Too little too late.. i beg your pardon, you are in my way.

I was cleaning my room today, i got a new shelf for all of tony's video games and such. so i fianlly got behind my door to what i thought was just a box of books. no, it was a whole bunch of stuff i collected way back from school and all of your girls high school photos, piano recital recordings and such. then i found this journal, i kept it when i wrote to mike after he died. wtf, wow. it's really strange to read the stuff i wrote myself the feelings i felt, and what led up to where i am not and all the inbetween crap i did. so i am going to share some poems that i conjured up.

nov. 30, 2002
Seasons change
And so do we
Along we are
In a world of everything
The flowers peak
The roses blink
So what do i do
Wish not to think

dec. 15, 2002
Screaming thorns
Blackened rugs
Make me bleed
I dream of nothing
Talk to rocks
Kick the block
Scream at me
I scream at you

The rain that touches my lips is a kiss form you in heaven. The dew that covers the ground is a blanket you give to protect me. And when the wind blows through my hair i know you are lifting me along . Along an unknowing path. The footprints that i leave in the sand, will never be accompanied by you. But i know when the clouds form, your strolling along and thinking of me.

Now i tell my self how pathetically grief stricken i was at this time, to know that six years ago, i didn't think i wanted to ever go on with my life without him. Little did i know, that he was right, i will find my love, not with him, but with someone who really loves me, i will find it he said. it's funny how life changes and how things end up. i am grateful for his life i got to share but not for the pain he caused me, i am no longer mad at him. I feel sorry for his family, which i am not a part of, i was a just a passerby who latched on too long. Good riddence.

so i would like to say good riddence but as i was trying to read what the last thing i wrote was, it fell out of the pages, a picture of him, i can't look at it, i am afraid to, i don't think i have been this afraid to look at him, in years, will it change and show him scary or will it be okay, i don't know what i am talking about, why am i doing this to myself, jsut look at the fucking picture it's okay, it's just a fucking picture, so why can't i do it. because whatever i am silly, i will look at the picture when i am ready to, i still have fear, feelings and unanswered questions, that i will have to wait years for. until i go home, will be my answer. so it's okay to still be scared of someone you used to love. fucken stupid asshole, if he was here i would kick his ass, well if his ghose appears i will kick it's ass too, there i looked at it, it makes me sick,. i will never understand it, nor shall you. okay i am over it, r.i.p.