So i go back to the doctor in a week for my pap. i also need to mention that the pelvic pressure i felt when everything was happening, started about a month before that. not a lot, but like for a minute every once in a while. i even looked it up on line under pelvic pain... nothing about being pregnant. so i looked it up again. and low and behold it's all about pregnancy. also tailbone pain in added in with that too, and it started like 3 days before. So many signs added up that why did i notice. but, watching the show i didn't know i was pregnant. lots of women went through what i did, ended up being pregnant and didn't know it, they all ended up having a baby, but they didn't know... it just made me feel better knowing i am not stupid and at least i know the symptoms now, and i am aware as all women should if even if you are not in the putting pregnancy in your world at the moment.. just know it! know what to look for, because it can happen even if you are on the pill, tubes tied. amazing how when something wants to come into the world it just does....
I am also going to need to discuss my behaviors since then, more like my mood swings. it's like one comment sets me off, and i freak out. I don't want to, and after i let it out, i just cry because i know it didn't mean anything, i wasn't really pissed off, just frustrated. Also, i go from abeing happy, to sad, to angry, to blah, in a matter of a wink of the eye. So i have been doing all this looking up symptoms, and did you know that post traumatic stress is a possibility. since what happened was traumatic, followed by depression. The ativan the dr. gave me helps, i have been taking it everyday, once i know i won't be driving, which is usually after dinner, it definately helps! But, something has to give... i can't go on like this...I know it takes time and patience to deal with this, but i am tired of feeling like my head is going to explode. Along with my headaches, my bp going back up, my stomach problems, the constant anxiety which turns into either a anger flare or a sob fest...I guess was not prepared for this type of loss. I could deal with everything else that has happened to me, i am strong i move on.. But, this girls..... maybe i have been pushing too much aside in my life and moving along too soon! It's like my mind and body have slowed down and it's making me deal with it on a level i have never experienced. I just have to believe everything will work out! That's all i can do. So i have alot to discuss with my dr. maybe I will look into finding a group or going to a therapist, again. I think that it's more than this loss, i think it's all of my losses, pain, and stress thoughout my life just bursted it's bubble. I know i;ll be fine..I have to be, i need to. Not just for myself, but for tony.. He';s been so good to me, being there, being the brunt of my madness, the should i lean to.
I just really need to be stronger. I need to do this! I need to show tony that i cannot be broken... I have stood so long.. Now it just feels like i want to fall. But, no i will not. We have to be strong as a team, a couple, for the sake of our future. Because we are going to have an awesome one, with or with out babies. Definately more pomeranians!! okay enough of this! i made really good spaghetti and meatballs today. i can focus on my cooking, it relaxes me and makes me feel important. until i get our of this forsaken place, which will happen! i must march on... I will not do harm unto other under this house... which i want to sometimes. I will place my anger towards something positive... It's times like these i wish i had a piano. it used to save me from my mother. I guess it wasnt saving me, but i felt safe, invincible. In a world i knew wouldn't tear me down... And what the hell did i do in a previous life that i need to constantly keep myself afloat from such tragedy, grief, and disappointment. Maybe because i don't see it like that until someone mentions it. It's just my life day by day. I mean so many people go through sooo much more that i do. And they can make it! i have the strength, power, and love!!! And anyone who reads this... if any of this makes sense, well i'm glad because i sure as hell don't feel like i am. and im too tired to read it back. maybe tomorrow. maybe never.... is it bad luck to always read what you wrote.. should you wait a while. or if you don't will it change... whatever... i'm rambling because im tired. Its also a full moon tonite! i should get out the chalk.. if you put it on warts it goes away. if you tie a ribbon in your hair and draw a picture ofwhat you desire and then put it over the body part it corresponds to it will come true. of course the color has to match the type of desire. my grama used to tell me that. we would do it when i was little. funny how little things make you want to go back.,just be little for a moment and revel in it! i think i have some yellow ribbon...mmmmmmm.. well good nite!
1 comment:
You definitely make sense Erin, and I think you are probably onto something. You are an amazing person and have gone through so much painful crap in your life and have always come out okay, almost too okay. I hate to think of you going through so much sadness and disappointment, but I am glad to hear that you really want to focus on it and deal with it and work through it, and come out a stronger person, which i know you will. Its so much easier to just move on and push things aside sometimes, but it only causes things to build, and its all still there when the dust shakes off. I love you and I am there for you whenever you need me. It sounds like you are on the right track though, like you are looking in the right direction to get through all of this. Also I wish i had the money to mail you my keyboard I failed at learning to play it and always forget i have it!
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