it's time for a cookie, bitch

Life...hasnn't been going my way.. i have been procrastinating, my fault. i am just in this stupid rut where i don't care. i just feel like to get where i want is going to take forever, i am loosing faith in it and just want to run away. the first time in my life where i can't really do that. shit... what did i get myself into. maybe i just want to run away from this for a moment. i was working a second job for a couple weeks and the lady passed away on saturday morning.. so sad she was only 52, and it made me think i could get cancer really bad and not life a full life, what have i given this life that is worthwhile. okay so me just existing doesn't count, i need to feel like a changed a life, or made a difference. i guess this all stems from being in middle school in when i thought my friends were everything and they totally ditched me and made fun of me and acted like i was stupid and retarded, i didn't talk to anyone for that whole summer.  i told my self i would never have a bunch of friends around just for the hell of it\, but to have a few real good friends i can always count on to have my back and understand me.so sometimes i don't think the people closest to me understand at all or really understand how much it really fucking sucks that i upset. my family here, they don't get it, well i don't let them in because i don't like to let people in, who would imagine that. i know i am sounding shitty, but well i just need to let it out, tony doesn't get it because he never gets depressed or upset unless it's something huge. and well i let things bottle up and then i am like this and that and i am shitty and you suck. grrrr. i am going to have a cookie.