Usually this time of year is thought as sedentary. With the leaves falling, the air becoming cooler and the beginging of winter. Fall is a great time for harvest, of course trick or treating. With the carving of pumpkings, dressing up, and sharing the season of fall with friends and family. What does halloween really mean to me?
For me it's a time to celebrate the death of friends and family, we have lost along the way. According to the wiccan holiday
"Sanhain" it is the night when the veil between the dead and the living is the thinest. Lighting candles with patchouli oil, placing them in jack o lanterns to lite the way for the dead. Celebrating with loved ones with some warm apple cider. It is the nite when the old god died, returning to the land of the dead while await the rebirth and yule. Also the time when the Crone goddess would go into mourning for her lost son, while leaving her people in darkness. It's a perfect time to get your divinitions done for the year and to make contact with the dead.
So that takes me to why this day is important and memorable for me. Exactly 5 years ago I lost a friend who was very lost. Tortured in his mind and soul and took his own life. It was a very devestating time for me. Feeling things I never thought were possible. Feelings of guilt, sadness and anger that I have never felt before in my life. It prompted me to be depressed have false judgment with other men and put my self in situations, I would otherwise not do. Over the years I have adjusted myself to knowing that I was definately in a grieving process and Ido not regret anything. Which has come to my vision of what he really was. How he was a talented artist. With his wonderful drawing and painting I had never seen in my life. His out there ways of how the world was going to end. I think back on it now and iImiss him. I miss how he made me laugh and feel. Just like a first crush.( okay so it was my first actualy relationshiop.) But, lately Ihave been thinking about him and it always makes me cry. So, this is why I decided to write about it. Because, he did hurt me in many ways, emotionally, physically, and every thing else in between. I try to forget it, i have definately forgiven him, but it still hurts. Maybe it's the pain of how he went out and I had to witness it. That sometimes I am visited by him in my dreams, it scares me to death, because that it the one reason I can't sleep or feel comfortable in totaly darkness. Afraid that i will see him. Is that crazy, I don't know, but that is one thing I can't let go of. So tonite, I am going to celebrate him for seeing all the good that he did bring me and what his death brought me. Then maybe I will be able to let go.
So tonight, and tomorrow, take a little time out to remember the loved ones you have lost, good or bad. Give thanks for your life and what theirs meant to you. But to also light the way for these souls, so they may find peace within them selves. And to put us all at peace on Sahmain. Greatest love peace and serenity to all.
All hallow's eve!!!
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