blue jays once again, ruined it all...

I knew from above that i would be, a person of light and dark, from the breathe of might. No one can take me away from that. okay so i thought i had a poem going for me but the blue jays are squaking outside my window. they taunt me you see. is it wrong to hate the blue jay? Tony thinks that it is my spirit guide. but, why? mmmm?

May your wings be spread, with the gusts of light, that descend upon you from heaven above.
May you fly so free, from the gust of winds, that keep you grounded in pain.
May you smile so brightly, from the kiss of life, that spins in your soul.
May you tread ever so lightly, upon the ground you walk, from this is where I come to you.

week 3 of june 2008

so it's a new week, i plan on going to the college tomorrow to get signed up for school. hoping that i can get a pell grant, depending on my marital status, it might affect it, so pray for me to get one! also i have tomorrow off from work, which i desperately needed for some reason. besides, the school thing, i just need time to myself. sarah's last day was today, and we still don't have anyone new to help me. so maybe i need this time to reflect how i handle stress and the duties, i need to perform well. i pray for this week to be effortlessly wonderful! also, the rents are out of town for a while and that's nice too. like tony and i have our own place and we just get to be, i love it like this! soon, we will get to have it like this all the time! SOON! well, i am also looking forward to this weekend, i think we might go to the drive-in, i hope i get to see get smart, it looks like it will be really funny! last weekend i saw sex in the city, agiain! my friend, sabrina, hadn't seen it yet, so obliged, and went! i love the series and the movie and carrie is my favorite, so if you haven't gone, you should, because it is friggen awesome! well, i am just blabbing, to blab. tomorrow will be productive and worthwhile! thank you!

new haircute!!!

So i am finally putting up pictures of my new haircut. i am totally loving now that the girl from my work fixed it. it has lots of layers in the back and the side, i don't know if you can tell too much. but all i have to do is blowdry it and a little straigtening in the morning and i am good to go. it's nice having a haircut that doesn't take so long to prepare. it is a little short for me. but i love it, i have a little style to it and it's great! oh and this is the silly picture of me and tony it 's great that i can still be in love with this man after 4 years. he knows me more that i know myself sometimes, and for him to be around and be as silly as in the beginging. well, i love it!

educate yourself!

I just got done watching and incredible movie. Charlie wilson's war. if you haven't seen it yet, well you should. so many things are happening to us now, because of these situations. did you know that because we skipped out so soon from afghanastan in the early eighties, did not help them rebuild and support them after we gave so much, that is the reason why they hate us so much over there. i mean, they think we are satan. we gave them weapons and trained them, so they could fight the soviets. then as soon as we acoomplished it, that was it. that their were men in congress who didn't give a fuck about fixing schools, and housing for these people. it amazes me that we haven't been fucking bombed by everyone. that is why we are where we are in the war with the middle east. i can't believe that just some help and support after all that money and pushing to get that accomplished and we backed out. we ended up with 9/11 people we love and know going to war, and we wonder why? well, that's why because of politics, because we as a nation are not informed. well, maybe we all shouldn't be. i am done with that, i need to make a difference somewhere, i need to know more. i need to know that i can count on my government to stand up for me and my needs. and it doesn't matter what party you go for or how much the candidates say pretty things anymore. it comes down to this. who do you think is going to make the difference, push us to the limits as people with information, to help our situations. it's just not a few, it's all of us, we need to be educations on international affairs. what can we do for our country?

if only the leaves fluttered ever so lightly, would i hear your voice?

so sometimes i may not be what you want me to be. sometimes i am what you always wanted. sometimes i am everything that you want to be. and sometimes i am never going to be quite like you. but, right now , i am me ever loving, ever changing, and ever questioning. my right as a person, friend, lover, and everything before and after. i am curious as to why you are the way you are, curious as to why i am this way to you and everyone else. what does it mean to me? well, what does it mean to you?

life is like a box of chocolates....

so once again i have had the ever popular, back that goes out while making your bed. with a dose of let's crawl on the floor to the b.r. and to the computer to get the phone only to realize it was in the bedroom all along. whf.i am doing better now, i can stand up straight, which this time, my back problem is different, i couldn't straighten my back and when i did it looked like i was dragging my leg side, like my stupid hips were out of place again, which last time was a main cause of my back problems. so now i reviewing my health insurance in the midst of changing over to hmo, can't decide what to do, mainly because i have no idea what they are talking about, so my friend sabrina who is the h.r. person for shell refinery, is going to help me this weekend, they sent all the info on cd's so that will be helpful. then next week i can get into a pcp see about and mri and figure out wtf is up with my back and have a diagnosis so i can continue with a treatment plan, hopefully just chiropractic care and not steroid injections, or surgery, or anything remotedly scary. so with 2 days off from work, with pto, i slept organized part of my life, and continuing on with a plan., now on to the next plan of schooling, is nursing goign to be appropriate with my back problems, or the hell with it contiue my plan and just see how it goes, i like the later. so that's my week. i work tomorrow and not again until monday. wtf, my life is like a box of chocolates, i fucking have to eat every piece, make my self sick, throw up and wonder why i ate them all, because it happens everytime. funny eh?

fun times, fun times!

so i am up late, i don't have to work in the morning, not until monday morning. i found the link for the secret thing, that is pretty interesting. i needed help on finding it, thanks kelly. so i have a pretty busy weekend coming up. i am going to my first pilates class with my friend lizzy tomorrow. i haven't hung out with her much because she has been doing her internship in seattle for an architecture business, so we are doing healthy gym things while she is working more at macy's . i go to the same gym as her, sarah, and sabrina. it's fun having new friends, sometimes. get new views on life and such things, and relearn what it's like to have a friendship with people in your own state. no offense to my awesome girlfriends, but i have been needing new good, honest and positive people who i can actually visit with. so after i do my new pilates class, i am letting in a maintence guy to sabrin's house, so he can paint something, while she is at work. while i am waiting i am getting thai food from sarah's other work, i love it their, i had spicy basil chicken last time and cocunut sticky rice for desert. delicious! then i am goign to rent p.s. i love you and watch that tomorrow nite! then on saturday i am going to get jean so we can shop for jerei's graduation gift. then we are going out for dinner probably. then on sunday i am going to get her again then we are driving down to seattle for jerei's graduation. it will be so exciting, i am going to take lost of picture even though he will be like no stop whatever, i don't care, stop taking my picture, you crazy lady, that i have known forever, but forget to talk to. he is silly and i am so glad we have gotten back to talking again, we have been kepping up on talking at least once a week. and it is like you said, kellly. even if you have lost contact for a while, we just pick up like we left off and it was only yesterday. it's so awesome and special. so my weekend is pretty busy and even though i complain that i am busy and don't have time just to be. well, i take that back, because i was home all day today, expect for going out to get my weekly latte and to the store, i had nothing to do today, but watch t.v. and now that i think about it, i could have done a million things. but really it is nice just to have nothing to do, or at least pretend, as i did on this really rainy day in washington. so for some reason i am type happy today and can't manage a phone conversation, sorry kelly i am totally discombobulated sometimes! i just need to breathe and focus on the better and be grateful, that i have people who want to be my friend. i just need to put in the effort just as much back. oh and the reason for this other new and long blog, i actually sewed up my pants today. all by my self, it was frustrating and took me forever to thread my needle, i did it and i did it well. i was damn proud of myself. i think my sister will be too, she won't have to sew my crap up any more. so yea, i accomplished another thing that i was saying i can't to, because i am easily frustrated, and i don't have patience. it's funny when you just do it because well, you have to. it just keeps getting easier and easier. soon all of my confidence levels will be up and i will accomplish everything i set out to do!i am really thirsty now. i need some water! i need to drink more i have only had like 2 today. well, another habit i need to set. it only takes 21 consecutive days, to set a habit. i read it at my gym. so that's a fun fact for the people out thier who seem to not get all their goals accomplished on time. so i should get water and go to bed, because i am sure tony will wake me up at 5 to fix something like lunch or breakfast, just to be a butt and these long blogs will stop. i mean it's not so bad i just feel like typing instead of talking. ... m&m's have a new ice cream treat and it looks like a giant m&m, i want to try it! good nite all!!!

entrapment? free at last? content? what should i chooose?

as i am sitting here in my computer room, knowing that i need to put up a new post, because my situation from last week is definately over. i am pondering on exactly what has gottem me this far and what i have accomplished and the things that i really don't care to share with others that have gotten me this far. especially finding out about secret,com( the idea is kind of cool). so here i am wondering what interesting insights or ideas have have conjured up this week. well, i have been busy with work, daily life, i have been not sleeping well and napping a lot during the day, man 4 in the morning comes really fast. and sometimes my days at work, are really long.
really what i want to talk about isn't what i am doing this week or anything in particular. just about life, and how it moves and doesn't and what i really need to do, to move along and become a part of my community and a life force for my family. yea things are how they are and the past is the past, but right now i am just me. with tony at his parents house living harmonily. as much as it can be, getting ready to sign up for school, haning out with new people. getting my self go to the gym. just staying busy and loving it, it makes me feel gracious and accepted and knowing that i don't need constant approval to know that i am a good person, a great friend, and a loving girlfriend, an awesome sister and a blessed daughter, and a forgving one at that, and and happy granddaughter. i am all these things, becuase all of those people are a important part of my life. yes people come and go in this life, well because they do, maybe less at sometimes and more at others. maybe i have lost trust with others or we just don't have time and that's ok, because it happens for a reason. i remember someone telling me that it's cute that i think we should still all be really close friends. well, it did hurt, but i realized, i do live in my past, because i haven't really made a present for myself. well, in the past months of working again, and making really friends that are positive, happy and willing to partake in activaities that benefit ourselves, i have realized that i do have a great present and i am pursuing for a great future. i will get there and it is going to be awesome. no doubt there will be hard times, but i know that whatever i do i will have lived out a great life, so when my times comes i am ready and because i don't have a choice. i may not be completely prepared, legalities and such. but, that's life and i love it. i would like to change certain aspects of my life, and sometimes my past, but i know it would definately change now, and i just accpet and never regret my past, because it has gotten me to where i am today. but a question i have to ask is just because i do have a past with certain peopel to i need to always have them in my life? their are lots of peeps out there that i don't always have completely contatct with, but with the help of myspace, well, we all know how that is. but i sometimes find that the people you keep in your life they are there for a reason, to grow and ponder with, i love that. to meet every couple of years, ponder our accomplishments and have laughs at the past, isn't that what family is for. well, maybe not everyone feels that way. i don't know, but i just hope that i am not keeping friends just because it's an obligation and i hope it's not the other way around. i want real viable people in my life. to count on and be a part of eath other's lives for as long as possible. doesn't it matter that we only talk once in a while, that maybe we are closer to others' and not so much with everyone, i don't know. i just love that all of my friend past, present and future will all hold a diffent value to me. also that my love for tony is growing everyday. we have our downs, i have a mean streak that i am definately working on, tony likes to provoke my anger, but recently we have calmed that down, with our sex life calmed down with that, which i just realized and that's a little weird. but we need to find a balance and get out fo the clouds. so my goal of going to school is goin to move us forward and into our own place, and ever going goal that i need to pursue along with my divorce behind me! it will happen and i can honestly say that i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but maybe i am kind of like samantha in the movie sex and the city, i have to constantly put that behind me. i love all people, but i need tony in my life, he completes me life no one else has, but sometimes my desires have a tendency to run out of control. that's why we stay home and don't drink out because i like to play a little too much. i guess it's good that a certian someone doesn't live here anymore, because that was going to far too. okay enuff of this talk. but i just want all of you girls to know that i love you for who you are and will be and always, and i hope you can do the same for me!

i'm staying

first of all i would like to thank all who listend to me rant and rave about my indecisivness. thank you girls so much for the imput and advice, i take it all very seriously. so, i am staying on start team as a signer. for the fact that my schedule for this fall will be pretty intentse, this is my main goal, so my supporting goals, should be less stressful and less intense. and i think being a serious commision based sales associate, would not be my forte as this time. possibly in the fall i can do it on the weekends, as a divisonal, where i wouldn't have the goals of commision or whatever they require. plus as i was looking at the requirement for the nursing program, i noticed that i need to get my cna license. i had let it slip because of my back. so this summer i am going to retake the classes and my clinicals, so by the time the requirement in 2009 is up, i will be prepared and ready. so that will require me to be employed at least part time while i take the classes and obviously for my clinicals, so that will be added income and i can work around my schedule at macy's for that as well. so i made my decision and let my supervisor and the i.a. manager know the deal. i feel confident in it and happy, disappointed that i didn't look into it further before i pursued it, lesson learned. and well, you always should learn something new everyday. good riddance.

can't handle it.

if i weren't such an indecisive person i would be getting what i want. but, i just don't know what to do, i want the new position really bad, think i could handle it well. but, no one on my start team wants me to go, even the store manager, they need my leadership and hardwork and they trust me to help the others get things right, they would would rather me stay on start team. but, it's all up to me, what i need to do for myself. they are even willing to give me more hours, and they can work around my work schedule more if i stay on start team. wtf. i feel so torn and stressed, that i gave myself a friggen stupid panic attack at work today and i had to leave, i couldn't breathe i wouldn't to throw up, and everyone was pissing me off, i just had to leave and cry, because i can't fucking decide what i should fucking do, like what the hell, it's just a stupid fucking job, that everyone thinks i should do except for my supervisor, of course, i should stay, more hours, flexible school schedule, ;perfect, except for just wanting to try something different, look pretty and make some extra money, just doing something fun. well, i don't know, tony isn't helping, because he thinks i would be a great sales associate, wtf does he know, i hate people and shit and poo and grrrrrrrr i just want to run around crazy in my head and fly away,i can't concentrate or breathe correctly, because both stupid positons would be great, all i have to do is just say yes, but something is holding me back, why, why why.ok i can do this, i told my sup. i would have a decison by tomorow morning, so i just need to do this, maybe it's my fear of being center of attention, i don't like that too much. and the selling part, if it wasn't for commision, i think i would be better at it, ya know. i can see my self doing it, but when i think of other people watching me do it, i freak,because i am a fuckine chicken shit bitch. ok well i;m not, i am just being negative. ok i will just take a breath and come back with another draft of positve words and pros and cons of this, i just need more time to think.

further ahead that i thought...

well, ladies, i may just be a certifed bra fitter in the coming weeks, that is if i can convince my current manager, why i should leave the start team. right now i am the lead signer, which to my standings is good, i always seem to be in the top which i can hold really well. i just need to be challenged and needed. and in my department, their is no need, just technical ability and repetiveness. which i can handle, perform well, and achieve. i just need to be closer to the clothes, i love fashion so friggen much, that i just see with this positon getting closer to that dream. if i could actually be anything in the world right now, it would be a fahion designer or stylist or boutique owner, kind of like a betsey johnson thing, but less intense, and more like me. i know i could do it, i just need the education, know the right people and the drive. so for now i am striving for the sales associate of the intimate apparrel department at macy's west in burlington, wa, at the cascade mall. i know i will do well, because i have to do well in everything i do, i am just better off being a manager, because i love to tell people how to do things just right, actually i am a pro and delegating. much until i am totally satisfied i am goign to continue on my path of nursing, with a side of fahion, oh and i will know by thursday if i get the job. my interview was awesome, i looked great, felt great, i will get it. that's all.

new position?

Today has been a really frustrating, only because i made it that way, but the one thing that came out of it was, i am applying for a new position. i have decided to apply for the sales associate position in the intimate apparel department at macy's west in burlington, it kind of sounds professional that way. i am considering this because i need a new change of pace, better hours to suit my college education and another reason to buy new clothes and look pretty every day and continute my discount, plus i would receive commision and other cool benefits, go to vendor fairs. their is actually a training course to be a specialist bra fitter, how exciting. well, the ladies that work in that department have been bugging me about it for a couple of days so i spoke with the manager, got the application and i am going in on friday to talk to her and have a interview. i have put aside the fact of having to leave the start team, when we are already down 1 girl and that sarah wants to leave, but this is my life, my time and i need a challenge. i am nervous and unsure of how well i will do. that means i should go for because what's the worst that could happen? nothing. i only work a max of 29 hours, in that dept, but i can pick them up in other dept. so i am going for it and not applying for the chef assistant position and the thai restaurant, that sarah thinks i should do so we can still work together, i don't really want to work in a kitched right now. it would be hot and stressful and i don't want to, i would rather stay at macy's and keep my benefits, so i will keep you posted on the outcomings, but i am really excited! wish me luck and some prayers, thanks. i love you all!

i feel the water running over my hand.. leading me to my light.

I have decided that i am going to pursue the career of a nurse. i have been thinking about it for years and i really need to go thorugh with this, if i am going to get anywhere in my life, i have just been floating. i hate floating.actually, i rather be in charge of where i go along this river we call life. i am the captain of my own destination. i possess the navigational tools to lead a successful cruise. i will find my destination, pick up those along the way who may guide me along this, it will never end, just as the water moving never ends.

understandings of the life of you...

Welcome to my blog... you have reached the highest possible connection in which to possess powers within. please do not depart from this page, it is not a test. it is a true and positive force within us all... noted from the pages of eternal happiness and peace for all mankind.

goals... at which i need to be consistent and disciplined!

Today i realized that i really need to make some major adjustments in my life. if i ever plan on getting ahead to be the person that i know i am capable of being.

1. save my money( i will shop less for unescesary items. which includes, clothes, bags, make-up)ing frugal, is what i will aim for.

2. be confident in myself, i can achieve anything i put my mind to.

3. go to school( nursing school is my goal, it is a career which is stable, needed, openly availble, no matter where i choose to live, self fullfilling by helping otheres, and a comfortable nest egg) which everyone needs.

4. release past conflicts, which need to cease due to present situations.

5. find friends who are trustworthy, good, wholesome, happy, postive and fun. surround myself with these person, in order to have a sound and soughtful life full of friends who love me and i love them, they last longer that way. love the ones that i have and nourish and keep together with the ones that i have.

6. de clutter my mess. get rid of build up of material junk clutterin my head and life. letting go of these things, will push me forward into a clear focused life of love and peace with in myself.

7. be happy.. to not get upset or pissy at the small things. simply breath, close my eyes and think of why i am upset and how i can avoid the anger i build up inside. there is a reason for all things. and if it needs to be done, just do it. express the feelings why i do not want to do it or disagree with the situation. stand up for my beliefs and reasoning. NO MATTER WHAT!besides the possibility of violence, abuse, or anything hurtful to otheres or myself( that is a given)

8. procrastination not being an option. learn how to get things done, on time and in a good, healthy manner, this will lead to less stress and anxiety for all.

9. love myself. i am all that i have, and if i cannot do this, who can i love. i am beautiful, smart, trusting, happy, loving, funny and reasonable. i can maintain peace within myself.

10. be healthy. learn to eat healthier, less consumption, exercise regulary. becareful not to upset my back issues.

these are some simple yet very profound goals that i am focusing on. i am going to change my life for the better. i need to do this so i can live my life how i want to, not by others. peace love and happiness

once again.. in the life of.. me...

So i think i need to get away from the sappy emotions i have been having for a while. and let's get into some good ones. well, for starters i went camping this weekend up at baker lake. we went from friday to saturday, because well, we like our time alone at home, we have kind of formed a niche. we enjoy being along together in the house, without anyone around, i believe, more than anything. we get invited to go places and do things and we are just like, well no. i guess we are old boring folks. but, it just suits us right now. but, we had fun camping, ya know smores, fishing, walking, being in nature, chasing bruce in the middle of the night in the campground, because he thinks he needs to sniff everything. i was freaked out some scary animal would come out and eat us, so i chased him around with the lantern. which including was freakin' cold as hell would be. so we had fun. then we went home and i napped for like 4 hours and just hung out together. we just like to be... i have started getting into reading at least 1 book a week. everyone should read Loving Frank. it's about the love affair between mamah cheney and frank llyod wright. a truly inspiring and moving true story. the struggles women have with their lives to choose how they want to live and love. to give up the normalcy of life in the early 1900;s which i belive we still have some in us. to leaving family, children and everything you know behind to fullfill your needs, wants, aspirations, and knowledge of the world and to be with the one you truly love. the struggle to find the peace with it all. so it really inspired my love for reading, again. the feeling of just waning to find myself and enjoy what is around me and just find me. so it's a must read. let's see, what else. not much. working, not as many hours as i want, cooking, and that's all pretty normal.

DESPERADO

I don't what it is, but i have desperately been wanting my mom near me. it's all i can think about and everytime i do something it's all i compare things to, like how she used to do this and what she would say. so i put up this video, because it is her favorite song! everytime i hear it, i just sob, knowing that it totally defines part of her life and is so relative to her situation. if she would just have let someone really love her. well, it could be so different. but, it never will be. so i have just been missing her. wish she would just call and say " erin, no matter how bad it gets, it can only get better" she always said that to me. man, why didn't she follow that? i just love her so much and want her here to see who i am and what i will be, doesn't everyone want that? but i am being selfish and i personally just need to let go. or maybe this is going to lead up to when i can finally forgive my mother and be at peace with her abrupt departure from us. i will get here i try everyday. so when you listen to this song, just picture my mom in her apartment, windows open, the breeze blowing throw the curtains, and her cleaning around her place and just singin the hell our of this song. god, i miss that so much, you know the way she just loved me or as much as she could. it just fucking sucks so much that one person could be so inspiring for all the downfalls they endured, amazing actually. because i have always grown up not wanting to be like her. but now, truthfully i would love to be the wonderful, loving, open-minded, fun person that my mom was. funny how life takes you and that drops you. i just wish when i drop it wouldn't hurt so bad, i guess i need some more padding, ya know.

i hold hands with a ghost...

When i think of times i had you at my side, i sigh. knowing you were just there, satisfied me so. i can't recall the your scent or even your voice. i do know your face and how you would always comfort my pains. to a time all i wanted to say to you was a yelling threat of words, trailed by resentedment, pain, and the promises you never kept. these are things i throw back in my head at night as i cry. to know i had you,whenever i would call. Just the thought of your exit, inflicts pain, unimaginable by the naked eye. i ask forgiveness, for i fear i can't forgive you. if only i could let go, just once and be centered that i had you for a reason and that time is only a fragment of reality. then i could rejoice, knowing when i go home you will be thre, at my side with the smell of your skin and the throbbing hum of your voice as i go to sleep. but to stop and be happy with my memories, is the hardest task,that I endure. I keep it with me all the time, wishing i could just empty my pocket and throw it all away. but, you as well as i, know throwing things away,only leaves us empty. I don't want to throw you away, just push the pain aside. I am just afraid that when i do, i will have to stop holding hands with you.

i don't have a title for this...

so this has been a couple of hard weeks for me and my family. we have dealt with a close friends, death, wrongful death at the hospital, she was only 39 with 3 kids, awesome house, tons of money, lots of friends, family, the whole shebang. now she's gone. the funeral was really emotional for me, it reminded me of my mom and mike and tony's grandma and everyone else i have lost indirrectly or not. i cried a lot, more than i was expecting. i felt embarrased because i was crying for her kids and how we as a family were going to miss her, especially tony's mom, they were best friends. so it made me realize. life is so short. thinking about maybe doing something, but never putting foot upon our goals, because we are too damn comfortable with what we do in our routines, to change. how pathetic. really, i have been lately, i have a job that i love going to every morning. even though it pays shitty, and the hours are bad. i have a great family system and support at home, even though it drives me crazy. my dad and sister are alive and like everyone else struggling to make it, but that's how they roll. my cars all work, i eat well, smoke, sometimes have an occasional drinky for relaxation. i mean i am so damn comfortable i am totally afraid to move on and take the risk and fear of paying my bills, working more than i want to , not wasting my money and doing all my extra time in for others, well, as we have all been blogging about what we should do and why life sucks. maybe we need to sit back and realize , it doesn't if i was in irag or thailand as a prostitue or being raped everyday in the work fields, or having to beg for food, not having anyone at all or living in my own hell of dependency on drugs, booze, men and abuse, then i would profoundly be worrying how to kill my self or someone else to survive. so that's not me or any of us. we have it so good, yet we pity ourselves into thinking we can't do it. well, if one of those unfortunate people in really bad circumstances, can make it out, go to school, have jobs and take care of kids, because they have no other choice. well, i have no other choice, but to be the best i can be. that's all their is to it. and if in the end i spent years in college have no clue, what to do with my degree or skill, well i keep going on, because if i don't i could be one of those unfrotunate souls. i don't want that for me or any of us. so i am giving my self a goal. i am signing up for some sort of schooling for the fall. then i will work another job this summer, to save up and tony and i will be in a place, definately okay, i don't have a goal on that, but, this is personal. and i know i can make the school thing for this fall.