shit, we are out of toilet paper.

My friend sabrina from texas is up visiting this week, so i took some time off to spend with her. She is such a positive, independent, successful women. It reminds me how much i do need to work on myself, for myself as if no one else matters. Well other people do matter, many.. It is just unfortunate that many people that do matter or either dead or so far away. Which, then i tell myself, erin, it's okay, you do not need someone to unleash all your  negativity upon, find another outlet, turn it into goodness. then i say ok, let's shop, eat, smoke, have a drink. then i say erin, these are material or even worse negative outletws.  So  what.. do I have... so to get to my point, i am on a 7 day off from work, to get some stuff done during the week, see my friend and to just breathe. then i realize. wtf, i should be on vacation somehwere else, staying home, sleeping in, is not making it better. i need to be out, seeing people, enjoying something.
i am totally sabotaging my own life.. because i have become bitter, bitchy and negative. i have been blaming tony, my past, the day for all the things wrong. it's all me, how i perceive, how i handle it. if i am to be happy.. i need to do it on my own for my self, as if no one else matters.
I am unhappy... At this moment, sad... don't know why, i am even tearing up.. so maybe i am starting my period soon, but as of right now.... i feel like no matter what i do , i am not satisfied with myself or anyone. nothing is making it better.
maybe i am stressed because i cannot afford to buy the new skin care line my friend sabrina is a consultant on. it's all natural, non tested on animals, and made in the us, but formulated in sweden. it's awesome stuff, have used it for 2 days, but the 323 price tag, makes me want to scream, because it is not something i could afford on a month to month basis. so it reminds me of i want this lifestyle, products that i cannot afford. i have to remind myself it's ok, i will get the cheaper stuff, which is what i can afford. it's ok,it will work just the same.
so it boils down  to this. tony and i hav been together for i believe 7 years this month, we both do not have a clue on the date, but when ever i got back from iowa after my mom passed in the summer, so     this weekend.
we have never celebrated, any anniversary or anything romantic, and it's all because i stupidly married still.
so yep. the same problems i had in the begining.. um, yep still here, the years go by and i don't change.
so what do i do. piss and moan , get a fake promise from tony and it goes on,
so it is me, my choice not to have the papers signed, which is due to being lazy and stupid.
so i am holding our life back, in every way and yet i blame it all on others
thanks blogg for letting me figure out what my problem is.
i need a cigarett.

I