Monday, May 24, 2010
Buttons for you and buttons for me...
I decided that i should organize my sweaters in my closet... then i kept finding things, that i should get rid of. then i found a bag of really cool skirts and wraps, they don't really fit me anymore, but not getting rid of them just yet. then i found my old sewing bag.. i used to keep all of my buttons in this bag with my little sewing kit. so in it was some crafting rafia, a whole bunch of old crown royal bags, ( anybody need some, i have like ten). And this little black box that used to hold my buttons from back in high school. So i opened it, thinking yea cool more buttons( i love buttons by the way) and it wasn't buttons. It was a cross that belonged to Mike that his mom gave me, and a baggie with a lock of his hair....nope wasn't expecting that... nope didn't want to see that... nope i can't believe i had that with me in this room... nope i am not looking at it, nope i'm not smelling it either... yep i just did... yep. why. i can't do this... thinking about it... too much. and as the saying goes, some people come into yer life for a while and leave their footprints on your heart. and that's ok too. that needs to go to the mike box.. which my dad keeps for me, it shouldnt' be here. i cannot live in the same house with his hair in here. it brings back too many memories i just want to keep under the surface still. it may sound lame and stupid but it's too much. fuck i hate cleaning out my shit i always find something of him, a couple months ago it was a picture, or a drawing or something that reminds me of him. There is even a smell sometimes, don't know what it smells like, but when i smell it i just cry. now i just needed to say this, i have released my energies of him, i just have moments when i see his stuff... and then i am fine, but i don't really talk about this to people, especially tony, he doesn't get it and nor should he. so for now, i will just put it here. in cyber memory space. so cyber memory take away my words and may i never find you again.
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3 comments:
i didnt know that you were keeping all of his stuff still...i can see how it would be difficult to see this and be around it. I'm wondering why you are keeping it though?
it's just a few things. well, that's an excuse. i haven't forgiven him.
Actually, what it is. I was convinced at one time that this was the man i should be with for the rest of my life. I lost him to his own selfishness and pain.. His family, well i am no close to. Our friends then, no longer i know. So the box is mine. I do not have a gravesite to visit, i cannot speak of this with tony. I go to my dad's once a year, open the box with my sister and talk about the good time we both had with him. I cannot do this without her, it's too hard. She was really close to him and loved him very much. So for me to find these things without her there, brings feeling i didn't know were there. I put them away, because for 2 months straight after he passed i slept in the light with very little sleep. Wondering if the days i had would last. i put it aside and now i can deal. But, to bring it back by myself. It takes me to a time and place i cannot go by myself. It may sound weird and stupid, but until i am ready, this is what i do.
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