blue jays once again, ruined it all...

I knew from above that i would be, a person of light and dark, from the breathe of might. No one can take me away from that. okay so i thought i had a poem going for me but the blue jays are squaking outside my window. they taunt me you see. is it wrong to hate the blue jay? Tony thinks that it is my spirit guide. but, why? mmmm?

May your wings be spread, with the gusts of light, that descend upon you from heaven above.
May you fly so free, from the gust of winds, that keep you grounded in pain.
May you smile so brightly, from the kiss of life, that spins in your soul.
May you tread ever so lightly, upon the ground you walk, from this is where I come to you.

week 3 of june 2008

so it's a new week, i plan on going to the college tomorrow to get signed up for school. hoping that i can get a pell grant, depending on my marital status, it might affect it, so pray for me to get one! also i have tomorrow off from work, which i desperately needed for some reason. besides, the school thing, i just need time to myself. sarah's last day was today, and we still don't have anyone new to help me. so maybe i need this time to reflect how i handle stress and the duties, i need to perform well. i pray for this week to be effortlessly wonderful! also, the rents are out of town for a while and that's nice too. like tony and i have our own place and we just get to be, i love it like this! soon, we will get to have it like this all the time! SOON! well, i am also looking forward to this weekend, i think we might go to the drive-in, i hope i get to see get smart, it looks like it will be really funny! last weekend i saw sex in the city, agiain! my friend, sabrina, hadn't seen it yet, so obliged, and went! i love the series and the movie and carrie is my favorite, so if you haven't gone, you should, because it is friggen awesome! well, i am just blabbing, to blab. tomorrow will be productive and worthwhile! thank you!

new haircute!!!

So i am finally putting up pictures of my new haircut. i am totally loving now that the girl from my work fixed it. it has lots of layers in the back and the side, i don't know if you can tell too much. but all i have to do is blowdry it and a little straigtening in the morning and i am good to go. it's nice having a haircut that doesn't take so long to prepare. it is a little short for me. but i love it, i have a little style to it and it's great! oh and this is the silly picture of me and tony it 's great that i can still be in love with this man after 4 years. he knows me more that i know myself sometimes, and for him to be around and be as silly as in the beginging. well, i love it!

educate yourself!

I just got done watching and incredible movie. Charlie wilson's war. if you haven't seen it yet, well you should. so many things are happening to us now, because of these situations. did you know that because we skipped out so soon from afghanastan in the early eighties, did not help them rebuild and support them after we gave so much, that is the reason why they hate us so much over there. i mean, they think we are satan. we gave them weapons and trained them, so they could fight the soviets. then as soon as we acoomplished it, that was it. that their were men in congress who didn't give a fuck about fixing schools, and housing for these people. it amazes me that we haven't been fucking bombed by everyone. that is why we are where we are in the war with the middle east. i can't believe that just some help and support after all that money and pushing to get that accomplished and we backed out. we ended up with 9/11 people we love and know going to war, and we wonder why? well, that's why because of politics, because we as a nation are not informed. well, maybe we all shouldn't be. i am done with that, i need to make a difference somewhere, i need to know more. i need to know that i can count on my government to stand up for me and my needs. and it doesn't matter what party you go for or how much the candidates say pretty things anymore. it comes down to this. who do you think is going to make the difference, push us to the limits as people with information, to help our situations. it's just not a few, it's all of us, we need to be educations on international affairs. what can we do for our country?

if only the leaves fluttered ever so lightly, would i hear your voice?

so sometimes i may not be what you want me to be. sometimes i am what you always wanted. sometimes i am everything that you want to be. and sometimes i am never going to be quite like you. but, right now , i am me ever loving, ever changing, and ever questioning. my right as a person, friend, lover, and everything before and after. i am curious as to why you are the way you are, curious as to why i am this way to you and everyone else. what does it mean to me? well, what does it mean to you?

life is like a box of chocolates....

so once again i have had the ever popular, back that goes out while making your bed. with a dose of let's crawl on the floor to the b.r. and to the computer to get the phone only to realize it was in the bedroom all along. whf.i am doing better now, i can stand up straight, which this time, my back problem is different, i couldn't straighten my back and when i did it looked like i was dragging my leg side, like my stupid hips were out of place again, which last time was a main cause of my back problems. so now i reviewing my health insurance in the midst of changing over to hmo, can't decide what to do, mainly because i have no idea what they are talking about, so my friend sabrina who is the h.r. person for shell refinery, is going to help me this weekend, they sent all the info on cd's so that will be helpful. then next week i can get into a pcp see about and mri and figure out wtf is up with my back and have a diagnosis so i can continue with a treatment plan, hopefully just chiropractic care and not steroid injections, or surgery, or anything remotedly scary. so with 2 days off from work, with pto, i slept organized part of my life, and continuing on with a plan., now on to the next plan of schooling, is nursing goign to be appropriate with my back problems, or the hell with it contiue my plan and just see how it goes, i like the later. so that's my week. i work tomorrow and not again until monday. wtf, my life is like a box of chocolates, i fucking have to eat every piece, make my self sick, throw up and wonder why i ate them all, because it happens everytime. funny eh?

fun times, fun times!

so i am up late, i don't have to work in the morning, not until monday morning. i found the link for the secret thing, that is pretty interesting. i needed help on finding it, thanks kelly. so i have a pretty busy weekend coming up. i am going to my first pilates class with my friend lizzy tomorrow. i haven't hung out with her much because she has been doing her internship in seattle for an architecture business, so we are doing healthy gym things while she is working more at macy's . i go to the same gym as her, sarah, and sabrina. it's fun having new friends, sometimes. get new views on life and such things, and relearn what it's like to have a friendship with people in your own state. no offense to my awesome girlfriends, but i have been needing new good, honest and positive people who i can actually visit with. so after i do my new pilates class, i am letting in a maintence guy to sabrin's house, so he can paint something, while she is at work. while i am waiting i am getting thai food from sarah's other work, i love it their, i had spicy basil chicken last time and cocunut sticky rice for desert. delicious! then i am goign to rent p.s. i love you and watch that tomorrow nite! then on saturday i am going to get jean so we can shop for jerei's graduation gift. then we are going out for dinner probably. then on sunday i am going to get her again then we are driving down to seattle for jerei's graduation. it will be so exciting, i am going to take lost of picture even though he will be like no stop whatever, i don't care, stop taking my picture, you crazy lady, that i have known forever, but forget to talk to. he is silly and i am so glad we have gotten back to talking again, we have been kepping up on talking at least once a week. and it is like you said, kellly. even if you have lost contact for a while, we just pick up like we left off and it was only yesterday. it's so awesome and special. so my weekend is pretty busy and even though i complain that i am busy and don't have time just to be. well, i take that back, because i was home all day today, expect for going out to get my weekly latte and to the store, i had nothing to do today, but watch t.v. and now that i think about it, i could have done a million things. but really it is nice just to have nothing to do, or at least pretend, as i did on this really rainy day in washington. so for some reason i am type happy today and can't manage a phone conversation, sorry kelly i am totally discombobulated sometimes! i just need to breathe and focus on the better and be grateful, that i have people who want to be my friend. i just need to put in the effort just as much back. oh and the reason for this other new and long blog, i actually sewed up my pants today. all by my self, it was frustrating and took me forever to thread my needle, i did it and i did it well. i was damn proud of myself. i think my sister will be too, she won't have to sew my crap up any more. so yea, i accomplished another thing that i was saying i can't to, because i am easily frustrated, and i don't have patience. it's funny when you just do it because well, you have to. it just keeps getting easier and easier. soon all of my confidence levels will be up and i will accomplish everything i set out to do!i am really thirsty now. i need some water! i need to drink more i have only had like 2 today. well, another habit i need to set. it only takes 21 consecutive days, to set a habit. i read it at my gym. so that's a fun fact for the people out thier who seem to not get all their goals accomplished on time. so i should get water and go to bed, because i am sure tony will wake me up at 5 to fix something like lunch or breakfast, just to be a butt and these long blogs will stop. i mean it's not so bad i just feel like typing instead of talking. ... m&m's have a new ice cream treat and it looks like a giant m&m, i want to try it! good nite all!!!

entrapment? free at last? content? what should i chooose?

as i am sitting here in my computer room, knowing that i need to put up a new post, because my situation from last week is definately over. i am pondering on exactly what has gottem me this far and what i have accomplished and the things that i really don't care to share with others that have gotten me this far. especially finding out about secret,com( the idea is kind of cool). so here i am wondering what interesting insights or ideas have have conjured up this week. well, i have been busy with work, daily life, i have been not sleeping well and napping a lot during the day, man 4 in the morning comes really fast. and sometimes my days at work, are really long.
really what i want to talk about isn't what i am doing this week or anything in particular. just about life, and how it moves and doesn't and what i really need to do, to move along and become a part of my community and a life force for my family. yea things are how they are and the past is the past, but right now i am just me. with tony at his parents house living harmonily. as much as it can be, getting ready to sign up for school, haning out with new people. getting my self go to the gym. just staying busy and loving it, it makes me feel gracious and accepted and knowing that i don't need constant approval to know that i am a good person, a great friend, and a loving girlfriend, an awesome sister and a blessed daughter, and a forgving one at that, and and happy granddaughter. i am all these things, becuase all of those people are a important part of my life. yes people come and go in this life, well because they do, maybe less at sometimes and more at others. maybe i have lost trust with others or we just don't have time and that's ok, because it happens for a reason. i remember someone telling me that it's cute that i think we should still all be really close friends. well, it did hurt, but i realized, i do live in my past, because i haven't really made a present for myself. well, in the past months of working again, and making really friends that are positive, happy and willing to partake in activaities that benefit ourselves, i have realized that i do have a great present and i am pursuing for a great future. i will get there and it is going to be awesome. no doubt there will be hard times, but i know that whatever i do i will have lived out a great life, so when my times comes i am ready and because i don't have a choice. i may not be completely prepared, legalities and such. but, that's life and i love it. i would like to change certain aspects of my life, and sometimes my past, but i know it would definately change now, and i just accpet and never regret my past, because it has gotten me to where i am today. but a question i have to ask is just because i do have a past with certain peopel to i need to always have them in my life? their are lots of peeps out there that i don't always have completely contatct with, but with the help of myspace, well, we all know how that is. but i sometimes find that the people you keep in your life they are there for a reason, to grow and ponder with, i love that. to meet every couple of years, ponder our accomplishments and have laughs at the past, isn't that what family is for. well, maybe not everyone feels that way. i don't know, but i just hope that i am not keeping friends just because it's an obligation and i hope it's not the other way around. i want real viable people in my life. to count on and be a part of eath other's lives for as long as possible. doesn't it matter that we only talk once in a while, that maybe we are closer to others' and not so much with everyone, i don't know. i just love that all of my friend past, present and future will all hold a diffent value to me. also that my love for tony is growing everyday. we have our downs, i have a mean streak that i am definately working on, tony likes to provoke my anger, but recently we have calmed that down, with our sex life calmed down with that, which i just realized and that's a little weird. but we need to find a balance and get out fo the clouds. so my goal of going to school is goin to move us forward and into our own place, and ever going goal that i need to pursue along with my divorce behind me! it will happen and i can honestly say that i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but maybe i am kind of like samantha in the movie sex and the city, i have to constantly put that behind me. i love all people, but i need tony in my life, he completes me life no one else has, but sometimes my desires have a tendency to run out of control. that's why we stay home and don't drink out because i like to play a little too much. i guess it's good that a certian someone doesn't live here anymore, because that was going to far too. okay enuff of this talk. but i just want all of you girls to know that i love you for who you are and will be and always, and i hope you can do the same for me!