HAPPY 53RD BIRTHDAY MOM!!! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!!

Once the realisation is accepted that even between the closet human beings infinite distances cotinue to exist, a wonderful living side -by-side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the whole against a wide sky. ( Rainer Maria Rilke)

Wednesday's gloomy...And yet the rain has stopped.

"I don't meddle with what my friend believe or reject, any more than I ask whether they are rich or poor; I love them."

This is an interesting quote by James Russell Lowell. Maybe I need to think of this more often, when conversing with my friends. Is what we believe and reject together, what brings us closer. Is it our responsibility as friends to show why their beliefs or rejections, may not be the best.  Do friends just go along loving them as their own, regardless of what they say or do. Of course, that is what friends are for. As we do for family. Do we put more pressure on our friends to be or think a certain way. If so, do our friendships suffer?

Conflicting as it may this quote seems to better justify.
" Our chief  want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. this is the service of a friend." by Emerson.
That seems for fitting for the friend who wants their friends to be the best of what they are. To progressively move ahead in life. To show them their view, on what they see. This is very profitable. It allows you to understand another view of how you are living. This to me is something i cherish with my friends. Getting a different view on complicated matters, helps in the process. That is what brings me closer. Being able to guide someone through life. It's like we should be called guides..

"Give me one friend, just one who meets
The needs of all my varying moods;
Be we in noisy city street,
or in dear Nature's solitudes.

One who can share my grief or mirth,
And know my days to praise or curse;
And rate me just for what I'm worth,
 And find me still, Oh, not so worse!

Give me one friend, for peace or war,
And I shall hold myself well, blest,
And richly compensated for,
The cussedness of all the rest. "
                Esther M. Clark

Buttons for you and buttons for me...

I decided that i should organize my sweaters in my closet... then i kept finding things, that i should get rid of. then i found a bag of really cool skirts and wraps, they don't really fit me anymore, but not getting rid of them just yet. then i found my old sewing bag.. i used to keep all of my buttons in this bag with my little sewing kit. so in it was some crafting rafia, a whole bunch of old crown royal bags, ( anybody need some, i have like ten). And this little black box that used to hold my buttons from back in high school. So i opened it, thinking yea cool more buttons( i love buttons by the way) and it wasn't buttons. It was a cross that belonged to Mike that his mom gave me, and a baggie with a lock of his hair....nope wasn't expecting that... nope didn't want to see that... nope i can't believe i had that with me in this room... nope i am not looking at it, nope i'm not smelling it either... yep i just did... yep. why. i can't do this... thinking about it... too much. and as the saying goes, some people come into yer life for a while and leave their footprints on your heart. and that's ok too. that needs to go to the mike box.. which my dad keeps for me, it shouldnt' be here. i cannot live in the same house with his hair in here. it brings back too many memories i just want to keep under the surface still. it may sound lame and stupid but it's too much. fuck i hate cleaning out my shit i always find something of him, a couple months ago it was a picture, or a drawing or something that reminds me of him. There is even a smell sometimes, don't know what it smells like, but when i smell it i just cry. now i just needed to say this, i have released my energies of him, i just have moments when i see his stuff... and then i am fine, but i don't really talk about this to people, especially tony, he doesn't get it and nor should he. so for now, i will just put it here.  in cyber memory space. so cyber memory take away my words and may i never find you again.

Grown from a seed.

Sometimes i think alot about what i want in my future the things that i will need and so on... well, today it isn't any different, but i realized that even though my life isn't what people think it should be. i love it. i love my family and friends, even when they are being untrue to themselves. i just really love that my sheets are crisp and smell good. that when i go to a movie or a play with my tony, during the loves scences he still holds my hands and tries to feel me up... ( giggle, giggle) That my two baby boys ( bruce and teddy) love me so and we can provide them with an awesome life, ( they were both rescued from abusive situations) That even though a lot of the people I love are so far away, I love them and their lives and what they have done for themselves. With all of this, it pushes me to be better in the choices I make my appointments, pay my bills ( preferably on time) and just get done what needs to be done. These inspirations are my life... And event  the simplist thing as growing plants from seeds to have them in the ground, hoping for a crop. And yet mother nature takes over and sends me a mole ( gggggrrrrr.) I absolutely full heartedly love it! yea sure I need to exercise more, eat healthier, be more positive, and look how others would feel( i have been doing more of that and my relationships with certain family folk, have been better. I went and got a pedicure with sharron, we had fun girl times, I realized i need to involve myself with her more, to make home life better, and it would make me a better person) So i am just gonna say, that sometimes, I don't always say the right thing, or know what to do. I may sometimes slip and slip on others expectations, and have a tendency to be a little harsh...but, that's me. i love me, all the times, regardless of my weird once in a while moments, and i love my peeps. So here is to the future, home, family, life I will have that is just a step up from what I have now, except I may own more things, and get to go to more places, but if it just stayed like this, i'd be happy too!

From me to you.

To whom
I have
mislead
deceived
broken
along the way.
I only hope for
forgiveness, that
I may receive.
For I am
merely human.
Unperfected
in nature.
Longing for
peace
love
tranquility
in all who
breathe.
And a
hand to
hold, along
the way.

i love texas!

so south east texas is well, not as happening as i thought. but, i love it! especially houston! i have made some amazing friends who i now call my little family in houston, even some puppy dogs. so i have a different vision of the south. i really like it! even tho, they call me a yankee, i can deal. it's pretty rought around port arthur, so the museum is something i would have to do with more than myself. it's like a warzone there. i would never go there alone. the crime and violence is just to much. especially be a white blonde girl.. not a good idea. but, it's just different here, slow and everyone is incredibly friendly, small talk all the time, definately not like washington. houston is a fabulous place, i spend a lot of time in the heights shopping and my friends live in the montrose area, which is the gay community of houston. it's awesome, cool funky shops and really good places to eat! so it's been a really good vacation by far. nothing too touristy, save that for next time. just good times with really good friends. i have learned a lot about myself. just taking pieces out and realizing that i am awesome and i have so much to offer, for just being me. it was a much needed time away from home to reflect. reflecting is good. so for find info on janis joplin other than the museum, is well not as good. i hear that beaumont is pretty cool, haven't gone yet tho. and gator country is down the road, that is not something i desire to do alone. going along a swamp looking at alligators, they will eat me. now if only i could find some vampires... just kidding! i will be home on saturday. waiting patiently until i can come back and see my beanie and sweets. i also get to meet up with my uncle today, it's been 18 years, interesting it will be, but awesome. it's my dad's brother between him and tim. he lives in houston and has a plumbing business. i just hope i can get up and see his wife and their dogs!!! i love it my peoples have dogs... awesome!!!

i am so over it, bitch!

i am so over being just this. i am so over stupidity. i am so over pictures of me, that make me realize that i look stupid and fat. i am so over saying that knowing i need to be healthier and not doing anything about it. i am so over people telling me, then do something about it, then smuggly give a giggle. i am so over  no owning a really cool handbag, know i have to wait until i have the money, i hate that. today, right now. things are stupid, i ate to much ham i want a cigarette, even though i have smoked already. i am not particularly shity about anything or just shity. i am just over life. i need this moment to get over this. i am pouring out my negativity from my head onto this page. so fuck off. i am so over it.  oh you know what else i am over, when you try to shift 1 to get an ! and you can't do it so all you get is 1. bullshit, fucken bullshit!

Here i am on my own again...going down this lonlely road.. ( wait did i just quote an 80's hair band) i am officially in line for a drink tonite.

Well, it's been a week and half with no job. i questioned my decision this morning. i could have stayed on-call, applied for the part-time job in hr. or i could have gotten a many part-time jobs within macy's. but, i would have lost all of my health insurance and the extra push to get me into school. I have been kind of anxious about the school thing. that's good. i almost didn't go to the nursing info. class yesterday. i don't know why, maybe because i am just nervous. i did fine and got a lot of info. like how it's going to be super challenging. Taking chemistry, anatomy and physiciology, pharmacology, algebra, calculus. I figured if they offered all english, writing, psych, and lectures, i would be a honor student. but, no, we have to have friggen math, physics, i can handle, chemistry, whatever. so these will be my hardest times. i will do it thou. i probably wont' finish my r.n. for about 4-5 years, just depending on the wait list. now there is a 2 year for the r.n. and a 1 year for the lpn. so it's tough out there, and the other school i choose not to go to, have a compeptive nursing program, only the top 10% get into the nursing program once a year and at btc, the allow 20 students in 3 times a year. so we'll see, i have to get my preresequites out of the way first. it's jsut like since i dont' have a job, i have been super busy. well, today maybe not, because i am in my pj's and it's ten a.m. and i'm on the computer when i am usually at work. The unemployment process is a bitch, they had to verify my id. so i don't know when my first check will come, still waiting on my vacation check, and my severence. so i have been questioning my decision to leave macy's. but i have applied at a few jobs, so who knows what lies ahead.

the beginging of the end.

Officially on saturday feburary 27, i will have my last day at macy's as a promotional coordinator. I am sad, really sad about this. I really liked this job more than i realized. The decision to leave the company is a profound one. i found that no matter how much i will  miss everyone and want to stay, leaving is the best choice. Many consideratons were made, such as, was i willing to work under people i know are way less qualified than i to do the job. i did not want to be the employee who knew all the answers, helped the people in charge and continue to have nothing to come from it. This is not a negative selfish decision. It is positive, becasue i have put 100% into this job. i am perfect at it. It's just not what i am destined to do for the rest of my life. I have to write out my duties, broken down into daily,weekly, and monthly duties. This is for the manager in charge and the new lead taking my place( whom i have grown really close to, which makes it really hard). So far I have about 6 pages, just because i will only be given about 3 hours to update her on the computer and all the manuals( we have 4 just for the sign team). I would love to continue working for macy's if i was given the opportunity of a better position. I may go back if a position opens and it deems appropriate for my needs with school and another job, if i find one soon. I will be receiving my vacation time, a severence package, and 3 months of fully paid health insurance from the company. Their is a going away party planned, i know i will cry the whole time. it's been really hard for me. The decision to leave when you know something could be made to work out in the end. But also knowing this is what is best for all parties( tasha i am sure you know what i am talking about). I have been crying a lot, tired, just plain depressed about it. A lot of crying happens at work among my mangers and fellow employees. Nobody wants me to leave and nobody can believe that i am leaving. So I am just gong to prepare everyone for the busiest and most stressful job(besides being a manger) on the start team. Nobody really wants my job, but the girl has no choice or she would be out of a job. Man, this shit just plains sucks. The postive note, i will be going to school in the fall, starting a nursing program. Going to recertify for my cna license in april. Probably find a job working as a cna, or whatever clerical work i could find. WE will be find, I will be fine. i am amazing, courageous, powerful, and intelligent. I will make an excellent nure and will make it through school with amazing skill and determination. This is what i need to push me in the direction that i was meant to do. That's all. You can never ever make it to the top, fairly and effectively, without starting somewhere, may it be the bottom of the hill or a long tretcherous trip over a cascading mountain rage. There is always and end and a beginging. And for the first time in my life, i am leaving a job, gracefully, positively, and outstanding!!!

i have a frog in my throat, bitch. wait, let me throw it up on you.

So i have the choice to take a severence package and my vacation and leave the company of macy's. or stay, be terminated for 7 days, return as a new hire and work on call is either the processing, placing or sale dept. I no longer have my job as a lead promotional coordinator after the 6 of march. it was a very hard day today. they let me leave early with a full day's pay. i broke down in the office. i believe that everything i ahve been holding in emotionally for years came out along with 3 bottles of wine today. it was shitty. and i have to work tomorrow. so i will get more answer and have a meeting and go over my possibilities. i have a list my good friend sabrina help me make our, questions to ask. she is a human resources rep, so she is on the up and up. i will continue, with my schooling starting in the summer, and get into the radilogy program and bellingham technical college. this is my plan, i will continue. it will be okay. right now, i have to let it out, settle a bit. and prepare. it's hard, harder than i imagined. i am an emotional disaster. i have to  to get up again. my moments of self pity and despair will subside.

My own worst enemy...

So last week we were notified at work that their would be some setbacks to macy's inc. we may be loosing hours, people, who knows. especially the teams i work on. none of us no if we will have a job in a couple of weeks. it's scary and it doesn't help that this happened after tony's deal. i know i can get another job. i planned on it after kristen got here, like working at a coffee stand for an extra 20 hours a week. i only work 30 now, and i ;m off at 1 everyday, so it will be perfect for school. but i guess i am not prepared to loose my health benefits. so i need to see all of my doctors in the next couple of weeks, go to my appt for paper signing of documents, file that this week. so much stuff going on. but it's stuff that needs to be done to start this new path. i can feel it, like this gigantic wave of newness. i'm a little scared and really nervouse. but, they say when you are afraid, march on. fear is only a feeling. fear will push me through and make me stronger. i don't need to find myself, i need to share myself with others. share all of my great abilities, live life to the fullest. be everything that i am. ERIN! It will be fine and i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and being depressed about everything.

Let's knock them walls down...

With new ideas comes new paths to follow. With new paths comes new changes. New changes brings new compromises. New compromises bring new challenges.
 With so many new challenges coming my way. i don't know what it's going to mean to us.  With new paths being generated with the latest events, will this bring us closer together( which i am hoping for) or will it pull us apart as we try to make our paths relevent in this world. I would never wish in a million years for tony and i to not be together. In my head I do always have it in the back of my head, well what if. Which i am sure everybody has. i just want to prepare myself for me. But i am just wondering will the me me me which we need to go through turn into me, myself, and I? Now being along has never ever been something i have had to really deal with. LITERALLY! Sometimes I sense myself pulling away from him, because of our situation at home. I just want it to be him and I. Doing this together, but other people like to be in the middle of everything and i just do not like that. So i guess what i am saying is can we make it through the next 3 years, and move away from this. That is our goal, to have the toyota paid off, all debts paid off, credit built up, our education done and ready for a new begining. so with my legalities taken place soon, hopefully it will be finalized by this summer! We still do not plan on getting married until after school, you know seperate finances equal better opportunities for schooling. i just hate having to reinforce our goals all the time. Not always knowing what he wants in the end... it bugs me. it's like i want to write out a contract and say this is what we are going for do you agree. i guess that's what marriage is for, eh?
 Sometimes i just want to be educated, healthier, and away from here, NOW! But, then i know i would miss so much of my life, i have built! But, did i really build it or did the walls go up around me and i suddenly looked and was like, shit how do i get out of here? The answer: go to school, be your own person! This is what i am doing, I just hope i have enough power(bulldozer) to knock down the walls!

Gee wilikers, martha, it's gonna be a great year!

So it is a new year.. i have set my goals... and low and behold i have managed to follow through with them.. as of wednesday of this week, i will be sitting down and finally getting some much needed papers signed and filed. soon i will be free... then i can get into fall quarter with being miss erin cadden, again. probably not spring due to the time it takes to file. then i will be able to grants and stuff and not just loans for my new journey of going to school. yes folks, erin is going to be going to massage school. i am finally doing it after what 11 years. it will be amazing just 2 years and i can have my license, work at an office, going to people's homes, be my own boss. With the flexible hours of going to school at nite and my job at macy's only be 6 hours  a day, i can do it! 
 Also, if you haven't heard about mine and tony's situation, well he is going monday to sign up for school to be a x-ray technician/ultrasound tech. which is really amazing to me. because he will be out of the field he was in and doing something worthwhile, that will support us in the rest of our journey. so we are doing this together, moving forward with new adventures and putting all that bad negative shit behind. no worries, we can make our payments for our cars with my pay and tony will get full unemployment and he will also be getting health insurance through them. it's all falling into place. for some reason i feel ok, relaxed not anxious anymore. knowing that we are following our paths. our own fate is in our hands and we as a couple are finally being the drivers in our lives, not the passengers. just so excited for all of this! yea for 2010 and being CENTERED!

a new and better week...

I have to be at work at 8:45 tonite and work until 4:15.. don't know how i will manage. it seems forever and then i have to go back to work tomorrow at 3 until 7 and then wednesday at 6:30 in the morning... I really dislike inventory and it's hours! but, i will manage. But i did have a great day on saturday with jerei and jean. the bodies exhibit was pretty interesting, not as big as it was a couple of years ago.. good educational fun. then we went to a english pub and jean and i had black and tans, can you believe a old german lady never having this.. silly lady. So i am just getting back into the groove of things, it was hard to adjust back to reality.  i jsut want to travel and visit people forever.. screw this working shit.. Or at least have a better paying job, with better time off. Someday, i will have my own business, and then well maybe. But, in a couple of months i will have kristen to torment and groove around with, so that will be so fun! I have an idea of what to do to fill up the time. Really want to go to forks, but it's an eight hours drive and we would have to be gone for like 2 days just to get it in, because i don't know who well i would do driving at nite all the way around the olympics and over the sounds. just haven't done it but, it could be an adventure. well see. hope more people can come and visit soon! i am also enjoy my new wii resort, my favorite, is basketball, table tennis, and cycling, it really makes you work out, next purchase will have to be the wii fit plus! so off to work soon, blah blah blah don't want to. and it got up to 60 today, cloudy and windy, so it will be warm at work. then with everyone there all the bright lights, ick.

2010

so it's a new year...2010.. a new decade... time to center myself.. set my goals... and fullfill them... with utmost importance! to be myself, accept myself bring out the best in myself..

Quotes of inspiraton in a moment of exhilerating chaos.

"Our problem is that we make the mistake of comparing ourselves with other people. You are not inferior or superior to any human being.. You do not determine your success by comparing yourself to others, rather you determine your success by comparing your accomplishments to your capapbilities. Your are 'number one' when you do the bet you can with what you have." Zig Siglar

This is what i need to remember when i am stressing our at work. Being told what to do and how to do it when i know what to do. I am succesful in my current situation. i do not need to feel under anyone when i am critisized. I am not my job, but i do my job well. I am myself, erin. I am brilliant at my job, i work hard to help others. Just because someone else is a brown noser and i feel like i work hard and then get more lift, i carry on and do my job over the top, perfection at it's best. I am powerful and delightful.

" There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of imporving, and that's your own self."( Aldous Huxley)

This is so true and needs to be lived every day to the fullest.

just to say...

i am posting, because it has been awhile, what a lame excuse! i should be in bed, have to be at work in like 8 hours! only 2 more days to go. i have lots to update on! Haven't really spoken to a lot of your girls, lately, except for kelly and her awesomness! the trip to cali, my sickness of cali, missing tasha:( my birthday, work, tony leaving for fire training in 2 weeks, i will be utterly alone for  like 5 days. i will continue soon! elaborate! love you all!

trip to cali!

it is official. we bought our tickets for cali. going to cali. going to cali! we are leaving on monday the 5th, going to knotts berry farms in the evening with tony's sister shannon. then tony's birthday is tuesday the 6th, so we will probably do something cool. we are going to disneyland sometime that week. not sure when. also we need to go to the tar pits, some cool eateries, going to san diego to see my cousin kris and her baby keezy. some time i hope to see miss tasha, i guess i am pretty far from you, so i don't know how that will work, maybe that weekend, we don't leave until  the morning of the 11th, then we are seeing the seahawks play in seattle when we get baclk. i am so excited. we are finally going to see where tony grew up, together. he went on a trip back to iowa for mine, so it's my turn. 3 more weeks!. don't know if i will have a job, because of the no unpaid vacation, but hello no answer and it's been 3 weeks. i don't fucking care, communist bastards that they are!

monday monday monday

today is beatiful. the chill in the air this morning. getting up when i should. being to work early. having my coffee. only having to work until ten. sending off packages. cooking a new dish. taking a ten minute nap. having more coffee. coffee being free today. petting my dogs. loving that my tony sends me the longest text ever. all the test says is i love you. he said he loved me 20 times. remembering that i need to control my moodiness. i set a goal yesterday. i only freaked out once. having a good outfit day. not obsessing over my negatives. feeling the fan blow on my body. watching the leaves fall off trees. today is monday. today is a good day.