterday. i don't know why, maybe because i am just nervous. i did fine and got a lot of info. like how it's going to be super challenging. Taking chemistry, anatomy and physiciology, pharmacology, algebra, calculus. I figured if they offered all english, writing, psych, and lectures, i would be a honor student. but, no, we have to have friggen math, physics, i can handle, chemistry, whatever. so these will be my hardest times. i will do it thou. i probably wont' finish my r.n. for about 4-5 years, just depending on the wait list. now there is a 2 year for the r.n. and a 1 year for the lpn. so it's tough out there, and the other school i choose not to go to, have a compeptive nursing program, only the top 10% get into the nursing program once a year and at btc, the allow 20 students in 3 times a year. so we'll see, i have to get my preresequites out of the way first. it's jsut like since i dont' have a job, i have been super busy. well, today maybe not, because i am in my pj's and it's ten a.m. and i'm on the computer when i am usually at work. The unemployment process is a bitch, they had to verify my id. so i don't know when my first check will come, still waiting on my vacation check, and my severence. so i have been questioning my decision to leave macy's. but i have applied at a few jobs, so who knows what lies ahead.

the beginging of the end.

Officially on saturday feburary 27, i will have my last day at macy's as a promotional coordinator. I am sad, really sad about this. I really liked this job more than i realized. The decision to leave the company is a profound one. i found that no matter how much i will  miss everyone and want to stay, leaving is the best choice. Many consideratons were made, such as, was i willing to work under people i know are way less qualified than i to do the job. i did not want to be the employee who knew all the answers, helped the people in charge and continue to have nothing to come from it. This is not a negative selfish decision. It is positive, becasue i have put 100% into this job. i am perfect at it. It's just not what i am destined to do for the rest of my life. I have to write out my duties, broken down into daily,weekly, and monthly duties. This is for the manager in charge and the new lead taking my place( whom i have grown really close to, which makes it really hard). So far I have about 6 pages, just because i will only be given about 3 hours to update her on the computer and all the manuals( we have 4 just for the sign team). I would love to continue working for macy's if i was given the opportunity of a better position. I may go back if a position opens and it deems appropriate for my needs with school and another job, if i find one soon. I will be receiving my vacation time, a severence package, and 3 months of fully paid health insurance from the company. Their is a going away party planned, i know i will cry the whole time. it's been really hard for me. The decision to leave when you know something could be made to work out in the end. But also knowing this is what is best for all parties( tasha i am sure you know what i am talking about). I have been crying a lot, tired, just plain depressed about it. A lot of crying happens at work among my mangers and fellow employees. Nobody wants me to leave and nobody can believe that i am leaving. So I am just gong to prepare everyone for the busiest and most stressful job(besides being a manger) on the start team. Nobody really wants my job, but the girl has no choice or she would be out of a job. Man, this shit just plains sucks. The postive note, i will be going to school in the fall, starting a nursing program. Going to recertify for my cna license in april. Probably find a job working as a cna, or whatever clerical work i could find. WE will be find, I will be fine. i am amazing, courageous, powerful, and intelligent. I will make an excellent nure and will make it through school with amazing skill and determination. This is what i need to push me in the direction that i was meant to do. That's all. You can never ever make it to the top, fairly and effectively, without starting somewhere, may it be the bottom of the hill or a long tretcherous trip over a cascading mountain rage. There is always and end and a beginging. And for the first time in my life, i am leaving a job, gracefully, positively, and outstanding!!!

i have a frog in my throat, bitch. wait, let me throw it up on you.

So i have the choice to take a severence package and my vacation and leave the company of macy's. or stay, be terminated for 7 days, return as a new hire and work on call is either the processing, placing or sale dept. I no longer have my job as a lead promotional coordinator after the 6 of march. it was a very hard day today. they let me leave early with a full day's pay. i broke down in the office. i believe that everything i ahve been holding in emotionally for years came out along with 3 bottles of wine today. it was shitty. and i have to work tomorrow. so i will get more answer and have a meeting and go over my possibilities. i have a list my good friend sabrina help me make our, questions to ask. she is a human resources rep, so she is on the up and up. i will continue, with my schooling starting in the summer, and get into the radilogy program and bellingham technical college. this is my plan, i will continue. it will be okay. right now, i have to let it out, settle a bit. and prepare. it's hard, harder than i imagined. i am an emotional disaster. i have to  to get up again. my moments of self pity and despair will subside.

My own worst enemy...

So last week we were notified at work that their would be some setbacks to macy's inc. we may be loosing hours, people, who knows. especially the teams i work on. none of us no if we will have a job in a couple of weeks. it's scary and it doesn't help that this happened after tony's deal. i know i can get another job. i planned on it after kristen got here, like working at a coffee stand for an extra 20 hours a week. i only work 30 now, and i ;m off at 1 everyday, so it will be perfect for school. but i guess i am not prepared to loose my health benefits. so i need to see all of my doctors in the next couple of weeks, go to my appt for paper signing of documents, file that this week. so much stuff going on. but it's stuff that needs to be done to start this new path. i can feel it, like this gigantic wave of newness. i'm a little scared and really nervouse. but, they say when you are afraid, march on. fear is only a feeling. fear will push me through and make me stronger. i don't need to find myself, i need to share myself with others. share all of my great abilities, live life to the fullest. be everything that i am. ERIN! It will be fine and i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and being depressed about everything.

Let's knock them walls down...

With new ideas comes new paths to follow. With new paths comes new changes. New changes brings new compromises. New compromises bring new challenges.
 With so many new challenges coming my way. i don't know what it's going to mean to us.  With new paths being generated with the latest events, will this bring us closer together( which i am hoping for) or will it pull us apart as we try to make our paths relevent in this world. I would never wish in a million years for tony and i to not be together. In my head I do always have it in the back of my head, well what if. Which i am sure everybody has. i just want to prepare myself for me. But i am just wondering will the me me me which we need to go through turn into me, myself, and I? Now being along has never ever been something i have had to really deal with. LITERALLY! Sometimes I sense myself pulling away from him, because of our situation at home. I just want it to be him and I. Doing this together, but other people like to be in the middle of everything and i just do not like that. So i guess what i am saying is can we make it through the next 3 years, and move away from this. That is our goal, to have the toyota paid off, all debts paid off, credit built up, our education done and ready for a new begining. so with my legalities taken place soon, hopefully it will be finalized by this summer! We still do not plan on getting married until after school, you know seperate finances equal better opportunities for schooling. i just hate having to reinforce our goals all the time. Not always knowing what he wants in the end... it bugs me. it's like i want to write out a contract and say this is what we are going for do you agree. i guess that's what marriage is for, eh?
 Sometimes i just want to be educated, healthier, and away from here, NOW! But, then i know i would miss so much of my life, i have built! But, did i really build it or did the walls go up around me and i suddenly looked and was like, shit how do i get out of here? The answer: go to school, be your own person! This is what i am doing, I just hope i have enough power(bulldozer) to knock down the walls!

Gee wilikers, martha, it's gonna be a great year!

So it is a new year.. i have set my goals... and low and behold i have managed to follow through with them.. as of wednesday of this week, i will be sitting down and finally getting some much needed papers signed and filed. soon i will be free... then i can get into fall quarter with being miss erin cadden, again. probably not spring due to the time it takes to file. then i will be able to grants and stuff and not just loans for my new journey of going to school. yes folks, erin is going to be going to massage school. i am finally doing it after what 11 years. it will be amazing just 2 years and i can have my license, work at an office, going to people's homes, be my own boss. With the flexible hours of going to school at nite and my job at macy's only be 6 hours  a day, i can do it! 
 Also, if you haven't heard about mine and tony's situation, well he is going monday to sign up for school to be a x-ray technician/ultrasound tech. which is really amazing to me. because he will be out of the field he was in and doing something worthwhile, that will support us in the rest of our journey. so we are doing this together, moving forward with new adventures and putting all that bad negative shit behind. no worries, we can make our payments for our cars with my pay and tony will get full unemployment and he will also be getting health insurance through them. it's all falling into place. for some reason i feel ok, relaxed not anxious anymore. knowing that we are following our paths. our own fate is in our hands and we as a couple are finally being the drivers in our lives, not the passengers. just so excited for all of this! yea for 2010 and being CENTERED!

a new and better week...

I have to be at work at 8:45 tonite and work until 4:15.. don't know how i will manage. it seems forever and then i have to go back to work tomorrow at 3 until 7 and then wednesday at 6:30 in the morning... I really dislike inventory and it's hours! but, i will manage. But i did have a great day on saturday with jerei and jean. the bodies exhibit was pretty interesting, not as big as it was a couple of years ago.. good educational fun. then we went to a english pub and jean and i had black and tans, can you believe a old german lady never having this.. silly lady. So i am just getting back into the groove of things, it was hard to adjust back to reality.  i jsut want to travel and visit people forever.. screw this working shit.. Or at least have a better paying job, with better time off. Someday, i will have my own business, and then well maybe. But, in a couple of months i will have kristen to torment and groove around with, so that will be so fun! I have an idea of what to do to fill up the time. Really want to go to forks, but it's an eight hours drive and we would have to be gone for like 2 days just to get it in, because i don't know who well i would do driving at nite all the way around the olympics and over the sounds. just haven't done it but, it could be an adventure. well see. hope more people can come and visit soon! i am also enjoy my new wii resort, my favorite, is basketball, table tennis, and cycling, it really makes you work out, next purchase will have to be the wii fit plus! so off to work soon, blah blah blah don't want to. and it got up to 60 today, cloudy and windy, so it will be warm at work. then with everyone there all the bright lights, ick.

2010

so it's a new year...2010.. a new decade... time to center myself.. set my goals... and fullfill them... with utmost importance! to be myself, accept myself bring out the best in myself..

Quotes of inspiraton in a moment of exhilerating chaos.

"Our problem is that we make the mistake of comparing ourselves with other people. You are not inferior or superior to any human being.. You do not determine your success by comparing yourself to others, rather you determine your success by comparing your accomplishments to your capapbilities. Your are 'number one' when you do the bet you can with what you have." Zig Siglar

This is what i need to remember when i am stressing our at work. Being told what to do and how to do it when i know what to do. I am succesful in my current situation. i do not need to feel under anyone when i am critisized. I am not my job, but i do my job well. I am myself, erin. I am brilliant at my job, i work hard to help others. Just because someone else is a brown noser and i feel like i work hard and then get more lift, i carry on and do my job over the top, perfection at it's best. I am powerful and delightful.

" There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of imporving, and that's your own self."( Aldous Huxley)

This is so true and needs to be lived every day to the fullest.

just to say...

i am posting, because it has been awhile, what a lame excuse! i should be in bed, have to be at work in like 8 hours! only 2 more days to go. i have lots to update on! Haven't really spoken to a lot of your girls, lately, except for kelly and her awesomness! the trip to cali, my sickness of cali, missing tasha:( my birthday, work, tony leaving for fire training in 2 weeks, i will be utterly alone for  like 5 days. i will continue soon! elaborate! love you all!

trip to cali!

it is official. we bought our tickets for cali. going to cali. going to cali! we are leaving on monday the 5th, going to knotts berry farms in the evening with tony's sister shannon. then tony's birthday is tuesday the 6th, so we will probably do something cool. we are going to disneyland sometime that week. not sure when. also we need to go to the tar pits, some cool eateries, going to san diego to see my cousin kris and her baby keezy. some time i hope to see miss tasha, i guess i am pretty far from you, so i don't know how that will work, maybe that weekend, we don't leave until  the morning of the 11th, then we are seeing the seahawks play in seattle when we get baclk. i am so excited. we are finally going to see where tony grew up, together. he went on a trip back to iowa for mine, so it's my turn. 3 more weeks!. don't know if i will have a job, because of the no unpaid vacation, but hello no answer and it's been 3 weeks. i don't fucking care, communist bastards that they are!

monday monday monday

today is beatiful. the chill in the air this morning. getting up when i should. being to work early. having my coffee. only having to work until ten. sending off packages. cooking a new dish. taking a ten minute nap. having more coffee. coffee being free today. petting my dogs. loving that my tony sends me the longest text ever. all the test says is i love you. he said he loved me 20 times. remembering that i need to control my moodiness. i set a goal yesterday. i only freaked out once. having a good outfit day. not obsessing over my negatives. feeling the fan blow on my body. watching the leaves fall off trees. today is monday. today is a good day.

today is stupid!

So i have discovered that i am a toally freakoid.. not that anyone didn't know that, but i have some issues, no comments please regarding this. i need to learn how to not freak out on tony. i literally scream and holler and call him names and just freak out. over stupid stuff he says. well, he keeps egging me on because it finds it a turn on, but it's fucking stupid. so stupid that i want to just smack him. but i freaked out in the drive thru of starbucks and i think that people heard us. a little embarrasing, ya know. i only have one excuse that aunt flo visited and i am starting to push through my demon horns? i don't know anymore, we just havn't been on good terms with out things. not anything really bad just that i am irritated when he is around, especially today. i guess i am just blabbing and people need space and his new schedule is kind of hard on both of us. they say if you can survive the first year of a shift workers schedule you can make it forever, well if i don't kill him first. on a serious note we are fine. i would rather he would leave when i am bitchy, like to a mountain and stay there. boys are stupid, and i hate that i love one. i couldn't live without it, because i would be sad but grrrr.... it's really hot today and i am lazy. i have to work all day tomorrow and i don't want to because i hate my job. we recently had corporate from san fransico do a signing audit when i was gone and we failed miserably. stupid underpaid retarded responsibilities i have to endure for retail. so i bought a new shirt yesterday, see what they do to you, piss you off so you have to have retail therapy to bring them in money. whatever i hate things to day. tomorrow will be better. i know it beause i will make it better, till then, i hate today and it's stupid.

new car

 

Tony and his sexy car

Tony and i got a new car 2 weeks ago. we traded in the truck, to get our 2009 hyundai sonata! it is so pretty! We got he sports model which is came in black with chrome trim, the rims, and a v6 engine. it has a ipod connector in the middle console that is controlled by the buttons for the radio. so rad! it totally smells like new car too! and it is the smoothest ride ever, and you have to be so careful not to speed. going 120 i think would be no problem, i didn't do that, but if i could... i am finally excited that tony actually did this for us. he had his truck for 10 years, got his monies worth and then some. it was time. only problem is that we have 2 car paymens, but that will make us budget better. and i don't necessarily get to drive it as my car, i get to drive the 4-runner, which is fine, because i can put all of my cool stuff from the mirror and take my dogs to the beach and if it gets dirty, well whatever i clean it up. so our transportation troubles have been solved. no on to moving out... our goal has been moved up to march, just in time for tax returns. probably going to rent a house, hopefully with a yard for our dog. so people could actually come and visit me next year!

we passed

So if you haven't talked with me in a while, i have been taking my youngest dog teddy, to obidience school. We are going were going to an animal shelter called NOAH. It has a boarding area, with windows, the animals, aren't actually locked up in cages. This also includes a kitty area, a store, training facility for obidience and agility, and two enclosed play areas and a walking trail. It is really nice and everyone that works there is wonderful. So the first class dealt with basic obidence with positive reinforcement. It included sitting, down, stay, heal, sitstay, and down stay. We also worked on release, and leave it. and walking on a loose leash. This class was a participation pass, so we all got through with a certificate and a toy. It was so amazing how well he took to it, At first i wasn't sure teddy would get it, but he already knew sit, so that helped. once we got the down command, down, it was quite easy. we would go every saturday for an hour and train about a 30 minutes everyday, and walk up to an hour everyday.
So the second class was more intense. We worked on a lot of healing. Going fast, slow, left turn , right turn, about turn, down when healing. so i didn't really understand healing at first, but it is basic. The dog walks at your left side no further out than your ankle. Heal is used for walking at left side, sitting as soon as i stop and turning. it is the hardest because teddy likes to sit to the side or backwards or not at all. We are still working on it. we also did a lot of staying positions, leaving the dog in a stay, for up to 3 minutes. it was just as hard for me to remember what i was doing as it was for teddy. So here are the 10 tests we had to pass in order to receive our akc canine good citizen certificate.
1.Accepting a friendly stranger. The stranger greets the handler, ignoring the dog and walks away. dog is not allowed to show and interest, shyness or aggression.
2. Sitting politely for petting. allowing a stranger to pet the dog, without shyness or resentment( which is included for all testing.) the stranger then let's the dog sniff and politely pets the dog once down the back.the dog may stand up in appreciation to being petted
3. Appearance and grooming. Dog must be in a healthy condition. Allow a stranger to check the ears, front paws, and a one stroke brush down the back, the dog may be in any position for this test.
4. Walking on a loose lead: walking with a right turn, left turn about turn. we actually were healing on this exercise, dog not required to sit when you stop, has to be at left side at all times.
5. walking througha crowd. Dog must walk through a crowd of people without being excited, shy or aggressive.
6. Sit and down on command and staying in place. Showing that the dog will respond to all of the handlers commands.With the dog staying in it's orginal place it will not change position until released.
7. Coming when called: Will position dog and walk away to20 feet, go back to the dog, walk to 10 feet and recall dog.
8. Reaction to another dog. Two handlers walke up and greet one another. The dog should only show signs of natural interest, but not go to the other dog or handler.
9. Reaction to distraction. Handler and dog walk in heal position. Trainer Makes a loud noice, dog should natural react, but not be frightened, or resentful to the object, then a stranger runs in front while healing, dog should not react.
10. Supervised seperation. handler leaves dog with stranger for 3 mintes. Dog must not show signs of seperation such as anxiety, or excessive traits.
we were allowed to encourage and talk to the dogs as much as possible. This is all done with out training collars, pinch collars, treats, or toys. We were also not allowed to use the leash as a correction, must be on a loose leash at all times.
Now let me tell you, i was so nervous. i wanted to throw up and cry. We made it through all of these test, no problem, i was really impressed with teddy and how well he did under pressure. From here i would like to go on to agility training, because i think the obidience would be too much, because he is a nervouse dog and doesn't really like big dogs. so we will see. i am just so glad we passed!

hello... where have i been?

Having time to reflect on who i am what i am to do. I just want to be myself, open honest and not to feel shame on my reactions or thoughts of situations. My goal in life is to be independent within my relationships. i want to be able to take care of myself if i didn't have anybody, even though i do. I want this because i have relied on others for too long. I need myself... So here are my short term goals. If I haven't heard from my legal situation, i will continue on my own and set forth to file the papers, put in an ad and continue down the path of being erin rae cadden, once and for all. Then I will be going back to school, i have decided that working where i do is wonderful, i am great at it, but i need to make a substantial living for myself if i am to take care of myself and family, if it may be. Tony and i want to buy a house, we need a new car, etc. So i need to put my foot forward and better myself. i am so proud of the wonderful friends i have around me and how well they are doing in their lives. That it really does inspire me to be more of me, expand and explore all the possibilities that i have within me. i know it seems that sometimes i talk about these things have high hopes and really don't pursue them. But i don't just want to i need to. I have too much free time and i could be using it to do great things! not just cleaning house, making dinner and bitching about my crappy situation. i will make my life i deem it to be, Thank you everyone for being my friend.

All by myself...

So i am along in the house. for the first time i am totally alone, minus my 2 dogs. tony is working nites all weekend and his parents left for cali this afternoon. haven't been alone in like well, can't remember really. always have somebody home or there with me. kind of not sure, so i am drinking some wine and waiting for a call. a call from my ex to discuss much needed paperwork to be signed. he finally called me the other day. i just want this over and done with so i can move on with my life, the life i have now. so hopefully we will meet up this time sign papers, file them, and with in a couple of months, it will be over. i am not getting my hopes up, but seriously it's been like years and it needs to end, NOW!

So it got to be over 100 last week, that was stupid, sat out in the air conditioned motor home, finally and went camping in la conner to keep cool by the water. it is so beautiful there on the indian reservation, looking at islands and walking along the rocky beaches, i love washington so much wish i could live by the beach in cabin with my doggies and tony. someday, and it will have a golf course near by so i can get rid of tony once in a while.. hehhehe i love him to much to actually get rid of him just long enough so i have time to myself, which i get to nite. so what am i going to do? laundry, clean up a little, find something to eat, talk on the phone, watch tv. and cuddle with my babies. and drink some wine smoke some ciggies. wow, if i was on my own how would i be, really fat? i have a tendency to over eat when people are gone, abandonment eating? Creative, srapbooking is a pastime i should pick up again. On the computer constantly? nah my eyes would hurt, who knows, but 2 nite, well i am gonna do whatever, maybe leave the dishes in the sink because i can. so there, peeps of the house. ahahahhah.

well... it's july

so far this month i have started a new exercise program, go tanning 3 times a week, ( which boosts my intatke of vitamin d, i am less depressed about stupid things and i look hot, by the way. and my pupply is in a new obidience class. this one is going to be hard. work is just stupid and annoying i have too many attendence issues, because i cannot get up to work in the morning. i need to work on that one. need to get a new car because my truck's ignition is getting stuck. saving money is hard and stupid, we just keep getting more bills. i am getting my hair cut on thursday and going lighter, tan and blond tan and blond. oh i have stopped biting my nails, and i have cute manicured feet. i hate the red wall in my bedroom. it's really hot here so lots of sun and weeding, which is not a favorite thing to do! exercise and sun, woo-hoo. goinh yo see harry potter with my sister this week. yea excited about that. we might be going to leavenworth to stay at a condo with some friends. its like a old german village up in the mountains. awesome i will take lots of pictures. so that is a short summary on my life. oh and i am reading a new book by sylivia browne called secret societies, which is awesome and has me rethinking my religious path, possible change, christianty it's all a lie.mmmm interesting, that could be a whole new area to research.

r.i.p gramdpa

So on monday june 22, my grandfather passed away at his home in scranton, in his sleep. he had been having many complications while i was back visiting. he was diagnosed with stomach cancer, had the pump put in the day i was leaving, also upon visiting him i discovered he had parkinsons. among many major health problems. i was not as close as i would have liked, but that was how he was. our family has issues and sometimes death just makes it harder when guilt likes to be a blanket, without giving us warmth in the coldest of times. there will no service, memorial or gravside ceremony of any kind. he had no money for end of life services. so my uncle jim is driving up from houston, to take care of the details. he will be cremated and later laid to rest somewhere in greene county, i believe. my dad and sister and i will have our own wake on thursday. the doctors gave him a year to life and recommend he live in a nursing facility for veterns, he refused the day before his death. i fell so unemotional writing this, because i had deeply saddened yet so confused on how the family is handling this. no matter how much someone is hated they should receive love on their upon their death. my rule, simeple as that. but, that is life and services are expensive. i am just really glad i got to see him before i left and know that he did love us all in his own way. rest in peace grandpa bob.

officially coming to visit.

so it's official. i bought my plane ticket.kelly and i will be ariving in desmoines on friday june 5th at 8:30 a.m. so i hope to see somebody. i will be going to jefferson probably sometime on saturday and staying until like wednesday. then i will come back on friday, go back that sunday and fly out monday evening the 15th. happy times and great memories awaiting in good old iowa.

updatey do ...

so an update desperately in need. i went to the urologists yesterday. my stone is still in question, that is what it's made of. so in the next 2-3 weeks i have to do a 24 hr. pee test. collecting my pee for 24 hours, then take it to the lab. after a couple of weeks, call and see what's going on. then when they find out what caused it they can decided what medication i need or if i need it. in the meantime i still need to see my pcp, and get a physical and check for diabetes, blood pressure, it's been super high, which could explain my fast onset of irrational freakouts. my acid reflux is getting worse. i ate chili last nite, so bad i had to make myself throw up. it was horrible.
so i will be coming to iowa on believe on june 5th. i plan on staying in des moines until that saturday and spend my time in jefferson until wednesday, then go back to desmoines stay there until friday. go back to jefferson, do bell tower stuff and what not. go to ft. dodge with alicia on saturday, camping with the crew on saturday nite at carols,then i plan on leaving sometime monday. so if you want to do something in those times are what we should do. i believe thursday the 11, will be devoted to hanging out with kelly, kristen and alicia. tasha, if you read this, are you coming back or what. i hope you do. it would be nice to see my sisterhood bag girls and get a picture. yea yea yea!!!
what else, oh yea teddy is in obidience 3 weeks to go and we can advance to the next class, i hope. i cut my hair again and lightened it, it's awesome i will do it again before i come so it will be pretty sharp when you see me. i also saw walking with dinosaurs with jerei on thursday nite. so it was awesome big huge dinosaurs, making sounds and story telling. awesome, we all had fun! i should put up some pictures, soon. reminds me i need to send jerei dino pictures.

i made it...

so my surgery went well, apparently. i got home around noon on tuesday. I went in and had my own room, t.v. they actually have this machine that hooks into a disposable blanket, that blows warm air on top of you in the bed, to help you relax and get your blood vessels more open, i suppose for the i.v. i did good i slept for the 2 hours before my surgery. then got really nervous before i went in, started to cry and just be really anxious, that's when they gave me the good stuff and poof i was happy, good to good, being wheeled into the operating room the nurses talking about how i felt and the next thing i remember is waking up and being wheeled back to the after operating area. i was in a lot of pain, uncomfortable and my back hurt. i don't sleep or lie on my back anymore due to my back problems, they eventually got me back to a room i fianlly got some crackers and water and a pain pill. sharron showed up and took a picture of me in the bed. i looked like crap. she sent it to tony and he thought i looked swollen. she was being a great mom to me, even though i don't like to admit it, she is an awesome mom and was totally there for me. so i got home and my dad came over and we had lunch together i need a sandwich and a pickle, so hungry. i slept the after noon away. but yesterday was the worst, i started to pass particles of the stone and omg. it was so painful i had to take 2 pain pills just to feel better. i am stil in pain though, it hurts to have the stend it especially when i pee, so i have to dab so i don't pull it out, i can feel when the particles of crytalized glass pee go through, ugh it fucken sucks. i still haven't gone back to work. so i will probably be back on monday. the stent comes out on tuesday and that's when i find out about the contents of my stone.

thank yous:)

Just wanted to say thank you to every one. i can feel the love.i should be asleep and resting for tomorow. but i cant. i am really nervous. i don't like it, because now i have to face all of the bad in my body. i will be the center of attetion for real and i dont know if i want it. i just want it to be over, the waiting. oh and i had to pay half of my out of pocket expenses before the surgery. i guess this is happening alot. i couldn't get my surgery unless i forked over 200 dollars. whatever, i know it was such an unexpected thing, but really. i guess half of it is paid off., so it is okay. just wasn't expected to have to do that and i forget to pre register so i hope they don't cancel it or get shitty, that i forgot. i will let everyone know how it goes. love you and thankx for all the love.

update

so i had my appointment with the urologist today. i was in there for like 2 hours. so here's the scoop. my stone is right above my bladder, causing my uretra( the tubes that connect the kidney to the bladder) to be swollen. this is on my left side only. it has been in there for a while so they aren't sure whether it is actually still inside the uretra or on top of my ovaries. and since i am under 40 and my kidney isn't swollen, which is a concern to the doctors, since it should be, due to the size of the kidney stone. i will be having surgery tuesday morning, to have this removed. it is a day surgry only takes an hour. i will be out by the after noon. after this is done, then they can determine what my stone is made up of and how serious the rest of my organs are. then i can continue prevention and medication for this. it is actually cause by too many uti, so my urince is super concentrated. and too much calcium in my body, which is likely to be hereditary, since i think one of my grandparents had it. so when i have the surgery they will be sticking a scope up through to my the stone and blast it so it will turn into sand like particles and then flush it out, if my kidney is still not draining correctly( which it's not now because i am still peeing blood) that will put a stent in. this is a plastic spagheti shaped tube with coils on it that will help let my kidney drain into my bladder to drain. so now i am on flomax, which helps women with kidney stones get things flowing and draining. it is actually a drug used for men you have troubles urinating, i am sure you have all seen the commercial. and i am on pain meds. which i had to switch because i had a really bad reaction to them this morning which caused me to throw up, and break out into a allergic reaction, so my forhead was covered in red bums, they are still there but not so red, so now i am taking a different one. so i actually ate dinner and my migraine went away which started yesterday. ahhh so much information in such a little time. i am confused, scared and worried about missing more work. but i will be fine and let you know after my surgery on tuesday how it went. my daddy is picking me up from the hospital, so it will be like being a little kid again. which is kind of cool. i miss those times. well, i am going to bed now and need more sleep, which is weird because i slept like from 10 last nite until noon today, minus my shower after i throw up everywhere. good nite.

don't know what to title this, because it's just wrong...

As i was getting comfortable in my bed i made at my dad's with my 3 dogs and my little sis, who is a bed hog. i was enjoying the second viewing of twilight when i had a really bad pain, it kept getting worse. as i come to think of it, i was feeling weird all day for weeks. anyways, i was in so much pain even after taking my sleeping pills, it took me until 5 in the morning to get to sleep on my belly. so i took my self to the urgent care today. i have a kidney stone, it is 7cm in diameter. so i cannot pass it my self. it will need to be removed or broken apart, so then i can pass it. also, part of my kidney is swollen and is not allowing fluid to go into my bladder correctly. so i am going to an urologist tomorrow. so they can figure it out. hopefully, i will just have to pass something that will hurt. but waking up to peeing blood and being in the worst pain i could think of, anything has to be better. so i am fine, can't sleep because i just took my pain pills, so they make me silly and nobody will aswer their phone, to blab at me. hello anybody in there. you all know i can't hold my problems in and i need to talk about it like right away and it usually involved someone on the phone with me for hours. tony is taking me in the afternoon to my appointment, so he can hold my hand. he is working nights right now, so it's good it will be after i wake him up and feed him. so i have 2 beautiful boys in my bed with me, so don't tell tony, hehehe it's just my dogs. lvoe you all...

before bed rantings

So as we all know life is been kind of in abundance for me. don't know if i trust this. i fear everyday that it won't last and try to make the best of it, my problem is that i do have an addiction. shopping. i need and want to buy everything. it's seems minute compared to others, but i feel guilty. i could be saving this money or yea saving it for moving out. hello what the fuck am i thinking. also, i was in a convenience store on the way to my sister's and needed to pick up some smokes. this guy at the register was totally hitting on me. like really hitting on me. he was cute really super tall and big like tony, but almost like 7 feet tall. with lots of tatoos and piercings and really hot. i haven't thought another guy is really hot, since i have been with tony. like what the hell, if i wasn't with tony i would have gone back in there and talked to him and asked for his number. but, i love tony and want to spend the rest of my life with him. is it okay that i think this guy is hot, it's like i am totally just confused about this. i dont' plan on pursuing this, but damn he was so fucken yummy and let's face it who really hits on me. i mean i know i am pretty whatever and am totally worth the best, but i'm not super hot . enuff witht he low self esteem excuses i am hot and i was wearing my new make up and i did look super cute. so yea he should hit on me. it brings a new sense of hottness to my life. maybe tony will notice and we can have wild passionate sex. we are down to only like a couple of times a week. no complaints, we have busy lives and do live within close quarters to others. but we need more passion and less of him being annoying. which he as been on my nerves for like 2 days. he is at his friends house now playing wii, i stayed home and made his mom watch twilight with me. which was friggen awesome. makes me want to be a vampire again. i should be in bed, i have to be up in like 7 hours. i only have to work 4 hours, so no big deal. then i have like 4 hours off then i work 4 hours on friday morning. then that monday, starts the beginging of madness at macy's behind the scenes.
so i did forget to mention i got a diamond pin award at work. for providing outstanding customer service and dedication to the company. i was nominated by the store manager along with 14 other people. i got a cool star pin with a diamond in it and a paid day off and of course the awesome recognition. so work is good and life is good my dogs are good. it just needs more balance within my self and a good plan of budgets and things with tony. it's good and i can't wait to see everyone in june. so looking forward to that. okay i need to go to bed, good nite.

my babies were butchered

We had our dogs in the groomers on saturday. we asked for them to trim 1/4 inch with scissors only and they gave them a chopped haircut for the summer, i would have liked to wait 5 more months before they got this cut. they were really rude would not refund our money so tony let them know we would never be back to get them groomed our shop in petsmart every again. they do look cute, but 100 dollars later on something we didn't want, it's bullshit. so bruce is cold and wearing his shirts, he has arthritis, so we need to keep him warm, they kind of look like miniture huskies. but, they are still the cutest babies ever.

ohhh money woes

so i have a delima on what to do about our vehicle situation. my friend sabrina just bought a new vehicle and she will sell me her 98 chevy malibu. it's is good condition, except for the seats and under 85,000 miles and she is really good about fixing cars, new tires, new spark plugs and she has always fixed it if something really little goes wrong. for only 2,000. so i am planning on that, except for tony thinks he needs a brand new toyota tacoma pick up truck. we can afford this but once we get a place to live of our own, i don't want to be stuck with 1,000 dollars in payments for 2 cars and insurance. that's just silly considering he just started his job and the economy. and i can use this car for a couple of years, then we can have the toyota paid off and get new vehicle. i think that is a better deal, and i will have my own paid for in my name car. which i really need something that is mine. ya know. it;s important for me to be responsible and take care of me too. tony says that if he buys a truck the toyota will just be in my name and i will be responsible for all of it. but, i don't want a payment when i barely make enough to be out of poverty level. oh and did you know that if you work full time and make under 15 dollars an hour you are considered at poverty level. stupid huh. so i just don't want to go into have a place and bills with lots of car payments i want to go into this gradually and work our way up into having a nice vehicle, both of us. plus i really want a new bag.

new life, new job, who knew..

so things around here are looking up. tony started his amazing new job on monday, he absolutely loves it! he gets full paid medical coverage, 24 an hour and overtime! he also signed up for the fire brigade, which means he is a fireman now. he gets paid for it too. he can do medic, oil spill, hazardous materials, as well, each year he trains for a new thing. alos, this coming fall or winter he goes to texas a&m for an intensive fireman training for a week. also, every year that you go to all 9 training meetings, you get a 500dollar bonus, so the next year it would be a 1000, and you get it at the begining of december. so i am now officially dating a fireman. i have a cute teddy bear now with the whole outfit and some shirts. tony is so excited about it, like he was born to be one. that's all he talked about yesterday, playing with hoses, riding the fire truck climbing throughta 21 inch diamter pipe. i am so proud of him, it looks like this is going to benefit us so much. with our getting healthy, my divorce getting going, our future is definately looking good, our goal is to buy a house in a couple of years. we of course have to be married before we do this, so wish us luck!

i miss me tony...

so i have never officially had tony away from me, i have been away from tony. it's weird, i am bored, lonley a little depressed. like what the fuck is this shit. when did i need a man so bad in my life, that i can't find anything to do because i miss him. well fuck that shit, it's stupid, and i wish that it will never go away. i have talked to tony everysingle day since we have been together, every day. if i don't well, it's weird, it's not like we are codependent weird crappy shit, it's just that i have found a really good friend in somebody that i love and when this previous crappy shit is over, well i may just find a really good friend in my real husband, now wouldn't that be weird, so ok i won't jinx myself, now. i just miss him and he is busy doing things with his family down there so i won't bug him with my trivial bouts of separation depression crappy poo. i just miss the cuddles, tinkling, kissing, poking, being silly and having someone to just be there and hold my hand, even thought he spends most of his time with his nose in a book, i love that smelly fucken bastard, i really do, and now i can officially say that it sux that he went on vacaation without me, the dogs really miss him, too. we just need him in our lives, thats all. we miss our tony bologne.

it's almost february

so along with trying to stay healthy and eat less, exercise more. i have made some progress i am doing really well i have had some indulgences on friday, i had a snickers bar. oh well it's okay all my main meals and snacks are good and good for me. i did drink a few sodas, but it's definately not a daily thing. so tony got results back and his cholesterol, bp, and blood sugar are down by half due to his strict diet, he doesn't snack because his medicine makes him go potty all the time and he isn't really hungry. well good for him, he lots 8 pounds, fuck that shit, it will take me a month to do that, and he did it ina week. asshole. oh and they laid him off 2 weeks before his new job, which means we have to live on my paycheck for a month oh and he is going to cali with his dad on for 5 days to look at some property for them, i am staying back with his mom. it's my 3 day weekend, what am i going to do, oh well, it's good for him to go and spend time with family. well be okay,only after i have a psycho episode due to the visit to aunt flo, wait did i mention that he only told me this sunday nite, yea awesome. i am just pissy, ya know it will work out and be fine, our goal is to be moved out by august, that is if they don't strike, so well see. oh and i can file for a this divorce, put it in the paper and if no reply in 90 days, they will automatically give it to me, so that means only 5 bucks for paper work, i will do it myself and my goal of having it done by the end of this year looks like it will be accomplished, so on friday i am going down to the court house to find out about this info. i will keep you updated. oh i saw pinneapple express, you should definately check it out

21 days....

IT ONLY TAKES 21 DAYS TO FORM A NEW HABIT!!!!

This is what i tell my self as i am entering my new phase of being healthy. it has been about 2 weeks and i have been eating really super healthy,especially since tony is too, that helps. but, i remind myself that the healthy things that i eat are going to help me in the long run, i want to be healthy and full of energy, i don not want to be super skinny, a size 10 in the end would be fabulous and if i only make it to a sized 14 by the time i come out in june, well that is just what i intend on. i want to be the the super fabulous erin who can wear an awesome bathing suit to hawaii, fit into a decent wedding dresss, someday, and wear shorts again. and be on a regular routine of exercising and eating healthy so i never have to feel this bad about myself or when i do decide to have children, to be healty for that too, yes the smoking will end someday. one thing at a time, hello.but, for now i really do love myself, i just need to love myself in the mirror all the time. thanks girls for all the support and understanding.

battle of the bulge

Low and behold, tony went to the doctor,well more like his physical for his new job. everything was find until he found out his tryglycerites are high, which means that he is borderline diabetic. so tomorrow he has a doctors appoitment to check up on it, because he has to get it under control before he starts working there. and boy is he disciplined, if that was all that had to be done, shit i should have pushed him harder years ago. well it's like it was meant to be awesome jobs, healthier lifestyle, moving out of parents soon,i hope! things are just getting better for tony and i. But the best part is that he is eating really super healthy, 3 carbs a day, low fat everything, even butter. and no extra sugars, he actually reads labels now, and he thought i was crazy all this time. it's nice to have someone eat plain non fat yogurt and granola with, he even takes it too work, and i think the guys make fun of him, but he doesn't care, because he has like 10 days left in the hellhole. going out to dinner, still hard, but with the support of each other, it worked out, too much bread, we ate, but all we have to do is nudge each other and remind ourselves , do we really need this?

support is all i ask for...

As someone is has been over 200 pounds for for than half her life, i say that it is a differnce that someone who has not. I get depressed looking at picture and seeing how big i am compared to others, even my friends. i think about how i can't share my clothes with most of them because i am bigger. What gets me is that you don't see it you want to change it, yet you get lazy or unfocused. Now i am eating healthier, trying to anyways and plan on starting a new exercise program, for the rest of my life, not just temporary, but to be healthy and happy for a long time. i guess i feel upset when people tell me that if they were that big omg, they would be so depressed, that somehow being fat is like being an untouchable, what you aren't worthy anymore, am i not worthy. I try not to care what people think because i know i am beautiful and lots of people love me. It's the loving of my self, that gets me. And when close friends suggest i need to do something before i have a coronary or i need counseling( you know who you are) i try not to be offended because i know you are just trying to help. But sometimes i just need someone to listen and just be there, not judge me or critisize my lack of ambition or tell me how their diets worked and how my isn't what they think is correct. So listen up i have been a really big girl most of my life i do have a eating disorder and i do need help, most of you haven't been big all your life, may have struggled with you ups and downs, but do not know what it is like to be FAT. so what i am trying to say is that I and possibly other peeps, need your support in getting healthy. Please think before you comment on weight, it hurts. And if i didn't tell you this is person, well it's because i probably would have flipped out and caused issues and i don't want that. i just want all of my friends to know that I am getting help and will be struggling for a while.SUPPORT, that's what i need. I will try not to sarcastically put down the skinny people, after all you are people as well. and what may work for you is not necessarily going to work for me. Thanks and i love you all.

new job!

Officially yesterday tony is a operator for shell refinery. he starts on feb 2. The best parts: paid vacation, 2 after 1st year, 1 every year after that, up to 10 a year. possibility of buying vacation, returned if you do not use it. 401k, pension plan, paid sick time. awesome insurance, he actually has to get a physical, i have been getting after him forever for this! and 25 dollars and hour! woo-hoo, possibility of us moving out of the rents, for good!!! so horray for tony and his hard work and dedication for applying the past 2 years! yeayeayea!!!

The blankets have been my best friend...

What am i to belive what is who i am to be. I look at myself everyday and i just want to love it more. I don't want to say i can't, i just don't. What is it that is causing me to hate myself. They way i look, constantly misjudging and questioning my actions, so worried about that i do right, or how i am in this world. I am not going anywhere. Not accomplishing anything. i need a process of getting out of this rut. My rut i dug myself. If i have some goals and something to follow and look forward to. I really need to bring out the good in myself. it's just so hard when i am so comfortable. Comfortable with being just the big girl who is silly who had a hard life and is comfortable with a loving man and goes to work has 2 dogs and does the same fucking thing everyday, if not that means doing something else someone wants to do. Even if i wanted to do something i can't make up my mind about it and i just wan to lie in bed and sleep. i fucking hate the holidays, i have decided they piss me off and i miss too many people. what the hell is wrong with me, i don't think i have been this depressed well since, won't go there. but i am recognizing it, maybe that's what the deal is. my back is starting to hurt again, and i am pissy. So tomorrow is the first day in being healthy:eating better and exercising. That's all i need, i know i can fix this, it's jsut the bottom before you can climb back up that is so hard. it's so hard to pull yourself up the rope and rise to the top, again. Not really knowing how it looks. I will be more successful, healthy, happy and prosperous. I need balance in my head, it's off again. i want to be able to look into the mirror and love my self. love my body, be happy that i am a woman, a beautiful woman. i will get there i know i will.

Mod clothing

welcome one and all.. i have found the coolest site for stuff.... If you ever wished to go to new york, read nylon magazine, love vintage, mod stuff, you should read stuff white people like and go to this site, modclothing.com. i have a link to the right under star dust. it has the coolest accessories, clothes, and knick knack stuff we all are into, robots, owls, mushrooms, birds( i can pass on the bird decor, unless it's an owl or a peacock). so check it out and wish you could buy everything like i did. woo hoo!!!

The winter of 2008

This was the first day of snow that we had in washington for the winter season! it just keeps getting more and more. We have about 16 inches and counting. We went down to the seahawks game. Let me tell you it was cold, but lots of fun, we got to see brett favre play and that was awesome! we bundled up and and sat in snow. we took the charter bus down so we wouldn't have to drive. Even though i think it was stupid to go down in the middle of a blizzard, i did have fun! WE won the game against the jets and was probably the best game of the season, the last year with mike holmgren as the head coach, so we'll see what next year entails. I didn't take any picture at the game but i have more of snow!

today sucks!

things are stupid, my clothes don't fit right and their ugly, my hair sucks, i need a trim. i fucking hate my truck, i had to scrap the inside of my windows this morning, i do love the snow. work is stupid, people can't come in, because of it being too icy, so we have like 4 sales this week, and no body to fucking work. i hate food, but i am addicted. i love smoking but it's bad for me. i hate the air i breathe i want to fucking choke it and i have nothing to wear, because it's so friggen cold that i have to wear 20 layers in my office, no fucking heat. oh and i hate everything, it sucks, having your period sucks, i just want to go to bed and sleep for like days and anyone who talks to me i just want to slap. i need chocolate, ahhh i need a fucking joint, bitch. fuck i hate today!

Too little too late.. i beg your pardon, you are in my way.

I was cleaning my room today, i got a new shelf for all of tony's video games and such. so i fianlly got behind my door to what i thought was just a box of books. no, it was a whole bunch of stuff i collected way back from school and all of your girls high school photos, piano recital recordings and such. then i found this journal, i kept it when i wrote to mike after he died. wtf, wow. it's really strange to read the stuff i wrote myself the feelings i felt, and what led up to where i am not and all the inbetween crap i did. so i am going to share some poems that i conjured up.

nov. 30, 2002
Seasons change
And so do we
Along we are
In a world of everything
The flowers peak
The roses blink
So what do i do
Wish not to think

dec. 15, 2002
Screaming thorns
Blackened rugs
Make me bleed
I dream of nothing
Talk to rocks
Kick the block
Scream at me
I scream at you

The rain that touches my lips is a kiss form you in heaven. The dew that covers the ground is a blanket you give to protect me. And when the wind blows through my hair i know you are lifting me along . Along an unknowing path. The footprints that i leave in the sand, will never be accompanied by you. But i know when the clouds form, your strolling along and thinking of me.

Now i tell my self how pathetically grief stricken i was at this time, to know that six years ago, i didn't think i wanted to ever go on with my life without him. Little did i know, that he was right, i will find my love, not with him, but with someone who really loves me, i will find it he said. it's funny how life changes and how things end up. i am grateful for his life i got to share but not for the pain he caused me, i am no longer mad at him. I feel sorry for his family, which i am not a part of, i was a just a passerby who latched on too long. Good riddence.

so i would like to say good riddence but as i was trying to read what the last thing i wrote was, it fell out of the pages, a picture of him, i can't look at it, i am afraid to, i don't think i have been this afraid to look at him, in years, will it change and show him scary or will it be okay, i don't know what i am talking about, why am i doing this to myself, jsut look at the fucking picture it's okay, it's just a fucking picture, so why can't i do it. because whatever i am silly, i will look at the picture when i am ready to, i still have fear, feelings and unanswered questions, that i will have to wait years for. until i go home, will be my answer. so it's okay to still be scared of someone you used to love. fucken stupid asshole, if he was here i would kick his ass, well if his ghose appears i will kick it's ass too, there i looked at it, it makes me sick,. i will never understand it, nor shall you. okay i am over it, r.i.p.

LIGHT UP AMERICA

It's amazing how often tony and i don't get out. so on saturday,we actually went and did something. my dad gave us tickets to cheech and chong at the paramount theatre in seattle. it was so fucken cool, the theatred is old and has crystal chandeliers, really ornate moldings all around the walls and ceilings and has like 4 levels, we unforunately were at the way top, it made me nervous, i wouldn't get up because i was afraid that i would fall down. they were really funny,too bad i didn't get to see their faces. and it was so smokey in there that i got a contact high. we had to go to jack in the box afterwards. tommy chong talked alot about getting busted and jail and how pot is awesome, of course. his wife actually came out and did some stand up. then we had to pick my friend up from the airport around midnite, so we didn't get home till late and i had to be up to go to work, 3 hours of sleep, i thought i wouldn't make it. thank god for rockstar! anywho, i am really tired and can barely type this. so a better one later, so light up america!~!!!

my career.. did i just step into it...

My inspiration for this blog is stemmed from kristen's recent entry. when you go through life doing what you are good and instead of worry about the money and going from job to job, you do excel and move up and have a great work environment which leads to a great self environment. i believe that i learned that form the job i am currently in. I started with the intention of just needing a job, asap. i worked hard, overcame odds and now i am a morning person. i do my job to my best ability and try to ensure that all of my team members are happy and stress free. i constantly go out of my way to help everyone, without really thinking about it. i actually love the job i have and the place that i work, of course there are bad days, stupid people and corporate bullshit, but overall i love it. i have been continously been moving up and people have noticed and want ne to stay and move up and have a better future in the company. so maybe i have found my niche, i love to organize, do paperwork, delegating is natural to me, but i also help out and do as much as i can, i direct people well and they respond positive. sometimes i can't believe it and i have to step back, if i think too much about it i get nervous that i am doing it wrong, but i let go and just do my job. so it works and yes i will be okay and if i stay with this company forever, it won't be so bad, beause i love to shop and fashion, and maybe that's where i should be. who knows where i could end up in ten years, in charge of something that is a little less technical, i hope i will be there,especially considering my discounts and the people are pretty good too!

karma gets you every time!

karma has kicked my butt, big time. it's like a mammoth came and kicked my mammoth ass, hard!!! so yesterday i called out from work, we won't mention why it doesn't matter, i just called in. so as i got to work this morning, the duties i needed to have done yesterday, well they weren't done. you see, 2 days prior to a sale going up, i view and print the appropriate documents for the promotions. these documents range from about 400-600 pages long, where as i have to sort my family of business and to the correct signers in 2 stores. i only have 5 other girls sing, but it is till a 2 hour process as i have to take them to the other store, chat with each person so they know what other toppers, specials, use your card perks are going on , along with the loyalty( credit) is to be applied for opening a macy's card for the first time, it changes every week. so all the emails i was to print out and pass to the others along with the event errors, weekly loyalty calendrs, also stapling, hole punching, cleaning up the office organizing and printing weekly signs, all on hold because i suck and didn't go to work, so all of this, minus the daily signs to print that come in batches had to be done today on top of taking down 2 sales, putting up and non adverised sale, and prepping a sale for tomorrow and one of the girls in my store called out. ahahhhhahahahahahahahhaahah must kill who ever decided that the sale should go down on a non ad day incorrectly coordinated up down reports, should fuckin die. i worked 9 hours to day , plus the help of the girl in the other store, to get this done. i hope to god the girl comes in tomorrow, next week is her last, so maybe she doesn't care, wtf, i need real people who will work hard, be efficient, shape minded, organized, room for change, and the willingness to work around other teams that change all of our stuff, oh and did i say organized and efficient. yea its'a need. i don't get paid enuff for this shit. so i am having a cocktail. a ginger goji splash, so it's goji berry citrus juive, with vodka, and ginger ale, i am on my second and i am a little tipsy, can you tell because i can't stop typing. tomorrow will be better because i am making a shitload of brownines for everyone tomorrow! okay i am done, enough of the ranting i need a smoke. lvoe

Most people would question my desire to dress up my dogs. to the contrary, bruce loved to wear the robe that went to his king costume, teddy didn't mind the wings, but they both hated the hats, so they lasted like a minute. it makes them feel important and they get lots of attention, and that is their a number 1 for them. so i totally love my pom poms and they are like my kids, so dressing them up for the holidays, it's like a day and whatever i love it. but, you really do have to admit they are super cute!