Little Miss me.

Hello 2013

Well it's now what 6 days into the new year and i am officially 21 weeks pregnant. I am half way to give birth to a beautiful little girl. It's so weird to say that. Only because I know sound like a cheesy mom who reads quotes to satisfy her need to make the world beautiful. Ok i am because my hormones are like insanely crazy,

So I have this life changing experience that until 2 years ago, I did not really want or fathom it could happen to me.  I totally knew I was pregnant, but was like no really all the times I though I was, now... Yes now apparently, so I officially took my first pee test on the day after my birthday. Which lead to the no, Erin that isn't right, says Tony,
So the next morning, like the earlier I will ever mention getting up for, there it was positive as could be.

Now I have could document everything that has happened so far, but I would be typing forever. So I will just say that I made it through 3 weeks of tremedous nausea, vomiting, and heartburn. Thenn it was over, thank god for that.

Now here I am in a new year with an even bigger belly. Seriously I am huge. Carrying a little girl. Which scares that crap out of me. But I keep telling myself that my relationship with my mother is going to be nothing like my new relationship. And I am totally questioning if she will love me as much as I will love her,all of these weird emotional things running crazy through my head. It is almost as I was put her on earth just for her. All of the craziness I have been through and endured. It means nothing when I think of her. Weird huh. I finally felt the sensation of a body inside of me like the arms and legs moving around and the vibration of whatever dancce sequence she decides to do ( because she is always moving) .

She is just like a miracle, weird cheesy, I know, but whatever, I love it. I am just glad she is healthy, because my health has been questionable. I am now on insuling at night to control my fasting blood sugars, which aren't too bad. My blood pressure keeps getting higher, which I maintain with medicine, but the dr's keep increasing it, So hopefully I can maitain for the next 20 weeks, so I do not go into early labor. My kidneys are not in the best shape, they are leaking protein due to the weakness from the stones I have had, so I wil start seeing a specialist, so I do not end up on dialysis.

So much to go through for a little tiny banana. But totally worth it.

here it is,,,

I am now in my new job. I love it again! It feels so amazing to be needed, loved, missed. who would have thought. Everyone raved how much i am needed there, someone who knows how it all works. But, the best part. I am happy putting in 10 hours a day, getting paid shit, working 7 plus days in a row, worrying about my job all the time. bitching about my job. The stress. Oh stress, deadlines, goals, multi-tasking. How i missed theee
And all my friends, the ones I love having in my life. People i can trust, I can count on. Why did I ever leave. Well, it made me realize how much I can improve from last time, where i need to work the most. Like, not rushing as much. Allowing others to do their job, working on being a leader, which is my main goal. i am a perfectionist, so it's hard sometimes. Having people believe in me is the best too. Allowing change to happen, letting the associates have someone to count on to fix their problems.
The sad thing is that i love being away from home. Not like weepy sad, just sad that I need it. That i feel i can't be at home, because once again, it kind of sucks.
Tony not having a job, counting on me for paying for everything. Him not telling me he isn't getting check or telling me the car payments aren't paid. You know, the normal routine of my relationship. But, i am dealing, i go to work, skim my finances, more and more. And yes i have to cancel tanning. stupid as fuck. limit my american's.. stupid as fuck too. All stupid. But, i believe it has to get better, i need the hope it will. It may not, but this is where I am. Doing my thing, bettering my self, being happy at work. funny how when you are happy at home, work sucks, vice-versa. Where has my balance been. Am i underestimating my self, holding my self back. Because i feel obligated. Well, actually yes to most of it. But, there are steps, little ones. i will make it, because if this is all i am getting thrown right now. So BRING IT UNIVERSE. GIVE IT ALL. TEST ME. Ok, pushing the universe isn't going to get me anywhere, because then i will get a ball i don't want. So it's the middle of september I am where i was 2 years ago, only i make a little more, accomplish a little more, at work. That which tears you at your home base, shall motivate your home away. RIGHT. PLEASE TELL ME THATS A THING. if it's not, well i am making it a thing.

I am eating dry roasted peanuts.

Here I am. I feel like I haven't posted in years. I occassionally stop by and catch up on all the wonderful things and thoughts everyone is having. Okay, I am totally stalking all of you.
Well I feel like i should blog. Mainly because I feel lost. I have been for a while. As a matter of fact I am really not lost. It's just my excuse for my lack of motivation in my life. I have no hobbies ( and no tanning is not a hobby, though I think it's my relaxation and from not going sane from all the bleak skies and rain. Yes it effects the crap out of me. )
My inner gusto is upset. My job is not supplying me with enough satisfaction. In fact I am trying to get my old job back. I think if not, I may really consider leaving Macys'. My homestead, same as usual. Tony has a job that starts in September, supposedly. So, we are here still... I won't go on we all know I hate it, it sucks and Blah Blah Blah. i am very happy for him. I just do not trust any job he gets, they all see so fake and temporary.
   So here I am on a saturday night, with nothing to do. But, to listen to his parents catter in the front room as I hide out in my room. is this my life I really wanted. NO.  I want a job that gives me the real me, the driven, no sink all swim, perfectionst, organized and positive leader I know is in me. I want to support my self, if needed. Which I haven't been able to do since I have been with tony. Sad, really sad. I am getting down on myself, because I say I am lost but really i am comfortable. don't know where to turn. The feeling of I just want to pack and run away. But i am never going to be satisfied no matter where or who I am with unless I am satisfied with my self. So i am going back on my diet and starting to budget my money better, so i can actually save some money, and update my resume. My really good friend Sabrina will be up next week, so I can totally use her. She is a successful working woman who takes care of herself, supports herself. She's like my big sister I never had. so it will be great to have her around for a week. So here's to my determination that the company i work for values me. Yes i know it's a corporation, there is no love. i can get my old job back. If not, here's to the future and beyond...

Lets talk about sex.

It must be in the air, or maybe just my panties. Sex is definately high on my list of thoughts that happen everyday, possibly more than I have ever had. I don't know where it came from. Perhaps the fact that i am healthier, and my body is finally responding correctly. Making up for the past couple years of not really wanting any. Or that i do feel more confident in myself, so let it out.
       As we grow into ourselves, how does this effect our sex lives. Does the experience of partners, time , and or that we are willin to branch out and experiement, determine how we take this into our relationships. I think it's all of that.  Sex brings out the worst in some but mostly it brings the best to all of us.
    We have all had our fair share of experiences. Perhaps that are story worthy, or better just kept behind that door, we possibly don't want to go back to. At least not physically, but in our heads. To rather remind us of what we put out.,or should have kept in.
      Their is that tale that as a women reaches her 30's she has the best sex drive she will ever have in her life. If that is true, why does it have to go away. Because it's pretty amazing, to feel the newness, and adventurous sex kitten, that possibly we all could be.
    Believe it or not there are things out there, I haven't tried. Possibly due to my lack of confidence in how I feel about my body. Along with being in a relationship for 8 years with a man, who possibly is giving me signals, that he needs more. I have vowed to stretched beyond my comfort zone and give him what he wants. Believe it or not, it's what i needed as well, the satisfaction of pleassing someone that i hold dear to me.
   I don't know where this will lead me or us, but I plan on making it a damn good time. I mean we only live once, and i am not wasting this on nothing. And who says no to a woman witht he sex drive of an 18 year old boy. REally, Who Would.
  So here's to all the sexy woman out there, afraid to take that step. Take those clothes off, spread your legs, and be all you can be and take it all.

updatey doo. dont need a cookie.

I am beside myself right now. I have chosen to leave my job as a supervisor for the administration team to a store closer to me to be just an associate in the administration team. i know it's fo the good . we can move to bellingham an have our own place. Tony is actually excited abou this, he even admitted that he has always wanted to live in bellingham as well.the rent is pretty cheap. and it's close to the colleges,bus lines, my work, downtown. the wild buffalo- kristen you know what i mean... so much more opportunites,because i would really like to work in hr at western washington university. how cool would that be.
but, i have reservations, even though tony's mom has been giving us advice and ideas of where to move to. i just am nervous, tony still doesn't share stuff with me, like finances and such. so i feel reluctant. i also am going to have to borrow money to give some things taken care of. i really don't want to live in a place with him, without us being marred. is that weird. i guess after 8 years, i need to know we have this together,a goal, it's ours. i guess it's me trying to have control over things, i can't. you can't chane someone with a piec of paper, and i know this. i just am tired of what we aren't. not married, not living on our own.
tony's parents, said that if it's too hard to find a place for the dogs, they could stay here, and we would just get them part of the week, which means we will still have to find a place put a deposit down for them, and get them on my days off or tony's. so like 2 or 3 times a week, if that. so i don't know.
it's scares me to be without my babis, but bruce is so old and not to have his yard and go out whenever, scares me too. and it scares everyone else. i hope he makes it throuh this year. it's hard, he is my little baby dog, he goes everywhere with me., so not to have them all the time, but until tony and i can  this thing working, maybe it will be for the best. thank god tony's parents are so supportive and understanding. i really love them, good parents, not that mine weren't, just different and good. i have given in to not being so anti everything including people, so life here hasn't been so bad.
then there is tony. he only has 1 day off for every 13. so i may see him in the mornings when he gets done working the night shifts of 12 hours. and i am off, for maybe 2 hours. so like never. i miss him and our issues aren't getting solved with him being gone so much. but, it's gettng there. we will make it and i believe it. So here's to being down 4 pants sizes and 30 pounds, and being moved out by summer. we can do this and we will. i even started doing situps every nigh and other random exervises i can do in my room.

I love my Tony bologne...

I just have to say that I love my Tony. He brings me breakfast every morning from starbucks. He says it's so we can have time together since we don't see each other during the week otherwise. Sometimes I overlook how good he is to me. I know this isn't everything, but it is now. I guess even though I get out of hand with my mood swings and all the health stuff. I just think he doesn't listen or care. But, he does, he listen too much. He knows me more than I know myself. Sometimes it's good. So this will be our last weekend together, before he works his overtime for 3 months. We are having a date nite, which I cannot say when the last one was. Maybe I will get a picture of us together, in my new dress. woohoo.

eating at night.

May this week give me control to not eat at night. I eat really healthy. But, it stil has calories and carbs. So I have asking for control to not snack so much at night. I really don't feel hungry in the day, but as I found it, if my blood sugar is too low, I am a shitty moody crazy emotinal freak. So on the way to the movies last night, i ate a piece of chocolate. sugar, I was like yea i am normal, I am not an emotional freakin idiot. but, yes I have blood sugar issues, and I need to control this. So I ate subway, very healthy. During the movies, I did have popcorn and diet soda, and another piece of chocolate.
To my suprise. My fasting blood sugar was 108.
To make more sense. I am allowed 3 carb choices to a meal. and 2 for a snack. Carb choies are 1 15 grams of carb per serving, 1.5 cups of veggies, and a dairy serving. I have been following this since my appt with the diabetic education class, I took. I have had better blood sugar. Which will lead to my incision healing fast. the scab came off and i thought it was infected, but no it just oozes fat and goo. very gross.
So I am going to do this.  I will have restraint on my evening snackings!
I will do this
I will do this
I will do this.

For my friend..

I love you friend. I wish you to be happy, safe, and abundant in life. I wish I could erase your pain and sorrows, but only that is for you to do. So I am going to send you some thoughts from a book, I look to inspire me. When things are hard, or I just don't care to want to fix. It's called Medications from conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. Enjoy...

Act as if you were seperate from nothing, and no one. This will  heal your world tomorrow. Ths is the greatest secret of all time.

Most people enter relationships with an eye toward what they can get out of them, rather than what they can put into them. The purpose of relationship is to decide what part of yourself you would like to see show up. Not what part of another you can capture and hold.

Let this be your task, let this be your greatest joy. To give people back to themselves. Even in their darkest hour, especially in that hour.

If you spend your time trying to figure out what's best for you, your choices, will be cautious, your decisions will take forever, and your journey will be launched on a sea of expectations. If you are not careful, you will drown in your own expectations.

Power comes from inner strength, Inner strength does not come from raw power, in this, most of the world has it backwards.

Friend, I hope you see that within the days, it will be better, brighter, with less pain. So i give you this from Thoreau:

The language of friendship is not words, but meanings. It is an intelligence above language:)

okay.. i had more to say..

I need to know what i did in my past lives to deserve major issues with my healthy emotions and everything else in between. every year it's something dramatic. something like changing. is it my body now saying. hey erin... stop.... take care of yourself and it will all fall into place. i don't know.
But i was just thinking... I would like a peaceful year. full of love and hope. newness.

So this is the year it will happen. I guess. Enought about my issues.

Tony is working nights starting this week. He will be working 50 hours week. Then onto 60 hours. I won't see him as much for a while. But it may lead to really awesome morning sex. Then i get ready for work. Get into my car and listen to my amazing mixed tapes i found in there. Kelly i need more...or anyone tapes, please. Cd's work good too, but it was pretty cool to find it. Then down the road with my coffee. for 45 minutes to sing along to everysong. Prepare for my 9 hours and the slaves mines. aka corporate america, killing me slowly.  I will spend a lot of night alone, which last night i found out i can't sleep without somebody there. my dogs were like no, we aren't sleeping with you . you smell. or whatever poofy dogs say..lol
It's weird. i may be a little more co dependent that i thought. so this is good.

But the underlying issues is this. I brought up to tony me getting a place soon. in case he takes on any traveling positions for the summer. He totally looked at me like i was crazy. but i don't know why couldn't we move out. i think if he goes out of state to work for like 4 or 5 months i am not going to be stuck here. hello i would officially loose it. but i guess it is a disussion we can worry about when and if he does go.

the title i can't think of because i overthink what my titles are so i am not actually going to give this a title.

Hello.
I am proud of myself. I have lost 20 pounds.
 following my no sugar low fat low carb low sodium diet, did me good for a couple of weeks.
checking my blood sugar and taking all my pills i have been good.
The delima happens to be that once i started to eat a litle more, i got energy. i was basically not eating enough. so now that i am eating more, i have only lost 1 pound this week. so that means i have to step it up and really exercise my ass off. i have to loose 20 more pounds by may. that is my goal. so as long as i monitor my blood sugar, say no to what i cannot eat, i will do fine.

I have to say that my latest health problem scared the shit out of me. high cholesterol diabetes high blood pressure. doesn't that equal like basically old people death bed shit. well not me.... i have to do this. i just have to and i will. I am at my plateau so i will  step up my game and try even harder.
So fitting into a pair of jeans i bought 2 years ago, so basically like my skinny jeans, it was amazing.
the photo tony put up today didn't do justice. which is funny..
i am like. tony take a good picutre of me so i can have a new profile picture. so as i am pulling up my pants and making a funny face, he clicks.. sure erin it's good. you are so beautiful.
fucking stupid horseshit buttface.
i just say that because he never gets the picture right, like ever.
so heres to a good year a health...
i am going to be fucking fantabulous by the end of the year. everyone better hold me to it.

loves

2012

In 1 hour and 5 minutes, it will be the yer 2012.

Here are my resolutions

1. be more empathetic.
2. give more
3. remain calm and remember to always put yourself in the other persons shoes
4. be a leader
5. love myself

These  are all basics concepts and I will definately do my best to attain these goals.

Goodbye 2011

If I could think of a cool title to put here, I would. So be just be excited I wrote two sentences.

I have to say this year has been really weird. I have learned a lot about myself. Mainly I have come to understand the reason why i do things, a lot better than i used to.

First of all, I apparently have lost the ability to be as empathetic as people are acustomed to.
first on my new year's resolutions list

Ok this is my major one, since it has created issues for me at work. But apparently, according to my sister, this has been me all along, and i finally fit into my shorts and wear them too well.

funny how sister's are right and you just want to hit them in the forehard, so whatever kelly

Let's move on.

Wait
I don't want to move on, i'm done, explaining and showing and faking. I just don't fucking care sometimes. I am trying, have figured out why this has affected me so much. I just don't. I mean it's the small stuff that people just go on and on about, and im like really. ... really...

yes fucking really... apparently.

I am over the holiday season, i am over retail, i am over rude customers, and i am over especially even ruder people who work around me.

But, i have a job, a loving tony, and my baby dogs. I have a roof, obviously not starving.

So i go from there, i am basic, may not understand everyone's moments, or give a damn, but for the people who matter most, i give you my hand, i promise not to bite, and if you are really good, i might lick it.
\omg, that is so gross. i am up late, just made chex mix and need a hair cut. My funds are not as delightful as i want them to be for christams, but we manage.

tomorrow i work 4 pm until midnite, and it's my last late shift, until next year.

if anyone really reads this, just know that after i type this, i have to pee.

seeeester...

I am an emotional freak

I haven't talked to my sister and dad in like 2 weeks. No one answered the other day. so I freaked. Of course i was visited by aunt flo, soooo. But anyways i imagined that they were all dead and i was alone. and all i could do was shake and sit there. So she finally called me last nite. Thank god. I told her about this and she said she did that last time she hadn't called or heard from me in a couple of weeks, thinking tony killed me and my dogs ate me. Thank god I have something in common with my sister. The fact that we imagine the worst and freak out. It means she loves me. I forget she is my best friend. I forget that my favorite feeling in the world is laying in my bed with her, under the covers and watching old cartoon movies, just like when we were little. or at least when she was. It was an emotional bond when we went to lion king. be cause it was her favorite movie when she was little. we sang along and totally cried.
I have a sister who is one too. that makes me happy.

RIP

October 30 2012:
It has been 9 years since mike has passed. This day brings more memories, than his birthday. I think i felt more emotional about it on the way to work yesterday. i mean everything happens for a reason, and his place in my life now, well it's just not it. It's more like, I feel I let someone down, him. shit it still fucks with my head and I miss him. It was such a nieve part of my life. maybe that's what it was for. any ways, it's been 9 years... and the shit i have done since then... we all make our choices and i cannot hold on to guilt for a man who took his life so selfishly. I will just remember that good times and how funny he was and just leave it at that. Maybe he's the one who watches over me, who knows. But here's to you Michael William Hallameck. RIP

the reading made it real

So one of the girls who works for me gave me a tarot card reading for my birthday. It really validated my decisions that I made this week
I am staying in Everett to continue the job I am in. It is the best decision because I can pursue my career within Macy's even more, from the position I am in. Because my opporutnies are more vast due to the volume of store I am in. Going back to Burlington would actually be going back in my position.
Now moving to Iowa... I am just going to keep trying to find us good jobs there. But, with so many troops coming back by this winter, that mind deminish job searches especially in such a small community. But i am keeping my hopes up, it's all i have is hope...
I am doing better at work ... Everyone was so nice for my birthday there! I got pink roses, 3 cards, a bithday cake and and they even sang to me.. Sooo funny! also my new friend at work got me a really cute scarf.
So things are what they are...

delima

1. do i actually move to iowa.. tony needs to find a good job first.. maybe hard
2. do i transfer back to burlington, and tell them i may not move. they know i want to but not a set date
3. do i stay at my job for however long i need to until i can move to iowa
4. do i transfer to burlington, not move. help my dad and sis out, by renting a place with them in either burlington or bellingham, where tony works.
5. am i crazy for wanting to move back to iowa
6. yes my grandma june and dad think it's a stupid idea.
7. i am filing for my divorce papers, i have to let my grama june know when it's finaly so she can put me back into her will,. scary
8. i will miss washington if i move.. seriously.. miss..
9. tony wants to end up back in california someday.
10. i tell him he doesn't have an option since we have been living in this bedroom with a stupid red wall for 7 years, yes 7 years..
11. as soon as i am divoced i am going to marry tony.
12. the ring better be awesom
13. should i transfer back to burlignton, save 200 dollars a month in gas and 30 hours of my life not haveing to drive in stupid retarded traffic
14. i really like the executive team in everett. minus some others,  so it sucks
15.. where is the answer fairy when you need her

shit, we are out of toilet paper.

My friend sabrina from texas is up visiting this week, so i took some time off to spend with her. She is such a positive, independent, successful women. It reminds me how much i do need to work on myself, for myself as if no one else matters. Well other people do matter, many.. It is just unfortunate that many people that do matter or either dead or so far away. Which, then i tell myself, erin, it's okay, you do not need someone to unleash all your  negativity upon, find another outlet, turn it into goodness. then i say ok, let's shop, eat, smoke, have a drink. then i say erin, these are material or even worse negative outletws.  So  what.. do I have... so to get to my point, i am on a 7 day off from work, to get some stuff done during the week, see my friend and to just breathe. then i realize. wtf, i should be on vacation somehwere else, staying home, sleeping in, is not making it better. i need to be out, seeing people, enjoying something.
i am totally sabotaging my own life.. because i have become bitter, bitchy and negative. i have been blaming tony, my past, the day for all the things wrong. it's all me, how i perceive, how i handle it. if i am to be happy.. i need to do it on my own for my self, as if no one else matters.
I am unhappy... At this moment, sad... don't know why, i am even tearing up.. so maybe i am starting my period soon, but as of right now.... i feel like no matter what i do , i am not satisfied with myself or anyone. nothing is making it better.
maybe i am stressed because i cannot afford to buy the new skin care line my friend sabrina is a consultant on. it's all natural, non tested on animals, and made in the us, but formulated in sweden. it's awesome stuff, have used it for 2 days, but the 323 price tag, makes me want to scream, because it is not something i could afford on a month to month basis. so it reminds me of i want this lifestyle, products that i cannot afford. i have to remind myself it's ok, i will get the cheaper stuff, which is what i can afford. it's ok,it will work just the same.
so it boils down  to this. tony and i hav been together for i believe 7 years this month, we both do not have a clue on the date, but when ever i got back from iowa after my mom passed in the summer, so     this weekend.
we have never celebrated, any anniversary or anything romantic, and it's all because i stupidly married still.
so yep. the same problems i had in the begining.. um, yep still here, the years go by and i don't change.
so what do i do. piss and moan , get a fake promise from tony and it goes on,
so it is me, my choice not to have the papers signed, which is due to being lazy and stupid.
so i am holding our life back, in every way and yet i blame it all on others
thanks blogg for letting me figure out what my problem is.
i need a cigarett.

I

brucey

so brucey is officially 19 years old this month
we had to take him to the pet emergency because he hadn't stopped coughing for 2 days
he has a collapsed trachea
congestive heart failure
bronchial infection
 he is now on heart medicine, for life, steroids, antibiotics and a coughing tab
 he is actually doing really well, he can no longer wear a collar, only a harness, if we do exercise him, which we can't for a while. he has to have his food dished elevated, so tony's dad built one.
he is more energized than before, which is good, because his lethargy was not due to old age, but his heart, which was incredibly enlarged. we are so lucky we got him in when we did. i could not imagine what i would do to loose him like that. i would be a freaking mess of insanity.. but he is doing great...

the one item that gives me happiness

I have a new coach bag... i am happy about this... even happier that i saved hundreds of dollars on it.. best deal ever. and i am going camping this weekend.. yea 4 days off of work... so happy.

...

Just thought I would say hi.. Haven't really talked to anyone too much lately.. So many changes, so far apart.. I hope everyone is doing well.. I also just wanted to say thank you for the friendships you have brought me and to apologize for any issues in the past.. May your futures bring you much happiness. Good riddence!