Little Miss me.

Hello 2013

Well it's now what 6 days into the new year and i am officially 21 weeks pregnant. I am half way to give birth to a beautiful little girl. It's so weird to say that. Only because I know sound like a cheesy mom who reads quotes to satisfy her need to make the world beautiful. Ok i am because my hormones are like insanely crazy,

So I have this life changing experience that until 2 years ago, I did not really want or fathom it could happen to me.  I totally knew I was pregnant, but was like no really all the times I though I was, now... Yes now apparently, so I officially took my first pee test on the day after my birthday. Which lead to the no, Erin that isn't right, says Tony,
So the next morning, like the earlier I will ever mention getting up for, there it was positive as could be.

Now I have could document everything that has happened so far, but I would be typing forever. So I will just say that I made it through 3 weeks of tremedous nausea, vomiting, and heartburn. Thenn it was over, thank god for that.

Now here I am in a new year with an even bigger belly. Seriously I am huge. Carrying a little girl. Which scares that crap out of me. But I keep telling myself that my relationship with my mother is going to be nothing like my new relationship. And I am totally questioning if she will love me as much as I will love her,all of these weird emotional things running crazy through my head. It is almost as I was put her on earth just for her. All of the craziness I have been through and endured. It means nothing when I think of her. Weird huh. I finally felt the sensation of a body inside of me like the arms and legs moving around and the vibration of whatever dancce sequence she decides to do ( because she is always moving) .

She is just like a miracle, weird cheesy, I know, but whatever, I love it. I am just glad she is healthy, because my health has been questionable. I am now on insuling at night to control my fasting blood sugars, which aren't too bad. My blood pressure keeps getting higher, which I maintain with medicine, but the dr's keep increasing it, So hopefully I can maitain for the next 20 weeks, so I do not go into early labor. My kidneys are not in the best shape, they are leaking protein due to the weakness from the stones I have had, so I wil start seeing a specialist, so I do not end up on dialysis.

So much to go through for a little tiny banana. But totally worth it.

here it is,,,

I am now in my new job. I love it again! It feels so amazing to be needed, loved, missed. who would have thought. Everyone raved how much i am needed there, someone who knows how it all works. But, the best part. I am happy putting in 10 hours a day, getting paid shit, working 7 plus days in a row, worrying about my job all the time. bitching about my job. The stress. Oh stress, deadlines, goals, multi-tasking. How i missed theee
And all my friends, the ones I love having in my life. People i can trust, I can count on. Why did I ever leave. Well, it made me realize how much I can improve from last time, where i need to work the most. Like, not rushing as much. Allowing others to do their job, working on being a leader, which is my main goal. i am a perfectionist, so it's hard sometimes. Having people believe in me is the best too. Allowing change to happen, letting the associates have someone to count on to fix their problems.
The sad thing is that i love being away from home. Not like weepy sad, just sad that I need it. That i feel i can't be at home, because once again, it kind of sucks.
Tony not having a job, counting on me for paying for everything. Him not telling me he isn't getting check or telling me the car payments aren't paid. You know, the normal routine of my relationship. But, i am dealing, i go to work, skim my finances, more and more. And yes i have to cancel tanning. stupid as fuck. limit my american's.. stupid as fuck too. All stupid. But, i believe it has to get better, i need the hope it will. It may not, but this is where I am. Doing my thing, bettering my self, being happy at work. funny how when you are happy at home, work sucks, vice-versa. Where has my balance been. Am i underestimating my self, holding my self back. Because i feel obligated. Well, actually yes to most of it. But, there are steps, little ones. i will make it, because if this is all i am getting thrown right now. So BRING IT UNIVERSE. GIVE IT ALL. TEST ME. Ok, pushing the universe isn't going to get me anywhere, because then i will get a ball i don't want. So it's the middle of september I am where i was 2 years ago, only i make a little more, accomplish a little more, at work. That which tears you at your home base, shall motivate your home away. RIGHT. PLEASE TELL ME THATS A THING. if it's not, well i am making it a thing.

I am eating dry roasted peanuts.

Here I am. I feel like I haven't posted in years. I occassionally stop by and catch up on all the wonderful things and thoughts everyone is having. Okay, I am totally stalking all of you.
Well I feel like i should blog. Mainly because I feel lost. I have been for a while. As a matter of fact I am really not lost. It's just my excuse for my lack of motivation in my life. I have no hobbies ( and no tanning is not a hobby, though I think it's my relaxation and from not going sane from all the bleak skies and rain. Yes it effects the crap out of me. )
My inner gusto is upset. My job is not supplying me with enough satisfaction. In fact I am trying to get my old job back. I think if not, I may really consider leaving Macys'. My homestead, same as usual. Tony has a job that starts in September, supposedly. So, we are here still... I won't go on we all know I hate it, it sucks and Blah Blah Blah. i am very happy for him. I just do not trust any job he gets, they all see so fake and temporary.
   So here I am on a saturday night, with nothing to do. But, to listen to his parents catter in the front room as I hide out in my room. is this my life I really wanted. NO.  I want a job that gives me the real me, the driven, no sink all swim, perfectionst, organized and positive leader I know is in me. I want to support my self, if needed. Which I haven't been able to do since I have been with tony. Sad, really sad. I am getting down on myself, because I say I am lost but really i am comfortable. don't know where to turn. The feeling of I just want to pack and run away. But i am never going to be satisfied no matter where or who I am with unless I am satisfied with my self. So i am going back on my diet and starting to budget my money better, so i can actually save some money, and update my resume. My really good friend Sabrina will be up next week, so I can totally use her. She is a successful working woman who takes care of herself, supports herself. She's like my big sister I never had. so it will be great to have her around for a week. So here's to my determination that the company i work for values me. Yes i know it's a corporation, there is no love. i can get my old job back. If not, here's to the future and beyond...

Lets talk about sex.

It must be in the air, or maybe just my panties. Sex is definately high on my list of thoughts that happen everyday, possibly more than I have ever had. I don't know where it came from. Perhaps the fact that i am healthier, and my body is finally responding correctly. Making up for the past couple years of not really wanting any. Or that i do feel more confident in myself, so let it out.
       As we grow into ourselves, how does this effect our sex lives. Does the experience of partners, time , and or that we are willin to branch out and experiement, determine how we take this into our relationships. I think it's all of that.  Sex brings out the worst in some but mostly it brings the best to all of us.
    We have all had our fair share of experiences. Perhaps that are story worthy, or better just kept behind that door, we possibly don't want to go back to. At least not physically, but in our heads. To rather remind us of what we put out.,or should have kept in.
      Their is that tale that as a women reaches her 30's she has the best sex drive she will ever have in her life. If that is true, why does it have to go away. Because it's pretty amazing, to feel the newness, and adventurous sex kitten, that possibly we all could be.
    Believe it or not there are things out there, I haven't tried. Possibly due to my lack of confidence in how I feel about my body. Along with being in a relationship for 8 years with a man, who possibly is giving me signals, that he needs more. I have vowed to stretched beyond my comfort zone and give him what he wants. Believe it or not, it's what i needed as well, the satisfaction of pleassing someone that i hold dear to me.
   I don't know where this will lead me or us, but I plan on making it a damn good time. I mean we only live once, and i am not wasting this on nothing. And who says no to a woman witht he sex drive of an 18 year old boy. REally, Who Would.
  So here's to all the sexy woman out there, afraid to take that step. Take those clothes off, spread your legs, and be all you can be and take it all.

updatey doo. dont need a cookie.

I am beside myself right now. I have chosen to leave my job as a supervisor for the administration team to a store closer to me to be just an associate in the administration team. i know it's fo the good . we can move to bellingham an have our own place. Tony is actually excited abou this, he even admitted that he has always wanted to live in bellingham as well.the rent is pretty cheap. and it's close to the colleges,bus lines, my work, downtown. the wild buffalo- kristen you know what i mean... so much more opportunites,because i would really like to work in hr at western washington university. how cool would that be.
but, i have reservations, even though tony's mom has been giving us advice and ideas of where to move to. i just am nervous, tony still doesn't share stuff with me, like finances and such. so i feel reluctant. i also am going to have to borrow money to give some things taken care of. i really don't want to live in a place with him, without us being marred. is that weird. i guess after 8 years, i need to know we have this together,a goal, it's ours. i guess it's me trying to have control over things, i can't. you can't chane someone with a piec of paper, and i know this. i just am tired of what we aren't. not married, not living on our own.
tony's parents, said that if it's too hard to find a place for the dogs, they could stay here, and we would just get them part of the week, which means we will still have to find a place put a deposit down for them, and get them on my days off or tony's. so like 2 or 3 times a week, if that. so i don't know.
it's scares me to be without my babis, but bruce is so old and not to have his yard and go out whenever, scares me too. and it scares everyone else. i hope he makes it throuh this year. it's hard, he is my little baby dog, he goes everywhere with me., so not to have them all the time, but until tony and i can  this thing working, maybe it will be for the best. thank god tony's parents are so supportive and understanding. i really love them, good parents, not that mine weren't, just different and good. i have given in to not being so anti everything including people, so life here hasn't been so bad.
then there is tony. he only has 1 day off for every 13. so i may see him in the mornings when he gets done working the night shifts of 12 hours. and i am off, for maybe 2 hours. so like never. i miss him and our issues aren't getting solved with him being gone so much. but, it's gettng there. we will make it and i believe it. So here's to being down 4 pants sizes and 30 pounds, and being moved out by summer. we can do this and we will. i even started doing situps every nigh and other random exervises i can do in my room.

I love my Tony bologne...

I just have to say that I love my Tony. He brings me breakfast every morning from starbucks. He says it's so we can have time together since we don't see each other during the week otherwise. Sometimes I overlook how good he is to me. I know this isn't everything, but it is now. I guess even though I get out of hand with my mood swings and all the health stuff. I just think he doesn't listen or care. But, he does, he listen too much. He knows me more than I know myself. Sometimes it's good. So this will be our last weekend together, before he works his overtime for 3 months. We are having a date nite, which I cannot say when the last one was. Maybe I will get a picture of us together, in my new dress. woohoo.

eating at night.

May this week give me control to not eat at night. I eat really healthy. But, it stil has calories and carbs. So I have asking for control to not snack so much at night. I really don't feel hungry in the day, but as I found it, if my blood sugar is too low, I am a shitty moody crazy emotinal freak. So on the way to the movies last night, i ate a piece of chocolate. sugar, I was like yea i am normal, I am not an emotional freakin idiot. but, yes I have blood sugar issues, and I need to control this. So I ate subway, very healthy. During the movies, I did have popcorn and diet soda, and another piece of chocolate.
To my suprise. My fasting blood sugar was 108.
To make more sense. I am allowed 3 carb choices to a meal. and 2 for a snack. Carb choies are 1 15 grams of carb per serving, 1.5 cups of veggies, and a dairy serving. I have been following this since my appt with the diabetic education class, I took. I have had better blood sugar. Which will lead to my incision healing fast. the scab came off and i thought it was infected, but no it just oozes fat and goo. very gross.
So I am going to do this.  I will have restraint on my evening snackings!
I will do this
I will do this
I will do this.