I want a pony for christmas santa!

It has been an emotional week for me. Our financial issue have caused me to be a psycho nagging bitch. Which if someone would just stand up and do their part, i wouldn't have to be. Besides that my work is insane. Managing an office for a retail store. It's totally insane. So it's like i am an administrative assitant to the store manager, which i am in charge of the cash office, secretary to every little thing that happens. So i have to not only please human resources and be their secretary i have to please operations and ensure that everyone is doing their part so i can enter and keep track of everything. So every meeting they have, i enter into the computer and keep track of the progress of safety, the budget, schedules, etc. It's insane and i certainly am not getting paid enough for this responsibility. I love the experience and how it will look on my resume and hopefully help me move up in the company, if the opportunities arise.
also, i was visited by my aunt flo for the first time since i lost the baby. To be honest i was a little heartbroken and relieved at the same time. Heartbroken that i am not pregant( we aren't trying). And relieved that my body is starting to function somewhat properly. also a little scared because what if it happens again.
I had this dream the other night that i had a baby girl. We had to leave her in the hospital longer than i could stay. I couldn't go pick her up, so i made tony do it. Because i didn't want to. Then he brought her back and he was so excited and happy. When i went to hold her i didn't feel a connection, almost like she didn't belong to me, and i didn't want to have anything to do with her. at one point in the dream i left her on the bed, to go to the bathroom. When i came back she was gone and all i could hear was her crying. i eventually found her under the bed. i was upset that i would be blamed for her beign hurt. that's all. I felt the emotions more in this dream than i ever had. I just had not connection and wanted nothing to do with her. But, tony was just beside himself.
This stuff is so emotionally disturbing to me. It's everywhere. People with babies. People pregnant, toy babies in the stores. Babies on tv. ahhhhhh... it's so much and then the holiday season and you know people that aren't here, like my mom. i feel like i am going to cry at everything. i mean just putting ornaments on the tree last night, and all i wanted to do was cry, because i could be having a baby, and i wasn't, and my mom wasn't here and we will be opening presents and no baby. 
I just need to calm down, this is what happens when i get days off , i think. no more. i am done.

Stay up up up!!!

I pray that everything I have been through was to give me strength. The strength to hold on to life. To hold me up and never let me cross that fine line. The one that will snap in a given moment in some. I pray that I hold on to hope.

i have gracefully taken every blow. I fall to the ground, shaken, scared, afraid to react. Then i stand up, dust my self off and contunue on. Right now, i continue until the next hit. So much pain and loss. I have not once given in. So is that my lesson, never give in. Never let the pain take over. What did i do in my past lives that i now need to learn no to be taken over by such devestation.
I write this to a testament to myself. If i were to ever list the shit i have gone through, i wouldn't. My life has been so tough. one thing after another. I am trying to figure out if i am giving enough to this world., if that is the cause of all this mess. So dramatic and life changing, each one. I am just so tired, lost, and mad. Mad at myself for not trying hard enough. I don't want pity, empathy, or encouragement, i just want an answer. One thing just to make it okay. Am i in my right place. Am i what I am. It's like it's out of reach, just past my fingertips, it only shows when the light shimmers over the layer of dust that surrounds the world. I just keep going, day by day. Until that one day when i don't stand up, it will be okay.

AHhhhhh! i start my new job next week.. Money is fucked up.. Stressing me out.. I know it will be fine. it has to. Just when getting this temp job would help us out, it's all we have for the moment. I need to just get shit together. abhhhhh... this year is fucken crazy. I am changing my nail polish. that's my change. tomorrow is better

3 libras

that's what i have in my life, my dad on the 11th, tony on the 6th, and me on the 18th... i had a great time on saturday when my dad and sister came over. we celebrated all of our birthdays. i made homemade lasagna( that was amazing, thank you very much). drank some wine, watched a movie, then had pumpkin pie. my sister and dad got tony a new book and a seattle seahaws t-shirt, he loved it  of course. then she got me a new purse, (yea) and soem bath and body works set, i think it's called dark kiss, well whatever, it's amazing., and it came in a cool purple bathtub! it was fun to have my family , the dogs and just hang out. Then with tony's parents gone, even tho i miss them, it's nice to have the house to ourselves! it's like our very own vacation. Then yesterday tony gave me his present early. He got me some new perfume! so i should be smelling good for a while, mmmm i wonder if this means they think i smell bad. any who, it's been a good week, i had a few days off, and i go back for 3 full days, then off for my birthday , and to pick them up at the airport in seattle , on my birthday. so i am hoping they will take me out to olive garden. i'm getting my hair done today. nothing major, just up keep . wish i could go short again, but i am trying to grow it out, it's just since well the loss , i have so much calcium in my body, i have long nails, and my hair is growing thicker, and it's crazy just like 6 weeks ago , i had my hair done, and it's like it's been 3 months. so yes it's been 6 weeks since the miscarriage. i am better about it. i am not as sad, but when i see babies, or families, on t.v. or wherever, it makes me tear up because i still want that, i honestly thought it would pass, but truly it hasn't this is what i want. but, enough of that, i will 30 in less than a week, i am starting a new job, sooooo here's to positively good new stuff!!!!!!

new job!

So i finally got the administrative support team supervisor position. which basically means i am in charge of the cash office, assistant to the store manager and human resources manager. which i will have my own office, have more reponsibilites as in scheduling the two cash office associates, interview schedules and matching managers to the schedule, scheduling computer based training, on-line paperwork, for new associates. Attending lots of meetings and taking lots of notes. So this will be an awesome experience. i am doing this position while my current supervisor is on maternity leave. So i am hoping i can overcome my flaw of feeling bad when i have to tell people bad things,... something i will definately over come. being more assertive goes along with this. which i am having a in balance issue with this, due to the other position i once had as a manager, when i was too assertive, had two employees quit because of me, and lost some friends, due to me being too bitchy. so now i am not assertive enough i need to become this. not because i have to but because i have a tendency to sugar coat things, so i don't hurt people's feelings. i have no problem doing this in my own personal life. so why as a professional do i feel like i can't. because i do not want people to hate me. i know if my friends and family think i am bitchy they will still love me. but, strangers, co workers.  so i am going to work on this, do my best and be myself. i will have this job for 4 months, and if she decides to not come back or leave soon after she comes back i could have it full time. so wish me luck. i will be busy, stressed and well back to my regular work self, hopefully. 

Bring me love...

I have some awesome news!!! i spoke with  mike last week about getting this divorce taken care of. He has gone to our lawyer to make sure that all of the paperwork is sign correctly. Then the lawyer is just going to page where i need to sign. So hopefully i will be going down in a couple of weeks to do this. Then the he said he could have it filed going through court in a month. So I am only counting on that it could be possible that i will be free by the end of the year. I am not going to believe it until i see it. But, this means that i also don't have to pay for it myself, and i no longer have to worry about it who has to sign what and send to here and show up,, blah, blah , blah. So here is to hoping one thing will go right this year.

also since i am going to be turning stupid 30 in like 2 weeks. I want the following to happen:
  get the job as adminstrative support team supervisor, temporary, possibly leading into full -time!!!
 Tony to pass his border patrol test on my birthday.... Just send out good vibes, please!!!
To not be sick.....
All of this things mentioned could bring endless possibilities to our future. Who knows where it will take us or how far we can go... Things are needing to change. It's been such a hard year, which so many obstacles weighing us down..It can only get better right, and they were all things that were uncontrolled. i could have never ever prevented any of them. So here's to trying to somewhat have control on our future.

sick days.

so on top off everything else in my life. i have managed to get sick. i have a sinus infection, which is gone due to my antibiotics i took earlier this week, but i had to go back on wednesday, get chest x-rays, no pneumonia thank god!!! but, i had to have my oxygen level tested, be put on a nebulizer, which helped tremendously. to find out that i have asthma.  which i did have sports asthma in school. but this is different, i tried to move some boxes at work on friday, only across the hall, and i coudln't breathe, at all. i was also prescribed a steroid to open up my bronchial tubes for a couple of days, it make me so hyper, anxious, restless, that i hardly slept for 2 days. it helped, but now it's been a week, i still feel shitty and my ears are still plugged up, my nose runs, and i cough. due to which i haven't been smoking so that's a plus. i am just tired, and don't feel good, i want it to go away. im afraid i will have to go back to the dr, to have my ears drained, because i hate the feeling of them being so plugged up. it seems i always get sick at the beginging of fall. so stupid, this stupid cold and flu shit....

I heart you!!!

I probably shouldn't talk about this but, very few of you know who i will be talking about. A really good friend of mine and jerei( don't tell him i told anyone, i just need to get this off my chest,please!) has been diagnosed with lung cancer. She found out a week after her friend i helped take care of for her passed. She has been feeling it for about 5 months now. They cannot pin point the exact spot, so they cannot remove it, give chemo( which she will refuse anyways). It will most likely move into her esophogus, liver, and then bones. She has lost 30 pounds since i have seen her, which has been only over a month. She looks so bad, her eye sight is going. So i met up with and had lunch with her today and went shopping. I just cannot believe it. She was like my other mom and i don't want her to go. She is such a neat lady has been though so much herself, she doesn't deserve to go out like this. But, it makes me wonder if you go though so much in life is the end really dramatic as well. It seems to be a trend... And all i could do is ball my eyes out when we went to leave, poor thing even held me, though her chest feels like it's on fire and it hurts to the touch..So i will be strong for her, even though she says she wants to be alone in the end. bullshit, she cannot be alone, i have always promised i would be there. As much as she will let me, she is a damn stubborn lady. I guess i have had her in my life for so long, that it would seem just so wrong for her to be gone. If it wasn't for her i would have never left mike and made it though that time in my life. The first time i met her is when i lived in our little pink house on 4th street, right up from the warf, and she came knocking on my door, wondering if i had seem any ferrets. I hadn't, but she lost one of hers. From then on.... she has been there, making me food, gabbing, smoking, drinking, just being there. When i moved 4 blocks down from here, i used to loose wiley my dad's dog ( lived with me at the time) he always went to her hours to get food and play with the ferets, she would call me up and ask if i was missing wiley again, of course..This is going to be especially hard for jerei, he is like the son she never had, that's how there bond is... So if you talk to him just don't mention it until he does, cause he's like that. But, we don't know how long she has, so just keep her in your prayers and thoughts, please!!!

i can't think of a cool title for this... so i am calling this.. i can't think of a cool title!

So i go back to the doctor in a week for my pap. i also need to mention that the pelvic pressure i felt when everything was happening, started about a month before that. not a lot, but like for a minute every once in a while. i even looked it up on line under pelvic pain... nothing about being pregnant. so i looked it up again. and low and behold it's all about pregnancy. also tailbone pain in added in with that too, and it started like 3 days before. So many signs added up that why did i notice. but, watching the show i didn't know i was pregnant. lots of women went through what i did, ended up being pregnant and didn't know it, they all ended up having a baby, but they didn't know... it just made me feel better knowing i am not stupid and at least i know the symptoms now, and i am aware as all women should if even if you are not in the putting pregnancy in your world at the moment.. just know it! know what to look for, because it can happen even if you are on the pill, tubes tied. amazing how when something wants to come into the world it just does....
I am also going to need to discuss my behaviors since then, more like my mood swings. it's like one comment sets me off, and i freak out. I don't want to, and after i let it out, i just cry because i know it didn't mean anything, i wasn't really pissed off, just frustrated. Also, i go from abeing happy, to sad, to angry, to blah, in a matter of a wink of the eye. So i have been doing all this looking up symptoms, and did you know that post traumatic stress is a possibility. since what happened was traumatic, followed by depression. The ativan the dr. gave me helps, i have been taking it everyday, once i know i won't be driving, which is usually after dinner, it definately helps! But, something has to give... i can't go on like this...I know it takes time and patience to deal with this, but i am tired of feeling like my head is going to explode. Along with my headaches, my bp going back up, my stomach problems, the constant anxiety which turns into either a anger flare or a sob fest...I guess was not prepared for this type of loss. I could deal with everything else that has happened to me, i am strong i move on.. But, this girls..... maybe i have been pushing too much aside in my life and moving along too soon! It's like my mind and body have slowed down and it's making me deal with it on a level i have never experienced. I just have to believe everything will work out! That's all i can do. So i have  alot to discuss with my dr. maybe I will look into finding a group or going to a therapist, again. I think that it's more than this loss, i think it's all of my losses, pain, and stress thoughout my life just bursted it's bubble.  I know i;ll be fine..I have to be, i need to. Not just for myself, but for tony.. He';s been so good to me, being there, being the brunt of my madness, the should i lean to.
I just really need to be stronger. I need to do this!  I need to show tony that i cannot be broken... I have stood so long.. Now it just feels like i want to fall. But, no i will not. We have to be strong as a team, a couple, for the sake of our future. Because we are going to have an awesome one, with or with out babies. Definately more pomeranians!! okay enough of this! i made really good spaghetti and meatballs today. i can focus on my cooking, it relaxes me and makes me feel important. until i get our of this forsaken place, which will happen! i must march on... I will not do harm unto other under this house... which i want to sometimes. I will place my anger towards something positive... It's times like these i wish i had a piano. it used to save me from my mother. I guess it wasnt saving me, but i felt safe, invincible. In a world i knew wouldn't tear me down... And what the hell did i do in a previous life that i need to constantly keep myself afloat from such tragedy, grief, and disappointment. Maybe because i don't see it like that until someone mentions it. It's just my life day by day. I mean so many people go through sooo much more that i do. And they can make it! i have the strength, power, and love!!! And anyone who reads this... if any of this makes sense, well i'm glad because i sure as hell don't feel like i am. and im too tired to read it back. maybe tomorrow. maybe never.... is it bad luck to always read what you wrote.. should you wait a while. or if you don't will it change... whatever... i'm rambling because im tired. Its also a full moon tonite! i should get out the chalk.. if you put it on warts it goes away. if you tie a ribbon in your hair and draw a picture ofwhat you desire and then put it over the body part it corresponds to it will come true. of course the color has to match the type of desire. my grama used to tell me that. we would do it when i was little. funny how little things make you want to go back.,just be little for a moment and revel in it! i think i have some yellow ribbon...mmmmmmm.. well good nite!

I need to be rebalanced, ladies!!!

who knew i would still feel so lost, sad, and just sooo blah... Everytime i hear someone is pregnant, then i read an article about someone looising a baby, then it's on t,.v. then they are at work, everyone. everyone has babies, or has lost babies. I just can't take this... It makes me hopeful yet scared, that I may never or i will end up being pregnant with twins, ok it runs in my family, my grandma june is a twin. so i'm just so whatever. i look down at my belly, and never before in my life have really wanted a baby in there. I feel like i am going crazy. First of all i would have never admitted this to anyone, yet here I am telling the world, well my world. I just want baby clothes and baby things and all i think about is baby baby baby....fuck.......yes if iam not thinking about babies i want to just have sex, sex sex.. That's it i am positively just going insane right now. I know that with the hormones of pregnancy going out of my body, oh yea one more month of that, plus the hormones of birth control... And the loss of a baby, i just want it. So i am hoping all of this will just calm down and i will just be ok... Well, at least a less insane moody freaky forgettful, klumzy girl. Crazy girl.. I really just want some peanut m&m's like right now.. so need some, but i guess i can just go for some dried fruit mix, which is fine, i just need a good girl night with laughing, crying, wine, cigarettes, some good fucken groovin music, and a strange bed. just i need to go on a vacation somehwere and stay in a hotel, with a massage, pool, hottub, my girlz... Shit.. i need a fucken awesome vacation... or even a nite away, from this room, these moments, just away, an unknown away, ya know, just to rebalance!

Up and away...

Have courage for the greatest sorrows of life and patience for the small ones, and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily tasks, go to sleep in peace.. GOD IS AWAKE.
( Victor Hugo, Frech poet and writer)


To love means never to be afraid of the windstorms of life: should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the beauty of the carvings.  ( Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, swiss born american psychiatrist and writer)


To be nobody but yourself-in a world which is doing it's best to make you like everyone else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting. ( e.e. cummings, english poet)

FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES AND WE FORIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US.( the lord's prayer)

Sometimes the quotes of others inspires me to look beyond my own self and remember that something larger is at work here. Something I may have created.. It's life... My life... It's hard , sad, and can tear you down... But when you look up what do you see...I just hope you never tell me.. Because for each one of us it's differnt.. To me that makes it all worth while... My life... my something large and powerfull... It's all mine..I don't know why all of these things happen to me and why I need to learn all of these lessons... But I will go on until it's my time to turn down the sheets and visit the stars...

Always on my mind

I love this song. tho it was a sad one, it reminds me of being little out on the farm with my mom and dad and the record player going and willie playing in the backround. it just makes me feel like i am home!

Within

Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds that light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest to us.( Johannes Eckhart, german mystic)

I needed you....

Yesterday at work i was approached by my supervisor and the human resources manager, asking how many hours i wanted to work during the holiday and while i was in school. I told them i woudl work as many as i could , so they wanted to know if i could work 40. at first i was like shit... i don't know. but i said yes, and i could do it. Then they asked me if i was interested in my supervisors positions while she was on maternity leave. i said that i had been but with school i didn't think it would work out. They said that i could do the weekends and it didn't have to be just during the day or week. So they was cool. It would be  a signifigant pay raise and yea more hours!  Then later i was went back the the hr manager because of my concerns and reservations of the position such as my fellow employee being there longer in the position and so forth. She told me not to worry because i was more qualified for the position due to my experience as a lead before in the company and that i was just good at my job. OMG!!! she has been asking me for like a couple of months but i am like well school whatever, so now i will be at 40 hours in october and until she comes back to work in march or april. I really need the money and it's great experience. i mean really good experience. so i don't know what i am going to do with school, they stil don't ahve my shit together and it starts in like a fucking week. so i am thinking i can do this position make some money! and get into classes for spring and go from there. ALso, jenn has told me that after maternity leave she might just come back for a couple of month afterwards, because she has been trying to start a day care. so it could be permanent.... i mean woowwowowowoowow. it's crazy. on top of that i met up with mike last nite gave him the papers then he will send them back to me and i will file them.and 3-6 months, will be free. sooo things are just happening and changing so fast. It's like loosing this baby opened my eyes. Makes me just do what i need to do. becuase for the first time in my life i know what i want. I am getting ahead in work, school is always there for me to go to. not that i won't. but right now this is great, too! And i really want to have a family with tony. He's been applying for tons of jobs on top of getting ready for school. it's just so weird, i mean all of these things happening. I am still really sad and kind of depressed. i admit that, i cry everyday, but i get up go to work, even tho i hurt to my core, my muscles, even in my toes and fingers just hurt... STill sooooo tired, that i need to nap everyday. but i am being honest with tony about my emotions and all of my feelings, which i have never really done. opening up more telling him really what i want and for the first time we are on the same page. when i say babe i am sad right now, he just holds my hand and smile, that's all i need, just him to hold my hand and i cry but i stop and we go on.. so for all the shit that has happened this year. it's picking up we are making our goals i mean for god sake i am going to be 30 in like a stupid fucking month.. we are adults and we need to act like it. oh and i've lost like 4 pounds! sweeet!!!!!!!!

update

So i went to my dr. appt this morning. my lady parts are healthy normal, great. my cervix is squishy, and that is suppossed to mean it's good. Oh and to top it off not only did i get handled by my dr. but she had a student. hey 2 for the price of 1 haha. anyways on to the serious stuff. i am going on birthday control. she said it would help the bleeding, headaches, and help get my periods back to normal, until i decide to have a baby. she said we should wait at least 3 months, but studies now show that after 2 weeks you can conceive and everything will be fine. i don't know what this means for us yet. it's just the stats. i feel like a science experiement. then she went over how we could monitor my ovulation for the future and that would help. we went over how it's genetic for me and most of my family who has experience this went on to have healthy babies. i got blood work done to check and see if i am anemic. i will be going back in about 2 weeks for  pap smear since i am still bleeding and they couldn't perform one. So i'm ok, physically. they also prescried me something to help relax and ease my anxiety. which will help me sleep. i opted out on getting sleeping pills. i would probably sleep forever and when i have to get up and count money in the mornings, that's won't work. So it's been a week. i feel like shit.. which i will due to all the hormones. headaches, fatigue, muscle soreness, fucken tit soreness. nothing like having your tits fondled when they are sore and hard. yea it sucked. So i am just going to fucus on going to school., being healthy for myself, quiting smoking, yes tony and i are going to do this together. so i don't know when it will happen. but soon! so just thank you everyone for being there for me listening ! i appreciate it soooo much! all of you had such good insight and advice for me and i took it all in! I will get through this tony has been well tony, he has been great! i just have to remember that he doesn't read minds and i have to tell him what i need sometimes. that's ok too, because he is just trying to be strong and be a man for us. he feels sad and disappointed but soo happy that we can get pregnant that's all he talks about. i just hope i can feel happier about which i will. when i am not so upset about this and i know we have a stable home and school is over.. and we can afford it. anyways, i am ok it will take time. so i am jsut taking one day at a time. that's all i can do . now i am going to go get my prescriptions and take a nap. much needed.

Mighty

Being strong is not just standing up when things go wrong. It's accepting that you are standing in the face of what is wrong. Being true to yourself about your emotions and having the courage to share it with others. This is what i am .  I am mighty.

:(

enter phase 1

well it's almost september. i have registered for school, my transcripts are in progress of evaluation, my financial aide is going through, slowly. i should find out this week or next what classes i can get into. so pray that i can get into the pre requisites that i need for nursing and not knocked into another program. pray pray pray!!! so i am totally excited to embark on this long awaited journey. so the practical nursing program is 2 years, hoping i get in after my year of prerequisites. then i will have to work a year's worth of hours to be accepted into the r n program. which will only get me an associates degree. which is totally acceptable by me. then off to get my bachleors. which is my goal by the time i am forty. i give myself leeway due to the fact the closest place to do this is seattle. so i am in a good direction, as long as my entry ends of being fabulous! and my work is totally willing to accommodate my schedule as long as i get one soon!

it's time for a cookie, bitch

Life...hasnn't been going my way.. i have been procrastinating, my fault. i am just in this stupid rut where i don't care. i just feel like to get where i want is going to take forever, i am loosing faith in it and just want to run away. the first time in my life where i can't really do that. shit... what did i get myself into. maybe i just want to run away from this for a moment. i was working a second job for a couple weeks and the lady passed away on saturday morning.. so sad she was only 52, and it made me think i could get cancer really bad and not life a full life, what have i given this life that is worthwhile. okay so me just existing doesn't count, i need to feel like a changed a life, or made a difference. i guess this all stems from being in middle school in when i thought my friends were everything and they totally ditched me and made fun of me and acted like i was stupid and retarded, i didn't talk to anyone for that whole summer.  i told my self i would never have a bunch of friends around just for the hell of it\, but to have a few real good friends i can always count on to have my back and understand me.so sometimes i don't think the people closest to me understand at all or really understand how much it really fucking sucks that i upset. my family here, they don't get it, well i don't let them in because i don't like to let people in, who would imagine that. i know i am sounding shitty, but well i just need to let it out, tony doesn't get it because he never gets depressed or upset unless it's something huge. and well i let things bottle up and then i am like this and that and i am shitty and you suck. grrrr. i am going to have a cookie.