Saturday, January 03, 2009
The blankets have been my best friend...
What am i to belive what is who i am to be. I look at myself everyday and i just want to love it more. I don't want to say i can't, i just don't. What is it that is causing me to hate myself. They way i look, constantly misjudging and questioning my actions, so worried about that i do right, or how i am in this world. I am not going anywhere. Not accomplishing anything. i need a process of getting out of this rut. My rut i dug myself. If i have some goals and something to follow and look forward to. I really need to bring out the good in myself. it's just so hard when i am so comfortable. Comfortable with being just the big girl who is silly who had a hard life and is comfortable with a loving man and goes to work has 2 dogs and does the same fucking thing everyday, if not that means doing something else someone wants to do. Even if i wanted to do something i can't make up my mind about it and i just wan to lie in bed and sleep. i fucking hate the holidays, i have decided they piss me off and i miss too many people. what the hell is wrong with me, i don't think i have been this depressed well since, won't go there. but i am recognizing it, maybe that's what the deal is. my back is starting to hurt again, and i am pissy. So tomorrow is the first day in being healthy:eating better and exercising. That's all i need, i know i can fix this, it's jsut the bottom before you can climb back up that is so hard. it's so hard to pull yourself up the rope and rise to the top, again. Not really knowing how it looks. I will be more successful, healthy, happy and prosperous. I need balance in my head, it's off again. i want to be able to look into the mirror and love my self. love my body, be happy that i am a woman, a beautiful woman. i will get there i know i will.
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3 comments:
ok so this is going to sound pretty cheesy...but you should look in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful, creative, intelligent, and well just amazing that you are! You are the only person who can really truely 100% love yourself and I'm discovering that there is quite a process to it. We have been telling ourselves for years that we can't do that, we are ugly, we'll never amount to anything, we'll never be those kinds of people. Well I say what the hell!?! We are amazing, we are beautiful, we will be successful and be whatever it is that we want to be! I know the process is hard, as I've just started it and am struggling with the ability to keep that positive mind frame but you know what...I can do it! You know that saying "you can do anything if you put your mind to it!" Well, they aren't kidding we really can! We can create any kind of life that we want, we just have sit back, visualize, and paint our own canvas! You're such an inspirational and motivating person Erin and I have no doubt that you are going to create a wonderful life, seperate from past upsets and let downs...those patterns are no longer you and I'm so excited for you to realize that to!
I love you girl and you can do it! Go be AMAZING!
love you so much beautiful erin! eternal forward motion...
it's the realization of what i am and how i possess my self what i have been doing to my body, my mind, i have deminished my spirit, my track in life just stoppped and i freaked out, threatened to move out and leave tony, hated christmas, was ready to just run away, i just need to pick myself up and just be me at the best and most beautiful way i can. thank you!
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