new life, new job, who knew..

so things around here are looking up. tony started his amazing new job on monday, he absolutely loves it! he gets full paid medical coverage, 24 an hour and overtime! he also signed up for the fire brigade, which means he is a fireman now. he gets paid for it too. he can do medic, oil spill, hazardous materials, as well, each year he trains for a new thing. alos, this coming fall or winter he goes to texas a&m for an intensive fireman training for a week. also, every year that you go to all 9 training meetings, you get a 500dollar bonus, so the next year it would be a 1000, and you get it at the begining of december. so i am now officially dating a fireman. i have a cute teddy bear now with the whole outfit and some shirts. tony is so excited about it, like he was born to be one. that's all he talked about yesterday, playing with hoses, riding the fire truck climbing throughta 21 inch diamter pipe. i am so proud of him, it looks like this is going to benefit us so much. with our getting healthy, my divorce getting going, our future is definately looking good, our goal is to buy a house in a couple of years. we of course have to be married before we do this, so wish us luck!

i miss me tony...

so i have never officially had tony away from me, i have been away from tony. it's weird, i am bored, lonley a little depressed. like what the fuck is this shit. when did i need a man so bad in my life, that i can't find anything to do because i miss him. well fuck that shit, it's stupid, and i wish that it will never go away. i have talked to tony everysingle day since we have been together, every day. if i don't well, it's weird, it's not like we are codependent weird crappy shit, it's just that i have found a really good friend in somebody that i love and when this previous crappy shit is over, well i may just find a really good friend in my real husband, now wouldn't that be weird, so ok i won't jinx myself, now. i just miss him and he is busy doing things with his family down there so i won't bug him with my trivial bouts of separation depression crappy poo. i just miss the cuddles, tinkling, kissing, poking, being silly and having someone to just be there and hold my hand, even thought he spends most of his time with his nose in a book, i love that smelly fucken bastard, i really do, and now i can officially say that it sux that he went on vacaation without me, the dogs really miss him, too. we just need him in our lives, thats all. we miss our tony bologne.

it's almost february

so along with trying to stay healthy and eat less, exercise more. i have made some progress i am doing really well i have had some indulgences on friday, i had a snickers bar. oh well it's okay all my main meals and snacks are good and good for me. i did drink a few sodas, but it's definately not a daily thing. so tony got results back and his cholesterol, bp, and blood sugar are down by half due to his strict diet, he doesn't snack because his medicine makes him go potty all the time and he isn't really hungry. well good for him, he lots 8 pounds, fuck that shit, it will take me a month to do that, and he did it ina week. asshole. oh and they laid him off 2 weeks before his new job, which means we have to live on my paycheck for a month oh and he is going to cali with his dad on for 5 days to look at some property for them, i am staying back with his mom. it's my 3 day weekend, what am i going to do, oh well, it's good for him to go and spend time with family. well be okay,only after i have a psycho episode due to the visit to aunt flo, wait did i mention that he only told me this sunday nite, yea awesome. i am just pissy, ya know it will work out and be fine, our goal is to be moved out by august, that is if they don't strike, so well see. oh and i can file for a this divorce, put it in the paper and if no reply in 90 days, they will automatically give it to me, so that means only 5 bucks for paper work, i will do it myself and my goal of having it done by the end of this year looks like it will be accomplished, so on friday i am going down to the court house to find out about this info. i will keep you updated. oh i saw pinneapple express, you should definately check it out

21 days....

IT ONLY TAKES 21 DAYS TO FORM A NEW HABIT!!!!

This is what i tell my self as i am entering my new phase of being healthy. it has been about 2 weeks and i have been eating really super healthy,especially since tony is too, that helps. but, i remind myself that the healthy things that i eat are going to help me in the long run, i want to be healthy and full of energy, i don not want to be super skinny, a size 10 in the end would be fabulous and if i only make it to a sized 14 by the time i come out in june, well that is just what i intend on. i want to be the the super fabulous erin who can wear an awesome bathing suit to hawaii, fit into a decent wedding dresss, someday, and wear shorts again. and be on a regular routine of exercising and eating healthy so i never have to feel this bad about myself or when i do decide to have children, to be healty for that too, yes the smoking will end someday. one thing at a time, hello.but, for now i really do love myself, i just need to love myself in the mirror all the time. thanks girls for all the support and understanding.

battle of the bulge

Low and behold, tony went to the doctor,well more like his physical for his new job. everything was find until he found out his tryglycerites are high, which means that he is borderline diabetic. so tomorrow he has a doctors appoitment to check up on it, because he has to get it under control before he starts working there. and boy is he disciplined, if that was all that had to be done, shit i should have pushed him harder years ago. well it's like it was meant to be awesome jobs, healthier lifestyle, moving out of parents soon,i hope! things are just getting better for tony and i. But the best part is that he is eating really super healthy, 3 carbs a day, low fat everything, even butter. and no extra sugars, he actually reads labels now, and he thought i was crazy all this time. it's nice to have someone eat plain non fat yogurt and granola with, he even takes it too work, and i think the guys make fun of him, but he doesn't care, because he has like 10 days left in the hellhole. going out to dinner, still hard, but with the support of each other, it worked out, too much bread, we ate, but all we have to do is nudge each other and remind ourselves , do we really need this?

support is all i ask for...

As someone is has been over 200 pounds for for than half her life, i say that it is a differnce that someone who has not. I get depressed looking at picture and seeing how big i am compared to others, even my friends. i think about how i can't share my clothes with most of them because i am bigger. What gets me is that you don't see it you want to change it, yet you get lazy or unfocused. Now i am eating healthier, trying to anyways and plan on starting a new exercise program, for the rest of my life, not just temporary, but to be healthy and happy for a long time. i guess i feel upset when people tell me that if they were that big omg, they would be so depressed, that somehow being fat is like being an untouchable, what you aren't worthy anymore, am i not worthy. I try not to care what people think because i know i am beautiful and lots of people love me. It's the loving of my self, that gets me. And when close friends suggest i need to do something before i have a coronary or i need counseling( you know who you are) i try not to be offended because i know you are just trying to help. But sometimes i just need someone to listen and just be there, not judge me or critisize my lack of ambition or tell me how their diets worked and how my isn't what they think is correct. So listen up i have been a really big girl most of my life i do have a eating disorder and i do need help, most of you haven't been big all your life, may have struggled with you ups and downs, but do not know what it is like to be FAT. so what i am trying to say is that I and possibly other peeps, need your support in getting healthy. Please think before you comment on weight, it hurts. And if i didn't tell you this is person, well it's because i probably would have flipped out and caused issues and i don't want that. i just want all of my friends to know that I am getting help and will be struggling for a while.SUPPORT, that's what i need. I will try not to sarcastically put down the skinny people, after all you are people as well. and what may work for you is not necessarily going to work for me. Thanks and i love you all.

new job!

Officially yesterday tony is a operator for shell refinery. he starts on feb 2. The best parts: paid vacation, 2 after 1st year, 1 every year after that, up to 10 a year. possibility of buying vacation, returned if you do not use it. 401k, pension plan, paid sick time. awesome insurance, he actually has to get a physical, i have been getting after him forever for this! and 25 dollars and hour! woo-hoo, possibility of us moving out of the rents, for good!!! so horray for tony and his hard work and dedication for applying the past 2 years! yeayeayea!!!

The blankets have been my best friend...

What am i to belive what is who i am to be. I look at myself everyday and i just want to love it more. I don't want to say i can't, i just don't. What is it that is causing me to hate myself. They way i look, constantly misjudging and questioning my actions, so worried about that i do right, or how i am in this world. I am not going anywhere. Not accomplishing anything. i need a process of getting out of this rut. My rut i dug myself. If i have some goals and something to follow and look forward to. I really need to bring out the good in myself. it's just so hard when i am so comfortable. Comfortable with being just the big girl who is silly who had a hard life and is comfortable with a loving man and goes to work has 2 dogs and does the same fucking thing everyday, if not that means doing something else someone wants to do. Even if i wanted to do something i can't make up my mind about it and i just wan to lie in bed and sleep. i fucking hate the holidays, i have decided they piss me off and i miss too many people. what the hell is wrong with me, i don't think i have been this depressed well since, won't go there. but i am recognizing it, maybe that's what the deal is. my back is starting to hurt again, and i am pissy. So tomorrow is the first day in being healthy:eating better and exercising. That's all i need, i know i can fix this, it's jsut the bottom before you can climb back up that is so hard. it's so hard to pull yourself up the rope and rise to the top, again. Not really knowing how it looks. I will be more successful, healthy, happy and prosperous. I need balance in my head, it's off again. i want to be able to look into the mirror and love my self. love my body, be happy that i am a woman, a beautiful woman. i will get there i know i will.

Mod clothing

welcome one and all.. i have found the coolest site for stuff.... If you ever wished to go to new york, read nylon magazine, love vintage, mod stuff, you should read stuff white people like and go to this site, modclothing.com. i have a link to the right under star dust. it has the coolest accessories, clothes, and knick knack stuff we all are into, robots, owls, mushrooms, birds( i can pass on the bird decor, unless it's an owl or a peacock). so check it out and wish you could buy everything like i did. woo hoo!!!

The winter of 2008

This was the first day of snow that we had in washington for the winter season! it just keeps getting more and more. We have about 16 inches and counting. We went down to the seahawks game. Let me tell you it was cold, but lots of fun, we got to see brett favre play and that was awesome! we bundled up and and sat in snow. we took the charter bus down so we wouldn't have to drive. Even though i think it was stupid to go down in the middle of a blizzard, i did have fun! WE won the game against the jets and was probably the best game of the season, the last year with mike holmgren as the head coach, so we'll see what next year entails. I didn't take any picture at the game but i have more of snow!

today sucks!

things are stupid, my clothes don't fit right and their ugly, my hair sucks, i need a trim. i fucking hate my truck, i had to scrap the inside of my windows this morning, i do love the snow. work is stupid, people can't come in, because of it being too icy, so we have like 4 sales this week, and no body to fucking work. i hate food, but i am addicted. i love smoking but it's bad for me. i hate the air i breathe i want to fucking choke it and i have nothing to wear, because it's so friggen cold that i have to wear 20 layers in my office, no fucking heat. oh and i hate everything, it sucks, having your period sucks, i just want to go to bed and sleep for like days and anyone who talks to me i just want to slap. i need chocolate, ahhh i need a fucking joint, bitch. fuck i hate today!

Too little too late.. i beg your pardon, you are in my way.

I was cleaning my room today, i got a new shelf for all of tony's video games and such. so i fianlly got behind my door to what i thought was just a box of books. no, it was a whole bunch of stuff i collected way back from school and all of your girls high school photos, piano recital recordings and such. then i found this journal, i kept it when i wrote to mike after he died. wtf, wow. it's really strange to read the stuff i wrote myself the feelings i felt, and what led up to where i am not and all the inbetween crap i did. so i am going to share some poems that i conjured up.

nov. 30, 2002
Seasons change
And so do we
Along we are
In a world of everything
The flowers peak
The roses blink
So what do i do
Wish not to think

dec. 15, 2002
Screaming thorns
Blackened rugs
Make me bleed
I dream of nothing
Talk to rocks
Kick the block
Scream at me
I scream at you

The rain that touches my lips is a kiss form you in heaven. The dew that covers the ground is a blanket you give to protect me. And when the wind blows through my hair i know you are lifting me along . Along an unknowing path. The footprints that i leave in the sand, will never be accompanied by you. But i know when the clouds form, your strolling along and thinking of me.

Now i tell my self how pathetically grief stricken i was at this time, to know that six years ago, i didn't think i wanted to ever go on with my life without him. Little did i know, that he was right, i will find my love, not with him, but with someone who really loves me, i will find it he said. it's funny how life changes and how things end up. i am grateful for his life i got to share but not for the pain he caused me, i am no longer mad at him. I feel sorry for his family, which i am not a part of, i was a just a passerby who latched on too long. Good riddence.

so i would like to say good riddence but as i was trying to read what the last thing i wrote was, it fell out of the pages, a picture of him, i can't look at it, i am afraid to, i don't think i have been this afraid to look at him, in years, will it change and show him scary or will it be okay, i don't know what i am talking about, why am i doing this to myself, jsut look at the fucking picture it's okay, it's just a fucking picture, so why can't i do it. because whatever i am silly, i will look at the picture when i am ready to, i still have fear, feelings and unanswered questions, that i will have to wait years for. until i go home, will be my answer. so it's okay to still be scared of someone you used to love. fucken stupid asshole, if he was here i would kick his ass, well if his ghose appears i will kick it's ass too, there i looked at it, it makes me sick,. i will never understand it, nor shall you. okay i am over it, r.i.p.

LIGHT UP AMERICA

It's amazing how often tony and i don't get out. so on saturday,we actually went and did something. my dad gave us tickets to cheech and chong at the paramount theatre in seattle. it was so fucken cool, the theatred is old and has crystal chandeliers, really ornate moldings all around the walls and ceilings and has like 4 levels, we unforunately were at the way top, it made me nervous, i wouldn't get up because i was afraid that i would fall down. they were really funny,too bad i didn't get to see their faces. and it was so smokey in there that i got a contact high. we had to go to jack in the box afterwards. tommy chong talked alot about getting busted and jail and how pot is awesome, of course. his wife actually came out and did some stand up. then we had to pick my friend up from the airport around midnite, so we didn't get home till late and i had to be up to go to work, 3 hours of sleep, i thought i wouldn't make it. thank god for rockstar! anywho, i am really tired and can barely type this. so a better one later, so light up america!~!!!

my career.. did i just step into it...

My inspiration for this blog is stemmed from kristen's recent entry. when you go through life doing what you are good and instead of worry about the money and going from job to job, you do excel and move up and have a great work environment which leads to a great self environment. i believe that i learned that form the job i am currently in. I started with the intention of just needing a job, asap. i worked hard, overcame odds and now i am a morning person. i do my job to my best ability and try to ensure that all of my team members are happy and stress free. i constantly go out of my way to help everyone, without really thinking about it. i actually love the job i have and the place that i work, of course there are bad days, stupid people and corporate bullshit, but overall i love it. i have been continously been moving up and people have noticed and want ne to stay and move up and have a better future in the company. so maybe i have found my niche, i love to organize, do paperwork, delegating is natural to me, but i also help out and do as much as i can, i direct people well and they respond positive. sometimes i can't believe it and i have to step back, if i think too much about it i get nervous that i am doing it wrong, but i let go and just do my job. so it works and yes i will be okay and if i stay with this company forever, it won't be so bad, beause i love to shop and fashion, and maybe that's where i should be. who knows where i could end up in ten years, in charge of something that is a little less technical, i hope i will be there,especially considering my discounts and the people are pretty good too!

karma gets you every time!

karma has kicked my butt, big time. it's like a mammoth came and kicked my mammoth ass, hard!!! so yesterday i called out from work, we won't mention why it doesn't matter, i just called in. so as i got to work this morning, the duties i needed to have done yesterday, well they weren't done. you see, 2 days prior to a sale going up, i view and print the appropriate documents for the promotions. these documents range from about 400-600 pages long, where as i have to sort my family of business and to the correct signers in 2 stores. i only have 5 other girls sing, but it is till a 2 hour process as i have to take them to the other store, chat with each person so they know what other toppers, specials, use your card perks are going on , along with the loyalty( credit) is to be applied for opening a macy's card for the first time, it changes every week. so all the emails i was to print out and pass to the others along with the event errors, weekly loyalty calendrs, also stapling, hole punching, cleaning up the office organizing and printing weekly signs, all on hold because i suck and didn't go to work, so all of this, minus the daily signs to print that come in batches had to be done today on top of taking down 2 sales, putting up and non adverised sale, and prepping a sale for tomorrow and one of the girls in my store called out. ahahhhhahahahahahahahhaahah must kill who ever decided that the sale should go down on a non ad day incorrectly coordinated up down reports, should fuckin die. i worked 9 hours to day , plus the help of the girl in the other store, to get this done. i hope to god the girl comes in tomorrow, next week is her last, so maybe she doesn't care, wtf, i need real people who will work hard, be efficient, shape minded, organized, room for change, and the willingness to work around other teams that change all of our stuff, oh and did i say organized and efficient. yea its'a need. i don't get paid enuff for this shit. so i am having a cocktail. a ginger goji splash, so it's goji berry citrus juive, with vodka, and ginger ale, i am on my second and i am a little tipsy, can you tell because i can't stop typing. tomorrow will be better because i am making a shitload of brownines for everyone tomorrow! okay i am done, enough of the ranting i need a smoke. lvoe

Most people would question my desire to dress up my dogs. to the contrary, bruce loved to wear the robe that went to his king costume, teddy didn't mind the wings, but they both hated the hats, so they lasted like a minute. it makes them feel important and they get lots of attention, and that is their a number 1 for them. so i totally love my pom poms and they are like my kids, so dressing them up for the holidays, it's like a day and whatever i love it. but, you really do have to admit they are super cute!

omg i need it so bad....

okay this is the deal, their are really cute dooney & burke handbags on sale at my work for like 40-65% off the original price. then with my 20% employee discount, and an extra 20 employee discount this weekend along with an i could have a super cute designer bag. omg what to do also in all the other department i can get 10-15% off plus all of the above, make up for what like 50% omg, what to do. give me like lots of reason why i shouldn't take a loan out to purchase the whole entire store. so i just want a bag. even if it's just a little one. ahhhhh i love hang bags i should have my own company, does anybody want to start designing bags with me, i can never find the one i really like the girl i work with is a seamstress and she will help.

Erin needs

i have been reading every ones "needs". i wasn't going to par take in this activity for it sounds a little fucken retarded. but, funny indeed. so i went to google and put in my name thinking that i would be getting something that i had no clue about, it didn't make sense, then i realized. this is fucken hilarious. so these are my needs and well, some may be true, most are ridiculous, and like everyone else., a double digit anything is good.

Erin needs
Another miracle- obviously i have issues that need to be solved, seriously.

The looney bin- i will be admited at 5 am tomorrow morning if anyone would like to join.

To wear shirts with straps, my tits must be falling? who da thunk?

Get a drink- fuck yea a double 7&7 . drink up

A liver transplant, yes it's all that drinking that i do.

To visit the library, yea i haven't read a book in a while, thanks for reminding me.

A bookshelf for all of my piano books, are they invisible and see throught my walls, because yes that is true.

To be naked, well possibly, what's the catch

And the number one thing that Erin Needs:

What most white girls want a cock that measures into the double digits. hell yea bitches, give me one of them. woo hoo.

So as you can see i really enjoyed this activity. i may have not done it correctly but, it was fucken hilarious. thanks for the entertainment and hoped you enjoyed it too!

movin on up to the east side... to the house in the sky.

So my new puppy teddy bear has taken upon himself, to really show the world what pomeranians are all about, sleeping in your spot. he loves to sleep exactly where you want to and he doesn't move, you have to literally pick him up and transfer him. then he tries to snuggle down with you. i love this so much, he is the most amazing dog. you can pick him up carry him around he gives you kisses and he puts up with anything, and sometimes when he barks he howls like a coyote. i love it, he is definately part of the family now. he just fits in and has become quite a wonderful dog. On another note, i had a interview sort of thing at work today. it goes like this. the store manager recommened me to this girl who is in charge of planning and staffing, so to say. they are implementing an associate to manager program in all the northwest stores. so you go through training and classes to become a manager and move up in the company. well, since i am totally awesome and do well at my job, he recommended that i talk with her, then i get to be picked out of all these others people to do classes, first i have to do a panel like thing kind of like and interview. so hopefully she likes me and i get to go to the classes. even if i don't get to be a manager soon, at least i will have the education. but they really think i could do this, never thought i would, but it would be cool, to stay within the company and make more money. and if you ever get a chance to shop at macy's you should, because they are awesome, best deals ever. so that's the news and i am stickin to it. oh and it's my birthday on saturday and i don't have to work, woo hoo! but i will be 28, what do you do with that? almost 30, that's friggen scary.

Happy halloween!!!

This is my front porch in segments, i wanted you to see upfront, so i did it in sections. i love it, but at 4 in the morning, it's kind of creepy the ghost who is a motion sensor, has a dying battery so when you go by it sounds like he is grunting for poo poo. anyways, have a great hallow's eve.also, i obviously have crooked pictures, so whatever.